Pregnant Sister AIBU?

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So SIL is pregnant with twins (IVF pregnancy), & I'm feeling pretty fed up with her (please tell me I'm being unreasonable so I can shake it off) basically since she announced she has been very O.T.T, saying she can't clean, can't do anything strenuous, shes going to be huge, her sickness is terrible, basically she has said she should have bed rest because her pregnancy is precious, she rang my mum saying she had a cold, mum told her to take a paracetamol (shes a nurse) but she ignored her anyway went to the doctors who basically told her the same thing, she also keeps going on about how her babies should be very intelligent because shes been taking extra folic acid & supplements for a year.

I've tried to offer her advice about things to aid sickness, based on my experience and she shot me down saying it's much worse with twins, anything I say she shoots me down, I'm trying to bond with her over the pregnancy but she's acting like the only person who has ever been pregnant . She also said she won't be going to term (which is common with twins anyway) because her babies are more precious, she said this in front of our cousin who had a very late loss (7 months). I know IVF is very a hard emotional thing to go through but I can't seem to stop wanting to bang my head against a wall when I see her. AIBU?

I had IVF twins....If she is anything like me, she has gone through hell to get pregnant with terror or failing at each stage. Plus she will be soused in hormones. Yes, sickness tends to be a bit worse with twins, and the hormonal impact is greater. Psychologically, emotionally and physically it is places great demands on an often sane and sensible person (er-hem). Be kind to her. Let her be a pain. You are not hearing the 'normal' SIL here but her slightly terrified/excited/overwhelmed/precious/hormonal alter ego. I was bonkers during my IVF twin pregnancy, and it was interspersed with a variety of scares as twin pregnancies can be. Go easy and be there for her when she has two newborns to care for.....

Most of this I would roll your eyes, say "yes dear" and let her get on with it. Don't bother trying to "bond" - in her eyes you'll never have had it so bad regardless of the actual facts.

However she has massively crossed a line with your cousin and she absolutely needs telling clearly that she needs to be MUCH more sensitive around her.

TBH, I suspect this isn't going to stop when she has the babies. They are already more precious and I doubt being born is going to make them less precious.

I would perfect my sympathetic nod-and-smile now and let her get on with it.

I don't see how you are being unreasonable. You're trying to take an interest and give advice but it seems every time you open you're mouth you're shot down. Well tgst'd piss me off. I get she's been through IVF and brilliant news about her pregnancy but she carries on acting like a princess fetch me, carry me get me it'd understandably going to get on everyone's nerves. I can't stand pregnant women milking it. Like they're the only person ever to be, ever will be or ever has been pregnant. No one carried me around when I was pregnant or treated me like a snowflake.

I can understand about the babies feeling extra precious to her if it's been a hard journey getting to this point but she doesn't need to keep going on about it especially in front of your poor cousin.
I had twins this year and it's an awful lot harder than a singleton pregnancy(I've had one of them too), I know I whinged and moaned alot and cried alot and asked my close family for lots of help (ds1 is only 2) so cut her a little bit of slack and try be excited about the 2 new babies your going to be aunty too!

IVF pregnancies are nornally treated differently: they are higher risk.

Are they? I'm 23 weeks with an IVF singleton and ever since an early scan at 8 weeks I've been handed back to normal GP/Midwife care and, as far as I can tell, have been treated like any other first time pregnancy. No special treatment because of the IVF.

I can see how she might be feeling all kinds of awful; twins are going to take a higher toll on her than the average singleton pregnancy. If I were you I'd just let her get on with her moaning (which may be partly relief/anxiety, and partly her being a bit attention-seeky) and just keep your baby talk minimal. When you speak to her, talk about normal things like your family, the news, etc. If she starts complaining about how rough she has it, just give a measured response, then change the subject; 'you're feeling sick? I found eating little and often really made a difference. Did you see Downton on Sunday?' That way you're acknowledging her, but trying to steer her away from getting into a 'I've got it worse than you ever did' competition.

How long ago was the insensitive comment in front of your cousin? If it was recent and you catch your SIL on a vaguely sane moment then it might be worth pointing out that she might want to tone down the baby talk in front of your cousin, just out of sensitivity. Pregnancy brain is no excuse for saying things like that.

I had five cycles of IVF, lost one and now have my daughter.

I always referred to her as precious but all babies are precious. I understand why she's being like she is though, I was a bit strange when I was pregnant and analysed every little thing!

I think you'll have to bite your lip, smile and try to say the right things

You really shouldn't assume OPs advice is welcome though ilive. OP doesn't mention having been asked for her views, and presumably we all know that pregnant women are often subjected to reams of unsolicited 'helpful' tips. It is quite possible that, however kindly OP means her advice, she is being every bit as much of an irritation to SIL as SIL is to her. Really it sounds like it would be best all round if OP just left her to it, since neither of them seem to be getting anything positive from their pregnancy-related interactions.

she sounds hard work i wouldn't take too many phone calls from her definatly dont advice her and seriously don't indulge her with any silly bed rest ideas unless its adviced by the doctor fwiw my nan had 8 children her last pregnancy was triplits then she lost one (her only girl) so just had my dad and uncle she looked after the four that lived with her coped with her loss and carried the twins she wasn't they type to moan

People who are totally over the top in pregnancy seem to get a really really hard time after the babies are born because they are utterly perfectionist, and really struggle to cope with the impossible workload of parenting and the inevitable imperfections. If it helps, you could try to think forward to the utter and complete destruction that she will experience at the hands of her own children when the time comes and just smile quietly to yourself. I'd call her out for the insensitive comment about the late pregnancy loss though.

That is interesting about the differing advice on whether an IVF pregnancy is treated as higher risk. Where I am, all pg women go to a consultant, I don't think there is such a thing here as fully midwife led care. My sister was told that her IVF pregnancy was no higher risk than any other pregnancy, so the procedure was that once she was pregnant it wasn't in her notes unless she specifically raised it herself (which she preferred not to, as she wanted to feel 'normal' after the horrors of IVF).

Anyway, I know this is derailing the thread somewhat but it is always interesting to see how the advice and procedure can differ so much in different parts of the UK.

I think you ate being overly harsh. She's gone through IVF, that would have been very very tough, and a twin pregnancy will be tough too. Nevermind all the voices she'll have in her head telling her something will go wrong.

YABU.

She's gone through IVF

Does that remove her empathy gene?

Good point Dragon.

Who knows, having children seems to have removed the empathy gene of most people on this thread!

aye I don't have children and I think the SIL in question sounds like a PITA.

Just because terrible things have happened to you doesn't give you the automatic right to behave like a diva

No but when you're a bit sensitive about things that relate to the terrible things that you have been through, you'd think your family could give you the benefit of the doubt.

treaclesoda that's funny you should say that I had my first two with complete midwifery led care, no consultant, no doctors at all. With my third I was under consultant care due to something that had been flagged up.

Sorry for the derail again OP, I have some sympathy with you. My sister was a little the same, three years down the line she's a bit scundered with herself.

She sounds like hard work, I can totally understand how emotional IVF and early pregnancy can be, but whilst your pregnancy might feel like the most precious thing in the universe to you, it really doesn't translate that way to the outside world, so going around saying such things out loud is always going to make you sound like a bit of a twat.

I can understand her feelings but she doesn't need to blab on and on about them, especially as though no one else has ever had a baby (or lost one - your poor cousin :( ) apart from her before.

I'd do the "smile and nod" thing as much as possible. Let her get on with it in her own way, and, since she's your sister and not some randomer, be there when she does actually ask for help. But don't offer any more for your own sanity.

aye I think I'd actually prefer it if my family told me I sounded like a twat

It does sound a bit tiresome but what can you do? I would try very hard to just grin and bear it if I were you, maybe keep visits short and sweet.
I wasn't very precious when I was pregnant with my first but maybe because I got pregnant very quickly and easily. I've no idea how hard it must be to have to go through IVF.
No point upsetting her, if she doesn't want your advice just stop giving it and then if she does want to know something she'll be forced to ask.

The cousin thing is unforgivable.
However, the 'precious babies' phrase is one used quite commonly by consultants and refers to babies conceived through IVF, stillbirth or after recurrent miscarriage, they are often induced early or delivered by c section.
You are usually asked if a pregnancy is the result of fertility treatment at your booking in appointment as it can lead to higher risk pregnancies, IUGR, weak cervix, placental issues etc etc.
I would imagine a twin pregnancy is very tough, I have seen several friends go through it and none have been totally smooth, one twin has been smaller, pre eclapsia, gestational diabetes, bleeding at the start have all been features and I imagine the extra weight is very uncomfortable at the end.
She has had a hard road to get here, cut her some slack, hopefully you will both be able to laugh about this one day.

My DD, love her as much as I do, thinks she is the only person who has ever been pregnant! Being her Mum and obviously looking forward to being a GM, I find it easier than most to tolerate, but my goodness, even I struggle at times!

She can't possibly come to see me on the bus because of nausea, she does little to no housework not my business as I don't do it, leaving it to her husband, who has been out at work all day!

I am not going to upset her though!

wigglesrock I am happy to be corrected I don't know anyone who has had midwife led care, everyone always talks about what consultant they see so I just thought that was the norm here. Maybe depends on the hospital or something?

Anyway, sorry again for the thread de-rail.