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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to tell a child his dad is gone?

85 replies

couldusesomeadvice · 17/10/2015 10:06

DS is 6. His dad has today contacted me and told me he no longer wishes to see him.

Aibu to ask for some advice on how best to tell him?

I have no idea what to say or how to say it. My heart is breaking for him.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 17/10/2015 14:14

No advice jus Shock at what an absolute cunt he is. Shame it isn't tattooed straight across his face for all the world to see. Sad

Maybe one day he will realise and regret what he can never have back.

Georgethesecond · 17/10/2015 14:17

Some really good advice on here.

Notime - the problem with that is that in early teens the child thinks they are "half a bad person" and worry about being descended from someone they believe to be bad.

SoDiana · 17/10/2015 14:36

Had to have this conversation with my dd though slightly different circumstances in that he had never been involved. She asked about him. I gave a vague answer. She asked did he not love her. I told her that we had both decided because he wasn't ready to be a parent that she should live with me because she was so precious. We had decided she would be happier living with her mammy.
'We' had decided nothing. Envy

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 17/10/2015 15:46

Your poor poor DS

I agree that he will remember this heartbreak for the rest of his life and will be determined not to do this to his own children. And as he's older and sees that even crap dads don't walk out on their kids, he's going to realise that what his father did is not okay.

Reassure him this is not his fault. Protect his self esteem in every way you can. I didn't know about the family support workers either but definitely get them involved. He may find it really difficult to talk about his feelings to you, an independent trained person may be easier. And yes to positive male role models, but be aware he may not want to see them being brilliant dads to their own kids right now, so 1:1 time might be better in the short term.

Flowers for you and Cake for DS

CPtart · 17/10/2015 16:43

I hope to goodness you're pursuing child support. I would feel so much hatred for his dad I would want to hurt him where it usually hurts these walkaway men the most..his wallet.

Loki17 · 17/10/2015 17:05

I deal with this type of issue a lot with the pupils at school. There is no easy solution and I feel for you and your son. I think the best advice you have had is to be gentle but honest. The next time your son brings it up, gently tell him that his dad is struggling to be a dad at the minute so has decided not to visit like he used too. Tell him that you do not know when his dad will feel better but he knows where you live so if he changes his mind he can still find you both. Explain (gently) that his dad's decision makes you feel sad and a bit cross because your ds is the best little boy in the whole world and you feel sad that his dad will miss out on that. Explain you feel cross because you do not want your ds to be sad because his dad isn't being a very good dad at the minute. Above all, surround your ds with as much love as possible. Always place the blame at his father's feet so your son doesn't blame himself. If I see this 'father' ill do my best to hit him with my car.

helenthemadexy · 17/10/2015 17:39

what an arsehole he is

I have sadly have had a similar situation, a very good friend suggested that I don't lie or make excuses for him, but that I am as honest as possible, and the truth for me is that I don't know why he is like this and I don't understand it either and that it what I tell her, at the same time reassuring my dd she is loved

it is a heartbreaking situation to be in, our dc deserve so much better than these vile sperm donors

Shouldknowbetter2015 · 17/10/2015 17:49

This happened to me when my dd was 8 & my ds 1. My dd coped amazingly well. We told her her dad had something wrong & that he couldn't see her anymore (true). It was easier with ds as he never knew his dad, BUT has started asking why he hasn't got a dad around. I asked his school for help in dealing with this & they have been brilliant. The home school link worker is working with him & his friends (so he doesn't feel singled out) to talk about different family set ups. I also regularly tell both my dc how much they are loved by me & also my family/friends. It's a horrible situation, but if you are consistent with the message about how much YOU love & value them they will be fine. Honestly, it will be! I NEVER thought my dd would recover but she is now a totally normal 12 yr old who knows she is loved & has a secure family home with me. Oh & it's fine for you to show your upset too. My dc saw me crying a lot at the time! Since then I've gone back to uni, got a new qualification & am about to start a new career! Good luck!

penguinplease · 17/10/2015 17:59

I haven't read all the replies but this happened to me when I was 8, my dad who I had only seen sporadically chose his new family over me.
The worst thing was no one told me. I spent years wondering what I had done wrong. It damaged all my relationships with men.

Regardless of how much of a shit your ex is you need to be as gentle as you can with the truth for your ds. The truth might hurt but it shows the fault is in the man and not the child. If only my mum had told me I wouldn't be seeing him for a while I wouldn't have spent years waiting and wondering.

Good luck, being rejected by a parent is awful but you are the one that can make it ok enough for him to cope.

travailtotravel · 17/10/2015 18:49

I hope this useless sack of nuts is at least paying his way ....

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