How to tell a child his dad is gone?

[couldusesomeadvice]

DS is 6. His dad has today contacted me and told me he no longer wishes to see him.

Aibu to ask for some advice on how best to tell him?

I have no idea what to say or how to say it. My heart is breaking for him.

why tell him?

just fade dad out. keep him busy and be vague, so when he starts to realise, that sharp here today gone tomorrow is more gentle....

I would never ever tell my dc dads gone if he walked out...I would keep things gentle and kind

poor you op, awful awful situation.

op if you must tell him, can you do it before a holiday or break or trip to somewhere really exciting to cushion the blow?

He is a bastard. But tbh, if he has done this it may be better than years of being let down and maltreated, which is as common.

I would ask the school for a referral to a family support worker, and explain why. Then ask that support worker for advice and help on how to handle this. They are employed to help families in difficult straits - we have one involved because DS is autistic and she is genuinely lovely. Warm, empathetic, and also trained and skilled. She is exactly what you could do with as she would also work with DS, and he won't feel the same complicated emotions he will about you related to all this. Every kid needs someone independent in really difficult times, and a good FSW can offer that.

I would also keep a paper trail, including that request for help and the contact from the fuckwit saying he wants no more contact. If it's a text, take a photo and get it printed out. If an email, get it printed out. Keep the printouts somewhere safe, in a sealed envelope marked with a dull title so no curious little eyes see it. I say this because a fuckwit is perfectly capable of swanning back in later, and claiming he was banned from seeing DS despite desperately wanting to - and if DS ever tracks him down in future, I would put money on that being the story. Ex won't care about the emotional harm that version will cause DS, in undermining his faith in the love and selflessness of the parent who actually gave a crap.

I also hope you are claiming child support. The fucker should be paying for his child, even if he's not human enough to care for him.

for you and your child.

Sorry about typos.

You are right coulduse he needs to be told so he isn't waiting for a visit.

By the way I am sorry if I am a bit disjointed and I know I'm not answering everyone.
Just a bit in shock and watching my DS watching Elf and he is so happy I just feel like the biggest shit because I have to ruin everything at some point.

His dad is such a bastard, I hate him. I gave him so many chances and put up with so much crap from him so that my DS wouldn't miss out and he goes and does this. Absolute prick. He is a wanker and I hope his dick turns green and falls off.

Obviously I can't say that out loud because I make sure I never say anything bad about him in front of DS so it's nice to get it out here.

i dont think his father should tell him probably doesn't have the heart to tell him in the right/best way he can. not tht there can be a right way as such.

someone up thread said to let it fizzle out. i think thats what i would do. ah but then again he is 6 and already asks questions. its a hard one op ((hugs))

The poor little guy. Think one of the above posters hit the nail on the head don't be too final about it in case his dad comes out of the woodwork in years to come and lands the whole thing at your feet. Go down the gentle 'some people struggle to be parents' route and 'it doesn't mean he doesn't love you' etc. Be careful not to criticize his dad, however much he deserves it! Remember kids grow up and make up their own minds about things so long as your son knows you tried to maintain contact between them then it's for his dad to answer those questions in years to come.

Oh, that is heartbreaking for your little lad. I have no comprehension of how someone can just shut their child out of their lives. Utter utter bastard.

The one thing is, your son has a fantastic mum and that will go some way to making up for his absent sperm doner.

The one thing i would say is that don't say that his dad doesn't want to visit anymore. Just say he is unable to do so but that no, it doesn't look like that will change. Does he live closeby? What a coward he is. Your DS is better off without him actually.

Maybe have a fun activity planned for after telling him so that he doesn't have too much time to dwell.

Bastard, sorry, but i am seething on your behalf.

OP I would say that his dad was having a difficult time emotionally. He's not ill but he needs time to himself and and no-one knows how much time but he will definitely not be seeing him for probably a long time.

Tell him it's not anything that he did, or said, or didn't do or say it is just something that happens sometimes and adults can find it very difficult to cope with. Reassure him that you're not going anywhere. Say something like, lucky for me I've had a check up and I'm fine, or something child friendly that he will understand.

Would it be possible for him to write letters to his dad which you could forward via his family? Does he have a photograph of him?

I would say that it's really impotant to tell his school because they can keep an extra eye on him and give him support if he needs it. He is likely to talk about it to staff (these things have a habit of just popping out) and it will be better for him to do that rather than holding it inside.

Also, ask the school if they have any nuture groups, emotional literacy support workers or any other way that they could help him come to terms with what is, essentially, grief at the loss of a loved one.

I wouldn't tell him during the holidays as someone suggested because school is part of his daily routine, it's a safe environment where he will feel comfortable and where you can access more support for him. But booking a trip for a few weeks ahead might give him something to look forward to and focus on.

Excellent advice from sleeponeday, particularly with regards to keeping a paper trail.

There's every chance in years to come, something changes and ex will lie to his son's face about why he couldn't see him, to make him appear less of a shit parent.

Teenagers particularly can be susceptible to subtle manipulation by absent parents so keep the evidence and don't let him ever get away with blaming you for his fuckwittery behaviour.

Why not ask your ex to write to your DS?
Then you can look at the letter first to assess what he writes and you can keep it for when he wants to read it?

Also will back up your side if he ever wanders back with a "You made things difficult" line.

Would it be a really really bad idea to tell him he has had to move to Australia? I genuinely don't know if that would make it easier because then the lack of contact could be put down to that, rather than him just being a bad person. It will be so hurtful because behind all the "not good at being a daddy" or "being a bad grown up" is the inevitable link that DS is somehow at the root of it, whereas perhaps a white lie would remove responsibility?

I def agree that he should tell him himself but he sounds too much of a weakling to do that.

Oh absolutely, I doubt that any "father" who could do this wouldn't be able to tell his son in an acceptable way.

Not that there is one of course!

But here's the OP stressing & struggling with something that shouldn't directly be her problem, although of course there would be no getting around the result of it for her son.

I think it might be best to let it fizzle perhaps making excuses for him at first & then after a while that you don't know as he hasn't been in contat?

Or is that also too harsh?

Family support workers at primary level work across several schools, usually. They are sort of a cross between a counsellor, a social worker and a good friend for the child and family. They really do support. Your DS needs that. I would really, really recommend you talk to the school abour a referral - this is so painful for you, as well as him, and an outside extra person who is expert at painful family situations would be a godsend, I think. This is precisely why the role exists, this sort of situation.

Iguana I think that is a bad idea. What if OP's DS wants to Skype? What if the Dad comes back on the scene? Won't the DS possibly feel that he's not special enough or loved enough to stop his dad going half way round the world?

I really think a softer version of the truth is the kindest in the long run. And the easiest to adjust if circumstances change.

This has made me really sad. I am so sorry OP, your poor little boy, thank God he has a wonderful Mum. I agree with Sleep about the school and family support worker. We have one and she's wonderful. They can also look at offering drawing therapy which might be useful for your little one as he is going to have a lot to come to terms with.

I wish I could tell you what to say, I just can't think of the words. Just hearbreaking

I wouldn't say anything your de can hold onto like Australia. It's likely to become bigger in his mind and something he holds on to. When I'm older I'll find him there or realise in time that you can contact people overseas so why hasn't he.

I'd probably avoid the grown up line too.

He's not going to be around for a while - but then why will be next, I know. Is away for work terrible?

Do you know why his Dad is doing this? New woman on the scene, new baby? Or is he a failed rock star who has decided that parenthood is just not cool enough for him?

Either way he is a complete ASSHOLE.

Sorry, not helpful.

I agree you have to tell your DS, gently but with finality. I don't think the "fizzle out" approach would work when it is a parent involved. A friend, an uncle, yes maybe but not when it's his deadbeat dad.

I also agree on family support to negotiate a very tricky and hard message to give.

Yes at some point it will have to be faced. But see if you can get support.

You're probably right. Telling a 6 year old his daddy doesn't want to see him anymore is right up there with the shittiest things a parent has to say. And about the worst thing a 6 year old could hear. Is honesty always the best policy

I think I would have the conversation rather than letting things fizzle out. Kids understand much more than we give them credit for. When I was a bit old than your DS my parents separated. My dad took a job working away and we went to visit him at the weekend or he'd come to see us on a Sunday. My parents never came out and said that they had separated - they thought we'd get used to him not being around during the week then gradually understand that he wasn't ever coming back. The thing is we knew they had been fighting, were fairly sure he wasn't coming back but felt we couldn't ask or talk about it. It was so confusing. Eventually they had a screaming argument about who should tell us about the split (which we clearly heard) which was awful but also a relief. At least we knew what was going on and could talk to them about it.

As tough as the talk will be I'm sure your DS will appreciate knowing the truth and feel he can talk to you. Good luck!

Do not lie to him OP, if he ever finds out you lied his trust in you will be shattered.

Tell him the truth but in a way that doesn't bad mouth his dad or imply that your ds is anyway to blame.

Think about what you want to be clear about

1. His dad has gone, possibly for good but things might change.

2. It's not him, it's to do with his dad not being able to manage his emotions.

3. It's still possible for his dad to love him and for him to love his dad without actually seeing each other.

4. This is something that happens in families sometimes, he is not the only one.

5. You are not going anywhere.

Keep it factual. He might not even show much outward interest or emotion initially but be prepared for him to come back and ask more. In fact, tell him that if he has any questions, you'll try to answer them.

If you can't think of what to say on the spot, tell him that you're not sure but you will try and find the answer for him and come back to him. Just be honest. Good luck.