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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Making 16 year old DS take care of his own affairs sometimes?

79 replies

MsRamone · 17/10/2015 15:18

My lovely DS is 16 (and a half). He is at college 5 days a week and works Saturday's.

He has a habit of telling me at 10pm At night that he needs various things doing before the next morning. In the end I got sick of this and told him that as me and DP work full time in stressful jobs we can't be expected to run around after him and therefore if he needs something ironing for example - he irons it himself. The past few weeks I've also got him to make his own packed lunch for work on Saturdays. Last week he announced he was going out for an Italian meal for his friends birthday and wanted me to pay for it. Normally I would have caved but this time I said no, he made the plans so he needs to pay for it. I feel guilty and he clearly feels hard done to but at 17, I was living alone, looking after myself and paying my own bills!! Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Sazzle41 · 17/10/2015 23:08

At 16 he should do his own washing/ironing. I did. IMO it made my life easier as my DM didnt like kids/teenagers anyway so it was best to sort yourself out tbh. If he doesnt tell you til 10pm re stuff it doesnt get done. He needs to learn to plan his time and his life - its a massive life skill that he needs to get down now or no-one will employ him or put up with him. We also did dog walking, car cleaning and table setting/clearing (not allowed to do more kitchen wise as DM was territorial re kitchen). It made me very independant and organised, which has paid dividends at work etc.

Sparklingbrook · 17/10/2015 23:20

I think at 16 they should know how to do washing and ironing. DS1 does but doesn't have time to do them at the moment.
He is employed part time so his 'life skills' are building up nicely with my help as and when needed.

BrandNewAndImproved · 17/10/2015 23:24

My dc 8 and 9 have been making their own packed lunches for over a year.

They also get everything ready for the next day before they go to bed.

You should of started this earlier op, I was living on my own and going to college at 16. He sounds babied.

Damselindestress · 17/10/2015 23:40

YANBU. I think he only feels hard done by because possibly you have pandered to him a bit in the past and now he feels like a lot is changing at once. None of the changes are unreasonable and all of them are essential for him to be able to stand on his two feet when he leaves home. Just keep the channels of communication open.

ssd · 17/10/2015 23:42

my 2 dont know much and its my fault

Sparklingbrook · 17/10/2015 23:50

I knew nothing either at 16, and yet here I am able to do everything now.

It's not exactly hard to work out how to wash and iron or make a packed lunch.

ssd · 18/10/2015 00:10

yeah I know sb but here in MN land the 5 year olds are doing their own laundry and cooking the evening meal.....

Sparklingbrook · 18/10/2015 00:11

ssd. They will be all burnt out by the time they are teenagers and rebelling against it.

ssd · 18/10/2015 00:13

and their mums will need to find something else to lie brag about

SurlyCue · 18/10/2015 00:17

carelesswhisper1987 · 18/10/2015 00:24

You are NOT being unreasonable. It's preparing him for adult life. I remember being horrified at 17 when my DM refused to ring the doctors surgery for me, she said I was old enough to do it myself. The horror! I likened it to child cruelty I think

I think it's the same with all kids in their late teens; it's scary realising you're becoming an actual grown up and are expected to do certain things for yourself!

toffeeboffin · 18/10/2015 00:32

YANBU.

This is practice for real life. Having a job, college etc are responsible things and he needs to manage his own schedule. This include taxi-ing to and fro, food etc.

Demanding money from you is unacceptable, he needs to figure this out himself.

The sulking would drive me insane!

coffeeisnectar · 18/10/2015 00:36

My oldest is 17 and she's at school full time doing A levels and has a job working weds and Fri 5pm to 10pm/11pm plus 8 hours on Saturday and 8 on Sunday. She volunteers on Thursdays at the youth club and does activities Monday and Tuesday so I do spend a lot of time driving her to and from work! I also do her washing and ironing and cooking quite simply as she's so busy. It's an hour each way to school (bus) so we drive her to work and pick her up.

However she does do her own washing (and ours) when she's off at half term etc and has a day off, she can and does cook. She buys all her own clothes and pays for her own social life plus she's good at looking after her sister on the very rare occasion we go out.

Yanbu to teach your son that a) he needs to organise his own life and b) pay for it. Yanbu to help him out if you want to/can afford it.

My 10 year old makes tea, coffee, packed lunch and has mastered beans on toast. :o

StillMedusa · 18/10/2015 00:38

I still do DS1 and DS2's laundry (I don't iron much of anything but will do the odd shirt for a night out), and if DS1 is doing extra work at my school (TA supply in special school) on his days off...in addition to his own full time support job, I make his lunch when I do mine. He's 22. He's grateful and knows he's 'lucky' but as I'm doing laundry anyway, making lunch for myself anyway... I don't see a problem.

DS2 is 18 but has ASD and learning disability and has just learned to make a sandwich... the rest is going to be a slow process!

But until my girls left for Uni I did all their laundry..and beds, cooked their meals and oddly enough they are perfectly capable, independent women now, doing their laundry, cooking and paying their bills...

I DID make sure they could all cook a roast, make cheap but decent meals and budget. The could use a washing machine and did if they needed to do stuff at different times, but I genuinely don't get the angst over doing family stuff..for my family. We are all busy, all pitch in as needed!

I also gave lifts until DS1 could drive (neither girls do yet)... live rurally and 'make your own way home' simply isn't an option that was safe. However I DID expect advance planning... if you are going to need a lift, let me know before the day.. and generally mine arranged lift shares so I'd do one way and another parent did another.

None are tied to my apron strings (DS1 is about to go off travelling the world... !)

I just expect advance warning for requests, and if you need kit for tomorrow... warn me or do it yourself!

paramedicswift · 18/10/2015 01:01

YANBU
Never do things for people who do not appreciate them and are old enough to appreciate.

Also, why are people getting snarky about the 6 year old making their own lunch? I think that's pretty great parenting, independence and ahead of most kids. I think a kid who does this is more actually less likely to be rebellious. The reaction I think is explained by some feeling inadequate/comparing their own children to this.

(I was a sandwich maker as a toddler too and I came out fine)

LittleLionMansMummy · 18/10/2015 01:28

Hmm, not sure if the snide comment about 5 year olds doing their own washing is aimed at me ssd. If so I don't point him in the direction of the nearest kitchen appliance and tell him to get on with it, we do things together because he likes to help and I think it's a good thing to instil in him. He takes the clean plates out, hands them to me and I put them away. We both empty the washing machine and he transfers stuff to the drier. He chops a few mushrooms while I stir a hot saucepan, that kind of thing. Stuff needs doing around the house and he's of an age that wants to interact by helping. It's not child labour!

paramedicswift · 18/10/2015 01:51

LittleLionMansMummy, I think that's absolutely great.

It's not like there is just one way to parent. It's a shame that some people (ssd) have to openly sneer about it. I am sure that you're a decent parent too, ssd.

differentnameforthis · 18/10/2015 04:03

Having to make your own packed lunch for school at six must suck

really? My youngest is 7, she gets out what snacks she likes for her packed lunch everyday and has been doing so since she started school.

Often times her sandwich is made by her 12yr old sister, who has been making her own since she was about 8.

I don't think they will tell you that it sucks. of course, they'd rather not be doing it...just like they'd rather not be feeding their pets everyday...just Like I'd rather not cook everyday, or wash up everyday.

In out house it's called earning your pocket money. It doesn't suck every fortnight spending their money on what they like.

Mistigri · 18/10/2015 07:16

I don't think its unreasonable to expect a teenager with a job to pay for their own evenings out, although I suppose it does depend what they earn, and what else they are expected to pay for out of it.

My teenager has an allowance rather than a job (her school timetable makes working completely impossible) but she would be expected to pay for transport and meals out with friends out of that.

As an aside, I'm amazed how much A Level students are able to work ... My daughter is at a french lycee (sixth form college), she has lessons until 6pm four days a week, and at least 1.5 hours homework a night plus more at weekends :-/ I'd love her to have a PT job but there is absolutely no prospect of that.

Sparklingbrook · 18/10/2015 07:47

My teens have got to 13 and 16 and are able to do all the things they need to do. I don't feel inadequate about anything they did or didn't do ten years ago. I am more concerned about helping them prioritise now so they can fit everything into their day. A Level work trumps household chores at this stage.

BoboChic · 18/10/2015 07:51

Mistigri - I agree that A-level students do not have to put in the same number of study hours (classroom and homework) as French lycee students. It's a very different world!

Grazia1984 · 18/10/2015 08:45

There are no right and wrongs in this.
However teenagers need absolute consistency as do younger children. It's when things change they have problems and it's not fair. Mind know exactly where they stand so all is well. It's when a fly by night parent suddenly decides to be strict for 2 days or less strict the child is confused.

Also family views differ. My teenagers mostly have not had jobs and I want them to think and relax at the weekends or go out or revise (I have 2 sixth formers). Other parents have different views. Just do what feels right to you.

One of mine suddenly thinks of things at the last minute - that is pretty normal. He knows I recommend getting what you need ready the night before. They went away very early on Saturday. I helped one think of what to take for the school trip early on Friday evening. The other one was out and then said sensibly leave it all to him. Presumably he packed in the night which is fine - his choice.

I agree with Sparklingbrook that A level work trumps household chores although I'm not sure lying in bed and computer games and social media should although I'm pretty relaxed about it as we have someone in 3 times a week to clean and everyone is quite tidy so apart from my constant task of picking up plates around the house and washing sports wear it's not too onerous and they will be gone in the blink of an eye to university.

Grazia1984 · 18/10/2015 08:46

I should have added that mine all cook. I don't cook a meal for them more than about twice a year now. So they will go to university very good cooks.

florentina1 · 18/10/2015 09:04

I agree that making children independent from a very young age is good for them and good for you.

Mine had lots of responsibility from primary age.

As teenagers they gave us no grief and then, joy of joy, they all left home before they were 20.

BoboChic · 18/10/2015 09:25

I don't particularly want the DC to cook for the family, though I do expect older teens to do their own laundry (it spirals completely out of control if they don't). The most critical issue in independence is when DC don't need an adult at home with them all the time and when they can get themselves around on foot or by public transport. That's the life changing moment IMVHO.

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