Parents piling pressure on

[pandarific]

I'm knackered and am dreading a family occasion this evening as my mum has been pressuring me and now has my dad in on the act.

My situ is that I live in the UK my parents in Ireland. I am 31, been away for 6 years and am in a LTR (4 years) with an english man who I live with in a flat we are renovating, and I work full time in a demanding job. My mum has always hated me living away as she misses me badly - I miss her too of course and my extended family, but I visit about 4/5 times a year, which is IMO lots.

I had a phone conversation with her a few weeks ago and was just talking about the future and kids and things and her reaction involved the words 'no' and 'I'm not losing you' and 'you're choosing a very hard life for yourself with no family around you' (uh, my OHs lovely family are 15 mins away and are mad about me!) and ended with a 'we'll talk about this when we see you'.

An honestly I am just knackered. I flew at her request straight from work yesterday eve to celebrate a significant birthday of a family member who I'm very fond of, and had had an exhausting week at work with my partner away all week, and a very heavy but important team-bonding evening that I couldn't really get out of, and I am still shattered and am in absolutely no mood to be guilted and poked at and spoken to as if my life decisions are the whim of a silly child. I've already had my dad going all night in a jokey way 'you WILL come home', 'no, you WILL' and talking over me.

And they're of the opinion it's OHs fault I don't want to move back, but actually it's my decision! And another thing, I'm pissed off with being expected to shell out 100+ every two months to come and see my mum, when she's done the journey the other way maybe once a year since I've been over! She's not 60 yet, works full time too herself so it's not that she's incapable.

I moaned to my friend about this who was pissed off on my behalf and thinks I am definitely not BU and essentially think I need to tell them that they need to support my decisions and not try to manipulate me with guilt into doing what they want, but it's shite still because I know they are doing it because they me miss me.

And so this party starts in an hour and if I know the mother she's got them all primed - I just don't have the energy. help me vipers!

God I sympathise.

Mine created a huge fuss when I went to university as they couldn't see why girls needed to be educated. I went to the closest one (25miles away) and it was as if I had gone to the moon.

DH and I then settled in Cheshire (27 miles away) and that was obviously worse. When would they ever see the GC's!! We turned down fabulous jobs in Exeter because of the guilt.

Things have recently got better as many of the Irish cousins have gone to live in Australia or Canada. Had to laugh to hear my Mum telling her sister that she shouldn't try to stop them as they have their own lives to live!!

On the upside DH and I will never, ever put pressure on our DC.

Given my time again, I would like to think that I would speak to my parents frankly and tell them that it is absolutely not fair to guilt trip someone.

Hah. We moved to Scotland from Canada. And this might out me, because it's pretty damn unusual, but my PILs followed us and moved here too this year! They live literally around the corner now. They're great, very young for their age (mid-60s), totally up for adventure, it's not just to be near their DS and DGC. We see my DPs once a year, alternating who does the travelling, and skype weekly. It works for us, we've never been pressured to return, though we will go back eventually, most likely as a career move for me.

I wonder if you would feel the same if your parents emigrated to Australia? Oh course expecting you to make half the trips? Or decided that they no longer wanted to remain in contact with you at all? Would you mind?

Different expectations, different needs in relation to time spent with each other. Like any relationship, these needs have to be in harmony for both parties. Whilst one seems not bothered the other party is regarded as clingy.

You only see you parents 4 times a year? That would be far far too little for example for me.

'You only see you parents 4 times a year? That would be far far too little for example for me.'

I only see mine once a year. My father is now too infirm to travel here. It pains me that he will die and I will probably not be there. My sister will have to do it all and she has a chronic illness. And no, I can't 'move back', my husband and children are from here. This is their home. They don't want to move and my elder daughter lies buried here.

Think long and hard is all I'm saying. Time has a way of creeping up on you.

I never, ever missed my Mama so much as when I started having children.

When my daughter fell seriously ill, something we were of course not expecting, my mother could not be with us but a couple of times.

And you know what? I will likely get my own visited back on me and mine will leave, too. Will I be, 'Oh, yes, just let them go.' I will bite my tongue but it will break my heart all over again.

Be careful what you wish for.

Whenever I hear about Irish mothers I wonder if its a Catholic thing. My mother is identical in every way and we are Catholic but geographically a million miles away. She made my dad convert their basement into a studio flat when my brother threatened to move out at age 34, then when he got married, suggested to his new wife that they pool resources to buy a 5 bedroom house so they could all live together. My kids go to a Catholic school and when we were talking about moving out of London, all the other parents said' but what if the kids want to move to London when they are older'? My answer of 'I'd say try and come home at Christmas! Have a good time!' went down like a lead balloon! I think they all expect the kids to live with them forevermore!

My ILs did this. Once dh and I got married they never ever stopped mentioning us moving closer ( we live 2h away). Stepped it up a notch when we had dc. When I was on mat leave 1 they even offers to rent us a house nearer to them!

Dh works there, mainly remotely . My job isn't movable and is the better job. We have house and friends where we live, we are 1h away from my DPs so no chance if me wanting to live 3h away from them as they get older.

This way we have no family close by. We manage fine.

My DPs will travel to see us but ILs only grace us with their presence once a year and that's only started in the last few years as we made it clear that we were going to do less back and forth so if they want to see the dgc they need to come to us from time to time.

I say if you wAnt your dp to visit you you should invite them. At the end of the visit say 'oh you must come to me next time' !

Sometimes I think parents get the idea that their adult dc have to travel to them as it's convenient if they have bigger houses or can justify it by getting more of the family together. They totally forget how they'd feel having to be the guest and travel every time.

My technique with MIL is to tell her every time she mentions it why we aren't moving. She knows I have good reasons. It's not like an argument. It's just annoying.

Not much you can do about this one sorry!

Did the party go well?

I sympathise OP. DH had the guilt tripping from his Irish mammy for the 15 years he lived in the UK. When we finally moved to Ireland (our decision, not MIL's!) we started getting the guilt stuff from my English parents. And as my parents get older I feel guiltier about being away from my family. It's hard, and there's no easy solution.

^Tell her you're really really REALLY happy where you are. So, so, just so happy. Never been happier.
That will work.^

Getyercoat, pretty to think it would work but it so, SO won't. "Ah, you might think you're happy but... "

God. My Mum did this to me when I was 30 and went to live in Oz. I came home after a year and I never should have.

I'm 43 and back in Oz. It's taken me this long to separate the guilt from the fact that it's MY life.

Yes OP, tell her you've been(or dp, if that's more reasonable) head hunted by a fabulous firm in Toronto,and wouldn't that be a great place to raise children? Much safer than the States, you know. ...

Please, please don't let her suck the joy out of your life with your OH!
A family do is not the place for it but a conversion like this needs to take place

"Mum and Dad, I love you very much. But I am very happy in my life. I love OH, he is good to me and we are very contented making our own life. I hour you can be proud that you have raised me to be brave enough to make my own decisions and stand up for what I want. Right now the life I want is here, and no amount of pressure will change my mind so please stop immediately because all you're doing is making me unhappy and I'm sure you want to be happy........"

I hope the party/gathering went ok......

Irish parents sound like Asian ones

My mum is Irish and my best friend is Pakistani, we have always said this. I don't usually go for stereotypes, but so many time we end up in the situations. And so many of my family suffer the fall out from Irish guilt.

I handle my mum, in public situations, by listening, making 'oh' 'um' noises til she talked herself out and then saying 'well my decision is made' if she carries on I love to talk to someone else.

Then usually I sit her down in private and tell her that she may not like my decision, she doesn't have to like my decision but it's tough. After the conversation I refuse to discuss it anymore.

I don't feel she should have to fly over often. You did move. But if you don't want to fly over often....tell her you are not coming. And repeat it.

From experience it's probably going to end in an argument. Hopefully it won't, but it's best to prepare for it.

I saw my grandparents a lot as a child, and therefore see the need and desirability of my children seeing my parents. Hence I make sure we do.

My DH on the other hand didn't, so sees no need to see his parents much. So they don't get to see their GC much either.

When you are young you don't realise the importance of family ties so much, but it does have a habit if creeping up on you!

As Expat said, be careful what you wish for. I've known children return from Oz, leaving the original parent emigrant out there...

Just smile sweetly and do your own thing.

My parents were keen we all left for university at 18 and did not move back and pursued our lives and careers. When my father, a doctor, was dying his carers at home who were lovely local people, nurses and others (working class, no going away to university etc), they could not understand the concept that you could have loving parents and children who did not live 5 minutes away from each other. It was a huge cultural gulf.

We always visited at least 3 or 4 times a year for 20 years and it was an effort with small children, jobs and hundreds of miles to cover and probably once, may be twice a year they visited us here. It does mean the chidlren don't know their grandparents in the same way but it's not a wrong way to live a life and these days with lots of skype or just the telephone you can stay in touch.

I would just do your regular visits and keep them brief. We could fly sometimes to the NE just for a day and back the same night or one night away only - expensive but if you're busy worth doing.

How did it go, OP?
I'm not young, I'm 40 so I guess I'm middle aged. I find blood doesn't mean anything, but the people you choose, or naturally bond with, are beyond price. Sometimes that includes family, sometimes not.

It might be worth emphasising to your mum what you have in England apart from your dH or she'll be asking "what if you break up?"

There's no risk of her following you, is there? I have a friend whose mum did that. It's been pretty rotten, she's a nice lady but....yeah. It's been hard and put a big strain on my friend's marriage.

Dearest Expat,who has been through the crucible of this wonderful ,dreadful thing we know as 'life' has reached the kernel.

This only comes with great suffering or enlightenment and wisdom of age.

Unfortunately /fortunstely? the young are wrapped up in their own busy -ness.

Sorry, I must defend Irish mothers here. My mother was never like that and for a country whose biggest export has always been people, it just goes to show how unsuccessful this Irish mother campaign has been.

Not all mothers want their children living in their back-pocket but we all miss them when they are away, don't we?

Thanks everyone. We've not had The Chat yet, there were too many people, I think this will come later when we go out for lunch - but good advice from you all, thanks!

It's a shit situation really because ideally (if I was rich) I'd love to live six months in each place, but its not practical. The problem is I do miss ireland and I do of course hugely miss my family.

My mum is well aware of this, but then it makes me feel unable to express any negative feelings because its proof I should move home. I am ALSO happy where I am and I don't want to. So... Yeah.

Love, eh? The things it makes us do!

pandarific "It's a shit situation really because ideally (if I was rich) I'd love to live six months in each place, but its not practical. The problem is I do miss ireland and I do of course hugely miss my family. "

ooh. I did not realise this at all from your first post.

Excellent username btw!

Send her this:

On Children
by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

My mother does this too me too. Has done for years with classic's such as 'the kids would love it' and this years newest addition of 'but we would give you the house'!!!! I have explained nicely and calmly that it is never going to happen and that my home, as it stands now, is not in Australia!! She kept pushing this year and I sort of lost the plot a bit . I think the moon will fall from the sky before she stops

My (Irish) mother and sister did this to me for years. (My dad never put the slightest pressure on me). I would have quite liked to move back to Ireland but it never worked for us as a family (me, dh, kids) but my god did I pay for it with my mum and sis. I began to dread conversations with them/going home because I would get it constantly. I didn't just swan off into the sunset -- we spend every holiday going back home, paid for my parents to come out and visit us, I called my mum every day, wrote regularly, went home for every big event in their lives (my sister visited me once). But still I received constant guilt and pressure. There was not one single phone call with my sister over a period of 11 years that she didn't have a go at me.

I think it was worse because they knew I was ambivalent about being away from Ireland so they constantly tried to push me into a move. I wish I had said from the start "I am not moving home under any circumstances so there is no point in discussing it" whether this was true or not as at least I'd have shut off the conversations.

I have children so I understand how lovely it is having them nearby and how much I would miss them if they went far away. But my god I would never do to mine what my family did to me.

My PIL's are like this. DH is one of six and the rest live within five minutes from PIL. They genuinely can't see why we would want to live away and raise this at every opportunity. We have two boys and they are being used as bait - "wouldn't you be happier if you could see us...etc etc"! No advice just moaning in support with you.

I really dislike that Kahlil Gibran claptrap poem.