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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boss has asked me to come in on my maternity leave

99 replies

sarah00001 · 22/10/2015 21:48

Hi, I received an email from my boss asking me to come in for a couple of hours on my maternity leave, using one of my keeping in touch (KIT) days for my appraisal. I was on sick leave before my maternity leave and missed my appraisal. I am a single mum and have a 4 month old daughter. I don't have anyone who could look after her, I have no family in the area and am not on very good terms with my baby's father. His family have offered no support, so I couldn't ask them to look after her. I replied to my boss saying I could come in, but would need to bring along my baby. She responded by saying that she would like that I arranged for a babysitter to look after my daughter.

I really do have noone I could ask to look after her. I also wouldn't feel comfortable asking a stranger to look after her as I feel she is too young. She is also teething at the moment and very much needs her mum.

Would it be unreasonable for me to say I can only come in if I can bring my daughter, or is my boss right in saying I should find a babysitter?

Please could you let me know your thoughts as I really don't know what to do.

Thank you

Sarah

OP posts:

purplemunkey · 22/10/2015 22:22

I refused to go in when my baby was 4 months. I didn't have anyone who could look after her either. I had childcare organised for when I was due to go back - a further 7 months down the line - but like you, wasn't prepared to leave her with a stranger.

I had been asked to go in for a very important departmental meeting but I said I couldn't and they arranged a phone call immediately after the meeting instead. It turned out they were announcing a major 'restructure' (read: redundancies) and everyone had been told their jobs were at risk as part of the consultancy period. I ended up taking voluntary redundancy.

Can you suggest an appraisal over the phone? Maybe try and time it for when your DD is likely to be napping or ask a friend to come over for an hour or so to bounce baby while you're on the phone?

As others have advised KIT days are not compulsary so you can refuse. However if you're planning to go back you should show willing. I'm surprised they want to do an appraisal while you're on leave though. At my past company I was advised that any appraisals got an automatic 'satisfactory' whilst I was on mat leave.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 22/10/2015 22:24

Bollocks. If they want you to go in that badly they can accept your baby. Just contact them and say you can't find a babysitter, but you're happy to come in with her if they want to see you.

edwinbear · 22/10/2015 22:24

OP your boss cannot insist on you coming into work whilst you are on maternity leave. Hell would have frozen over before I left my brand new baby with a stranger whilst I had an appraisal, in fact my very understanding boss came to my home to do mine whilst I was on mat leave (which in hindsight was all a bit uncomfortable but bless him for being so understanding). If you really feel you should go in, can you see if a work colleague cold perhaps take the baby out for a walk whilst you have your meeting, as a compromise?

anothernumberone · 22/10/2015 22:24

Bluntly, baby will be fine for a couple of hours. I know it's going to be painful for you but baby will be fine. Just find a local child minder and ask them very nicely. If you plan on going back to work, you do need to be communicating with work and giving them a bit of flexibility. Not going in shows a lack of commitment to the job and you are going to need to ask for plenty of flexibility when you do return, especially as a single mum (I should know, I've been in your shoes)

Nonsense.

HairyWorm · 22/10/2015 22:25

They're being a bit cheeky. Unless you need to be in contact with them due to the type of work you do, then they should be leaving you alone. Does your manager have power issues?? Why do you need an appraisal whilst on mat leave?
I would say that Im not able to take up the offer of a KIT day at the minute but will be in contact nearer my planned return date. Then I would become difficult to get hold of........but I'm awkward.

SalemSaberhagen · 22/10/2015 22:25

queen there is no way I would have left DD at 4 months old, let alone with a stranger.

KIT days are optional. You are under no obligation to attend an appraisal during maternity leave either.

LumpySpaceCow · 22/10/2015 22:26

I don't know why anyone is suggesting you leave your young baby with a stranger to go on for a KIT day that you don't want to do. KIT days are optional - I have never used them. I would let your boss know that as you are not due to return for x months you have not yet finalised your childcare arrangements so you either a. Take baby with you (if you actually want to go in) or b. Can't the appraisal wait until you return after mat leave

SunsetSinger · 22/10/2015 22:26

Say no, I don't see what is so urgent about an appraisal. No way would I leave my 4 month old under these circumstances.

HopefulHamster · 22/10/2015 22:26

I refused to do KIT days, because my baby was breastfed with multiple allergies and nursery hadn't been able to do her settles yet.

As KIT days are optional, my company was fine with it.

sandy30 · 22/10/2015 22:29

KIT days are optional for both parties. If your baby is 4 months and you were off sick before, I cannot see how relevant an appraisal could be now anyway.

Snoopadoop · 22/10/2015 22:29

KIT days are optional, I didn't bother with mine. If your boss is that desperate for you to have an appraisal can they do it over the phone?

Snossidge · 22/10/2015 22:30

I'd just say no, have your appraisal when your ML is finished.

Terramirabilis · 22/10/2015 22:31

I agree that there seems no reason why OP should agree to this under the circumstances and with no requirement to have any KIT days.

But I am a bit bemused by all the posters saying they could not leave their baby at 4 months old. The truth is, you could, you just didn't have to. It is a sore point for me being an expat in the US. Having had the chorus of "oh I could never do that" when I explained to people in the UK I would be going back to work when DS was 9 weeks you would have thought I was leaving him with a dragon not a licensed childcare facility. None of them offered to pay my bills so I'm not sure what exactly they thought we were going to live on if I didn't work.

SmilingHappyBeaver · 22/10/2015 22:32

KIT days are not compulsory, and what on earth does your boss think she'll achieve by trying to do an appraisal when you haven't been at work for 4/5 months and probably won't be for another 6/7 months? Total waste of everyone's time.

I would say you would like to arrange you KIT days nearer to the time you will be returning, and you would like your appraisal to form part of your revised work plan/updated goals review process for your return. An Appraisal should be about planning for the next 12 months (and beyond), not just a pointless box ticking exercise. Is there an ulterior motive? A restructure etc which may affect you? Perhaps this isn't about an appraisal at all. If so, you should be getting the same communications at the same time as your work colleagues.

CurlyBlueberry · 22/10/2015 22:34

YANBU. My work didn't bother me at all during my mat leave. My appraisals were just signed off in my absence. When I did need to come in it was my choice, I wanted a meeting to discuss my return and they were more than happy for me to bring my baby.

edwinbear · 22/10/2015 22:36

But Terra presumably you had researched child care centres, been to see a couple, checked their credentials, possibly did some settling sessions? That's very different to calling a couple of local childminders and asking them essentially to babysit, off the cuff, for a couple of hours.

LuluJakey1 · 22/10/2015 22:36

anothernumberone It is not nonsense. It is no wonder employers get fed up with women on maternity leave with some of the attitudes shown here. It would be helpful for the OP to try to do this and would show her employer some goodwill.
If she doesn't, it is not the end of the world but it might well leave the employer pissed off. First she had sick leave, then maternity leave and now is saying she can not manage even a couple of hours away from baby. Think of the signals this sends an employer. No willingness to be flexible, anything to do with the baby will come before work.
I understand what her rights are. I am saying from employers points of view they must just get fed up. Employees want the salary but the business does not matter to them seems to be the message.

LuluJakey1 · 22/10/2015 22:39

And I am a mum. I have a 9 month old. I do have DH but no parents or siblings and PIL live in another bit of the country. DH works full-time. I had to go up to work when DS was 5 months old. I took him and a colleague had him in her office while I met my boss.

zeezeek · 22/10/2015 22:42

LuluJakey1 - totally agree. My current secretary is doing something similar at the moment: refused to come in without the baby for an important departmental meeting, so she was rung afterwards and go very pissed off that her opinion wasn't sought about the restructuring of the admin staff that we were discussing at the important meeting. Well, if she'd turned up then she would have been consulted and no, we couldn't accomodate the baby in the very busy department.

Then I got an e-mail from her today requesting flexible working arrangements that are fine in principle, but what she has asked for demanded is not convenient for the department - so I refused and suggested alternatives.

Really, she is not endearing herself to her employers or her colleagues.

peggyundercrackers · 22/10/2015 22:43

What's with all the posters saying you would be showing willing and you are showing you are flexible. This is about going in to do an appraisal - what's that got to do with show willing? How can you be appraised if you have been off? It's a lot of nonsense - I think your employer believes you should be in doing kit days and is trying to get you into the office for no good reason.

AliMonkey · 22/10/2015 22:44

I went in on maternity leave (DD 3-4 months) - first for a big meeting about restructuring, and then for a follow up individual consultation meeting. Both times, I took DD with me (and for the first meeting, I sat at the back and bf'd). I didn't have to go in, but in the circumstances it seemed sensible.

As you are within your rights to not go in at all, I think offering to go in with baby is perfectly reasonable. But if you want to eg change working hours when you go back, then may be worth doing as they say to show you too are willing to be flexible, by doing as PPs suggested and getting a mum friend to look after her close by. Also suggest you say that you can only come in for eg an hour.

I went back to work when my DC were six months old (still bf'ing both times, first time I worked round the corner from the nursery, second time following the restructuring I was over an hour away), and was leaving them for full days straight away, so sure you could leave baby.

kiggenpaws · 22/10/2015 22:47

As fed up as they might be, they can't hold it against her in any way shape or form or penalise her for it as she is not obliged to come in on her mat leave. So who the hell cares what happens in the employer's head. She doesn't have to show 'goodwill' towards her company, they have to respect what the law is and honour her employment contract.

OP - speak to your HR department, your boss can't insist on you coming in, and shouldn't be indicating that she can.

Muckogy · 22/10/2015 22:49

is it not illegal to made come into work, for any reason, while you are on maternity leave?

Muckogy · 22/10/2015 22:49

to be made

FishWithABicycle · 22/10/2015 22:50

To elaborate further: Any appraisal that takes place in the middle of mat leave would be totally unrepresentative of a reasonable result anyway. Neither you nor your boss would be in any sensible mental place to assess stuff from so long ago on a single day with no time before to get your head back into work mode and no time after to apply any resolutions you may agree on. It's ridiculous to agree to be judged in such silly circumstances. Say no.

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