Familiarity breeds contempt.

[SofaHugger]

DH is a deputy head of a primary school. Kids love him, parents adore him etc etc. He's clearly good at his job and does loads and loads with every year group.

We have 2 DD's, 7 and 9. They're in a different school because of distance. He coaches them in maths and it is quite literally, hell.

I fucking hate it.

It inevitably ends up in tears with him shouting. He denies its shouting, but he doesn't appreciate what a fucking loud, shouty voice he has and especially so since he's sat next to the poor things.

One of his bugbears is that they don't answer quickly enough, so instead of giving them time to think, he repeats the sum. I've heard him repeat it louder and louder every 5 seconds or so and will ask about 7 times before DD explodes or dissolves into tears.

Did I say I fucking hate this? In the past I've 'interefered' yes DH, that's what you call it and I've copped his temper, doubly so since he says I undermine him. When I wait for the girls to be out of earshot, I'll say the same but he accuses me of saying it loud enough for the girls to hear, making me the good cop and m the bad cop.

I think his behaviour is so damaging and he doesn't see this at all. I ask him whether he treats his class kids like this but he ignores the question. He has started this treatment of 7 year old just lately and I'm feeling more and more lame and pathetic as a mother for not protecting them from this, I feel stuck. His defence is that he wants what's best for them and he doesn't want them slipping with numeracy. I argue that neither do I but his methods are tortuous and counter productive. His second defence is that I shout at them too and that I'm a hypocrite for telling him off and not supporting him. Yes, I do go off at them on occasion, about messy rooms, not listening, fighting and squabbling, risky behaviour etc. I cant put it into words but I don't feel it's the same.

I see their attitude to homework and school work changing so quickly. They hate it and things like spelling practice, handwriting practice etc etc isn't getting done on time and when it IS done, it's wrong and it's sloppy. They bloody hate it and I don't know what to do.

I've name changed for this because he knows my usual UN here and finding this thread would be the catalyst for him.

Im not even sure that any of this is in proper order and makes sense. It's all come out in a muddle. I have two unhappy girls in bed and I'm tense as hell.

I've posted here for the honesty, gloves off response. Not sure I can take it, but it can't be any worse than the atmosphere at home

He's a tyrant.

I'm very sorry you are going through this, and feel acutely for your children.

He won't stop because you ask him. He won't stop because his children ask him.

I don't like him very much either. His primary motivation seems to be making his family fear him!

"He said he will go". What an utter twat. It's a pity nine-year-olds aren't emotionally equipped to reply "When? I'll help you pack!"

Getting the girls to a therapist could be a good start for you.

Xpost, ouryve. Yes.

He is so determined that they should 'do well' in school, he is totally blinded to the reality of what he is doing. He often comes home saying how 'exceptional' some pupils are in his school ("little Amy is only 4 and is already writing essays") and I rarely hear him say anything like that about our 2 .

This evening, he came in and the first thing he said to my DD(2) was "Do you have homework?" and "we are going to have to work on your handwriting". I could scream.

He accuses me of not doing anything with them and I have to stop myself from screaming at him. I do everything for my girls, including every single morning for school - all preparation, lunches, kit bags, everything, while he has his extra 1 hr in bed or goes to the gym. I mostly nag about homework (am of the firm believer that failure to do it should result in my DD's getting a scolding for it by their own teachers) and I check that weekly spelling is done. I make sure they practice their instruments and I do all homework projects that involve art and craft. I dont check their work with a fine tooth comb because again, I believe that errors point to the need to do more work in class, but DH will make them do it again and again until it's perfect and there is always tears and shouting.

I don't do more homework with them because if I started, they'd get no bloody break at all.

I'm tired of all this, so much so I'm aware that I'm rambling. I am waiting for him to fall asleep upstairs because I cannot bear the thought of having to talk to him. It's one thing that he's remorseful, but entirely something else when he thinks he's in the right.

I'm not sure if I can do this anymore.

Like some others I'm having flashbacks to being back at school & bullying from my dad. Pushing your dd's like this isn't fair or constructive. I agree you need to put a stop to it. It was also horrible that dm didn't intervene.

When other posts were advising to record, I thought that was a bit harsh as I personally would see that as quite full on. However from your last post it seems he has lost the plot!
My dh's father was a music tutor and tried to teach his 2 boys. I don't know the details but they wouldn't listen and tutoring ended at an early age. I ssuspect mil or fil just realised it wasn't working as they kept messing about.
My dh taught himself to play guitar in late teens and once we had DD I asked him to tutor her. He repeatedly said no as parents can't tutor their own and I found this v frustrating. His reasoning was she was more interested in messing about with him. My argument was that if you have a skill you should share it. Nobody particularly wants to learn to read but you do because you are taught. Just get on with it! She hasn't learned to play anything despite me sending her to private tutor for a short time.
Do you think possibly your children are not particularly geared towards maths?
I know an 18 year old who has not done well in her a2 exams an d her dad is fuming but she has tried really hard
BTW, I think he probably is tired after a long half term but does actually need to be recorded, or threatened with recording would be better

It's not inevitable that he does this as a teacher - DH and I both teach and I enjoy teaching my DC - but we do stuff like count how many buns are in a packet and work out how many will be left once we've all had one (had a guy at the supermarket say approvingly "that's how to teach sums!" once.). Ds likes me to say three digits and he has to say what number it is, etc. but no pressure. In fact I rarely even listen to his reading books until the last minute as I like just to see what he can read naturally. So it's not just because he's a teacher as you can be a teacher and try and bring your kids on without pushiness.

What you're describing, Brian, is teaching. Mr SofaHugger may be drilling, training, browbeating and intimidating his children but he's not teaching.

Think I would be v upset if recorded without warning so you should tell him if you intend to do that. Meanwhile half term is approaching and you should use this time to explain firmly, but without offending, your concerns.
Do not forget that in your family situation you are equal, it is irrelevant that he is a deputy head. You are the head of your children's wellbeing within the home so he needs to listen and step the f down. You gave birth to them, they are yours. Good luck sweetie, my advice is save it til half term then state it loud and clear

He's bullying your children, and he should know that no-one learns well when they are upset - especially when it's their own dad making them upset.

It has to stop now.

If he keeps shutting you down when you're just trying to talk about it, well that's a big red flag along with bullying.

What is he like otherwise?

He does sound like he's bullying them horribly - and trying very hard to bully you too. You hid something from him. You're scared of him and how he will react. You changed your username so he can't find this or it would be a 'catalyst'.

He sounds quite abusive of his family tbh and I"m just wondering if you feel like because he's this hot shot deputy who everybody loves then it must be you in the wrong? You're not in the wrong. He's making them hate learning and eventually he'll make them hate him too.

I meant to add - you need to protect them. They don't have anyone else. That doesn't mean leaving (yet) it means standing up to him and saying no, absolutely not, no tutoring, you are a bully. You also need to address him head on about what he said to your daughter about leaving.

Problem with him knowing he's being recorded is his behaviour will change. He sounds a nasty piece of work to me and I agree with pp that he's abusing OP too.

Where is the idea he's 'great and beloved' come from? Him? People not wanting to offend by telling his wife the truth!

I banned my maths whizz dh from teaching ours. He was horrid with them. I got a private tutor. Result.

Please ban your dh immediately.

Crikey. When I read the OP, my first reaction was to feel I could see it from both sides. There is a certain place for the drilling of 'maths facts', and of course children don't enjoy it, but that doesn't mean it isn't beneficial in the long run.

But then you said:
finding this thread would be the catalyst for him
and I thought, hmmm, that doesn't sound good, catalyst for what - you sound scared.

Your update is shocking. What kind of person uses subtle hints of abandonment to coerce their small child into accommodating their bloated ego?

The coaching has to stop. What happens next depends on how he reacts to your insistence on that. If you are scared of him, is there someone whose support you can enlist for that conversation?

I am not often so B&W and doomy on a MN thread.

God, he sounds hideous. Would hate to have a teacher like that teaching my dc - but that he's the dc's father and behaving like that is just horrible.

What can you do. Op? Can you tape him and show him how ugly and damaging he is?

Record him without his consent. Show him hat a bullying twat he is. Don't let him tutor the kids send him out to cut the grass with a pair of nail scissors instead. If he bullies you say one more word from you (insert your own word here You don't want to know mine) and this recording will be going to your board of governors, ofsted, the kids school, anywhere else you might embarrass him with it. You need to defend those kids. If he says he will leave again tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there to fuck off some more.

Flashbacks here too, though I have to say that OP's DH is in a league all of his own with the hectoring "tutoring" of the children.

My Dad (a retired primary school headmaster) would have had some tendency towards this sort of behaviour but was, I firmly believe, held in check a lot by my Mum (herself a teacher). He didn't teach school classes that way at all, but if it came to having teach his own children something he would just become overinvested and tensions would build.

I think recording your DH and playing it back to him is worth a shot. If he has any decency he might be horrified at how he is coming across. Get a cheap webcam or something, one you can set up and hide somewhere.

On the question of whether or not teachers can teach their own children, some can and some cannot. I really think a lot of it depends on the personalities concerned.

My Dad and I tended to clash as we are both far too similar and stubborn. He is a lovely man, but thank god he did largely hold back from any tutoring of me. I think even he recognised it would be counterproductive.

My Mum is the total opposite. She could have taught me much more easily.

It's a pity you can't show him this thread as no one is backing his way. Even people who started thinking there's two sides to the story think he's in the wrong.
I was so angry on your and you dc's behalf in my earlier post, I've calmed down now but you just stick to your guns he will ruin his relationship with the children if he's not careful plus if your dc tell their teacher about how their dad shouts and threatens to leave you would have problems. It only takes them to say to the TA you won't shout at me or threaten to leave like daddy does, will you. Or start to cry when they can't answer a maths question in class.
Maybe mention that to the bully as him if he'd like dc's HT calling his boss to discuss his teaching methods.

WRT his claim that you don't do anything with them, after half term how about keeping a log of what you do for/with them and what he does? While you're at it you could do one for contribution to household work (from what you've described I'll be amazed if he does a decent share) and free time (I'll be amazed if you get a decent share).

Was his own childhood very competitive (doesn't excuse a many of this but might explain some of this toxic behaviour )?

This so upsetting.

Your DDs don't deserve this treatment by him and he doesn't deserve them.

I'm so angry for them (and you) .

This is so despicable and I can't tell you how damaging this will be to your children's education. He wants them to do well? Fuck that. I legitimately used to have flashbacks to a time where my horrible Yr 6 teacher invited me up to the board to do a question she knew I couldn't do because I was horrendous at maths, and I cried in front of all the class. I go to Cambridge now, though I needed a tutor to get me through my maths GCSE.

I'm not bragging. What I'm saying is that I feel a bit teary looking at your post, for two reasons:

1. I feel sorry for your DDs to have to endure such behaviour. I know how damaging being humiliated by my teacher was when I was little, and that was at school, not at home! I basically was put in a mindset of 'can't EVER EVER do it.' I think that your DH's behaviour will be incredibly damaging to them and their future education,

and

1. I also find his intense focus on achievement at a primary-school level very worrying. I think it's all about a horrifying amount of ego on his part - it's clearly not for his daughters at all, but for himself.

Frankly I know people from my primary school who did much better than me in their SATs then and just never did any more work. I got what your husband probably thinks of as the best thing that could happen to his daughters (though I am frequently miserable and wonder why I bothered from time to time), and yet I was never pushed when I was younger. It was only because I started to really work when I was 13+, gradually increasing time, that I got it.

To get better in ANYTHING you need confidence.

My mum always worked me quite hard, she was somewhat tough. She used to drill me on my quotes for English and facts for History every night - not till I was doing my GCSEs, though! What was lovely about her was that she did soooo much work to build up my confidence. If I was having a bad day, or couldn't remember something, I would start to get upset and she would tell me I was doing really well and we'd go over just a tiny titbit till I got the hang of it.

Sorry. I hope this didn't read too much like a motivational speech. To counterbalance it, though, I see the effects of parenting like your DH's all over the place now. Many of my friends (me included) have been taught to measure their worth solely by academic prowess and it's backfired badly. I can't tell you the number of high-achievers I know who've just cracked up because they can't work any harder/they burnt out/underperformed and so concluded they are worthless and life has no meaning. So even when it 'works,' it doesn't work, if you see what I'm saying. You need to do something, OP.

Holy shit he sounds vile

Fwiw I did not have a good relationship with my dad growing up. I've probably only got 7 or 8 really good memories of him whilst I lived at home, and I moved out at 23, so quite late. He was always shouty, bullying, temperamental, scary. It took a long time to establish any sort of "normal" relationship with him.

You have to do something - anything - to prevent your dds from going through this. Whether that's separating, showing him this thread, physically stopping them from spending time with him, reporting him for safeguarding concerns - anything. Because the safety and mental and emotional wellbeing of your dds is too important to risk. Please, trust me on this. I've been there.

alana speaks the truth when it comes to high achievers. He needs to bear that in mind.

I was going to say that I don't think LTB is necessary if it wasn't for your updates. You sound scared and that's not OK. Nobody should be scared of their spouse, and I don't think anyone should be scared of their parent when they haven't done anything wrong. Call his bluff and pack his bags.

The image of your daughter whispering questions to you is incredibly upsetting.

What must their young minds be absorbing? That dads can bully and threaten, that mums have no say. That men have the power and women have none. This goes way beyond education.

How can you sleep next to him? I don't believe I could.