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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

re What I said to DD (13) re fundraising day outfit ...AIBU?

70 replies

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 09:12

dd1 is 13 and we have been struggling with her challenging behaviour lately.

today at school she as a 'wear pink for breast cancer' fundraising. she came down dressed in a carefully thought out outfit with NO pink in at all, but had given the tiny details of her outfit a lot of consideration so that it passed the 'cool' test.

i reminded her that it was pink day and that it was a fund raiser for a serious cause. she started ranting about how the 2 pink tops basically weren't stylish enough (bright pink vest and pale pink t shirt ) and refused to wear them. she got cross. i got cross. she clearly felt under pressure to look really cool AND wear pink at the same time and didn't think she could achieve this.

i am afraid to say that i shouted that it was pretty sad and pathetic if she cared so much about what others thought of her clothes that she couldn't even enter into the spirit of a fund raiser. she then said 'you are saying i am pathetic?' i said 'No...its a sad and pathetic state of affairs to be so obsessed with what others think of how we look that we can't look at the bigger picture and what this is really for'.

i also said that if she wouldn't wear any pink then she should go and put her uniform on. and that she'd have to pay the charity donation out of her pocket money if she didn't wear pink.

I feel really bad for being unkind. WIBVVU to say what i said? i know i reacted badly btw but it just hit a nerve as we are going throughout a very self centred teen phase atm.

OP posts:

Everythingwillbeok · 16/10/2015 10:55

YANBU.
It's not a dress down day, wear your coolest,trendiest outfit and we can all admire your clothes day. It's a wear something pink day to show why we are in non-uniform and to show solidarity and support for the same thing.

Just because she's "a teenager" and everyone knows they aren't great at conforming to this sort of thing Is poor in my opinion.

She can wear whatever she likes Saturday and Sunday. This day wasn't about wearing your own clothes for the sake of it was it?

All the posters who say pick your battles make me wonder if they have teenagers, it's easier said than done, especially when they come across as selfish and unaware of the reasons behind days like this.

Asimovbuff · 16/10/2015 10:58

If its really that frowned upon then her peers will make her feel bad enough when she gets to school. I have two teenagers and would probably tut a bit and say you do realise etc etc and say why not a pink headband? But if they were adamant I would leave it.

LeaLeander · 16/10/2015 11:04

I meant "conform to her mother's notions, and blindly follow silly made-up things like Pink Day," OP. To force someone into a particular behavior supposedly in support of some lofty cause accomplishes what?

At 13 she is old enough to select her own attire. If there are consequences at school let her deal with them. You do sound very invested in this minutiae.

rogueantimatter · 16/10/2015 11:13

Your post reminds me of the dynamic between my DD and me when she was 13-15. I'd probably have reacted like you too I'm afraid. And my DD was a slave to pressure to have an 'acceptable' look too. I had hoped for a non-conformist, feminist DD. I didn't realise how very hard it is to be a teenage girl these days.

Best thing you can do in general IMO is not comment on her appearance - either negatively or positively - both reinforce the message that appearance is important. Praise her other good qualities and efforts and affirm her just for being her. It must be very difficult to go against the grain at that age when you are just beginning to explore who you are and have your first opportunity to express yourself through your appearance. Be sympathetic to the all-consuming 24/7 pressure to be seen to be cool/sexy/having fun. Don't make her feel bad for joining in with it - boost her self-esteem by being supportive in general. It's natural for her to want to experiment with looking 'sexy' as she gets older too. Try to give her the confidence to make that an insignificant part of her life by letting her know she's loved just for being her......

FWIW I agree with other posters who dislike these campaigns too. (I had bowel cancer) - should we perhaps have a wear brown fundraiser for bowel cancer? Yellow for bladder cancer? It would be more to the point if we lobbied for less pollution and faster treatment for cancer. Sorry to go on, but these campaigns actually give me the rage.

73dexter · 16/10/2015 11:14

All the posters who say pick your battles make me wonder if they have teenagers
I have an 18 year old dd. It wouldn't have bothered me if my dd hadn't worn pink, it is the donation that matters. Tbh I would prefer to donate a bit more money than to have to go out and buy something specially for a 'pink day'.

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 11:36

Lea, the thing i'm confused about is why you're seeing it as MY notion. i didn't arrange the pink day. yes, i was asking her to conform to what was asked for by the school, in terms of dress code for this day, just as i do every other day. i kind of think you need to support the uniform code in a school. i see that as important. or choose alternative educational provision for your dc.
if she had opted out of pink day altogether and worn uniform, then i could've absolutely respected that choice. i wasn't quite so keen on her exploiting it for the chance of having a random own clothes day, though!

really, really interested in how posters who have had cancer view these campaigns.

dexter, i can totally see that its the donation that matters. i was upset that my dd hadn't given the actual cause 2 seconds thought. i was disappointed that she was stressing so much about her outfit which told me that she was missing the point about today. in the end she forgot to take the donation with her.

OP posts:

Asimovbuff · 16/10/2015 12:01

I am sure 90 percent of kids didn't give the cause a second thought. Do the boys wear pink too?

Brioche201 · 16/10/2015 12:29

I am sure 90 percent of kids didn't give the cause a second thought

On what grounds are you saying that? Schools normally tie in charity fundraisers with an assembly about the cause.Some of them may have relatives affected by BC

Asimovbuff · 16/10/2015 12:57

Yes but the wearing of pink shouldn't affect any of that

DoJo · 16/10/2015 13:57

I think you were spot on - the whole point of fundraising is to put aside your own ego for a day and try to do something for someone else

I thought the point was to raise money? The OP's sanction seemed fine - wear pink or pay the donation yourself. I would have stuck with that and ignored any other discussion about the matter, although I appreciate that is easier said than done.

Brioche201 · 16/10/2015 14:16

the whole point of fundraising is to put aside your own ego for a day and try to do something for someone else

What DOJO says .

If you want to know 'the whole point of Fund Raising' the clue is in the name!!

rogueantimatter · 16/10/2015 14:24

Form of non-uniform day? Pay for the privilege of not wearing uniform and the money raised goes to charity.

Or just stick a donation in the collecting tin. Presumably the charities have learnt that passing round collecting tins won't bring in as much money as giving donors something in return for their donation (ie the chance to not wear uniform)

Perhaps there is supposed to be an awareness-raising element of wearing pink..... But I can't imagine anyone not being aware of cancer and breast cancer in particular.

It would be more to the point to have a campaign to encourage healthier living to prevent cancer - of all types IMHO.

rogueantimatter · 16/10/2015 14:30

'Red nose' day makes me uncomfortable too. Asking other people to sponsor you to do 'fun' things which in themselves achieve nothing - shaving your hair, waxing your legs if you're a man etc; why not just put a donation in a tin?

I can only assume that the charities have the massive, unfortunate problem of being in competition with other charities so feel the need to offer something in return for donations - sometimes that thing is 'fun'.

murphys · 16/10/2015 14:33

Having a 13 year old dd I do sympathise with you OP.

And I think if it was a breast cancer fundraiser and the school has decided to fundraise and she knew she was to wear pink, then yes, she should have worn pink or gone in her uniform if she didn't want to go along with it.

But I know it isn't just about today and the pink OP. We have endless battles with dd and attitude and pressure from friends which includes the clothing they wear. I have too reacted in the heat of the moment and afterwards wished I hadn't said what i had and not scarred her for life. We are all human and doing our best, and she will get over it

Don't beat yourself up about it.

Micah · 16/10/2015 14:36

On a side note I fucking hate these pink breast cancer fund raising days with a passion. I have had breast cancer and these things just make me feel fucking awful. Why pink anyway? I hate pink. A day for people to dress up in pink and feel saintly.
Rant over. I'm with your DD. I like her.

This. I'd have let mine go in what she wanted. Plus I hate the pink/blue men vs. women undertones.

rogueantimatter · 16/10/2015 14:46

Same. That and stupid pink-iced cupcakes. Makes it a little woman's problem IMO. Women should be encouraged to be outraged that there is no emphasis on the cause of the massive incidence of breast cancer - and of other cancers. Bowel cancer is being found in younger and younger people for example.

I hate those stand up to cancer ad campaigns too. And the magazine features about women who didn't miss a day of work but carried on bravely through their chemo......

Why do you have to run a marathon if you've had/have cancer?

What about fund-raising to pay for colostomy bags. They are not free.

Witchend · 16/10/2015 14:51

I don't think it's a battle to be fought really. About 3/4 of the junior school's many non-uniform days are given a theme: blue, spots, red, yellow, stripes, water, maths, animals, pj.... It gets silly, I refuse to buy new stuff just for them to wear, and on several occasions we have had literally nothing that is in the theme. We've had 3 in a fortnight before now.
If I'm buying new stuff it's going to cost more than the donations so I might as well give the money to the cause and let them wear something they've already got.

The girls always wanted to follow the theme, so we'd stick a spot on or do hair ribbons in the colour. Ds hates dressing up, always has done since he was preschool, even if it's just wear a colour, so I don't worry. They're only really after the money anyway.

Haffdonga · 16/10/2015 14:53

Out of interest, what did the boys wear?

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2015 16:02

I'm currently taking part in a fundraiser for cancer. I bought but will absolutely not be wearing, the pink T-shirt. I hate pink. I hate the associating of colour with causes. It's irritating and has got out of control.

FFS orange ribbons are aboriginal awareness, domestic violence awareness, some reunification thing in Northern Ireland, human rights in Tibet and Preservation of the Botswanan Mongoose. I kid you not.

My MIL who died of cancer three years ago would have been in fits at the idea of me being forced to wear pink. She would probably made me with a large donation for the laugh.

I understand that it's part of a larger control issues OP, but the pink thing is really OTT.

rogueantimatter · 16/10/2015 17:41

I hope your fundraiser is very successful MrsTerryPratchett

When I was having treatment for cancer there were so many ads for macmillan nurses on the telly it seemed like there was no escape. The family would always go very quiet when they came on. This thread is bringing back memories....

I've hosted three macmillan coffee mornings. They were done as social events and used as an excuse opportunity to have lots of friends over all in one go as I never get round to inviting people as often as I'd like, with the proviso that my friends bring their purses and only come if they weren't too busy.

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