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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel miffed that I pay for half of centre parks holiday?

102 replies

Achooblessyou · 21/10/2015 19:19

Fairly new boyfriend (1 year) booked a large house at centre parks this time last year, with the intention of going with just his kids. Asked if I would like to go along with my kids.

So after some persuasion I said that would be nice, and said I would get all activities for weekend. As there are 6 of us the activities will get quite expensive, but not as much as he had paid for the house (about £900). He then said it would be easier if I just paid for half of house.

Obviously I'm a lone parent and haven't budgeted for this - I really would never book centre parks for my family as it's far too expensive for me. So if I go I've got a bill for £450 plus activities for me and kids, and probable meals out.

My thinking was that he'd paid for house without any expectation of anyone else sharing the cost. He didn't mention me going halves when he was inviting me. I'm feeling a bit miffed, but now I've said I'll go I feel I just need to go with it. It's not that I will be destitute or anything it's just that Christmas will need to be a bit leaner because of this!

I usually pay half of anything we do, and I think that's fair. So am I wrong to be a bit miffed?

OP posts:

AngryPrincess · 21/10/2015 21:50

I don't think I would enjoy the holiday in that situation. I think the whole thing about being ok going along with it when you thought he was paying, well yes, because you thought you could afford it. So? And now you know you can't. That's not taking advantage of him, that's being aware of your finances. Sounds really dubious about him spending ages to persuade you to go too.

Original poster

Achooblessyou · 21/10/2015 21:52

I've set the scene and told him I'm worried about practicalities so he shouldn't make any changes to booking. I'm seeing him tomorrow night so I think it's best I say then that I'm not going. Yes I have found this annoying and I think he's been unreasonable. And it would have been nice if he'd been willing to treat me, I feel sad that he's done this

If I pay this and go, I won't want to do activities or eat out, and that could just spoil things for everyone. So decision made - I've set the scene and will say no when I see him tomorrow.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 21/10/2015 21:52

YABU because you're acting like you don't have a choice. Just tell him you can't afford it

Totally agree with this.

I love CP but I always come back and wince afterwards at how much I've spent-everything costs a fortune there. You could easily blow most of that savings on half the accommodation, eating out and activities. I'd rather not go and put the money towards a new car as planned.

If you do go and end up massively out of pocket-that's your choice.

rollonthesummer · 21/10/2015 21:55

Had he already booked the house BEFORE he asked you? Or did he book a bigger house once you said you were coming?

Original poster

Achooblessyou · 21/10/2015 21:57

Already booked a bigger house, before he asked me

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 21/10/2015 22:07

Right--you can decline without feeling bad :)

Duckdeamon · 21/10/2015 22:14

So the timeline is he booked the house a year ago, asked you to go a night or two ago, then when you'd accepted asked you to pay half?

You shouldn't feel at all bad about telling him, on reflection, that it's not affordable at present, If you're saving hard for a car and it's taken a long time to save £1000 that takes priority. If you go you'll feel stressed about money and any niggles with DC or whatever will be magnified.

Thefuckinggrinch · 21/10/2015 22:21

Stick to your guns. There's nothing worse than going on holiday resenting every bit of cash spent as it takes you further away from your car (which realistically is of much greater long term benefit to both you and your kids)

Yellowbird54321 · 21/10/2015 22:22

Good for you OP - hope it goes okay when you speak with him tomorrow.

serin · 21/10/2015 22:25

You need a car, you do not need to spend a fortune on a weekend in CP (probably looking after his kids).

I think he sounds mean.

Grapejuicerocks · 21/10/2015 22:25

Hope he turns up trumps when he realises the position he's put you in. Maybe he did genuinely think you were trying to pay your way when you offered activities, in which case paying half the house would be more straight forward.
His reaction tomorrow will be telling.

Notcontent · 21/10/2015 22:26

Agree that you shouldn't go - there is nothing worse than feeling pushed into spending more money than you can afford.

DinosaursRoar · 21/10/2015 22:27

Decline - but don't get stroppy, it sounds like you've always made a point of paying half of everything, giving a clear indication that while your income may well be lower, you don't expect or want to be treated by him. You also offered to pay for the activities of all children going (both yours and his) as "your share" - that would also give the impression you intended to pay half the overall cost of the holiday, albeit him covering the accomodation and you covering the activities and meals out.

He then said it would be 'easier' if you just paid half the accomodation and you both are responsible for covering your DCs actitivies, that can easily be covered with a thought process of "well, she wants to go halves, but if she pays for activities, I don't want my children to have to check with her what they do, it could get akward if the kids want to do different things, or she doesn't think they should do what they want to. I know, i'll say we'll just split the accomodation and pay separately for activities instead, much easier, and i keep control of what my children do, less likely to be upsetting anyone...."

he might well be perfectly happy for you to come along with out paying half the accomodation, but really wants to avoid you being the one who decides/pays for his children's activities, or is seen as the one "treating them" to the fun stuff.

Only1scoop · 21/10/2015 22:29

He wants some cash up front for this Op ....otherwise when you'd have mentioned the activities he'd have said something along the lines of 'we can sort that no worries etc'

I'd probably be a bit miffed to be honest. It was the one he'd booked anyway. Not as if he's upgrading because you and your DC are joining him.

Anastasie · 22/10/2015 07:53

I think initially when something like this is mentioned it would be my immediate reaction to say 'right, well I should pay towards it then' and thrash that out before agreeing to it. It sounds like that part was glossed over a bit, either by him or by mistake - did he keep saying 'we'll talk about it later' ?

Good luck with the conversation and I hope you manage to sort things out amicably.

WeAreEternal · 22/10/2015 09:14

I think if you were going to go paying 50% is correct,
you would be using half the house and since it is usual for you to go 50/50 on everything this should be no different.

He already booked and paid for the larger house, but I would assume this was so that his DCs could have a room each, which they won't have if your DCs are sharing half of the bedrooms.

Honestly I think if it is normal for you to pay for everything 50/50 then you are being unreasonable to expect him to pay.

AnneElliott · 22/10/2015 09:19

He is BU OP. We booked Disney for next year and then invited a friend and her child as we had more rooms than we needed. We're not asking her to pay for the accommodation as we freely booked it for ourselves before we invited her.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 22/10/2015 09:28

I would expect to pay half, unless the person explicitly said i didn't need to pay.

harshbuttrue1980 · 22/10/2015 10:15

I agree with We Are Eternal. You have assumed you weren't paying half until you are told that you are expected to, but I would have been the opposite. If someone suggests going on holiday with me, I would assume that they meant that I would pay half - but then I'm not mixing in the sort of wealthy circles where anyone can "treat" someone to a holiday. My friend asked me if I wanted to go on holiday next year, and I just assumed that she meant that I'd be paying half. After a year, I would still assume that your finances are separate.

On the other hand, I think its perfectly reasonable for you to say that you can't afford it. You shouldn't feel pressured into going on a holiday that is going to make you unable to afford Christmas for your children. You both have to look after your own finances and do what's right for you and your own children.

Mayvis · 22/10/2015 10:16

The activities cost for 6 people could easily reach £450 though, before adding on food/drinks out and about. Bike hire for 6 would be about £150 alone.

Maybe he thought that it was just easier to split the house cost, thinking it would be a similar amount to what activities would cost?

ShamelessBreadAddict · 22/10/2015 10:18

I would assume I was payin half of a friend asked me to join them, but if a partner asked me it wouldn't be my first assumption tbh. I might have clarified at the time though but it sounds like the op did and he agreed initially to let her pay for activities instead of accommodation.

ShamelessBreadAddict · 22/10/2015 10:19

*paying half if

Stupid phone strikes again!

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2015 10:31

You do say in your OP that you agreed "after some persuasion", so I am surprised that the payment stuff didn't come up before now.

Did you have an idea in your mind what an acceptable amount for activities and some food would have been?

If I were you the conversation would now go:

I'm really sorry, DBF, but I'm going to have to pull out of CP - I just can't afford £450 and food & activities on top this close to Christmas, and with saving for the car. I'd thought it would cost about £XX, and to be honest even that's a bit of a stretch because I hadn't been planning it all year, but obviously I want to pay my way - I just can't justify spending upwards of half my savings I've got put aside for my new car on a holiday. The kids will be a bit disappointed but maybe we can all do something else together over half-term/one weekend like a day-trip to somewhere fun?

The ball is then in his court as to whether he wants to accept a contribution of £XX for your company or go on his own.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 22/10/2015 10:46

maybe he doesn't want you paying for activities as he has loads of really expensive ones planned, and it would end up costing you more, or didn't want to worry about eating out and choosing the affordable items, so making it a fixed cost was a nice plan.

QOD · 22/10/2015 10:51

Hope it goes OK op. Sounds a bit like the Friends episode where Monica, Ross and Chandler have $$$ to blow all the time Ans Phoebe, Joey and Rachel have cents. It's a very sensitive issue when finances àre so person al

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