How to tell a child his dad is gone?

[couldusesomeadvice]

DS is 6. His dad has today contacted me and told me he no longer wishes to see him.

Aibu to ask for some advice on how best to tell him?

I have no idea what to say or how to say it. My heart is breaking for him.

Ok, I am fortunate never to have been in this sort of situation, but is it really ok to tell a kid his Daddy loved him very much, but just wasn't up to being a Daddy?

Doesn't it tell little boys that it's okay to just walk away from your kids, if you don't fancy it any more? That it's okay to hurt and abandon your kids and no one will think you are a nasty person cos kids should just suck it up.

We seem to have generations of men just walking away from their kids now. Surely we should be trying to find ways of telling kids it is just not acceptable to do this and the way their Dad is behaving is despicable and pathetic.

Doesn't it tell little boys that it's okay to just walk away from your kids

Tinkly I am sure that even at this young age, he will know that it's not ok. It won't feel ok. It's more likely to make him never want to do that to one of his own, I'm sure.

I think you should say daddy loves him but he's not in a good place and can't be a good daddy to him. Say it's nothing your son has done and then list all the wonderful people who love DS. Talk about xmas and all the people you're going to see and what you're going to do. Wrap him in a bundle of love. And endless cuddles... For months

Thanks for all the advice. I will be making the school aware of the situation on Monday. I didn't know that support workers were available for this type of thing so I will definitely ask about that.

I'm certainly not going to rush into telling him and I do appreciate the opinions that he is too young for this news, but I do believe he does need to be told. I don't feel that lying to him continually will help him. He is a smart little boy and has already realised that something is wrong, I have to be honest with him so that he can begin to move on with his life. Constantly waiting for someone who isn't coming is not healthy and is not going to do him any good.

If it turns out that I have made the wrong decision and that I shouldn't have told him then I will have to accept that and deal with the fallout, but I really dont think that I am making a mistake by choosing to tell him. I'm sure for other situations not telling could be the best decision but for our situation I need to be honest.

I don't understand how he has come to his decision but he has decided and I can't change his mind. He has 2 younger children who he lives with. I'm unsure as to how he can look them in the eye and be a dad to them knowing that he has walked away from my DS, but, while I feel strongly that he is a bastard who has made a stupid decision, it is a free country so he is entitled to decide whatever he wants, even if it does make him a cunt.

I was expecting it and I don't expect it to change. Obviously I may be wrong, but I don't anticipate a change of mind occurring. If I thought for a moment he might change his mind I wouldn't tell DS

Excellent advice from zzzzzz.

Honesty is indeed always the best policy. It's worse for a child to keep hanging on, to keep hoping, or to try to figure out reasons - he'll think up something like he was naughty, or unloveable. And at 6, he may not share those thoughts his.

Op is spot on saying I have to tell him that there wont be any more visits rather than I'm not sure when because it isn't fair to keep him holding on.

Op, sounds like you do get it. With a mum like you, I expect DS will get through this. Don't invent excuses like 'Daddy really loves you' because that's just confusing. Much better to say you don't understand because it's such unusual behaviour. Obviously repeat that you don't understand it and you always want to be with him, etc.

Great idea upthread to have this convo over the biggest ice cream sundae ever.

It may be harder for you than DS. Your ex is a shit.

My mum left when I was three, I did see her once a week but my lovely dad felt it was best to never talk about it. (This was the early 70s so things were very different).
My earliest memories are of total confusion as to why my mum had left and everyone just carried on as normal. If someone had just sat me down and explained what was happening, that it was ok to feel sad and angry and that my mum still loved me(although she never ever told me that herself) it would have helped enormously.
I'm getting really quite angry at some of the responses on here telling you that he is "too young" or to lie to him. Please don't think for a second that you are doing the wrong thing by telling him, gently, the truth of what is happening in HIS life. It will save so much heartache later on.

Sorry for the rambling op x

the way their Dad is behaving is despicable and pathetic.

Absolutely right. How dare he leave the child's only constant to be the one to break this terrible news.

I feel your pain. I have been exactly where you are. I know this is probably the most hurtful thing someone can make, so my suggestions are:

• DO NOT TELL HIM THIS IS PERMANENT (Dad can change his mind and you wouldn't look well in DS' eyes, and even if he doesn't, by the time DS works out this is a permanent thing, he would be more used to the status quo and the pain will be much less than if told at this time, when the memories are so fresh)

• Explain to him that sometimes Dad does things neither of you can understand, but it is very important that he knows that NOTHING that he could have done, may have caused his dad's lack of contact.

• If he asks when he would see him, just say the truth, and the truth is "I don't know". Be prepared to listen to him if he wants to discuss the matter further and answer his questions with age appropriate answers that you can build up on in the future.

• Do not badmouth the dad (I know it is difficult not to, considering...) but do not build up his figure. If he was good for something say it, but do not make up for his lack of interest like saying that dad can't see him as he is traveling or busy at work. In such cases it is better not to say anything.

• Take good care of yourself and your feelings too. You might never forgive your ex for rejecting his son, but in time you may realise (as I did) that things may have been much harder and painful for DS if he had stayed in touch. This is so important because you cannot parent properly with a very bitter heart.

Children are not stupid he will eventually work out that his dad was not a very nice person, but boys need male role models to follow, especially at that age (you may have noticed already how much he looks up to older boys, etc) so try to ensure that he has some good men to look up to and who he sees regularly.
I cannot stress how important this is, so... if you know of a good sports coach, music tutor, or have some fantastic friends/relatives whose company DS enjoys, make sure DS see them regularly. I will be forever grateful to my friend's husband who made the effort to take DS under his wing when exh fucked off, and to the fantastic teachers, senseis, and yes my boyfriend, who ensured that DS had a happy childhood regardless of the actions of his dad.

Your poor boy, I feel so bad for him. :(
What an utter bellend your ex is; how could anyone do this to their son? I never understand this and am eternally grateful that my DH feels the same.

I do think you are right that you need to tell him that Daddy won't be coming back, and reinforce the idea that it is entirely down to Daddy's ineptitude, nothing to do with your DS in the slightest, but it must be so hard to try and put any kind of positive spin on Daddy after this. Neutral is the best I could manage!

Also agree entirely that there is no point in lying to him - any lie, or prevarication, and he will always be hoping that Daddy will turn up one day as a surprise, and will always be disappointed - better to go for the short sharp "rip-off" of the plaster, so it gets it out the way and he can start to recover from it.

Still bloody tragic :(

and for you. And for your boy.

My DD is 20 and has had four serious boyfriends, none of whom has had a Dad anywhere on the scene, all of whom have very much latched onto my DH, and seem to have fairly muddled thinking about what a father's role is.

The one with the best take on it seems to be the most recent one, whose Dad was "prevented" from seeing him by his new wife. His Mum never told him this was okay and his Dad loved him really. He has basically grown up thinking his Dad is a pretty worthless excuse for a father, with a strong belief that a decent man puts his kids first. Probably helps that he has a great relationship with his Grandad too.

"If it turns out that I have made the wrong decision and that I shouldn't have told him then I will have to accept that and deal with the fallout, but I really dont think that I am making a mistake by choosing to tell him."

Believe me, this is a fallout like no fallout you've ever seen. Even if he doesn't talk much about it, the pain will be with him through out his life.

I agree that you shouldn't lie, but you don't need to present him with the brutality of his dad's action at an age he cannot manage it. Just say that you don't know when Dad will see him again and that it may be a long time, but do not tell him his dad "Doesn't want to see him again" because believe me, this will destroy any confidence he has in him.

Sorry, that didn't came clear, I meant knowing his dad doesn't want to see him again will destroy DS' self esteem,

I have a friend whose father did this when she was 8, her younger sister was 6.

Their mum told them "dad is a useless bleep who is trying to run away from his responsibilities and therefore won't be seeing you for the foreseeable future". In reality, she knew he had said "never" but didn't want to hit the children with "forever".

That said, my friend said at 8, she understood that it did actually mean forever. Her little sister didn't get it and cried a lot but with strong emphasis that it was his fault and not theirs, she got used to it.

This may not be popular but I don't see a problem with saying this. It may not paint father in a good light but the most important thing is that a child doesn't think in any way that it is "their" fault. Now in their late 30s, they still refer to their father as an utterly useless bleep and they changed their surnames when they were teens because they didn't want his.

They have encountered people who think that is "harsh" - one was particularly annoyed by relatives suggesting she try to find him when she got married! - but I think it's 100% fair. The most important thing is to make sure the child knows it is not his fault in any way, shape or form.

to you.

I completely agree with the OP and others that the truth is very important. Of course, not the blunt truth 'your Dad doesn't want to see you again', but the truth that he is not likely to see him again for the foreseeable future.

I think Fairenuff's suggestions are excellent.

What a pathetic excuse for a man, if that weasel can be called that!.

If i were you I'd get the pratt out of your life and find another man who is a good dad, even a step dad, they do exist. I know of two of them!.

It won't be easy and pain free but for the longer term the best bet.

Poor little lad, take care of him please which I'm sure you will:)

And another thing I never understand is the women who are with men who behave like this - do they honestly think they are somehow different and he would never do this to them or their children? Because that's SO unlikely - if he's done it once, he'll do it again.

I would be so angry if I was with someone who did this to one of their children, SO angry. :(

Thumb, my exh really wanted a son and we have been together for many years before DS came along, he was there at the birth and for many years after it.

He bathed him and read stories to DS every single for years, he taught him to swim, dive, ride a bicycle. He cooked his baby food most of the time, he used to take him out on his own every Saturday morning before and after we split.

If there was anything that could have suggested he would stop seeing his son (permanently) as soon as he settled down with another person, I certainly missed it.

I suppose his new partner feels special as he shut down the door on his past/family in order to start afresh. If she had not been so horrible to DS I would even feel sorry for her, I'm sure, however, that she is pleased with herself. DS was never on her plans, and that was clear from the beginning.

i wouldnt say anything at the moment.....and tell the toss pot thing who is supposed to be a 'dad' to man up and talk to your son himself....face to face.(he prob wont, which says it all).....you are well shot of that waste of space....and eventually your son will realise that too....just carry on being a fantastic mum.....sometimes thats all kids need!

I know that he doesn't have the balls to tell DS himself.
But I certainly shan't be making him. That news coming from him would rip DS apart. DS should hear this from someone who loves him, adores him, cares about him and who would never deliberately hurt him.
He shouldn't hear it from someone who cares so little that he would walk away and cause such devastation.

DS shouldn't have to hear the heinous things he said to me during that phone call. I hope he never finds out what was said I really do.
He admitted he does not love DS and said when he looks at him he feels nothing. Said he wishes he was never born and that I had had an abortion. He is a bastard, an absolute bastard.

So no, I won't be forcing him to tell DS.
Because if I trief to force exh to say it I can't guarantee that he wouldn't say to DS exactly what he said to me.

Absolutely shocking, Tiger - and so sad. Bloody bloody man/new woman.

Presumably if your son is missing him and wants to see him then he must have treated him well when they were together? Does he live far away? I find it so bizarre that he would be his Dad for 6 years and then not want to see him anymore?! If he's been visiting once a month has he had a relationship with his brothers or sisters?
I'm so sorry for you OP. What a shitty situation to be in. I have to say in this instance I agree with Lorelei9. I think the rule about not bad mouthing the shit parent only applies if said shit parent is still around and still having contact with their child. If he's never going to see him again what's the problem with him thinking he's a shit person . . . that's the truth! And it takes the 'fault' completely away from you and most importantly your DS

OMG x post! Sorry! He makes me feel sick! What an absolute CUNT! I feel for your DS but at this point I think I feel more sorry for the children that still have to live with him!!

ask for it in writing for when ds is older tell him to make it good or face the wrath of mumsnet

What a vile excuse for a human being. How can anyone say that about their own flesh and blood?

Wow, I don't even know this man and I hate him so I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling.

As hurtful as it is right now, I think long term your son is better off without someone like that in his life. I appreciate that doesn't make it easier to deal with though.

for you.