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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Familiarity breeds contempt.

130 replies

SofaHugger · 18/10/2015 22:15

DH is a deputy head of a primary school. Kids love him, parents adore him etc etc. He's clearly good at his job and does loads and loads with every year group.

We have 2 DD's, 7 and 9. They're in a different school because of distance. He coaches them in maths and it is quite literally, hell.

I fucking hate it.

It inevitably ends up in tears with him shouting. He denies its shouting, but he doesn't appreciate what a fucking loud, shouty voice he has and especially so since he's sat next to the poor things.

One of his bugbears is that they don't answer quickly enough, so instead of giving them time to think, he repeats the sum. I've heard him repeat it louder and louder every 5 seconds or so and will ask about 7 times before DD explodes or dissolves into tears.

Did I say I fucking hate this? In the past I've 'interefered' yes DH, that's what you call it and I've copped his temper, doubly so since he says I undermine him. When I wait for the girls to be out of earshot, I'll say the same but he accuses me of saying it loud enough for the girls to hear, making me the good cop and m the bad cop.

I think his behaviour is so damaging and he doesn't see this at all. I ask him whether he treats his class kids like this but he ignores the question. He has started this treatment of 7 year old just lately and I'm feeling more and more lame and pathetic as a mother for not protecting them from this, I feel stuck. His defence is that he wants what's best for them and he doesn't want them slipping with numeracy. I argue that neither do I but his methods are tortuous and counter productive. His second defence is that I shout at them too and that I'm a hypocrite for telling him off and not supporting him. Yes, I do go off at them on occasion, about messy rooms, not listening, fighting and squabbling, risky behaviour etc. I cant put it into words but I don't feel it's the same.

I see their attitude to homework and school work changing so quickly. They hate it and things like spelling practice, handwriting practice etc etc isn't getting done on time and when it IS done, it's wrong and it's sloppy. They bloody hate it and I don't know what to do.

I've name changed for this because he knows my usual UN here and finding this thread would be the catalyst for him.

Im not even sure that any of this is in proper order and makes sense. It's all come out in a muddle. I have two unhappy girls in bed and I'm tense as hell.

I've posted here for the honesty, gloves off response. Not sure I can take it, but it can't be any worse than the atmosphere at home Sad

OP posts:
CarlaJones · 18/10/2015 23:39

Is there any way you could take over the homework supervision? Is he tutoring them for a selective school? If so could you employ a tutor instead?

SurlyCue · 18/10/2015 23:40

I've physically intervened at one point when they are sobbing and exhausted, and ordered them upstairs to bed, change, etc and he follows them upstairs with their books and makes them go through it again

Angry

Seriously! DO NOT LET HIM "TUTOR" THEM! No child should be in tears over their school work. He is doing serious damage to their relationship with him and their relationship to learning!

I am so angry for them that this has been allowed to continue. Step the fuck for them.

ToadsforJustice · 18/10/2015 23:42

Why are you with him? He sounds like a overbearing twat and a bully. LTB.

var123 · 18/10/2015 23:42

I can imagine why you name changed.. is it because it would result in a big argument if he found the thread?

Is his view is that you are both parents to these children, you both love them, you both care about their future and about their education, its to be expected that you will have different approaches to certain things, there are things you do that he disagrees with too but when it comes to education he is the acknowledged expert? Moreover how dare you presume to suggest that he is harming his children and you should not interfere in his relationship with his children?

(I am only guessing but I have just had a very similar argument with DH so its an educated guess. I don't have any answers either, except to offer to video him and play it back asking him with his professional hat on, how he'd counsel a NQT in his charge who spoke to the class like that?)

TheFormidableMrsC · 18/10/2015 23:45

His is confusing parenting with teaching. He can't do both. He can't separate his job from his role as a supportive parent. If it were me, I would knock the "tutoring" on its' head. Unless I have missed something, I presume he doesn't teach at the same school as DC's? Surely if there is a concern, their school would be better placed to help them. Otherwise, you, OP, need to take over the homework stuff and DH must back off. This won't get any easier will it? Absolute full stop right now.

redexpat · 18/10/2015 23:46

Yes parents need to be on the same page and back each other up. But your children's needs come before his ego. Woman up. Take charge of the situation. Lots of good suggestions above.

Bakeoffcake · 18/10/2015 23:48

Fgs this is really serious. He shouts at them, follows them upstairs even though they are sobbing, tells you to stop "interfering" when you are only trying to protect them.

Nothing would stop me from "interfering" if someone was bullying my DC like this.Angry I would be having a very serious chat- he does have choices, he stops bullying them or he stops tutoring them or he leaves

Does he behave like this in other areas of your life?

CarlaJones · 18/10/2015 23:50

offer to video him and play it back asking him with his professional hat on, how he'd counsel a NQT in his charge who spoke to the class like that?

That's a good idea

Fatmomma99 · 18/10/2015 23:54

If you keep doing what you always do, you'll keep getting what you've always got....

You need to get off this roundabout (there are loads of good suggestions here) and change the dynamic.

Good luck!

Garrick · 18/10/2015 23:56

He sounds like a dreadful bully. Do you realise you have shown that you are afraid of his bullying? If he can evoke such timidity in you, his equal and partner, it must be hundreds of times worse for the children.

I think you have to face your fear and stand your ground. Let him pursue his quest for domination to its full absurdity, however far that goes. Your children's mental health and educational futures are at stake.

I agree with the suggestion of filming him, but save it for after he's left you all / smashed up the house / whatever ridiculousness and calmed down a bit. Don't pussyfoot around with "I don't think you quite realise, dear ..." You've tried that and it isn't working.

I very much doubt his students love him. I'd gamble on his having favourites and scapegoats. He'll be leaving some of those scapegoats with a lifelong sense of failure. Coincidentally, I've just been on a thread elsewhere with a woman who was at my school, who's had years of therapy thanks to a bullying maths teacher.

Garrick · 18/10/2015 23:57

I'd also recommend telling your children Daddy is wrong and they don't have to put up with being bullied. Compliance to that shit is a terrible life lesson.

coffeeisnectar · 18/10/2015 23:59

This is awful. Poor kids are going to rebel against him massively if he doesn't back off.

I agree with recording him. And then if that doesn't work and he won't let this drop I'd consider your future.

I'd also love to know why you've had to nc

Florriesma · 19/10/2015 00:03

Truthfully? I would give him both barrels regardless of whether it's in front of dds or not.
God help him if he chased upstairs after them!
Constructively recording him is a very good idea. Then wait until the girls are out or playing and have a calm conversation about it. He needs to back the fuck off. He is single handedly ruining his girls academic confidence and self esteem. What makes it worse is that by yhe sounds of it he has nothing to worry about. (Yet)

Busyworkingmum71 · 19/10/2015 00:08

You can't teach you're own kids. Fact. I ride horses, so does my dh, rather well as it happens. We have both tried and failed to teach any of our 4dc to ride. They'll listen and learn from an instructor but not to us. Galling having to pay someone else to teach something you are not only capable, but also qualified, to teach.

You have to make him see that his relationship with them is so very far from the relationship with his pupils. He is their dad. Home learning should be embodied within other activities. Sure they have structured homework, but as a pp said do cooking, or measuring for a project that doesn't feel like learning. Build in angles, multiplication, division etc but don't force it.

YANBU - you do need to address this, perhaps some kind of mediation would help to keep the discussion calm and reasonable? Not much help, but you're right to be concerned. Hope you both figure it out x

SalemSaberhagen · 19/10/2015 00:10

How is he in other areas, away from the homework OP? As a partner and a father?

Him being popular at work means nothing. I think a lot of us here have had experience with men who are one way in the public eye, but very different behind closed doors.

miaowroar · 19/10/2015 00:17

My father (an accountant) one of the most mild-mannered and kind men in the world, managed to turn me completely off arithmetic and maths in general by helping me at home with what is now called numeracy. He used to repeat questions and berate me about how long I took to answer - usually saying "I should cocoa" Confused when I finally did come up with the right answer.

I am 60 now and a teacher myself but this fear of numbers has stayed with me all my life - and my father doesn't sound anyway near as bad as your DH is.

Seriously he needs to be stopped. You need to stop him.

Iwasworried · 19/10/2015 00:19

He sounds like a nasty shit.

Canyouforgiveher · 19/10/2015 00:20

He should not be tutoring his own children. And what he is doing isn't tutoring - it is hectoring.

Record him. Then sit and talk to him at a time when you are not angry about a "tutoring" session. Explain to him that his tutoring isn't working and it is at the expense of his relationship with his children (who are way too young for tutoring anyway).

If he will not listen to you, play the recording.

By the way leaving him won't do anything for the children. It will just mean he has free rein to "tutor" exactly as he wishes during his access time without any interference from the OP.

var123 · 19/10/2015 00:34

Well, whatever you do, don't do what I just did. I've just had round 2 with DH about our version of this. He's gone off to bed very angry with me, muttering for me to hear about how I want to have control of how he is with his children.

Aquarius320 · 19/10/2015 00:39

If you had left out the bit about him being a teacher...

What a fucking bully he is. Sounds like he has something to prove - ie. Presenting his dc as having good grades. What a prick.

Teaching is a extremely stressful profession. Maybe for the good of your family he needs time out.

Baconyum · 19/10/2015 00:49

I'm also sceptical he's a 'good' teacher he sounds like an insufferable bully!

Frankly I'd be tempted to record him but threaten to show it at his school/to the lea/Ofsted!!

Very interested to know why OP NC what she fears he'd do if he saw this thread? Because if she's not afraid of him surely the thread could actually be useful in showing its not just OP that thinks this is counter productive!

Sounds like he also controls/bullies the OP. Why is he looking at your MN posts?!

zen1 · 19/10/2015 00:50

I had a childhood like this (DF a headteacher). Please stop him. Although it didn't get really bad till secondary school, it made me miserable and scared of getting anything wrong. I felt nothing was ever good enough and that the only thing important in life was achieving well academically. I had to spend hours in my room working and eventually it proved detrimental as I was unable to motivate myself to do anything. Once he didn't speak to me for 2 days because I 'only' got 68% in an exam. I wish my mum had intervened.

EternalDalmatian · 19/10/2015 01:07

If this alone is the 'only' thing he does wrong, I don't think that necessarily makes him the biggest bastard ever tbh.

It's a basic lack of patience and control, and I suffer with it (the patience bit anyway, I do have the control) myself.

I am a very laid back person. Really. I'm chilled out, i'm supportive of my dc, i'm not a pushy parent. I will happily watch them trying to tie a shoelace or climb a tree or build a tower of blocks, patiently, for as long as it takes. I do sometimes have a tendency to control issues but think I have them pretty well managed.

I have a problem at times with schoolwork though. They're clever kids, both pretty much at the top of their class. But when we're sitting at a table, doing actual academic work, I can feel the frustration building and building in me until I want to scream. They don't go fast enough. They make silly mistakes. Their attention wanders. It winds me the fuck up, within minutes.

They're 5 and 7. I'm aware of how irrational it sounds. I don't know why I have so little patience with it. I know it's me with the problem, and I control it, and I grit my teeth and i'm pretty sure that I hide my frustration well. They're both still happy to sit at a table and do work with me anyway.

He clearly doesn't control it well though. I second what a pp said about recording his next tutoring session and playing it to him. He needs to take a step back and admit, teacher though he may be, he's not cut out to teach his own dc.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 19/10/2015 01:29

He sounds like my FIL (ex headmaster) and how he 'taught' DH and SIL. I have 2 DD's under 2 and he already tries to 'test' my elder one (23 months!).
What are you scared of if he reads the thread? Catalyst for what? Is he a bully in any other aspect of life?

Mermaidhair · 19/10/2015 01:38

These are your children to. Can you tell him no more tutoring? Or tell him he needs to change how he does it, do not allow him to bully your poor dc like that. You need to stand up to him for their sakes. Do you feel you can do this or will it make no difference? Only other thing I can think of is to contact someone you know who is a teacher to have a chat to him about how damaging his behaviour is.