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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to babysit now?

64 replies

WalfordEast · 22/10/2015 20:20

A good friend of mine asked me to babysit her 14 year old daughter tomorrow night. I realise "babysit" probably isnt the right word to use for a 14 year old, but all I can come up with.

The plan was this- she was going to be dropped off at mine at 2pm, we were going to get our nails done and have a pamper afternoon/pizza tea and go to a local attraction that has like a haunted house with zombies etc. It is pretty intense stuff- I went last year, and it freaked me out. But the girls mother gave her permission to go so I said fair enough.

Friend has now called me to say her DD will be bringing a friend with her. I asked her if she could get this girls mother to call me to confirm that a) she was comfortable with her daughter staying with a complete stranger and b) that she was comfortable with her daughter coming to this attraction with us.

Friend then tells me the girls mother hasnt been told- as far she is concerned, her DD is staying at my friends house. Friend didnt see the need to tell her?!!

Ive told her im uncomfortable with this, and unless she tells her- I wont be looking after her and it will be her responsibility to deal with.

I feel shit- because a) my friend is a single mother and rarely gets the chance to go out and b) her daughter will be missing out on tomorrow night as there is no chance her MUm will take her, and under 18s have to be accompanied by an over 18.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

WalfordEast · 22/10/2015 21:12

Im really not unconfortable having a minor in my care that I dont know and who doesnt know me without her parents knowing. I know she isnt a six year old, but she still is a minor. It just doesnt sit right with me.

Spoke to friend again who has tried to guilt trip me over her DD missing out. I feel shit but if anything went wrong it would be a whole lot worse

OP posts:

ShamelessBreadAddict · 22/10/2015 21:15

Ugh your friend sounds like a dickhead. Please don't feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong.

rosy71 · 22/10/2015 21:18

Why doesn't your friend just tell/ask the other girl's mother? Am I missing something??

grisclair · 22/10/2015 21:18

ChilliAndMint, that was my first thought as well. Why on earth would a 14-year-old still need a "babysitter" when her mother wants to have a night out?

ShamelessBreadAddict · 22/10/2015 21:21

So true rosy. Why is she phoning up OP to lay on the guilt when there's an easy solution? Unless she's agreed with the parents to watch the friend already or something and is too embarrassed to tell them now.

FishWithABicycle · 22/10/2015 21:23

the girls mother hasnt been told- as far she is concerned, her DD is staying at my friends house

OK so I would still babysit but unless you get to talk to this other teen's mum then you stay at your friend's house - no nail pamper and no haunted house.

ohtheholidays · 22/10/2015 21:25

YANBU,do you know why your friend hasn't just phoned the other girls Mum and checked with her?

QuintShhhhhh · 22/10/2015 21:29

Maybe other mum is paying your friend to look after HER dd, and she has outsourced them both to you....

OhBigHairyBollocks · 22/10/2015 21:32

I don't get why she can't just phone. Bit weird really. Don't feel guilty, it's not your fault!

starlight2007 · 22/10/2015 21:38

YANBU... but however it is very odd as the issue could be solved by a phonecall...

Agree with others this is not your issue..

Youarentkiddingme · 22/10/2015 21:51

Good call IMO. My DS is quite nervy and affected by being around strangers and certainly would be petrified of the attraction! I'd appreciate a phonecall conversation and to make the decision myself what my child did and didn't do.

MySordidCakeSecret · 22/10/2015 21:52

wow what lovely plans you had made! you sound like a wonderful friend. Your friends in this instance not so much. Just explain that unless she contacts her dd's friend mother to seek permission and payment for her involvement then either call it off or as suggested just stay at your friends house but you should still have contact numbers etc.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 22/10/2015 22:05

This is massively weird, your friend is behaving appallingly (although I can understand it even if I don't condone it if she rarely gets to go out). DO NOT under any circumstances take responsibility for a child whose parents don't know where she is, it's a potential recipe for disaster (unlikely but possible).

If your friend was a decent person she'd explain to her DD's friend's mum, let you speak to her and square it all away before going.

And as other posters have asked (but not been answered), who is paying??

BondJayneBond · 22/10/2015 22:06

YANBU.

I'd be very angry if my DC were to be staying overnight with a friend, and instead were staying overnight at another friends house without my knowledge.

Seriously, if your friend were in the position of the second girl's mother - so her DD wasn't staying where she thought she was, and the adult who was meant to be in charge of her DD hadn't mentioned it and didn't intend to - would she really be okay with this?

KatharinaRosalie · 22/10/2015 22:09

your friend is massively rude, just informing you that there's another random girl staying with you. What does she think you do, run a hotel?

BackforGood · 22/10/2015 22:12

If your friend has made arrangements for her dd to do things with you, then, when the friend mentioned being with her, she (your friend) should just have reminded the dd she wasn't available that night as she was doing stuff with you. End of. There's nothing to feel in any way guilty about, it's not your problem. there's no way it's your responsibility.

As a parent (I have 3 dc, and the youngest is 14) I would be furious if my dd told me she was staying somewhere and then went off somewhere else. That's the kind of behaviour that would get them grounded for a long time to come as it is breaking my trust.

edwinbear · 22/10/2015 22:16

YADNBU. OP you sound lovely, arranging a fun evening for her DD and by the sounds of it, taking her friend along as well, on the one, sensible proviso, that her mother knows where she is. Your friend is being a bit odd, what's the problem with her checking with the girl's mum? What if there was some sort of family emergency and the mum rocked up at your friends house to collect her daughter, to find an empty house? And is she expecting the friend to lie to her mum about what she gets up to?

BreakfastLunchPasta · 22/10/2015 22:29

YANBU
Friend is taking the piss.

OTheHugeManatee · 22/10/2015 22:36

Wait, what? You agreed to mind a friend's teenager for a night so she can go out, and suddenly you're Brown Owl?

Also, why on earth can't this girl stay on her own while the mother goes out? 14 is perfectly old enough unless she's a total hooligan.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/10/2015 23:05

Very good question. Why WON'T your friend call the other mother, have you asked her? It would have been the natural next step if I were her "Oh, I didn't think. Let me call 'Missy's' folks and check with them. I'll get back to you".

I'm beginning to wonder if she's trying to play 'cool mum' knowing that the other girl's mum wouldn't approve of the 'outings'. Or they've already asked and permission has been denied and your friend doesn't want to cancel her night out to stay home with the girls.

You know, I'd trust ONE 14 yr old home alone, not so sure I'd trust TWO of them. They're probably lovely girls, but I know what I was getting up to at that age. Plus one of the messiest parties I ever went to was when a bunch of kids (I plead guilty) invited themselves to a home where the parents weren't present.

DameMargaretOfChalfont · 23/10/2015 09:37

Spoke to friend again who has tried to guilt trip me over her DD missing out - This woman is not your friend if this is how she is acting.

Go with your gut instinct and cancel - you'll be doing the right thing. "Friend" is being manipulative and devious.

mellowheart · 23/10/2015 10:07

I was babysitting at 14. What is the World coming too?
Same here

MammaTJ · 23/10/2015 10:53

Guilt tripping you?

All she has to do is have that conversation with the girl's mum then it can go ahead! She is the one preventing this!

What is with you babysitting a 14 year old though? Surely she can be left home alone!

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2015 15:06

Oh c'mon, cut some slack. I was babysitting at 14 too, but it could be that this 14 yr old is immature, lives in a crime-ridden neighbourhood, mum was planning to be gone all night or come home drunk, or maybe she just hates being home alone. It could be that OP just promised her a 'treat' evening out because the girl didn't want her mum going out. The girl staying home alone isn't the issue. It's that her mother is trying to guilt OP into something she doesn't feel comfortable doing.

Katedotness1963 · 23/10/2015 16:19

I think you're doing the right thing. I would not be happy to think my child was in one place only to find out not only were they not where I thought they were, but also left with someone I didn't know.

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