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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

re What I said to DD (13) re fundraising day outfit ...AIBU?

70 replies

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 09:12

dd1 is 13 and we have been struggling with her challenging behaviour lately.

today at school she as a 'wear pink for breast cancer' fundraising. she came down dressed in a carefully thought out outfit with NO pink in at all, but had given the tiny details of her outfit a lot of consideration so that it passed the 'cool' test.

i reminded her that it was pink day and that it was a fund raiser for a serious cause. she started ranting about how the 2 pink tops basically weren't stylish enough (bright pink vest and pale pink t shirt ) and refused to wear them. she got cross. i got cross. she clearly felt under pressure to look really cool AND wear pink at the same time and didn't think she could achieve this.

i am afraid to say that i shouted that it was pretty sad and pathetic if she cared so much about what others thought of her clothes that she couldn't even enter into the spirit of a fund raiser. she then said 'you are saying i am pathetic?' i said 'No...its a sad and pathetic state of affairs to be so obsessed with what others think of how we look that we can't look at the bigger picture and what this is really for'.

i also said that if she wouldn't wear any pink then she should go and put her uniform on. and that she'd have to pay the charity donation out of her pocket money if she didn't wear pink.

I feel really bad for being unkind. WIBVVU to say what i said? i know i reacted badly btw but it just hit a nerve as we are going throughout a very self centred teen phase atm.

OP posts:

Contraryish · 16/10/2015 09:14

Really? Surely the point is to donate the money, what you actually wear makes no odds.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 16/10/2015 09:15

At that age everything they do is thought through with friends and coolness in mind. What you said was harsh and there were better ways to make your point.

Sirzy · 16/10/2015 09:15

Tbh surely the donation is the more important part? Yes it's a bit self centrerd but probably not somehing worth battling over.

backwardpossom · 16/10/2015 09:16

No, YWNBU - I would have done exactly the same. If she was too cool to wear pink, she should wear her uniform. It's wear pink, not dress as you please.

ollieplimsoles · 16/10/2015 09:16

Hmm, I think I would have just let this slide op, I went to an all girls school and every non uniform day was a big competition who could look the coolest, it was always for a good cause but it was totally over shadowed by the chance to show off.

Could you have suggested see wear something pink in her hair or a some pink earrings or something?

73dexter · 16/10/2015 09:16

She's 13! Of course she wants to look cool! The charity still gets the money if she doesn't wear pink. I think you need to pick your battles.

AnnaMarlowe · 16/10/2015 09:19

I assume that this is part of a larger battle tbh.

I would think she'll feel a bit silly if everyone else has gone all out pink.

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 09:20

you know what, i have been working really hard on picking battle and dh and i are doing much better with this. but... i just didn't see how i could let her wear own clothes, with no pink, on pink day! then she reacted so strongly to the suggestion of a pink vets top! it just seemed a bit nuts, so i reacted badly.

i have been soooo much better at picking battles lately but sometimes the tension gets pent up and a bad reaction pops out

OP posts:

FauxFox · 16/10/2015 09:21

DD is only 10 but when we have dress up/non-uniform days I insist she try out and lay out her outfit the night before - the morning is a rush and not a good time to test me

If you were able to persuade her to sort out her choose outfit the night before you would have had time to sort out an element of pink so you both felt happy (I would probably have offered pink nail polish, pink fingerless gloves or a pink hair flower because I have them around).

It's hard being a teen, I totally get why you were annoyed but there are some battles not worth fighting

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 16/10/2015 09:21

I suppose the donation is the most important thing but then it sounds like you were making the donation and she was using the opportunity for her own ends i.e. looking good!

It's an age thing of course but disappointing to feel she doesn't really care about the issue so I don't really think you were too U in pointing it out. No harm to occasionally try to penetrate the me, me, me mindset of a teen although you can't always be guaranteed a result.

RattusRattus · 16/10/2015 09:21

Pick your battles. I see your point but it was the wrong battle to pick.

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 09:25

backward, despite feeling that i overreacted,its nice to know I'm not a lone voice!
anna, part of a bigger battle, yes. we are seeing totally OTT and increasing amounts of make up worn to school and the obsession with looks is saddening. we have decided not to mention the makeup day to day, so i think thats why today's little pressure cooker blew, iyswim!

thing is, she asked me to buy her a 'pink crop top' to wear and i bought her a pink vest. it just really annoyed me that she shunned what i'd bought as it was totally plain and inoffensive.

OP posts:

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 16/10/2015 09:27

I think the pink thing is quite widely interpreted to be fair. The fund raising is the important thing.

We had a similar thing when we I was at work and I was representing a client at a Tribunal that day. I didn't have a pink shirt that I felt comfortable wearing (one I had was very fitted and I worried about gaping buttons cut so if I wore it to work I usually wore it under a fitted cardigan on days I wasn't meeting clients) and certainly didn't have a pink suit so shoved on some pink knickers and made a £20 donation. I don't think I'm self-centred or unfeeling. I just wanted to feel comfortable on a stressful day and I'm sure the cancer charity didn't care - they still got a donation.

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 09:29

to those who are saying pick your battles....

do you really think i should've paid the £2.50 for her while she ignored the dress code? genuinely curious.

OP posts:

backwardpossom · 16/10/2015 09:29

What if every pupil in the school goes in with no pink on? It's just a fashion parade with a collection for charity. I would have insisted on some pink nail polish at least.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 16/10/2015 09:31

But I think in schools it is just a fashion parade with a collection for charity. I don't think the charity is under any illusion that it's anything else. But, looking at he bigger picture, they are ingathering money which is the important thing.

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 09:33

i am pleased to say that she did come round in the end. she cried and stormed off but i think took on board what i said in the end. eventually she layered the pink top over her other vest, which looked quite trendy (my suggestion, loll). i do feel really bad for getting so cross though, and for being harsh in my comments.

we managed to leave for school on good terms, which is, i think, a result of the work we've been doing in terms of our relationship. previously the anger would've taken much longer to dissipate (for both of us!)

OP posts:

howabout · 16/10/2015 09:36

I think dress as you please is a minefield. I would have gone with adding a pink badge. I have 2 teenage dd. Over the years we have accumulated scarves of various colours and with spots and a selection of badges.

I think in this instance you added another layer of "how to dress" pressure to school policy and peer pressure. Teenage girls are already under far too much scrutiny over their clothing choices.

Good to know I am not the only one struggling with knowing when to put my foot down though. The sort of battle you had sounds pretty normal for our house. My life is a bit easier as there is more reasoning and negotiating because I have 2 of them and also as they are close in age they have grown up with having to pre-plan.

lifesalongsong · 16/10/2015 09:36

In general I think it really doesn't matter what they wear as long as the charity gets the money, life's too short, but in your case where it's part of a wider issue of challenging behaviour I think I would have tried to make sure there was at least a little pink somewhere.

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 09:42

thanks all.

we did try to pre plan, hence buying the vest. it just failed on the day!

howabout, i really do understand the peer pressure thing.

i have 2 also, but dd2 is 2 years younger and uber laid back. i don't think she'll be a tricky teen. but with dd1 you could kinda predict it!

OP posts:

specialsubject · 16/10/2015 09:51

..and this is why I detest useless fundraisers.

pick litter for breast cancer. Help old people for breast cancer. Fix things for breast cancer. Make a massive fuss and waste a load of effort over clothes...I don't think so.

men get it too BTW. Should they also wear pink?

diddl · 16/10/2015 09:52

I think that YWNBU.

Maybe you said it harshly, (Idon't know), but I agree with you.

A lot of teenagers are selfish & self obsessed, I don't think that it hurts to point out the bigger picture.

I was thinking a vest top under something so that a tiny bit shows.

It really shouldn't be thathard!

shovetheholly · 16/10/2015 09:54

I don't necessarily think it's a bad think to teach your daughter that actually some things are more important than what other people think is cool. You sound like your values are really right - though perhaps the method of delivery was not ideal! I have a couple of friends who are absolute slaves to the views of others as adults, and it makes their lives miserable. Questioning peer pressure isn't necessarily a terrible thing... just don't expect to win every time with a teenager!!

shovetheholly · 16/10/2015 09:55

*thing

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 09:59

thank you didl and shove. i did go on. and on. it just made me cross. i have been so much better at controlling my reactions lately but this seemed to optimise what i hate most about shallow looks orientated culture.

and now i just feel sad.

OP posts:

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