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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that DH's Aunt cannot come for Christmas.

101 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 16/10/2015 18:53

I know its early, but the sooner its all sorted out the better.

We only ever see great aunt at Christmas. She comes on Christmas afternoon with MIL. She stays with PIL over the holidays.

We have an Autistic son. He doesn't particularly like Christmas at the best of times. He hates wrapped presents. She brings wrapped gifts despite the fact he gets really upset and despite us asking several times for her not to. She has a dog which DS hates, she brings it despite us asking her not to, and because we don't have anywhere to put it it has to come in the house. This causes massive upset for DS. She also always brings a stupid bloody Christmas CD which she manages to get on every year, when DH and I are busy (normally calming down an already fractious DS).

I just cant do it again this year. It ruins my Christmas. DH agrees but says its a bit mean, because she is old and set in her ways. FIL is furious and says she wont come without his Dsis.

We have tried dealing with it but every year she always says 'Its my Christmas too, he will be fine if he gets used to it' or something as stupid. Because I don't want to upset DS even more we have never rowed about it (it would turn into a row, however calm we tried to keep it).

Am I being mean to not invite her?

OP posts:
Scoobydoo8 · 16/10/2015 21:10

Auntie might last another 30 years (or more) - so by the end of it DS will never have had the type of Xmas he would enjoy.

captaincake · 16/10/2015 21:15

She thinks it's fine to ruin Christmas for a child because it's her Christmas too. Yes she's right it is her Christmas too - so she can bloody well go and celebrate it how she wishes somewhere else.

AnemonesCloser · 16/10/2015 21:19

My aged aunt prides herself on being very progressive.

She likes to loudly tell people that she's 'not one of those old biddies. I've been to a gay marriage you know!' and then in case not everyone within 20 feet heard her she'll bellow 'YES, A GAY MARRIAGE MARY. LOVELY SPREAD SO IT WAS'.

WeAllHaveWings · 16/10/2015 21:31

We don't have MIL at Xmas because she ruins it for us with her behaviour which always results in a row. YANBU, you have so few years with them at Xmas as children treasure every one of them and have them the way you want.

AnyoneButAndre · 16/10/2015 21:34

The "probably has a touch of dementia" poster was kidding, Unexpected. The clue was when she said "only kidding"

I'm a pushover so I'd say she could come but the dog will not pass our threshold, and will be left on the street if brought, and she will be greeted at the door while DS is elsewhere and frisked for presents - any with wrapping paper on will be stripped. The CD I'd let pass unless it's a specific problem to DS because I'm desensitised to sound.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/10/2015 21:46

Sounds like someone's been laying guilt trips on DH. He needs to rearrange his perspective and get guilty about the suffering of his son, for whom he is responsible, not his father's sister, for whom he is not. Consideration for her by all means where possible, but in a direct clash between the child and the self-centred old bat adult the child's needs (not mere preference in this case) must come first. Not aunty's bloody dog. I see a couple of people have suggested the in-laws only come on certain pre-agreed conditions, but the OP said they've spoken about it in previous years and the conditions have been ignored. It's much easier to not extend the invite in the first place than to turn away a bunch of elderly relatives (with or without dog) on the doorstep in the middle of winter, let alone Christmas!

I must say I am pleasantly surprised that this thread has got to 4 pages without someone saying YABU without tongue in cheek (hope I haven't cross-posted with some). Some people just can't see beyond "in her 70s"...

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 16/10/2015 23:16

That'll teach me to skim read Grin

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 17/10/2015 00:43

I quite like the idea of unwrapped presents.

Far better for the environment.

NannyOggsHedgehogs · 17/10/2015 08:16

The thing is, she is welcome. If she makes the effort to respect the op's house.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 17/10/2015 08:30

YANBU. And I know you're trying to be kind, but her age really isn't an excuse. When you said elderly and set in her ways, I thought you meant like 90. My parents are in their 70's and would never behave like this. DS doesn't even have any additional needs, but if I were to host Christmas, they'd pretty much fall in line with what was happening here

hiddenhome2 · 17/10/2015 08:31

Please do what you need to do for your household. Don't feel obligated. You're entitled to have some peace and for your son to feel settled.

I did donkeys years of 'Obligation Christmasses' and hated every minute. I totally resent all those people for wasting my time and causing me such stress.

Don't give in. The old dear will get over it.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 17/10/2015 08:39

The needs of your child far outweigh the wishes of an adult. You've given her the chance to adapt and she hasn't. YANBU.

Original poster
IsabellaofFrance · 17/10/2015 08:45

Thank you everyone.

I have spoken to DH this morning and we have agreed we are going to say no. DH has suggested that we meet his family on Christmas Eve so he is going to float the idea today.

It wont go down well but I am sick of Christmas being ruined, plus this year is the first year that I think DS might actually be excited for Christmas, and understand what it is a little bit.

OP posts:
Squashybanana · 17/10/2015 08:46

Don't your other kids mind not having wrapped presents or decorations? I have a child with autism too and I wouldn't accommodate completely like this, I would provide his gifts unwrapped and my nt kids would get theirs wrapped if that is how they like it, we would let autistic DS leave the room for the unwrapping if he couldn't deal with it, and do a 'show' session afterwards, once all traces of paper had been removed. I assume it's a sensory thing, not liking the ripping sensation? Or does the hiddenness of the gift make him anxious? I don't see why no-one should have a wrapped gift....
Having said that, I wouldn't want someone bringing a dog to my house without permission. I don't see a Christmas CD as a crime....my kids put all sorts of shit music on and I just let it wash over me. But your house, your rules, I agree...

CrumbledFeta · 17/10/2015 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoMilkNoSugar · 17/10/2015 09:22

'Let DS leave the room for the unwrapping' doesn't that defeat the purpose of a enclusive family Christmas? Yes, two other children don't have presents hidden, but they will be excited at new toys and have their sibling with them. The thought of a child sitting alone at the other side of the door listening to all the oohs and ah's sounds as much fun as having great aunt over for dinner.

CreviceImp · 17/10/2015 09:28

I agree with Squashy. I have a child with autism too and the needs of other children need equal consideration. Yes, allowances have to be made (and siblings of non-neurotypical children have to make more than their fair share of compromises) but that works both ways and how the day is organised probably needs a rethink.I think getting them all involved in making decorations for instance and familiar with the build-up can help desensitise those who struggle. Maybe the focus this year could be having decorations and wrapping paper and seeing if without the added pressure of guests to contend with they cope better? I do understand the instinct to minimise conflict but it doesn't always serve an autistic child well who needs to be given opportunities to adapt.

With respect to the aunt and FIL - you have enough on your plate and they do sound hard work. Just say your child's changing development means they need a low key Christmas this year and that you won't be hosting.

LadyLuck81 · 17/10/2015 09:32

I was all set to say 'include her, just a day, etc etc' from the title then read your post.

YANBU. Your house, your family, your kids. If she can't listen to basic requests to make your son comfortable in his home then don't have her over.

CreviceImp · 17/10/2015 09:34

The need for a 'family' Christmas with everyone gathered round is more about the needs of everyone else than the autistic person who would probably be far happier having some space and enjoying their new gifts on their own for a bit without the added pressure of a room full of people and noise of other children.

It's difficult.

Damselindestress · 17/10/2015 09:41

YANBU. It's your home and you don't have to take in her dog or tolerate her behaviour if you don't want to. The idea of an adult blithely saying "it's my Christmas too" while doing things she knows spoil Christmas for a special needs child is disgusting, frankly. Your DS enjoying Christmas in his own home is more important than pandering to an entitled, unwanted guest.

Squashybanana · 17/10/2015 09:48

Nomilk....the point is, my ds, being autistic, wouldn't be sitting outside the door wishing he was being included. He is moderately interested in his own gifts and not at all interested in the shared joy of seeing someone else open their presents. He would be given the option to stay for unwrapping, not forcibly removed. As Creviceimp says, nt sibs have to compromise enough. I don't think adapting everything around 1 child is fully inclusive.To entirely modify aspects of Christmas that nt kids particularly enjoy (decorations, presents all wrapped up under the tree) for the benefit of 1 child isn't the way I would do it, I would try to find a middle path. And desensitisation gradually is often the way to go.
Anyway this is beside the point of the original thread. Op I try to avoid MIL coming over at Christmas because she doesn't understand the autisticness (for want of a better word) of DS, she gets huffy at his failure to show appropriate gratitude for things, but doesn't understand that it is her prickliness and irritation that makes it so hard for DS to speak at all to her, let alone high pressure words such as thankyou. She told me once that he is only the way he is because I mollycoddle him and she doesn't like him much. I didn't know that mollycoddling could cause autism....so I empathise entirely with not wanting an atmosphere at Christmas.

Original poster
IsabellaofFrance · 17/10/2015 13:02

The problem is, once a year isn't enough to desensitize DS.

The other DC's understand DS's difficulties and their benefits (meeting Mr Tumble, being involved in really cool trips through DS's special school). They understand that we have to change things to help DS and they are happy to do this because they love him. DD, who is younger, knows absolutely no different, and DS1 who has Dyspraxia, understands what it is like to be different.

OP posts:
CrapBag · 17/10/2015 20:58

I can't believe the nerve of her to turn up to someone else's home with a fecking dog! Ok I'm allergic but even if I wasn't, no dog would be coming into my home. It can stay at home or if she can't bear that then she can stay at home with it.

Tough tits if ILs don't like it, what is the matter with GUESTS, do they not understand the concept of being in someone else's home so they don't get the make all the rules? It never fails to amaze me on here.

Topseyt · 17/10/2015 21:08

If she must come to you, remove the fuse from the plug of the cd player, then pretend it has broken down when she can't get it to work.

She should be more accepting of your requests. Or she should remain at PIL's house, and you can pay a brief visit when or if it suits your family.

headexplodesbodyfreezes · 17/10/2015 21:10

It depends how conciliatory you want to be.

It wouldn't actually be that hard to remove wrapping paper from DS's gift before he is given it and tell PIL beforehand that the dog can't come in the house and they can either leave it at home or in the car. Then you are just left with the Christmas CD which, although annoying, is actually a bit petty and could just be removed from the CD player in about 10 sec.

On the other hand, if you just don't like her its fine to say no.