To say that DH's Aunt cannot come for Christmas.

[IsabellaofFrance]

I know its early, but the sooner its all sorted out the better.

We only ever see great aunt at Christmas. She comes on Christmas afternoon with MIL. She stays with PIL over the holidays.

We have an Autistic son. He doesn't particularly like Christmas at the best of times. He hates wrapped presents. She brings wrapped gifts despite the fact he gets really upset and despite us asking several times for her not to. She has a dog which DS hates, she brings it despite us asking her not to, and because we don't have anywhere to put it it has to come in the house. This causes massive upset for DS. She also always brings a stupid bloody Christmas CD which she manages to get on every year, when DH and I are busy (normally calming down an already fractious DS).

I just cant do it again this year. It ruins my Christmas. DH agrees but says its a bit mean, because she is old and set in her ways. FIL is furious and says she wont come without his Dsis.

We have tried dealing with it but every year she always says 'Its my Christmas too, he will be fine if he gets used to it' or something as stupid. Because I don't want to upset DS even more we have never rowed about it (it would turn into a row, however calm we tried to keep it).

Am I being mean to not invite her?

YANBU. She's not old, she's rude. Let the rest of the family have her for Christmas (personally, I'll be having turkey - sorry, I had to get that one in!)

It's your house, your rules.

Bringing the dog is impertinent (and I say that as a dog lover), wrapping presents when you've been requested not to for good reason is thoughtless, insisting on your choice of music is selfish. I don't care if you're 75, it doesn't mean that normal rules of guest etiquette don't apply! She doesn't seem to care that her great-nephew's Christmas is being marred by her behaviour. Terrible.

Another YANBU here, looks unanimous! I would not invite any of them.

Yanbu at all. We don't have anyone over on Xmas day as my dd (also with autism) struggles so much with it. She wouldn't be setting foot in my house, and her age isn't an excuse for her ignorance, our neighbours are both over 70 and they are the most understanding people I know-really fantastic with her.
If your dh and pil won't stand up for your son do it yourself, unwrap the presents when they arrive, tell them the dog will have to stay outside and turn off the cd at the first opportunity you have and when she says 'it's my Christmas too' remind her she is a guest in your house and if she wants to remain so she will do her upmost to make it a pleasant experience for everyone-your child included or she can do one.

YANBU - just have your family Christmas, no visitors. You have done your fair share, now you need to put DS first. If they can't understand that, then i would be sorely tempted to tell them to bugger off.

Enjoy the Gruffalo in peace!!

YANBU. Definitely fine for you to put your foot firmly down.

From what you say, it sounds like it would be a blessed relief to have a year off from the lot of them.

Your DH is wrong to say that it is mean. Or at least, if there is any mean-ness, it is from aunt and PIL, who don't appear to care about the genuine suffering of their young grandson/nephew.

DH needs to buck his ideas up and get on the side of you and his son. Come on MrofFrance!

Time to dust off that well-worn MN phrase of "I'm afraid that doesn't work for us" to anything other than something that is not going to spoil your family's day.

I think I'd tell FIL that if he is so insistent that she come he has to speak to her in advance and tell her very plainly:

No wrapped gifts
No dog

I'd say that this is her last chance, if she breaks the rules this time no invite next year.

That makes the situation very clear to everyone and gives them plenty of warning for next year.

Families are so difficult.

It's very rare I suggest telling people to go fuck themselves but in this case I think you should do that. There is no way I would be putting up with this year in year out. It's all very well her saying it's her Christmas too but seriously she's showing up at someone else's home to be fed and entertained presumably, she really shouldn't be adding unnecessary stress to her hosts much less their child/ren. She sounds like someone who "doesn't believe" in autism to be honest.

Op the ILs and aunt can have the Christmas they want in ILs home and you and your family would have a much better one without them.

Revoke the invite for all of them, and have a nice time doing whatever makes your ds happy.

The dog thing is just plain weird. I love dogs; but anyone attempting to bring one with them to stay for Christmas would never cross my doorstep again.

What an arse of a woman!

Regardless of her views on autism you don't take your dog to someone else's house when asked not to/ impose your music choice in someone else's house/ generally be a twat when you are a guest.

Ultimatum time:

1. No wrapped presents
2. No dog -> kennels
3. No CD

Those are your terms. Specific agreement required before invitation extended. No solemn undertaking, no Christmas for aunty.

I too have a ds on the spectrum, and regardless of how people behave, if it's too much for him to cope with in his own house, they are simply not invited back. I understand your difficulty of "being stuck in her ways", but this is your child, they come first !!

Perhaps a straight talk to explain her actions, and her lack of support might help, it's something we had to do (numerous times)

Good luck x

Being in your 70s isn't old, so that is no excuse for being rude, arrogant and insensitive.

YANBU.

Ahem.... It's Stickman this Christmas

(Totally off topic but DC2 v excited and can't wait!!)

My parents and MIL are all in their 70s and very happy to be flexible and adapt themselves to fit in with the younger members of the family.

I agree with everyone else who says FIL and his sister do their own thing - maybe meet up on Boxing day if you can bear it.

Don't invite her. Say last year didn't work so this year you're going to try X. If DS's disability is magicked away, you'll reconsider in the future.

yanbu.

i dont know who the fuck she thinks she is coming into your house as a guest and dictating how things be done, especially when it upsets a child who actually lives there and has no where else to go.

Great aunt can play her CD and pils.

Enjoy Stickman and unwrapped presents and low stress Christmas

She can shove her Christmas CD up your outraged FIL's jacksie.

YANBU. Your DS needs are your priority, not your DH aunt!

My mum and PIL are in their 70s. They would never in a million years behave like this. It's. Itching to so with her age- she's just a selfish cow!

Age has nowt to do with it.

The woman is an arse. End of.

Sorry! That should be-- it's got nothing to do with her age.

YANBU.

Your home is DS' refuge from the world. Anyone visiting needs to be doing things to follow the 'rules' of your home. I don't give a shiny shit whether that person agrees with them or not, they either abide by your rules (no wrapped presents, no dog, no CD etc.) or they don't visit.

DS1 is also autistic. He is 18 now and manages a lot better with this type of thing than he once did but I still wouldn't invite people into my (and thereby his) home on Christmas Day who were going to do everything they could to make him uncomfortable.

See, this is a double win!!! you tell the outlaws - great, you stay at yours and have a lovely christmas and enjoy christmas with your DS.