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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WWYD? Xmas family do and christian extremists, now a guilt trip!

67 replies

MySordidCakeSecret · 16/10/2015 10:19

I said after last year that was it, I wouldn't attend the boxing day get together of my extended family again. But now the guilt tripping's begun, and I knew this would happen. I feel bad and I don't know if i;m making the right decision.

My extended family are all part of a subsect of christianity i doubt any of you will have heard of. But it's pretty extreme, thing no marriage outside the religion, against homosexuality, against being "part of the world" and then recently my childhood "meeting" as it's called split up because a couple of divorcees wanted to join, and half said they wouldn't break bread with divorced people.

So that's the context. I always enjoyed the get together as a child. Often it was the only time of the yr i saw my extended family, but then again as a child i was indoctrinated brought up within the religion so that didn't bother me. Now I'm an adult with my own children it's a different story.

Last year was hell. Some relatives were downright rude, pushed religion onto my children, i was given no choice but to participate in their religious activities and then sat though comments which made me so seething angry i left without saying goodbye. It makes me deeply uncomfortable because of my experiences. Last yr as well I was going through a police report of a historic sexual abuse, but because the offender was part of the religion, i was told by family there was no need to tell police, they could sit me and him in a room and talk about it (wtf?) and given no support.

My aunt who i'm close to was fine about it, until this morning i've recieved numerous text messages. Saying about tolerance and love, jesus etc. Told that i should do it for my children because she doesn't like it but she does it for them and my deceased mum etc.

So I'm nbu right? sure my children are young enough for religious things to go over my head but is it really worth enduring that?

OP posts:
BYOSnowman · 16/10/2015 11:48

Surely the response is

Yes I too believe Christmas is about tolerance and non-judgement. That is why I have decided not to spend it with intolerant and judgemental people'

HopefulAnxiety · 16/10/2015 11:51

Aren't Christadelphians non-Trinitarian? So normal Christians wouldn't even consider them to be Christians.

Keep away. In an old church of mine (Anglican, on the conservative evangelical side) one of the retired clergy that used to lead services talked about a childhood friend of his who joined the Christadelphians, and how unpleasant and culty they were. Look after yourself and your kids and have a nice Christmas without them.

roundandroundthehouses · 16/10/2015 11:55

I'm really glad you aren't going, OP, and I wish you a lovely Christmas. You are absolutely right, for your own sake and also for your dc. Remember that these people think you are going to burn in hell. Even if you yourself are a 'lost cause', they will want to 'save' your children from the 'worldly' upbringing that you are giving them. They'll be grooming them to 'decide' when they're older to join the 'true faith'. You've got to protect them from all that, as you should have been protected.

squoosh · 16/10/2015 11:56

I like when it's an easy 'cut those crazies out of your life' scenario like this one.

MySordidCakeSecret · 16/10/2015 11:57

yes they are non trinitarian. I think they're most similar to JWs if you wanted a comparison.

OP posts:
roundandroundthehouses · 16/10/2015 11:58

And if they get them while they're young, they'll be all the more open to the emotional blackmail that is currently making you feel so bad. A 16 yr old with a normal upbringing is more likely to see them for what they are. A 6 yr old will remember lovely Aunty Alice who always gives them a big hug, and will want to make her happy.

MySordidCakeSecret · 16/10/2015 11:59

I'd love to never hear of them again, ever. But unfortunately my dad is one.

OP posts:
celtictoast · 16/10/2015 12:06

Have you replied to the text? Stand your ground in a polite but assertive way, and do not get drawn into emotional blackmail or arguments.

"Thank you for your message. Hope you all have a great time. See you in 2016!"

Goldmandra · 16/10/2015 12:13

Just consider how much stress and anxiety they have caused and are still causing you.

Would the benefits of knowing their heritage really outweigh the harm that being involved with this church could cause them? My guess would be no.

If your aunt really wants to see your children, invite her to join you for a meal with your children at a different time when there is no need for religion to be discussed at all. Make it clear that, if she starts pushing her beliefs and values onto your children on that occasion, it will be the last one.

Your aunt is wrong in her belief that you need to put up with this behaviour in order to maintain links with your family. You can take control and arrange contact on your terms. If they don't wish to participate on your terms, they will be the ones putting their beliefs before family ties, not you.

noeffingidea · 16/10/2015 12:17

No, you have nothing to feel guilty about ,OP. In fact you should feel proud to have broken free from this cult and made a safer happier life for your children.

quietbatperson · 16/10/2015 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suzannecaravaggio · 16/10/2015 13:14

just say no
dont give reasons or try to argue / debate with them
it's futile, if you challenge them they will just hold on to their world view more tightly

Happfeet2911 · 16/10/2015 13:18

Don't even think of going, they're a bunch of extremist lunatics. As for spending Boxing Day with them, I would rather stick pins in my eyes!!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/10/2015 13:21

Yanbu at all, they sound very toxic, and they are starting on your dc, noway. I would not be going there this Christmas.

Crosbybeach · 16/10/2015 14:12

Nah, I'd definitely have something else on. Like inviting my gay best mate round for Boxing Day tea. Then you could all Skype them..

MySordidCakeSecret · 16/10/2015 14:20

haha, i won't be going i'll enjoy the day at home with dp and kids

OP posts:
bungmean · 16/10/2015 16:15

Blimey, I wouldn't have a barge-pole long enough for this.
The only way to protect your children from this is to not have anything to do with your extended family, and to have strong ground-rules with your closer Christadelphian family.

I am impressed that you managed to extricate yourself from it without too much harm. You sound like you have a very wise head on your shoulders.

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