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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents piling pressure on

53 replies

pandarific · 17/10/2015 17:42

I'm knackered and am dreading a family occasion this evening as my mum has been pressuring me and now has my dad in on the act.

My situ is that I live in the UK my parents in Ireland. I am 31, been away for 6 years and am in a LTR (4 years) with an english man who I live with in a flat we are renovating, and I work full time in a demanding job. My mum has always hated me living away as she misses me badly - I miss her too of course and my extended family, but I visit about 4/5 times a year, which is IMO lots.

I had a phone conversation with her a few weeks ago and was just talking about the future and kids and things and her reaction involved the words 'no' and 'I'm not losing you' and 'you're choosing a very hard life for yourself with no family around you' (uh, my OHs lovely family are 15 mins away and are mad about me!) and ended with a 'we'll talk about this when we see you'.

An honestly I am just knackered. I flew at her request straight from work yesterday eve to celebrate a significant birthday of a family member who I'm very fond of, and had had an exhausting week at work with my partner away all week, and a very heavy but important team-bonding evening that I couldn't really get out of, and I am still shattered and am in absolutely no mood to be guilted and poked at and spoken to as if my life decisions are the whim of a silly child. I've already had my dad going all night in a jokey way 'you WILL come home', 'no, you WILL' and talking over me.

And they're of the opinion it's OHs fault I don't want to move back, but actually it's my decision! And another thing, I'm pissed off with being expected to shell out 100+ every two months to come and see my mum, when she's done the journey the other way maybe once a year since I've been over! She's not 60 yet, works full time too herself so it's not that she's incapable.

I moaned to my friend about this who was pissed off on my behalf and thinks I am definitely not BU and essentially think I need to tell them that they need to support my decisions and not try to manipulate me with guilt into doing what they want, but it's shite still because I know they are doing it because they me miss me.

And so this party starts in an hour and if I know the mother she's got them all primed - I just don't have the energy. help me vipers!

OP posts:

FluffyNinja · 17/10/2015 17:50

Ah, the good old Irish mammy. Sorry OP, she'll keep the pressure up until you return to the fold.

Original poster

pandarific · 17/10/2015 17:54

Fluffy she is driving me batshit!! I don't want to have a row. I can't handle a row!

OP posts:

YouMakeMyDreams · 17/10/2015 17:56

I seen this on here once.
'are you worried you didn't do a good job of raising me and so can't trust me to be an independent adult?'
I saved that as a retort for my mother and am just waiting for the right time to use it. Although she has improved somewhat since I met Dh she clearly trusts my il's parenting more than her own

eurochick · 17/10/2015 18:02

I think guilt is some sort of national sport for Irish mammies (my husband's Irish, living in England). I see what it does to him.

Scremersford · 17/10/2015 18:05

Don't your parents want you to be independent and have a life of your own? That's pretty shocking if they don't. Well done on escaping. I think you can only ignore them and laugh off the nonsense, they're not going to change.

Chottie · 17/10/2015 18:06

Panda - huge sympathies, I can assure you that it not just Irish mammies....

Don't have a row, just refuse to engage, keep smiling and repeating what YouMake suggests

Katarzyna79 · 17/10/2015 18:11

Irish parents sound like Asian ones, and mum and dad will always want you where they are rather than near the in laws. When I moved to Scotland my parents also thought my husband was forcing to move, but I liked the idea of change.

I sympathise but I think Ill side with your mother lol. I miss my mother she's passed away, most of my good memories are of us sitting around the table at yet another weekend lunch invite so many dishes you'd think she cooked for 50 not 20 people.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 17/10/2015 18:12

Wine,there's always wine.
A friend of mine gets it from her Irish Pa. Her having a very successful life, a new house, partner. All just blips till she sees sense and comes home.

blueteapot · 17/10/2015 18:15

I came home (with my equally Irish hubby which I met living in England in tow, helps we're from the same town!), but plenty of my friends have married and settled in England. Different strokes for different folks. I'd hate to think my two would ever feel I'd held them back (or tried to!). Similarly I'd hate them to leave but I'd just have to get over it!

FreeButtonBee · 17/10/2015 18:16

Have you been offerd a field yet? To build a house in the middle of nowhere at the end of their lane That's my dad's trump card!

I find having confidence in my own decisions is the best retort. Smile and avoid the questions. Ask about a cousin in Australia (bound to be at least 10 1)

And wine!

blueteapot · 17/10/2015 18:19

Clearly this is not gonna help but what I would do if I were you is have a little fun with the situation by subtly 'not drinking' - only thing worse to an Irish mammy than her daughter living away would be the grandchildren living away!

ilovesooty · 17/10/2015 18:25

I think they're being controlling and disrespectful but tonight isn't the time for a row. I don't see that it's fair that you keep travelling over when your mother makes little effort.

coffeeisnectar · 17/10/2015 18:25

Mention a job you've seen in New York. Keep mentioning it. England will seem like the next village over.

MintyLizzy9 · 17/10/2015 18:31

It's an age old issue! My Irish parents live in UK, at 18 I decided I'd be moving to Ireland and all holy hell kicked off, tears, snot, guilt (all from mam) and the immortal line stage whispered through tears....sure if you leave, you'll leave me with him....just HIM, I don't want to just talk to him (dad), in full ear shot of him. Wouldn't mind but they are bloody inseparable and get on!

Anyway her plan worked and I stayed...I've the last laugh tho, late 30's and no sign of a husband

Get in the wine and just nod and say fair point, it's how I get through Christmas....and Easter....oh and when my younger cousins get married....oh or if any of them have a baby

RoisinIwanttofightyourfather · 17/10/2015 18:36

That is very cunning Coffee!

I told my Mammy that coming home was definitely in my long term plans, but omitted to mention long term meant retirement. This took the pressure off a bit.

Hoppinggreen · 17/10/2015 18:42

I know this isn't helpful but is anyone else imagining OP's father using a Mrs Doyle voice
" ah, will you not come home? Will you not? Go on, will you not come home"

Babbafish · 17/10/2015 18:50

I'm from Liverpool and live in Suffolk 3hr 30min drive on a good day ... Moved here after Uni been with hubby for 2 years at uni. Wanted to live away from Liverpool.
Mum never forgave me .... She asked when we having kids and I said not until we are married. She offered to pay for our wedding.... In either Liverpool or abroad... Not in Suffolk!!! We got married in the Dominican Repubic !!!! DH got married in March 2007 and DS came August 2007 ... Yep had no idea I was pregnant .... Next DS in 2009 and DD in 2011.
Drive mum mad ... Constantly telling us to move closer ... We'd get more help blah blah blah...
We live in a bungalow in a rural area... Quiet, beautiful ... Kids love roaming the fields etc.... Perfect .....
The right decision for us!!!!
We lost my mum last year aged 68.... Either way it was still the right decision for us .... Sometimes I feel terribly guilty but this where I want to raise my children !!!!
Your life.... Your decisions .... Live it !!!!

goodiegoodieyumyum · 17/10/2015 19:42

My mum try to make me promise that I would only live away from Australia for two years when I moved to England. 17 years later I live in the Netherlands and are about to move to Germany, I have two children too. Your parents are lucky you can visit as often as you do, tell them you are thinking of moving to Australia that might make them realise how lucky they are to have you so close.

expatinscotland · 17/10/2015 19:47

I moved away, too. I wish I'd been able to find a man near my family. I miss them so much. You don't know what you have until it's gone.

abbieanders · 17/10/2015 19:59

Mammy is putting the same pressure on the brother to come home. She's never happy unless we're all nearby.

Mind you, we're buying a house now and factoring in where the baby will live when she grows up. That's just irish mammying. You'll never change it!

Purplepoodle · 17/10/2015 20:16

my sil moved to England now she dodges mil calls on a frequent basis, has resorted to text and rings once in a blue moon. Mil is extremely huffed but getting over it lol

BeStrongAndCourageous · 17/10/2015 20:21

Can you just calmly tell them "for every time you mention it, I am going to move another five miles further away. Keep this up and by the end of the evening I'll be off to Siberia."

TheExMotherInLaw · 17/10/2015 20:24

YouMakeMyDreams that is a wonderful answer!
Coffeeisnectar also good!
hmm, now wondering if job dd mentioned in far east was real, or if she's been talking to you.....
My dd lives 25 miles away, my ds 200. We see her for the odd hour every couple of months, and him maybe two weekends a year, plus both at Christmas. It tears my heart to bits, as I miss them loads, but I try to keep my mouth shut, as they are living their lives, as my sis and I lived ours, and I realise now how much our DM missed us.
However, YOUR life, Your choices. No need for you to be at the beck and call, or to be guilted into anything.

Getyercoat · 17/10/2015 20:25

Tell her you're really really REALLY happy where you are. So, so, just so happy. Never been happier.
That will work.

lorelei9 · 17/10/2015 20:46

just want to offer support

Not fair for parents to expect their children to live their lives according to parental wishes.

Do emphasise how happy you are, but be prepared for her to try and guilt you. If she does, try not to get in a row, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way".

also, you say you flew in "at her request". In future, your visits need to suit you as well as her!

I have been known to tell my parents they had a human being, not a puppet that can be dandled to order

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