Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

38 weeks pregnant and he just doesn't get it!

61 replies

mumsrthebest · 21/10/2015 23:39

Hi All, AIBU?
I started my maternity leave this week and I've had a particularly hard pregnancy with some complications that have made me feel very tired. My husband and I have a 3 and a half year old already which obviously keeps us on our toes. My husband has started a new job and has been doing early shifts for several weeks but gets two days off a week. He sometimes takes overtime but this is obviously his choice.

In respect of domestic chores he does nothing! Apart from washing up all the other housework I do and have done despite working full time. I have asked him for more help but he hasn't bothered if I'm honest. I also bath and do the bedtime routine with our child.

He has a day off tomorrow and mentioned how pleased he was to be getting a lie in! I reminded him that I was 38 weeks pregnant and it should be me getting the lie in! He continued to say he had done earlies for weeks. I then reminded him that I have been carrying his child for 9 months and I am due to give birth in two weeks time!! I said I found it worrying and upsetting that he did not see or even consider my point of view.

I appreciate that he works long hours but he is physically well. He then started saying that he works long hours to bring the money in for the family and started to make me feel guilty because I wanted a new washing machine because our other one had broken. He then had the nerve to tell me to get another job as well as my full time one!!!!

He did used to have our daughter in the afternoons whilst I was at work after he had done a very early shift and all he did was bring that into the equation. I then reminded him that when I have our daughter I am trying to catch up on domestic chores that he could have done the odd few during the week. I only talking about putting a wash on or folding up washing. We even have a rota he never follows!!!!

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 21/10/2015 23:51

He sounds a delight - has he always been like this or is it a new thing?

Original poster
mumsrthebest · 21/10/2015 23:56

He's never been good at domestic chores. He does work very hard at work and gets tired.

OP posts:
PeppaWellington · 21/10/2015 23:59

Er, YOU wanted the new washing machine? Who's washing his clothes, the magical laundry fairies, and could they do your and dd's laundry too please?

I don't get how it's you that wants a new washing machine - or, to be accurate, wants to have a washing machine (because a broken machine = no machine) when presumably he has laundry to do too? Or does he always wear brand new clothes and throw them out, daily? Hmm

Justmyluck1 · 22/10/2015 00:03

Good grief op. Order a new washing machine today. They are a necessity.

As for your dh well words fail me for once.

Tell him he either shared the chores it you get a cleaner. He can increase his hours to pay for it.

Cheeky bastard.

Costacoffeeplease · 22/10/2015 00:05

Aah bless, he gets tired - do you not get tired op? What's going to happen when the new baby arrives?

Original poster
mumsrthebest · 22/10/2015 00:06

I know, I made a rod for my own back when I word it like that. I told him if he wants his clothes washing he should wash them himself by hand, as I throw his works uniform at him. Angry

OP posts:
Walkinglikeazombie · 22/10/2015 00:07

This is basically me Sad. Husband started a new job, starts at 7am every morning and gets home around 5pm.
I am 35 weeks pregnant and we have a 2yo DD. I started my mat leave couple of weeks ago just to be able to prepare for the new baby as I knew it would all fall on me.
On top of that we have a dog that is always me taking out for a walk, which in the mornings I have to take my DD with me and mornings such as today when is pissing down is not ideal. I mentioned that he could at least take him out in the evenings but that never happens.
As for housework, dinners, once again all down to me because he will get home hungry and expect to have dinner ready.
When it comes to DD, it is always me doing bath/bed routine cos I seem to "manage it better". He is always too tired when he comes back from work and cannot play with her, or has no patience for it.
On his days of, for example yesterday, he got up at 9:30am and was boasting about how nice it is to get some proper sleep(!) Well, I wouldn't know as I can't remember last time I got a lie in.
So, not much advise as I am pretty much in a same boat as you.
And no, he wasn't always like this. He always knew that I hated kitchen and was always willing to help in that aspect but this hardly ever happens these days; he was also always the one saying how it is disgusting some people still divide jobs as mens/womens etc but it seems that he is doing just that now.
Really scared what's going to happen once the DC2 arrives tbh.
Flowers to you

suzannecaravaggio · 22/10/2015 00:09

such a depressingly common story :(

PurpleWithRed · 22/10/2015 00:11

"Help"? You are currently doing his share of the household chores. You don't need help Because that implies they are all your chores and he is doing you a favour by doing anything. You need him to do his share of the work and not leave it all to you.

Stop doing stuff for him. Pick something you don't care about and stop doing it.

suzannecaravaggio · 22/10/2015 00:11

As for housework, dinners, once again all down to me because he will get home hungry and expect to have dinner ready
you could start by not having it ready...let him cook his own, you're too busy with other things to wait on him

Original poster
mumsrthebest · 22/10/2015 00:12

Do you think I am being unreasonable about my lie in tomorrow? I went to Mums today especially so he could have a rest in the afternoon and he said he didn't get chance because he was on the phone to Halifax sorting something out with our bank. I told him he had the opportunity and if he didn't take it it's his tough luck.

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 22/10/2015 00:13

Duct tape a medicine ball to your DH's midriff after throwing it at his head then tell him to get on with it and see how long he lasts....

Original poster
mumsrthebest · 22/10/2015 00:14
Grin
OP posts:
suzannecaravaggio · 22/10/2015 00:17

Do you think I am being unreasonable about my lie in tomorrow?
you are very heavily pregnant with his child, he should be cosseting and protecting you, not bloody fighting and competing with you over who is the most tired ffsAngry

Original poster
mumsrthebest · 22/10/2015 00:20

True

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsrthebest · 22/10/2015 00:22

We often have heated discussions about who is more tired lol. He thinks because my hours are more sociable then I must be less tired.

OP posts:
suzannecaravaggio · 22/10/2015 00:23

absolutely sickening to hear about men who's behavior deteriorates when their partners are at their most vulnerable :(

Original poster
mumsrthebest · 22/10/2015 00:26

I genuinely don't think he sees it like that. I am making him sound an awful person and he isn't at all. I just think he has been mothered to death. She did everything for him.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 22/10/2015 00:32

Did he used to argue with his mother about who was most tired?

Sorry, but it sounds like you're starting to minimise and defend him....

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 22/10/2015 00:39

But surely mothering doesn't cancel out a persons ability to sympathise?!

You're growing a human ffs (and looking after a preschooler, and all the household chores) - that trumps any of his tiredness! Seriously he sounds childish.

Rainbunny · 22/10/2015 00:41

I would find single parenthood preferable than your situation OP!

nameinlights · 22/10/2015 01:11

He sounds b get unsupportive op. My dh and I both work full time and we have a 13 month old. Our household and parenting tasks are shared equally. By this I mean we jointly get what needs doing done, and then get equal down time and time off. There's no way I'd be slogging away at housework after work if he had his feet up.

PennyHasNoSurname · 22/10/2015 01:22

I am quite often at my desk for 7am. Once a week Ive also been there till 11pm the night prior. But you know, the world still turns. The kids still need stuff. The house still needs attention.

He is making excuses to get out of doing his fair share. He sounds very unsupportive and uncaring. You are making his child.

Actions speak louder than words. Stop doing anything that benefits him.

Meandyou150 · 22/10/2015 05:30

Jesus he sounds awful

Senpai · 22/10/2015 05:42

Me and DH take turns with sleep ins on his days off.

I do most of the house work, but he's just tired by the time he comes home and I have the time and energy to do it during the day while he's at work most times.

To his credit he does do the dishes when I announce it's his turn. He also does all the cooking and watches DD in the morning if he has an afternoon shift, so our chores are more 40/60 in terms of what we both do around the house and with DD. I figure the extra 10% goes to him working, I can do a little more as it needs to be done.