Making 16 year old DS take care of his own affairs sometimes?

[MsRamone]

My lovely DS is 16 (and a half). He is at college 5 days a week and works Saturday's.

He has a habit of telling me at 10pm At night that he needs various things doing before the next morning. In the end I got sick of this and told him that as me and DP work full time in stressful jobs we can't be expected to run around after him and therefore if he needs something ironing for example - he irons it himself. The past few weeks I've also got him to make his own packed lunch for work on Saturdays. Last week he announced he was going out for an Italian meal for his friends birthday and wanted me to pay for it. Normally I would have caved but this time I said no, he made the plans so he needs to pay for it. I feel guilty and he clearly feels hard done to but at 17, I was living alone, looking after myself and paying my own bills!! Am I being unreasonable?

I do one whites and one darks wash a day. I couldn't be doing with the DC trying to do further washes with individual bits plus the washing machine would break down.

My 16 and 17 yo DD's do their own washing and ironing. We do ferry them about for parties and work atm as public transport is poor, but the 17 yo is learning to drive and it is a relatively short time. They also make their own packed lunches because they prefer to choose what they have. I don't think OP is unreasonable to expect her 16yo ds to start doing some of his own stuff, and she should have started sooner perhaps, hindsight is marvellous for guilt tripping but doesn't actually change the present. Keep making him stand on his own two feet, he will have to learn to sometime and the longer you pander to it the harder he will find it as he gets older. You're doing him a favour even though he doesn't appreciate it!

My 8 and 7 yo have their packed lunches made for them most of the time, but are capable of making it themselves and sometimes ask to do it themselves as it makes them feel grown up. it is not a bad thing for them to start to develop these skills.

On the ferrying around.... I have made sure they both applied for provisional driving licences just before the 17th birthday - you can order them 3 months in advance. They have booked a driving theory test for the week after their birthday and they have their first three driving lessons each in half term week. I put them on the car insurance (ouch).... yesterday from their forthcoming birthday. Yes, it's an effort and expensive but it's easier to get a driving test in the sixth form than waiting until you are older so I would certainly suggest parents do that although having suffered learner drivers with our older 3 children I am not looking forward to hanging on to the car like grim death over the next few months.

My six year old is learning how to make a packed luck already, I would be abit worried of he's not mastered it by 17.
He is bvu expecting you to pay for his jollies when he's earning a wage.

Glad our public transport is so efficient and cheap that we didn't have to wait until driving test age for the DC to no longer need ferrying!

Well my sons do get free bus travel in London. Getting through the driving test at 17 as I did too is quite useful. My older son has to drive for work and the fact he passed his driving test at 17 has helped him.

Perhaps the best way for chidlren to become independent is have a full time working mother as they aren't then namby pambied and have to find their way to things alone even at night as teenagers. My girls learnt the London night buses whereas friends with fussier mothers were staying up to 2am to drive their precious little darlings home.

No such luck with public transport here.

OP my ds is the same age as yours, also at college and also has a job.

I haven't made him a packed lunch or ironed anything of his for years. He totally organises everything for himself. He even gets the sewing kit out if something needs repairing.

At 16 they are heading fast towards adulthood and need these skills. In two years time, if they go to university, they will be living independently and might struggle if they are not used to looking after themselves.

Ds started making his own packed lunches in primary school. He can and does cook, use the washing machine, the lawn mower, shop for food, etc. The only thing I can do that he can't is drive the car.

Grazia

Perhaps the best way for chidlren to become independent is have a full time working mother as they aren't then namby pambied and have to find their way to things alone even at night as teenagers.

In my experience, the most independent children, au fait with all aspects of public transport, are those of parents who don't drive and never had lifts as an option. WOHP/SAHP have nowt to do with it.

That may well be true but there is a core group of parents who live their life through their children, the helicopter parent who has little else in their life than the child and they make "to parent" into a verb when it's really a noun, as it were. They do hover and do ensure the child remains a kidlet into adult life.

"they make "to parent" into a verb when it's really a noun, as it were."

It's been a verb since the mid 17th century.

Not sure how many A level pupils who are expecting to get great results and continue to university have part time jobs.

The kids I know certainly don't and the school recommends they do 2 hours homework per night (Arts subjects).

Part Time jobs are the norm for DS1 and his friends and they are doing A Levels.
DS1 does 2 hours school work plus each evening. It is possible.

I'm not expecting my teens to,cook , clean and iron yet on a regular basis. However, my nearly-16 year old always iron his CCF uniform and both dc's during the holidays will make their own lunches etc.

However, I leave it up to,them to get their football kit, school bag etc ready, and if they need something, and haven't told me in good time, then they face the consequences.

I would like my small children - 7 and 5 - to help with their lunches but they are actually too small to reach most of the stuff! Might rearrange the fridge a bit and get them assembling sandwiches soon though on evenings when we have time.

I think the OP was definitely not BU

Yes family dynamic and needs makes a difference to whether it is practical.

It is just me and 2 DC so not a case of me already doing lunches for others. Anyone who wants a lunch can make it. My fridge is on the floor level so easily accessible too. I dont iron so no worries there. When they are older and need things ironed, they're welcome to use the iron themselves. Cooking, they each do one dinner a week, something like fish fingers and microwave mash with beans, or pizza or a pasta bake with a jar. All easy stuff and I am right there beside them calling out times tables or spellings to the other DC at the table. DS2 loves "cooking" dinner. It really isnt a hardship. However in 10 years when he is doing exams will i still insist on it? Probably not, circumstances change but for now they can and it isnt a fight to get them to. So why not?

My dc 13 and 15 do very little around the house but if I do ask them to hoover or put a wash on etc they can and will without difficulty or fuss. They can shove food in oven and make basic food by themselves but again most of the time I cook for us.
I am happy to do it and they have rest of their lives to do it. My exh didn't do anything at home and didn't move out until he was almost 30 as saving for deposit but was still capable when we were together so it doesn't always mean just because don't do it young that won't or can't.

Mine were perfectly capable of washing, ironing, packing, cooking, shopping, and getting the bus.

They also had ridiculous amounts of homework, played school and county sports, volunteered, acted and threw themselves into the business of being teenagers and I was happy to facilitate that rather than demanding they took on chores and housework that was being done anyway.

I was lucky enough to be brought up with a lot of help in the house and went to university and joined society quite able to fend for myself.

I rather loved doing things for my DC, and I like spoiling then when they come home.

I think there are more important things to be doing than chores when you're 16, but these morally bankrupt views are very unpopular on MN.

When mine were 7 and 8 they started making their own pack lunch, rthey enjoy 'cooking'. They also put away their own washing, tidy up their rooms and are expected to buy for extra treats out if their own money.

Having had the misfortune of having a couple of mollycoddled ( by their mothers) exes they is now way mine are going to be so fecking feckless.(a 20 year old who could cook fucking pasta, a 19 that had never had a job)

They have loads of fun and playtime and are spoilt rotten form time to time but they are also learning really useful skills.

Not sure how many A level pupils who are expecting to get great results and continue to university have part time jobs.

There are plenty of hours to fit everything in if they are organised. My dd got great A level results and is now at university.

She worked part time throughout her A levels, did sports, learned to drive, did her share of housework, washing, ironing, packing, cooking, shopping, etc. and still had time for socialising and watching crap tv.

Sometimes I think we don't give our children enough credit, they are very capable when they have the opportunity to be.

'I rather loved doing things for my DC, and I like spoiling then when they come home. '

I think that's rather ovely Olive, and I agree.
The difference in all of these conversations seems to be that it's not a problem if your children appreciate and recognise that it's your choice to help them when they are older, not an automatic right that everything should be done for them. And that those things would still happen if you were out of the picture, they are capable enough to manage and function independently.
It's the arrogance and toddler tantrums that are the issue.

rather lovely
Don't know what happened to my l.

YANBU if anything you are really helping him for the future. My parents did this to me and I'm so good with money (if I do say so myself lol)