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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boss has asked me to come in on my maternity leave

99 replies

sarah00001 · 22/10/2015 21:48

Hi, I received an email from my boss asking me to come in for a couple of hours on my maternity leave, using one of my keeping in touch (KIT) days for my appraisal. I was on sick leave before my maternity leave and missed my appraisal. I am a single mum and have a 4 month old daughter. I don't have anyone who could look after her, I have no family in the area and am not on very good terms with my baby's father. His family have offered no support, so I couldn't ask them to look after her. I replied to my boss saying I could come in, but would need to bring along my baby. She responded by saying that she would like that I arranged for a babysitter to look after my daughter.

I really do have noone I could ask to look after her. I also wouldn't feel comfortable asking a stranger to look after her as I feel she is too young. She is also teething at the moment and very much needs her mum.

Would it be unreasonable for me to say I can only come in if I can bring my daughter, or is my boss right in saying I should find a babysitter?

Please could you let me know your thoughts as I really don't know what to do.

Thank you

Sarah

OP posts:

MagickPants · 23/10/2015 15:49

I know, Sleepy, but people are so that might explain this airy "get childcare" attitude that the OP is getting.
I'm disappointed in the mn-ers who have that attitude though!

BoffinMum · 23/10/2015 15:57

I line manage people, and I employ a couple directly, and I would never do this. It's terrible employment practice and bad for industrial relations.

It is hardly surprising British people end up striking so much and productivity is lower than it could be if colleagues are treated like chattels rather than people, as the OP is being here. This is quite different from a situation where people have come back to work with older babies and have realistic childcare plans in place (or should have).

BTW if anyone experiences this and is currently BF a very young baby, there is a case for arguing it is discriminatory on grounds of gender. That boss wants to watch it.

And FWIW once I got 'children and dogs are banned from campus' in an HR interview prior to maternity leave. I pointed out there was a nursery on campus so it would be difficult to deliver the children to it if they were banned, and also we held very many schools events and outreach events so it would be a bit difficult with regard to that as well, and the HR woman just looked very confused. I think some people just don't engage brain before opening mouth.

WheresMyBurrito · 23/10/2015 16:09

Leafy considering that in my company the only progression upwards is to become a team leader (which I don't want to do) and I'm not really interested in stepping sideways, I do very much see the appraisal as a box-ticking exercise.

I'm currently on mat leave myself and there's no way I'd be going in for it if I didn't have childcare.

Pyjamaramadrama · 23/10/2015 16:17

Magickpants both my babies were/are ff because I found breastfeeding very hard. But I still understand that a breastfed baby can't just be left. So please don't say that mums of ff babies don't understand.

I wouldn't leave my ff ds because he's clingy and sensitive.

Work shouldn't be asking the op to go in. Hell would freeze over before I arranged childcare for my 4 month old.

LuluJakey1 · 23/10/2015 19:52

I have been on both sides of this fence, as a Deputy Head who occasionally needs to speak to staff on maternity leave, and as a mum (of a now 10 month old baby) on maternity leave.

Most colleagues do their best to come in for an hour or so. Some just can't and that isn't the end of the world. And some take the 'raging, offended that you are even callng me, don't you know the law about maternity leave, I am bf and precious, leave me alone until I decide I want your money again' attitude that some of the bullying loudmouths on here exhibit.They are always our most difficult, unhelpful staff who shout union at every opportunity and mostly the union tells them to shut up and get on with our entirely reasonable requests.

I have not criticised the OP, quite the reverse, I said if she could not go it wouldn't be the end of the world and I have simply said showing goodwill and a bit of flexibility to an employer is helpful and creates the right impression. The attitudes of some women on here are why employers sometimes get fed up with women who are pregnant and on maternity leave. The women I am talking about do the rest of us no favours. I certainly don't wish to be judged by their attitudes and behaviours and however much they shout me down I am entitled to my opinion.

Sleepybeanbump · 23/10/2015 20:08

Not being able to leave a 4 month a is not an attitude. It's a practicality. There's no scope for 'willingness' or 'flexibility' when you have issues like the baby needing feeding, and/or the mother being in too much discomfort not feeding, not having anyone who can look after them instead etc etc. Saying it's about attitude rather than non - negotiable practical issues is setting mothers up to fail and THIS attitude is the problem.

MagickPants · 23/10/2015 20:10

Sorry Pyjamarama. you're right

museumum · 23/10/2015 20:23

I left my baby at 6mo to work around 15hrs a week but at 4mo I could not leave him with anyone but his dad and even then for only at most 3hrs.
There's no way I'd have dh take a whole days holiday to enable me to go to an appraisal which I'd be in no position whatsoever to participate fully (at 4mo pp I'm not sure I even remembered my own names some days!)

Original poster

sarah00001 · 23/10/2015 21:20

Thank you all so much for your replies. I do feel that I have shown willing by offering to come in. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask to bring my baby with me, given that she is only 4 months and my boss is well aware that I am a single parent with no family close by to babysit her. I think that considering KIT days are optional and that I have said I am prepared to come in on my maternity leave (coming into work for an appraisal is not something I really want to do) then she could meet me half way by letting me bring my baby or by offering to visit me at home. I am not going to leave my baby with a childminder/babysitter who I don't know. When I do return to work, she will be in a nursery that is somewhere I feel happy and comfortable with and I will take her for pre-visits to help her get used to it.

I feel a lot better knowing that many of you feel that it is not unreasonable to say I cannot go in for my appraisal. I don't think that this gives out the wrong signals. I work very hard for my employer and I am entitled to my maternity leave and shouldn't feel pressured to come into work. My employer prides itself on its family friendly policies and staff frequently bring their children into work when there noone to look after them. I shall email my boss to say that I cannot come in unless I bring my daughter, as I do not have anyone to leave her with and if she feels this is not appropriate, then I am happy for her to conduct my appraisal in my home. I feel this is very reasonable.

Thank you again, it has been really helpful to me to see your views on this matter.

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 23/10/2015 21:29

Yes, for very young babies you end up discriminating against the ones who don't happen to have local family who can drop everything to help, if you really insist on them coming in sans children.

Compromise is the rule of the game here.

SalemSaberhagen · 23/10/2015 21:35

Lulu, spare us the divisive them and us bullshit.

And you think not wanting to go in for something that isn't even necessary without your newborn makes you 'precious'? Thank fuck you aren't SLT at my school.

LuluJakey1 · 23/10/2015 22:07

And so you illustrate exactly my point Salem. Read what I said before you rant. You are connecting two entirely separate points and using them to support an overly-emotional rather than intellectual response.

I in no way include the OP in the group of women I was speaking about. However, I would include you.

nameinlights · 23/10/2015 22:12

I think that sounds very reasonable op. I went into work for some training on mat leave. I was happy to do this as it was important training. I got paid for those as KIT days. Towards the end of mat leave my boss asked me to come in to work for a preparation for returning to work meeting. I refused. I didn't understand why she needed me in the office when we could have that conversation on the phone which is what we did.

Sansfards · 23/10/2015 22:26

I have plenty of support but no way would I be interested in going in for an appraisal part way through my maternity leave or have expected any of my staff to do the same. They should have done it before you left if it required a conversation, not really relevant or fresh now, is it?

Sansfards · 23/10/2015 22:29

Ignore me, I missed your reply & it sounds like you've already got it sorted. Good for you

SalemSaberhagen · 23/10/2015 22:43

Unconnected? You think women who don't want to be contacted on their maternity leave (as is their legal right) and do not want to return for an appraisal because they are 'breastfeeding and precious' (I assume that isn't a direct quote?) 'do the rest of [you] no favours'. How is that not connected?

PerpendicularVincent · 23/10/2015 22:49

It isn't wrong to prioritise your baby whilst you're on maternity leave, Lulu. If the OP or anyone else doesn't wish to leave their 4 month old with a childminder, that's their business.

It bears no relation to their commitment to their job, and the effort they put in when they're at work. The OP isn't at work, she is spending time with her child, as is her entitlement.

I think that offering a phone call or home meeting are reasonable alternatives. And I say this both as a mother, and as someone managing a large team myself in a pressurised environment.

I'd never judge a team member adversely for requesting this, and I wouldn't think they were money grabbing either - that's completely ridiculous.

ApplePaltrow · 24/10/2015 00:19

LuluJakey1

Ignore the detractors. Some people seem to basically hate the notion of paid work and view their bosses as the enemy. They will take any opportunity to wage war. Thankfully the rest of us are not bound by it.

Atenco · 24/10/2015 05:52

ApplePaltrow Some people seem to basically hate the notion of paid work and view their bosses as the enemy

I might say some people seem to hate the idea of family and view families as the enemy.

DoreenLethal · 24/10/2015 08:25

feel a lot better knowing that many of you feel that it is not unreasonable to say I cannot go in for my appraisal.

Regardless of the fact that going in during maternity leave is your choice, a manager should never request this; what good is an appraisal 4 months into maternity leave anyway? It is a box ticking exercise and completely pointless.

lieselvontwat · 24/10/2015 09:19

The attitudes of some women on here are why employers sometimes get fed up with women who are pregnant and on maternity leave.

You can't genuinely believe this is true though, lulujakey? Surely nobody is that ignorant of quite recent history. Because it's pretty common knowledge that maternity leave and employment rights during pregnancy are both fairly new inventions in the UK, and before that employers could and did simply get rid of women who were pregnant. That is, they got 'fed up' with said women, if you like, and discriminated against them. They were doing this before ML existed, which means they couldn't possibly have been motivated by the attitudes of women on ML. So what you're basically claiming, then, is that once employment rights for pregnant women and ML came into being, employers magically divested themselves of their previous attitudes and instead, only got fed up with pregnant/ML women because the ones on ML didn't want to come to pointless appraisals. Now think about that for a moment. Does it really sound even remotely plausible? Or do you think maybe the roots of employers getting 'fed up' with pregnant women and new mothers might go just a smidgen deeper?

And don't worry OP, the problem isn't you here. Your boss is clearly taking the piss and that's very obvious to anyone who lives on this planet. It's just a few people who seem to hate the idea of reality. Unfortunately your boss is evidently one of them.

Frazzled2207 · 24/10/2015 11:41

I've had exactly this situation recently, baby is 4 months, also have a toddler. On the suggested day I said I absolutely could not do it but have said I could go on a day where I can leave kids with my parents (toddler is not an issue but I can only trust husband or my parents with fussy baby at the moment). However I don't think you have any legal obligation at all to go.

Frazzled2207 · 24/10/2015 11:44

Just rtft, in your circumstances I think you have done exactly the right thing. Doing an appraisal at this point seems daft to me.

annandale · 24/10/2015 12:04

I think you've made a very reasonable offer OP.

Considering that this appraisal will be to set objectives that won't even start for another 8 months, I think the boss is making the wrong decision. Not saying 'how high?' when the boss says 'do this jump here' is not the same as joining the Militant Tendency.

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