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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WWYD? Xmas family do and christian extremists, now a guilt trip!

67 replies

MySordidCakeSecret · 16/10/2015 10:19

I said after last year that was it, I wouldn't attend the boxing day get together of my extended family again. But now the guilt tripping's begun, and I knew this would happen. I feel bad and I don't know if i;m making the right decision.

My extended family are all part of a subsect of christianity i doubt any of you will have heard of. But it's pretty extreme, thing no marriage outside the religion, against homosexuality, against being "part of the world" and then recently my childhood "meeting" as it's called split up because a couple of divorcees wanted to join, and half said they wouldn't break bread with divorced people.

So that's the context. I always enjoyed the get together as a child. Often it was the only time of the yr i saw my extended family, but then again as a child i was indoctrinated brought up within the religion so that didn't bother me. Now I'm an adult with my own children it's a different story.

Last year was hell. Some relatives were downright rude, pushed religion onto my children, i was given no choice but to participate in their religious activities and then sat though comments which made me so seething angry i left without saying goodbye. It makes me deeply uncomfortable because of my experiences. Last yr as well I was going through a police report of a historic sexual abuse, but because the offender was part of the religion, i was told by family there was no need to tell police, they could sit me and him in a room and talk about it (wtf?) and given no support.

My aunt who i'm close to was fine about it, until this morning i've recieved numerous text messages. Saying about tolerance and love, jesus etc. Told that i should do it for my children because she doesn't like it but she does it for them and my deceased mum etc.

So I'm nbu right? sure my children are young enough for religious things to go over my head but is it really worth enduring that?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 16/10/2015 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hoppinggreen · 16/10/2015 10:23

I would have nothing to do with this cult, what you should be doing for your children is protecting them from it.

UncertainSmile · 16/10/2015 10:24

What a bunch of lunatics. No way should you feel guilty for keeping away from them.

MySordidCakeSecret · 16/10/2015 10:26

thank you, yes i believe so. They don't see the damage it's caused, not even after my cousin went nc after violence due their beliefs.

It's hard sometimes to keep perspective because it's literally the majority of my family. Sometimes i forget how crazy it all really is.

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ImperialBlether · 16/10/2015 10:27

Are you mad? Let them get on with it and have a lovely Christmas without them.

WorraLiberty · 16/10/2015 10:27

They sound deeply unlikeable.

I would want nothing at all to do with them.

roundandroundthehouses · 16/10/2015 10:28

are these the Brethren?

I'd give yourself a break for a year. Sounds like you've been through a lot, and I know how oppressive these things can be. You can be tolerant and loving without putting yourself through what honestly sounds like a form of trauma. I'm appalled at their attitude to your sexual abuse in the past. That is not the behaviour of a loving family.

I have no doubt that your aunt loves you, but she has also been raised in that religion, which even if it isn't the one I'm thinking of sounds very similar indeed. I have a relative who stayed in a physically abusive relationship for years and was shunned by many when she finally got the guts to leave the fucker. And she still feels so ashamed of herself. Her family, by the way, were perfectly prepared to lie - even though that's a sin - about the reason for the split.

Your aunt chooses to go along with it even though she doesn't like it - that is up to her. But you are under no obligation to make the same choice. And 'doing it for your mother' - I just can't go along with the idea of putting yourself through pain for the sake of a person who isn't here any more. I know how hard this must be for you. Flowers

roundandroundthehouses · 16/10/2015 10:29

When I say 'for a year' by the way, what I actually mean is ALL the years. But one year at a time might be an easier thing for you to do.

MySordidCakeSecret · 16/10/2015 10:29

They're Christadelphians. A dying breed and rightly so.

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NotTodaySatan · 16/10/2015 10:30

A teenage boy was murdered yesterday in the US when he tried to leave his church.

Do not engage with these damaged and damaging people.

roundandroundthehouses · 16/10/2015 10:32

Let them get on with it, OP. I hope you have many good friends outside of this religion. I know how these things can be 'normalised' when you've grown up amongst them.

MySordidCakeSecret · 16/10/2015 10:33

I have a relative who stayed in a physically abusive relationship for years and was shunned by many when she finally got the guts to leave the fucker. And she still feels so ashamed of herself. Her family, by the way, were perfectly prepared to lie - even though that's a sin - about the reason for the split.

Thank you for your kind comment round, yes i feel awful for your relative as that happens a lot in CDs, you're often disfellowshipped for divorce. I hope she's in a happier place now. A lot of us ex members support each other in a group as we understand what it's like.

And yes it feels like that martry thing that comes up a lot, i think surely it's better to maintain you mental wellbeing and be happy. She knows i believe in tolerance, and i do. But i think it's very different if you have space than if you're stuck in a confined room.

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G1veMeStrength · 16/10/2015 10:35

I am what I'd like to think is a 'normal' C of E type. This is horrendous and not what 'my' god would want at all. You are doing the right thing in staying away. Much Flowers

roundandroundthehouses · 16/10/2015 10:41

You're right. Love and tolerance only have value when they're mutual, and freely given. I'm only sorry that your aunt doesn't understand that.

MySordidCakeSecret · 16/10/2015 10:44

Thank you G1veMe, I often point out that "normal" christians are strides ahead when it comes to love, compassion and equality, but they just much mock other christians because they consider them tainted by the world and not following scripture.

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Skiptonlass · 16/10/2015 10:46

Oh my. Christadelphians...

An old uni friend of mine grew up like this.

Their attitude to the molestation says it all - protect yourself and your children and stay away. There's no tolerance and love there, only fear and control.

Well done for breaking free.

HPsauciness · 16/10/2015 10:48

Wow, you absolutely should shield your children from this, if you are feeling stressed and traumatized (as well as ignored about the sexual abuse) imagine how they will feel? I don't think you can protect them from this at all, just as you weren't.

It's sad as I can tell you would like to stay in touch with your extended family, but I don't see you have much choice when they are so rigid in their ways. Could you just visit your aunt at another time?

Badders123 · 16/10/2015 10:57

Please don't subject your children to these people.

MySordidCakeSecret · 16/10/2015 10:57

Oh my. Christadelphians...

An old uni friend of mine grew up like this.

Yep, and the funny thing is my family are classed as "liberal" cds! because they're celebrating christmas at all!

I do see my aunt on her own quite regularly. She's a connection to my mum and we do get on well. I guess it's the family thing that makes me feel bad. Like my children should know where they come from etc. But you're right i think it's better to protect them from the religion. I did go to the summer bbq as there's lots of space there to get away from conversations and keep it to small talk.

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RoseWithoutAThorn · 16/10/2015 10:58

My extended family follow a religion with a similar outlook. I absolutely refuse to attend their "gatherings" and my children never attended them either. I can't ever forgive them for the way I was treated when I fell pregnant at 17. They basically disowned me and later in life decided that they would welcome me back "as I'd strayed from the path". I never went back as I didn't want my children growing up with the rubbish they spouted. If their gatherings make you uncomfortable OP don't go. I was also told I should "do it for your children". I preferred to protect my children from my family. Sounds like your a unit is trying emotional blackmail to get you to attend. Flowers

RoseWithoutAThorn · 16/10/2015 11:00

aunt not unit.

MySordidCakeSecret · 16/10/2015 11:00

in fact the neeting that split up due to divorcees was considered a very edgy, liberal meeting, because some women wore trousers on sundays, and not all men wore ties! But of course women's roles are still restricted to childcare and the kitchen, all the important stuff is men only Angry

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MySordidCakeSecret · 16/10/2015 11:03

that's awful rose, it's amazing the hidden suffering that happens due to these cults. I think the fea of repurcussions from family is the main reason why most of them stayed part of it, that and familiarity.

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MistressDeeCee · 16/10/2015 11:09

Eh? Why on earth would you go to such a tiresome event where you know people have views that will irritate, and don't even align with yours? & thats not even taking the religious thing into account Surely you can see your extended family elsewhere during the year?

People who just don't know how and when to say "NO" have a very wearing life..and that can impact upon their DCs too

MySordidCakeSecret · 16/10/2015 11:14

well this is the message i woke up to this morning:

I've been thinking about christmas and you not coming, for me i am sad as you are part of our family and we are all getting together. I totally understand why, but i feel xmas is all about tolerance and non-judgement. I personally ould be happy to cancel the whole thing every year and dread it, but then the kids would get no sense of family and belonging which i think is really important. I do it for them. I've had to tolerate family I don't get on with every year but i do it for your mum as i know she loved xmas and family and would want me to do it for you all. She used to insist on going to your dads family at xmas so that you could see them and know where you came from.
I will miss you round the table, you are important to me and the family love to see you and our children. I guess for me it's a big test on jesus words on love. xmas is not about me, not while i have kids anyway.

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