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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to babysit now?

64 replies

WalfordEast · 22/10/2015 20:20

A good friend of mine asked me to babysit her 14 year old daughter tomorrow night. I realise "babysit" probably isnt the right word to use for a 14 year old, but all I can come up with.

The plan was this- she was going to be dropped off at mine at 2pm, we were going to get our nails done and have a pamper afternoon/pizza tea and go to a local attraction that has like a haunted house with zombies etc. It is pretty intense stuff- I went last year, and it freaked me out. But the girls mother gave her permission to go so I said fair enough.

Friend has now called me to say her DD will be bringing a friend with her. I asked her if she could get this girls mother to call me to confirm that a) she was comfortable with her daughter staying with a complete stranger and b) that she was comfortable with her daughter coming to this attraction with us.

Friend then tells me the girls mother hasnt been told- as far she is concerned, her DD is staying at my friends house. Friend didnt see the need to tell her?!!

Ive told her im uncomfortable with this, and unless she tells her- I wont be looking after her and it will be her responsibility to deal with.

I feel shit- because a) my friend is a single mother and rarely gets the chance to go out and b) her daughter will be missing out on tomorrow night as there is no chance her MUm will take her, and under 18s have to be accompanied by an over 18.

AIBU?

OP posts:
catfordbetty · 22/10/2015 20:25

I think you made the right call.

Junosmum · 22/10/2015 20:26

You are not being unreasonable. Seems perfectly reasonable to me to tell the friends parents where their child is going to be and who with!

OhBigHairyBollocks · 22/10/2015 20:26

No I don't think you are BU. Not at all.

ShamelessBreadAddict · 22/10/2015 20:29

YANBU at all. Definitely the right call.

PennyHasNoSurname · 22/10/2015 20:30

YANBU at all. Id compromise and say id go to her house while the two girls were there and they can just do the usual hang out together stuff/sleepover stuff and you would be there.

Justmyluck1 · 22/10/2015 20:30

No of course that's not on and whose paying for her pamper, nails, pizza and attractions?

Your friend is being rude and don't take the responsibility.

Motherinferior78 · 22/10/2015 20:31

No you aren't being unreasonable. Your original arrangement was to look after one child but now she has changed the terms of the arrangement so you're entitled to set your terms in response. If you feel uncomfortable looking after a child you don't know without her parents' knowledge then you're right to say no to it. If something happened to the girl you need to know who to contact and it would be awful for all concerned if the parents had no idea who you were. I think your friend is being unreasonable to be honest. If she wants to go out on the same night her daughter is having a friend over then she has to be upfront with the child's parents. This is her responsibility not yours. If the daughter can't go it's her mum's fault not yours. All she has to do is make one phone call!

QuintShhhhhh · 22/10/2015 20:33

No way!

Wise move to pull out.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 22/10/2015 20:35

I wouldn't be too chuffed at being 'informed' she was bringing another teenager with her either...surely you should be asked?!

AliciaMayEmory · 22/10/2015 20:35

YANBU!

Senpai · 22/10/2015 20:37

It's one thing for a teen to lie to their parents, its another thing entirely for adults to.

You made the right call.

What if she got hurt? How would everyone explain to her parents why their daughter was with an adult she doesn't know while everyone except them knew about it.

blaeberry · 22/10/2015 20:38

Think you are being more than reasonable - I would simply say 'no' to the additional teenager.

PorcupineNecktie · 22/10/2015 20:40

YADDDNBU!!

Groovee · 22/10/2015 20:43

I wouldn't do it for my teen daughter. I insist on knowing the girl's parents know!

I think you need to be quite firm regardless of your friend's circumstances X

captaincake · 22/10/2015 20:46

I don't understand why your friend wouldn't tell the other mum. I would NOT be impressed if I thought DS was going to someone's house and him be taken to a stranger by that person without telling me (aside from there being a good and unplanned reason) YANBU.

CrapBag · 22/10/2015 20:46

Wow YANBU. If I was this girls mother and this went ahead I'd be livid that I wasn't informed where my child was and who with!

Georgethesecond · 22/10/2015 20:47

You're absolutely right. Those places are scary!

DameMargaretOfChalfont · 22/10/2015 20:47

If I found out that my DD was being "farmed out" to a stranger when I thought she was staying at her friends I'd be livid.

You are definitely doing the right thing in insisting the mum is told.

Single mum or not, your friend is an idiot.

Thisismyfirsttime · 22/10/2015 20:50

Who is expected to pay for the other girl's stuff? Why did the mum agree to have a friend on a night she would be out? Why can't the mum actually check with the girl's parents and get the ok?
Either way, you wnbu to cancel your plans, I'd be a bit upset if I'd made plans to have a bit of 'hang out' time with someone and they brought a friend along! (I accept to some people it would be perfectly normal to do so but I say that from a personal pov!)

LeaLeander · 22/10/2015 20:53

You are wise to cancel.

A) It's an insult to you that the lovely arrangements you made to entertain friend's daughter weren't enough, that she had to bring a friend along. If that's the case let them just hang out at home and eat pizza or whatever, together. It seems to me you were trying to play a sort of auntie-like role and give the girl a good memory, not just use up time. Forget that.

B) There is no way I would be responsible for an under-age child at public venues, during personal-care sessions like a manicure (we all have heard of resulting infections etc. -- what if you got blamed) let alone the zombie house where an accident could happen or the girl get some sort of traumatic fright.

Your friend sounds shortsighted and immature to sanction tricking the other girl's mother, too.

As they say, "no good deed goes unpunished!"

5Foot5 · 22/10/2015 20:57

Regardless of the nature of your plans for the evening your friend has a monumemental cheek to land you with an extra teenager like that. I think you would be more than reasonable to call the whole thing off.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/10/2015 21:05

You are absolutely doing the right thing. I'd compromise as a PP suggested by telling friend you'd be willing to come to hers to keep and eye on both girls so she can go out, but that without parental permission you aren't taking the friend anywhere.

ChilliAndMint · 22/10/2015 21:06

I was babysitting at 14. What is the World coming too?

PacificMouse · 22/10/2015 21:07

OK, these girls are 14yo aren't they?
Is that a proper arrangement, playdate type of thing for a better word that your friend has made with the other mum or is it more of a 'yay I'll be at xxx thaty afternoon. I'll let you know if things change' (ie a much more fluid type of organisation) made between two teenagers?

Hygge · 22/10/2015 21:09

I think you're doing the right thing.

I would be furious if in the future my son is meant to be staying with a friend and that friend's parents were happy to mislead me and ship him off to a total stranger behind my back. And I assume, have him collude in a lie about it.

No offence to you OP, you sound lovely, but that's not the point is it? The point is, that girl's mother should know where her daughter is spending the night, should know about the halloween attraction which may be a bit much for her daughter, and should be able to trust the person she thinks her child is staying with.

I would cancel. And if they say the girl's mother has been told and is in agreement, I'd want that mother's telephone number so I could check that for myself. And not by text either.

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