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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say that DH's Aunt cannot come for Christmas.

101 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 16/10/2015 18:53

I know its early, but the sooner its all sorted out the better.

We only ever see great aunt at Christmas. She comes on Christmas afternoon with MIL. She stays with PIL over the holidays.

We have an Autistic son. He doesn't particularly like Christmas at the best of times. He hates wrapped presents. She brings wrapped gifts despite the fact he gets really upset and despite us asking several times for her not to. She has a dog which DS hates, she brings it despite us asking her not to, and because we don't have anywhere to put it it has to come in the house. This causes massive upset for DS. She also always brings a stupid bloody Christmas CD which she manages to get on every year, when DH and I are busy (normally calming down an already fractious DS).

I just cant do it again this year. It ruins my Christmas. DH agrees but says its a bit mean, because she is old and set in her ways. FIL is furious and says she wont come without his Dsis.

We have tried dealing with it but every year she always says 'Its my Christmas too, he will be fine if he gets used to it' or something as stupid. Because I don't want to upset DS even more we have never rowed about it (it would turn into a row, however calm we tried to keep it).

Am I being mean to not invite her?

OP posts:

KnockMeDown · 16/10/2015 20:11

It's her Christmas too

Err, No!! Christmas is for kids!

Let her have her dog and her Xmas CD, at HER house

You arrange your Christmas to suit the people that matter most - your DC.

Allalonenow · 16/10/2015 20:12

YANBU!
Don't invite any of them, tell them you are having a small family Christmas without them. DO NOT make any promises about future Christmas plans either.

The dog alone would drive me nuts.

YakTriangle · 16/10/2015 20:13

Of course she should come, she's family, and I'm sure her dog is super... No, I can't do it, there's no way to play devils advocate on this.

It sounds dreadful and I am agog that anyone would go to somebody else's house at Christmas and deliberately make it unpleasant for their hosts by ignoring reasonable requests. Yanbu at all.

NannyOggsHedgehogs · 16/10/2015 20:14

She's not old and set in her ways. She's rude and selfish. My 94yo gran can manage a bit of consideration for dh's autistic niece!

Ragwort · 16/10/2015 20:14

Err, No!! Christmas is for kids!

Although I agree that the Aunt should not be invited to the Op's house for Christmas I don't agree with the attitude that 'Christmas is for kids' - does that mean that anyone over 18 doesn't have the right to celebrate Christmas ?

Allalonenow · 16/10/2015 20:16

Oh yes! The Aunt and the outlaws are grown up, and should be able to cope with disappointment.

What is best for your DS must take priority, and trump whatever they would like.

GwynethPaltrowIamNot · 16/10/2015 20:17

Agree with everyone , your son , home ,and rules
Your poor son , his anxiety level must be going through roof

Paintedhandprints · 16/10/2015 20:25

Yadnbu. Uninvite the lot of them. I wouldn't have a dog in the house at any time let alone Xmas! Dh needs to buck up and support his family.
But super excited about stickman animation. 18mo ds loves it. He even clutches the felt stickman off his gruffalo puppet in his sleep.

sleeponeday · 16/10/2015 20:32

This isn't about her age, it's about her selfishness. It may be "her Christmas too" but it isn't her house, she's a guest, and she is allegedly an adult. If your Christmas traditions are so unacceptable to her then she will need to find somewhere else to practice her own.

DS has autism too. My IL are no longer welcome at Christmas because my MIL was such a raging bitch last year, I won't risk my DS having to cope with the fallout ever again. DH never wanted her bloody well asked to start with - it took me weeks to persuade him. I wanted DS's grandparents there because he is so sad at how hard he finds social relationships, and kept talking about family, and I was hoping it would give him a sense of belonging and kinship, all the family being together at Christmas. Which, you know, in an ideal world would have been great.

Unfortunately that only works when none of the family are utterly self-absorbed. Your aunt, like my MIL, have had their chances and blown them. Now they can sort out their own damn Christmasses, so they don't hurt our kids, ruining theirs.

elfycat · 16/10/2015 20:32

YABU, she's older and probably has a touch of dementia. Also if she doesn't have DC's she might not understand autism.

only kidding, but I thought I'd join Yak in the devil's advocate thing before someone comes on telling you that YABU for not putting yourselves out more.

YANBU she sounds awful, selfish and self-important. Tell the in-laws to go do one. My FIL refused to come to our wedding if his mother wasn't invited to the day (very long journeys involved and she was elderly, frail and in pain most of the time. No grandparents were invited but he didn't give a stuff about my grandmother or his own MIL). I called him out on it and funny enough he came (though he did sulk).

Have a Christmas with people you want to. Your DS should be part of a Christmas that brings you all joy, not distress and uninvited dogs.

Oh stickman? Really? Excited now

2rebecca · 16/10/2015 20:34

If aunt refuses to comply with reasonable requests of kennel for dog and no wrapping and PIL won't come without aunt then PIL host aunt and you have a smaller xmas.
I'm not getting the problem. You don't have to do the same thing every year, no-one is being left on their own.
People are invited to your house if they understand the concept of being a guest in someone else's house.

2rebecca · 16/10/2015 20:38

Must admit though I love presents being wrapped and probably wouldn't want to spend every Christmas in a household with no wrapping paper but would just accept that it's my choice to do something else. If I chose to visit a house where I was requested not to bring wrapped presents then they wouldn't be wrapped.

Dismalfuckers · 16/10/2015 20:41

YANBU. See people who just want to be unreasonable fuckers and do their own thing, hell mend them.

Feel no guilt, she is being unreasonable, not you. Christmas is for your children to enjoy. That's it.

2rebecca · 16/10/2015 20:42

Agree Christmas is for everyone. When your kids get older Christmas can be more enjoyable with no early morning waking and all presents unwrapped in half an hour and the rampant consumerism.
I think parents of young kids forget how pleasant non-small kid orientated Christmases can be.

yorkshapudding · 16/10/2015 20:44

It's "her Christmas too"? She sounds like a spoilt child. What kind of person refuses to moderate their behavior just a little bit to avoid making a young lad with SN feel uncomfortable in his own home on Christmas day?
Even if your son didn't have ASD, insisting on bringing your dog to someone's house when you've specifically been asked not to is the height of rudeness. I agree with pp that this is not a generational issue, she's just an unpleasant person.
I would seriously be putting my foot down on this one. Who cares if your FIL throws a strop? It's not his place to say who is and isn't welcomed into your home and if he can't appreciate the importance of reducing his Grandsons anxiety at an already anxious time then he's just as much of a twat as she is.

overthemill · 16/10/2015 20:48

I think YANBU but if you can't get away with her staying away maybe allow your DS to go somewhere in the house quietly away from everyone else? A safe zone where he can relax. But definitely NO DOG

cowssheephens · 16/10/2015 20:51

Your DS has one childhood, please don't let her ruin another Christmas. Speaking as a Mum of a DD with AS. It was only last year (first time in 12 years) we let my Dparents come for and hour and then they were then sent on their way! No way you can let her do this again to your DS.

amarmai · 16/10/2015 20:55

I am amazed at how many mners allow their xmases to be ruined by relatives. WHY??

DartmoorDoughnut · 16/10/2015 20:56

Don't invite her, you're def not being unreasonable!

TendonQueen · 16/10/2015 20:58

Can't see why you have to consider her feelings but she doesn't have to consider yours or your DS's. Tell her she has ignored your polite requests repeatedly and so you won't be inviting visitors who do that anymore.

moosemama · 16/10/2015 21:04

I would make the break and have a quiet family Christmas with just you, dh and ds. My eldest has ASD and we did this a few years ago. We were very unpopular, but stuck to our guns and now everyone is used to it. We go to PILs on Christmas Eve and my parents come round for an hour in the morning.

Prior to that we used to have to try and get round to both families on Christmas Day and both wanted us to have Christmas dinner with them, so we'd end up eating twice. Trying to keep everyone happy was exhausting for us and distressing for ds, who would then struggle for the rest of the holiday (and actually for the weeks leading up to it with increasing anxiety as well). So, when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and ds2 was not long out of hospital with pneumonia Christmas we told them we were staying home and having a quiet Christmas that year. Then just braced ourselves for the fall out. Best thing we ever did and we've had lovely quiet, low-key Christmasses at home ever since. It's the first time, making that break with tradition that's the hard bit.

We were definitely the bad guys for a while, but since then, both sets of parents have enjoyed lovely grown up Christmas Dinner at nice restaurants and Christmas holidays and have come to realise that it's still a lovely day and they still get to see their grandchildren open their presents.

Fluffyears · 16/10/2015 21:05

Fight fire with fire. Take the fuse out of the plug on the CD player 'yes strange it doesn't work but it has been playing up recently' take the presents straight away and unwrap them then her efforts are wasted. If the dog comes say she cannot come with the dog and will have to take it back home. Do not let her cross you threshold with the dog it is your home and you have the right to deny admission

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 16/10/2015 21:08

"Probably has a touch of dementia" that's the most tenuous armchair diagnosis I've ever read. What a pile of crap. You don't need to be senile to act like an arsehole.

ohtheholidays · 16/10/2015 21:09

YANBU and she can sod off and so can FIL! We have 5DC and two of our children are autistic and everyone that knows knows that are children come first.

I have to say though OP the aunts age is not a valid exscuse for her behavior no matter what she or the PIL's think.My Dad is nearly 80 seriously ill and now has dementia but he gets autism and so did my Mum and she was in her late 70's when we lost her.

Both of my parents have always adored all of our children and they'd always been paticularly protective of our DS and DD that are autistic.

luciferswench · 16/10/2015 21:10

Tell her if its her Christmas too to bloody well have it at her own house and leave you to enjoy your day just as you do as its your Christmas also.
WTF is wrong with people just lately why cant they just fuck off and stop making others miserable.

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