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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

38 weeks pregnant and he just doesn't get it!

61 replies

mumsrthebest · 21/10/2015 23:39

Hi All, AIBU?
I started my maternity leave this week and I've had a particularly hard pregnancy with some complications that have made me feel very tired. My husband and I have a 3 and a half year old already which obviously keeps us on our toes. My husband has started a new job and has been doing early shifts for several weeks but gets two days off a week. He sometimes takes overtime but this is obviously his choice.

In respect of domestic chores he does nothing! Apart from washing up all the other housework I do and have done despite working full time. I have asked him for more help but he hasn't bothered if I'm honest. I also bath and do the bedtime routine with our child.

He has a day off tomorrow and mentioned how pleased he was to be getting a lie in! I reminded him that I was 38 weeks pregnant and it should be me getting the lie in! He continued to say he had done earlies for weeks. I then reminded him that I have been carrying his child for 9 months and I am due to give birth in two weeks time!! I said I found it worrying and upsetting that he did not see or even consider my point of view.

I appreciate that he works long hours but he is physically well. He then started saying that he works long hours to bring the money in for the family and started to make me feel guilty because I wanted a new washing machine because our other one had broken. He then had the nerve to tell me to get another job as well as my full time one!!!!

He did used to have our daughter in the afternoons whilst I was at work after he had done a very early shift and all he did was bring that into the equation. I then reminded him that when I have our daughter I am trying to catch up on domestic chores that he could have done the odd few during the week. I only talking about putting a wash on or folding up washing. We even have a rota he never follows!!!!

OP posts:

Dontunderstand01 · 22/10/2015 06:16

Go on strike op. You are not has servant. Men like this boil my piss. My dh has form for being forgetful but he really come through for me even I was pregnant and kept telling me how proud he wad of me for carrying our child. You deserve that OP. Please don't settle for less.

Daffodilliesanddaisies · 22/10/2015 06:23

He needs to start pulling his weight, it's not fair. I would definitely stop doing things for him, his washing etc. you should be resting now, conserving your energy for the birth.

In contrast I was signed off at 29 weeks pregnant with Spd. It got progressively worse until by the end when I was pretty much housebound and unable to walk more than a few steps. Dp despite working 6 days some weeks did everything. All school runs for my child, all housework, cooking and cleaning, pet care, shopping. He stepped up because it was needed. I felt really guilty because he was running himself ragged but I couldn't physically do anything much. I spent the later part of my maternity leave napping. Now the baby is here and my Spd is gone he still pulls his weight. Nowhere near what he was doing but still a lot.

You need to spell it out to him.

lighteningirl · 22/10/2015 06:42

Sounds just like my first dp father of both my dc we someone ended up in a relationship like this. It was exhausting and debilitating then I left him took my children and (after a bit of upheaval) had a very very nice fifteen years totally at peace in charge of my own tidy home with the added benefit of a night off every weekend.

petalsandstars · 22/10/2015 07:18

Yep. He's being a twat

megletthesecond · 22/10/2015 07:24

Never mind ordering a new washing machine, order a new husband.

I had to put up with crap like this from XP, as well as screaming abuse if I dared speak up. By the time dc2 was 4 months old I ended the relationship. I was doing everything anyway, I just had one less adult to clean up behind.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 22/10/2015 07:30

You need to strike. Stand firm.

He needs training. Start with next day off, you go to moms alone, leave him too it, with a list.

Tarzanlovesgaby · 22/10/2015 07:47

yabu to enable him.

he is bu being an arse.

if he does turn nasty please contact police and woman's aid.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/10/2015 07:56

He's a shocker. I'm so fed up of women who do everything for their little princes sons and turn them into this sort of misogynistic fecker who seems to think that ANYTHING to do with house and children should be "wimmins' work" because he has a JOB and brings in the MONEY. But so do you!! So you have a job and bring in money and do all the fecking house stuff and look after the children - in other words, he's an idle fecker who has been brought up to believe that he's doing the world a favour by having a job in the first place and you should just be grateful for that and do everything else for him.

No. Just no.

Tarzanlovesgaby · 22/10/2015 08:12

but what about his father? is he an abusive price specimen as well.

sorry op for being so harsh, hope everything gets better from now on.

paulapompom · 22/10/2015 08:14

Bloody Hell! I am usually a calm poster, but he sounds like a twat tbh. I think you have good advice from ops OP. Go on strike, start to not do chores that don't affect you or dd.

Would your mum do washing for you and dd? Or at least let you use her machine - if so I would do that and see how long it is till HE wants a new washing machine!

Having had experience of both shift work and 9 - 5 patterns, I would say unsociable hours are not automatically more tiring. Being heavily pregnant, yes that was bloody hard work.

Good luck

sltorres9 · 22/10/2015 08:16

Personally yes yabu. You are not the first woman to be having a baby. My OH wasn't working when I was pregnant and I still never got a lie in. 16 months on, I class 7.30am as a lie in! He would never offer to have the baby and let me sleep, despite me asking.

lighteningirl · 22/10/2015 08:22

I was doing everything anyway. One less adult to clear up behind. Perfect summary.

Use Meg's actual words to him. Twenty years on me and exdp have talked about what went wrong and he deeply regrets his behaviour but he was s/e worked long hours big interest rate on mortgage was 15% blah blah blah. He says that maybe things would have been different if I had stood up to him even more and if we could turn back time I would try some of the above ideas esp going on strike.

SlightlyAshamed1 · 22/10/2015 08:30

sltorres9 - are you saying that because you are being treated badly that everyone should be treated badly? .

It's okay if you are okay with it, but it's not on to try and persuade other people to tolerate stuff that makes them unhappy.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/10/2015 08:42

Particularly annoying to say he works to bring in the money for the family when you work too - paid employment that is, on top of doing pretty much all the domestic chores! Of course your money doesn't count, because you spend it all on shoes

Did his mother work full time whilst doing everything for him?

Jeffreythegiraffe · 22/10/2015 08:53

Well sltorres your dh also sounds like an unhelpful arse.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 22/10/2015 08:54

SlightlyAshamed1 you got there first - let's not make this a race to the bottom to see who can put up with the worst behaviour from their DP...

lorelei9 · 22/10/2015 08:59

he sounds a really nasty piece of work

you need to stop cooking for him, doing his laundry etc

expatinscotland · 22/10/2015 09:04

Another woman married to a twat. Surprise, surprise. This would kill any love I had for a person stone dead. Disrespectful arsehole. 'Help'? Doing your fair share in life is not 'help'. The comment about your getting another job? WTAF? I'd rather be single, at least there would be one less person making a mess.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 22/10/2015 09:04

sltorres Wjat you have said is basically the equivalent of if one poster came on and asked what she should do because her husband had broken her arm and another poster saying "oh that's nothing - my husband fractured my skull last week"

Op - when is your next midwife appointment? Perhaps if you come back saying that the midwife says you need more rest or the baby is at risk (which she will - especially if you ask the right questions!) your Dh will step up. And if he doesn't then you know exactly who he is.

SlightlyAshamed1 · 22/10/2015 09:08

The thing is, if this is all you know, and all you see around you, and if you are in a bad place anyway, by the time you add in all the pregnancy hormones and stresses then it is really tough to say, 'no, that's not right'.

If a man has seen this as normal all his life, and sees his partner tired, hormonal and stressed and still does nothing, then he is unlikely to change. Why should he?

The only thing you can do is work out what you can do, what you can leave, and how you can cope. Once the baby is here and you are more settled in yourself then perhaps you can work out exactly what you can tolerate and what you can do about that.

I would suggest that you concentrate on keeping yourself well at the moment and perhaps a midwife or health visitor can speak to your partner. Good luck!

Dogzeyes · 22/10/2015 09:15

Tbh normally I would suggest sitting down and having a reset chat about household expectations however from the limited amount you have posted this guy seems like an entitled arse (sorry op)

I don't know what to suggest as I know you probably don't have the energy mentally or physically to do anything drastic now. If it was me I would go stay at my mums for a bit, let him fend for himself!

expatinscotland · 22/10/2015 09:20

'If it was me I would go stay at my mums for a bit, let him fend for himself!

So then she comes back to a house that's a tip, too? What if her mother lives far away?

People like this don't magically change because they've been left. They just live in a tip.

He thinks working FT is a get out of life free card.

gamerchick · 22/10/2015 09:26

You need a washing machine man, have you ordered one?

Don't have any more babies with this person, what is he going to be like when you have a newborn thrown into the mix?

Fratelli · 22/10/2015 09:29

Hi op, my oh used to be like this although nowhere near as bad. The final straw for me was him complaining that there was one crease in a t shirt. I was mid ironing so I just did my clothes and told him he could do his own from now on. He was apologetic but I carried on doing my own clothes and chores etc and now he pulls his weight around the house and with the baby. Our relationship is so so much better for it.

Please don't think you should have to tolerate his behaviour just because other women tolerate it from their partners. There's no need to be a martyr. Good luck and

Dogzeyes · 22/10/2015 09:29

Yes I know expat, but tbh she prob doesn't have the energy to leave 'Officially' now maybe having some time away from being his slave will benefit her for the time being, anyway she mentioned in her op she recently stayed with her mum

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