Familiarity breeds contempt.

[SofaHugger]

DH is a deputy head of a primary school. Kids love him, parents adore him etc etc. He's clearly good at his job and does loads and loads with every year group.

We have 2 DD's, 7 and 9. They're in a different school because of distance. He coaches them in maths and it is quite literally, hell.

I fucking hate it.

It inevitably ends up in tears with him shouting. He denies its shouting, but he doesn't appreciate what a fucking loud, shouty voice he has and especially so since he's sat next to the poor things.

One of his bugbears is that they don't answer quickly enough, so instead of giving them time to think, he repeats the sum. I've heard him repeat it louder and louder every 5 seconds or so and will ask about 7 times before DD explodes or dissolves into tears.

Did I say I fucking hate this? In the past I've 'interefered' yes DH, that's what you call it and I've copped his temper, doubly so since he says I undermine him. When I wait for the girls to be out of earshot, I'll say the same but he accuses me of saying it loud enough for the girls to hear, making me the good cop and m the bad cop.

I think his behaviour is so damaging and he doesn't see this at all. I ask him whether he treats his class kids like this but he ignores the question. He has started this treatment of 7 year old just lately and I'm feeling more and more lame and pathetic as a mother for not protecting them from this, I feel stuck. His defence is that he wants what's best for them and he doesn't want them slipping with numeracy. I argue that neither do I but his methods are tortuous and counter productive. His second defence is that I shout at them too and that I'm a hypocrite for telling him off and not supporting him. Yes, I do go off at them on occasion, about messy rooms, not listening, fighting and squabbling, risky behaviour etc. I cant put it into words but I don't feel it's the same.

I see their attitude to homework and school work changing so quickly. They hate it and things like spelling practice, handwriting practice etc etc isn't getting done on time and when it IS done, it's wrong and it's sloppy. They bloody hate it and I don't know what to do.

I've name changed for this because he knows my usual UN here and finding this thread would be the catalyst for him.

Im not even sure that any of this is in proper order and makes sense. It's all come out in a muddle. I have two unhappy girls in bed and I'm tense as hell.

I've posted here for the honesty, gloves off response. Not sure I can take it, but it can't be any worse than the atmosphere at home

Oh dear OP this is such a difficult situation.

I always wonder what people think happens when they say 'you have to put your foot down/ take charge of the situation / make him stop' etc... I suspect they've not had experience of someone who won't play by those rules, they can't imagine a situation where the other person ignores you, laughs at the idea at being told anything at all.

It's rubbish and I hope you can get into a better situation somehow for your girls and you.

I'm so sorry to read your update, what your H is doing now is horrific.

How dare he put that emotional burden on your DD? Suggesting he will actually leave if she tells him to go away again - shocking! - and you know what, that puts a spoke in your wheel as well if you were genuinely considering splitting up, because your DD is going to think it's her fault :(, especially if he turns into one of those wankers who doesn't see their DC regularly.

I do think recording him secretly would be a good idea - if he's still a decent person underneath, he should be shocked at how he's coming across to his DDs and observers - if he's not shocked and thinks it's ok, then he deserves to lose the right to do that to them.

He HAS to stop with his "tutoring". HAS to. In all honestly, do you think your DDs need maths tutoring? because if so, then please please go and find someone external to do it; but if they're perfectly able for their years, then leave them alone to get on with it.

As has been said, there is more to life than academic achievement, and one would like to think that he would prefer to maintain a relationship with his DDs than for them to get one grade higher in their primary school maths.
If not, then his priorities are badly askew. :(

OP you said your dad's bounce back, but eventually they won't. Do you think a teenager will sit there and let herself be bullied by her father? The fall out from thus will get worse as they get older. I don't want to be dramatic but I think you need to consider how your dad's will feel as adults... will they even like or wait to be around your DH. and if not, where would that leave you?

Also, flow, my dh is a teacher and I can't ever imagine him acting like this, to any child. It's not a normal reaction.

*fwiw not bloody flow!

You can't allow him to do this to your little girls.

Record him, to give him a chance to be normal, but my guess is that he'll roar at you for it and yell at you all.

He is damaging all of you. This is abusive to you all. He needs to stop this awful treatment of the children now, or he needs to go.

It is that simple.

What he said to your 9yo was just beyond manipulative. I'd leave him for that alone.

Hate him, by all means, he's worthy of your loathing, but please stand up for your children no matter what that causes. They only have you to protect them.

This was what I had to put up with as a kid. It was bullying. I was never good enough and it made me so depressed even when I was very young. I was self-harming by 11 because I needed to punish myself for causing the problems and arguments at home by being stupid and unworthy. It carried into my early teens and stopped but it had done enough damage for me to spend the next 8 years punishing myself and trying to commit suicide 3 times. The biggest thing that made me do these things was that I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH and that had been drummed into me for as long as I could remember, there's no getting rid of that once it's in a child's head.

We have only just started to fix our relationship now btw, but because I really, really wanted to and it is hard work to mend that bond. Your kids might not want to and I wouldn't blame them for cutting him out if he causes them the same pain my father caused me.

I am very certain it caused a lot of the problems I have today with MH problems and the concept of perfection which in very small ways make my life very, very hard and makes me quite an unlikeable person at times because I'm obsessed with getting things right.

I wonder if he is heading towards some sort of work-related breakdown. It sounds like he is coming home and spewing out all the frustration and stress of his day at your children. He does sound pretty much out of control of himself.
I think he needs to stop with the tutoring, it simply isn't necessary at your DCs ages. He needs to seek some external support, his union may be able to help with that. You could also do with some RL support. Something needs to change, things can't continue as they are. Either he changes or he leaves IMO.

DH used to be a headteacher and was impatient with our own DCs over homework. Partly because he was tired after a long day and partly because it is much easier to be detached and professional when dealing with other people's kids.

He is now retired but a similar pattern has emerged with DS2, his XP and their DGCs. Homework time is fraught in whichever parent's house it is being done so the kids come to our house where DH has becomes the soul of patience. Overseeing the work is no longer a "busman's holiday" for him, he is not tired and DGS is not stroppy with him as he can be with his DM.

I was lucky, it was my prep school teacher who did that to me, and home was 'safe'. Your girls will be getting that awful feeling of dread at the idea of going home. School will be safe.

You are going to have to be brave and tell him. Tell him outright.

You are a bully. You are bullying the girls and when you shut me down you are bullying me. I am starting to dislike you and not want to be with you. You have to stop now, or our marriage will not last.

Can you send the girls to stay with someone overnight, or perhaps arrange a baby sitter and go out, somewhere very public where he will have to behave?

Sounds like my DF when I was a kid. Managed a bunch of youth centres. All the kids in school loved him. He had affectionate nicknames for some of them, and they treated him like a cool father figure.

At home he was a tyrant with anger management issues who didn't show any respect for his own kids.

My parents were both teachers, my mother 'tutored' me for the 11+, which constituted doing 2 practice papers a day EVERY day for 2 years. She also hit me and screamed if I got lower than a particular score. I will never forget and never forgive. Shame on her for doing this to me and depriving me of a loving home and shame in your husband too.

It's absolutely awful to be terrified of coming home. And it has dictated my relationship with my parents since (20 years now...!)

OP, perhaps you should move this thread to relationships. AIBU really doesn't apply in this case and your marriage is in crisis.

Oh no. I was really hoping you were coming back with a positive update. Would you consider marriage counselling?

I think Tricky has it spot on there.

Tiredness, tension, being overinvested with own children.

When I look back on my Dad I can see much of that. I was extremely lucky that my Mum was my buffer zone. He would have meant well, but I was very aware of how narrowly I avoided being one of those children. By the skin of my teeth.

My Dad is a lovely man. After retirement he became a very different person. Much more relaxed, happier and his physical health improved vastly.

It is a very stressful job.

It sounds a really bad situation.

He is being a horrible bully to the people who shoud be able to trust in hime 100% and feel that he will always protect them.

I would try and have another calm conversation with him about it, out of the house, like in a restaurant, without the kids.

Talk to him and try and find out it if there are other factors at play (i.e. heading towards breakdown with work stress) rather than him just being a total bastard. Be clear that he is damaging his relationship with his children , potentially damaging them, and you won't stand aside whilst he does this.

I think it would be a good idea to record him, so he can see what it looks like to an outside party.

Would he go to couple/family counselling?

If things don't improve, you have to protect your children above all else. This is not a healthy home environment for your children (or you) by the sounds of things.

I would seriously contact the domestic abuse unit at your police force and say you want help with intimidating, emotional abuse. If you don't reach out for outside help for your dds as he clearly is not listening to you, who will?

And have you recorded him yet? evidence helps.

Could you get their homework done before he comes home? Or arrange week about so they get a break? Hide the books and tell him your going to make cookies with the children, so there's no time for any tutoring?

I know the real problem is the way he behaves. It needs addressing. Personally, I'd speak to him, show him what he does (video if necessary) and then make him believe that every time he does this, he'll have you to deal with later and you are happy to argue through match of the day, if necessary! No one wants a fight every day, so its his choice.

That must be awful for you and your DC. My EX was pretty much the same with our kids over homework. It had to be done his way or it was wrong! Very damaging :(

I hope you can manage to find a way to end this. They need a Daddy, not a bully.

I had this with my mother and you are right it is entirely counterproductive. I also lost respect for my mother and never quite trusted her again.

I had lots of points to make but then I read alanabloom's post which says it all so perfectly.

I don't know how you resolve this, he sounds so entrenched. It doesn't sound like he would listen to your daughter's or respect their feelings if they tried to tell him how unpleasant this was for them. He will have no idea how powerless and insecure they are feeling and how hard they will have to work to get past that.

Having read your updates I'm going to say again that you should record him.

Then use it as evidence with the police dv unit and then in court to stop him having unsupervised contact.

I think you need to plan to either leave or throw him out.

And I rarely say ltb but in this case I think it's valid.

What is your financial situation? Would you be able to leave him and support yourself and your children? I agree with MiscellaneousAssortment about how hard it will be to get him to listen to you, and you will find all the adoring parents will provide character references should it come out into the open.

Your situation reminds me of a TV play I saw years ago about a Headmaster, perfect in every way, played totally believably by Kevin Whately; he beat up his wife, who covered for him because he would lose his job if the truth came out. While in hospital a canny policewoman who realised what was happening gave her some sensible advice: if you can't leave him now start preparing for the future: gather evidence of his behaviour; save, acquire qualifications or experience towards a job and have a running away plan.

Your husband sounds very stressed but that is not sufficient excuse for his behaviour, which will get worse. The threat to leave your daughter indicates something more serious. You could try talking to him in the holidays when there is less pressure and he is less tired and your daughters are not about; have factual evidence from their school about their abilities and capabilities. But I think you have to plan to leave him.

As for tutoring them when you are not there if you separated, there has to be a time limit, and the children would be able to voice their opinions about contact time.

Goblin I remember that show, trip trap?

Stella ?

I hope you are all okay.

I think that you know that the way your H is treating your girls is not okay, and now you need to decide what to do about it. Personally, from reading your posts, I think you should leave him, but that decision is up to you.

What an awful situation for you, I am so sorry you are going through this.

I really can't think of a quick solution that would help.

I can be a complete cow and if I were you I would have probably told him that if he didn't stop "tutoring" them completely we were over - perhaps it is an approach worth trying because it is destroying each and every one of you.

I suspect he "needs" them to be extraordinary for his ego or something, to do with his job.