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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel miffed that I pay for half of centre parks holiday?

102 replies

Achooblessyou · 21/10/2015 19:19

Fairly new boyfriend (1 year) booked a large house at centre parks this time last year, with the intention of going with just his kids. Asked if I would like to go along with my kids.

So after some persuasion I said that would be nice, and said I would get all activities for weekend. As there are 6 of us the activities will get quite expensive, but not as much as he had paid for the house (about £900). He then said it would be easier if I just paid for half of house.

Obviously I'm a lone parent and haven't budgeted for this - I really would never book centre parks for my family as it's far too expensive for me. So if I go I've got a bill for £450 plus activities for me and kids, and probable meals out.

My thinking was that he'd paid for house without any expectation of anyone else sharing the cost. He didn't mention me going halves when he was inviting me. I'm feeling a bit miffed, but now I've said I'll go I feel I just need to go with it. It's not that I will be destitute or anything it's just that Christmas will need to be a bit leaner because of this!

I usually pay half of anything we do, and I think that's fair. So am I wrong to be a bit miffed?

OP posts:

Trills · 21/10/2015 20:34

Next time someone says "do you want to do X?" without mentioning a price, ask the price before saying yes.

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 21/10/2015 20:38

If you just say that you've realised you can't afford it, and indicate that you don't expect to go, there's really nothing he can say.

Seabiscotti · 21/10/2015 20:41

Don't go. CP can be very expensive, especially if you eat and drink out. The cost of activities soon racks up too.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/10/2015 20:43

I have to say, a friend booked a caravan holiday last year, one of those static caravans. She'd booked a massive caravan and asked me to go after she'd booked it. She did not expect me to pay at all towards the caravan she had booked way before even considering to invite me and my children along.

Booyaka · 21/10/2015 20:49

I can't believe people are blaming you for this OP, he's taken you for a mug.

He invited you to come on holiday with him, he made no mention of a cost to you and when you offered to pay for all the activities he made no attempt to insist that he paid his half, which he would have done if he'd thought you were paying for half of the holiday. The fact you offered to pay for all the activities makes it blatantly obvious you didn't think you were paying for the holiday.

It sounds like he's seen an opportunity to rip you off and has waited until all the activities are booked and paid for and your kids are excited before dropping the £450 bombshell. Sounds like he's seen an opportunity to get a holiday with all activities chucked in for a pittance while you foot almost all of the bill.

You need to confront him and say that if he had made it clear he expected you to foot half the bill (as he should have done) you would not have agreed to pay for all the activities. Tell him you can't afford to do it, and you will have to pay him the £450 pounds for the house minus the share of the activities for him and his children. If he's genuine he'll be okay with this and see it is fair. If he refuses he is conning you, dump him.

Please, please, please don't sacrifice you and your children's safety net or your kid's Christmas for this twat.

Yellowbird54321 · 21/10/2015 20:50

I agree with others who have said he should have mentioned right from the start that he wanted you to pay half, then you could have made a fully informed decision - it does feel a bit sneaky to only mention it after he'd 'invited' you.
Also tbh in your situation I could not help but think he's a bit tight really - and I would find that very off putting.
The holiday house is already paid for so actually it's just bad form to ask you to contribute now, I'd definitely just say you've changed your mind now you've had a chance to think through your finances then I'd finish with him, but that's probably why I'm still single

Booyaka · 21/10/2015 20:51

Oh, and call the holiday co and ask if they can refund the activities to a credit note for you as you paid for them and you've split with your partner and don't want him to use it. Make him pay for his own bloody activities. Even if they won't refund ask them not to make them available to him as he did not fund them. Did you pay them with your card? Please tell me you didn't give him the cash?

Original poster

Achooblessyou · 21/10/2015 20:55

This has been really helpful and you all have very valid comments!

My reservation now is, as scoop says, if I say no now it looks like I was happy to go when he was paying but don't want to spend time with him enough to pay my own way.

The invite isn't a new idea, it has been mentioned a few times over the past few months. But never mentioned that I would pay half until now.

So I do have another quandary that the kids (who have met each other a few times) have talked about it and got a bit excited.

Your comments have given me the confidence to say no - will chew on it a couple more days before deciding.

OP posts:

Original poster

Achooblessyou · 21/10/2015 20:56

Don't worry I've not paid for any activities yet. I've shelled out nothing so far.

OP posts:

Yellowbird54321 · 21/10/2015 20:56

Er, Boo I don't think OP has actually paid anything at all as yet, but "make him pay for his own bloody activities" made me laugh - thank you

fastdaytears · 21/10/2015 20:58

I see what you mean, and no you don't want to sound like you had assumed he'd pay. Is this the first time he's mentioned how much it cost? You could say you didn't know how expensive it would be?

DinosaursRoar · 21/10/2015 20:58

To defend him - if you had suggested you'll get all the activities, giving the impression that would be like paying half, then perhaps he's come back with "just pay half the house" message to avoid having to run it past you what his DCs do as activities or what eating out they do, it would be a recipe for disaster if you had different ideas about acceptable spending on the DCs. He obviously thought your "I'll pay activities and food" suggestion was you trying to pay half/a 'fair share' and wanted to keep it simpler, particularly if you make a point of always paying half, so he's more likely to assume that was what you were trying to do with your offer of paying for activities.

Go back to him and say having thought about it, you can't really afford it this time, so hope him and your DCs have fun.

AppleAndBlackberry · 21/10/2015 21:03

I think the difference between a 2 bed and a 3 bed is something like £300 if that helps at all. I.e. it's costing him around an extra £300 for you and your kids to join him. Perhaps if you still want to go you could pay this amount instead and split the activity costs?

AppleAndBlackberry · 21/10/2015 21:04

Actually just re-read the op and realised he'd booked a year ago so ignore my previous comment.

MagickPants · 21/10/2015 21:05

Why are you so worried what he thinks? he hasn't been up front about the arrangements. Now you know the costs you can't afford it. there is nothing that "looks bad" about this (on you anyway).

here is a normal conversation:

"Want to do this thing?"
"Sounds nice."
"Let's go halves. It'll cost a fiver / £450 / £456,678,000 each."
"Great! / Erm not sure / NO WAY"

The difference between your conversation is he left a period of months between your "sounds nice" and the next bit.

That's entirely his fault.

BathtimeFunkster · 21/10/2015 21:11

if I say no now it looks like I was happy to go when he was paying but don't want to spend time with him enough to pay my own way.

So what?

It's true that you were happy to go when you thought he was inviting you and not trying to halve his holiday costs.

You can't afford that kind of holiday, so of course you would only be happy to go if you were a guest.

There is no "paying your way" here, because he had already booked this holiday without you. The cost is his to meet.

ShamelessBreadAddict · 21/10/2015 21:12

Sorry, this is just my personal opinion and could be a tad harsh, but I would find this annoying. He booked the house for just his own family and must have been prepared to pay for it(?). To invite you along and then ask for half the cost of the house after you agreed is sneaky to me. Technically, yes you should pay for half, if you are using half, but the way he went about it would irritate the hell out of me. In your position I would be honest and say it's just too much for you right now, that you didn't realise he expected it when you agreed to come and if that's the cost you simply can't go. If you can afford it and want to go that is a different matter, but if you can't and you don't then I would tend to be up front and honest about it.

ShamelessBreadAddict · 21/10/2015 21:15

Sorry but if a X post there - took me too long to type on stupid phone

ShamelessBreadAddict · 21/10/2015 21:15

*bit of a

Stupid phone. Stupid autocorrect.

Alwayssunny · 21/10/2015 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeaLeander · 21/10/2015 21:27

To avoid seeming that you were willing to go if he were paying, just say "Now that it's getting closer to reality I realize that it is impractical for us to participate in just now."

Don't dwell on JUST the money aspect but the time, the planning / organizing, your time off work, the fact that you need to balance any holiday with Christmas and other activities, etc. It just won't work for your family this year, pleasant as it might be. (And really you have no guarantee of having a good time, it could be a disaster.)

How old are your children? It's a pity it was mentioned to them at all but just say "I'm sorry you were disappointed and I shouldn't have mentioned it without being sure, but we will do other fun things together." Etc.

DoreenLethal · 21/10/2015 21:32

If you are really worried about saying no to him, when he invited you and persuaded you to go in the first place, then you need to be worried about the relationship not just the finances.

You should be fully able to tell a partner to bugger off and not feel stressed about these things.

merrymouse · 21/10/2015 21:44

You need to talk honestly about your money situation.

If you can't, what are you going to do the next time something like this comes up?

It already sounds as though you would be making big compromises to do something you don't really care about doing, when as far as he is concerned you are just booking a lovely holiday and cash isn't a problem.

Thefuckinggrinch · 21/10/2015 21:47

I would basically say to him "sorry to have to do this but I've been looking at the costs for Centreparcs in more detail after our conversation last night and I just simply can't afford to join you on the holiday. I hope you have a great time with your kids as you planned and maybe next year we can book something together that suits us both." or as Lealeander says go with the impractical line if you don't just want to mention the cost.

Don't feel bad, don't get stressed. Just say to the kids that you were looking forward to it but unfortunately it didn't work out this time and go do something fun (and much less costly!) with them instead.

WMittens · 21/10/2015 21:49

Obviously I'm a lone parent and haven't budgeted for this

I'm taking a wild stab in the dark here, but I'm guessing he's also a lone parent?

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