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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

re What I said to DD (13) re fundraising day outfit ...AIBU?

70 replies

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 09:12

dd1 is 13 and we have been struggling with her challenging behaviour lately.

today at school she as a 'wear pink for breast cancer' fundraising. she came down dressed in a carefully thought out outfit with NO pink in at all, but had given the tiny details of her outfit a lot of consideration so that it passed the 'cool' test.

i reminded her that it was pink day and that it was a fund raiser for a serious cause. she started ranting about how the 2 pink tops basically weren't stylish enough (bright pink vest and pale pink t shirt ) and refused to wear them. she got cross. i got cross. she clearly felt under pressure to look really cool AND wear pink at the same time and didn't think she could achieve this.

i am afraid to say that i shouted that it was pretty sad and pathetic if she cared so much about what others thought of her clothes that she couldn't even enter into the spirit of a fund raiser. she then said 'you are saying i am pathetic?' i said 'No...its a sad and pathetic state of affairs to be so obsessed with what others think of how we look that we can't look at the bigger picture and what this is really for'.

i also said that if she wouldn't wear any pink then she should go and put her uniform on. and that she'd have to pay the charity donation out of her pocket money if she didn't wear pink.

I feel really bad for being unkind. WIBVVU to say what i said? i know i reacted badly btw but it just hit a nerve as we are going throughout a very self centred teen phase atm.

OP posts:

diddl · 16/10/2015 10:02

Well I think that if you know you went on there's no harm in apologising for that if you haven't already.

Just make sure thatshe knows that you aren't apologising for what you said, just how you said it.

ArmfulOfRoses · 16/10/2015 10:04

Did she choose the pink tops you bought?

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 10:06

no she didn't choose them as i went shopping on my day off. she asked me to buy a crop top but i think they can look a bit cheap, if I'm honest, so chose a regular vest top. its a plain pink vest top. same cut/ fit as others she has. the t shirt was one we have already.

OP posts:

LeaLeander · 16/10/2015 10:08

I think YABU & very controlling. Coerced conformity is the last thing I would want to instill in a teen.

At this age she should be able to express herself whether or not you approve of every minute detail.

Plus, blind devotion to"Pink Inc." might not be the best lesson to teach these girls. There are a lot of questionable things going on in such "cause marketing" as it is called.

notinminutenow · 16/10/2015 10:10

Look you're human. You lost it momentarily. We all do...and 13 year olds really know how to push our buttons!

I just about remember being 13 and sadly it was all about fitting in with peers. Independence of thought and action comes a bit later IME.

Apologise for your delivery (not your words) and move on.

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 10:14

lea..eh?? i found your post quite ironic, really. the whole point is that she was conforming sooooo much with 'uniform' prescribed by the peer group that she couldn't deviate from it even for a day. she was saying that people won't be wearing much pink so therefore i can't take the risk of wearing more pink than them and then looking silly. her whole stance was driven by a wish to conform!

OP posts:

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 10:14

notin, i completey agree.

OP posts:

realhousewifeoffitzrovia · 16/10/2015 10:16

I don't think you WBU. You were trying to teach her a life lesson. Even if she didn't come round to seeing your way, a little of what you said has probably made its way into her teenage head, and that's a good thing.

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 10:19

thank you real :)

OP posts:

threenotfour · 16/10/2015 10:23

That's a hard one. I would probably have done exactly the same as you and then felt bad later too. I think you are right to insist she takes part and wears pink and pays the donation herself. You could probably have made the point better by compromising with a pink hair clip or nail varnish but found something about breast cancer to watch with her later to help her understand the importance of thinking others in need. Easier said than done with 13 yr olds though.

SoupDragon · 16/10/2015 10:24

You realise she took the pink vest off as soon as you'd gone, don't you...?

I envisage many battles with Y5 DD in the years to come. Even now I have to send her back to her room to dress more "appropriately". Thankfully she seems to have lost the obsession with make up she gained after doing a dance show back in July.

GoblinLittleOwl · 16/10/2015 10:25

Reading these posts the dominant opinion seems to be that you should never correct a teenager; her wish to be seen as cool over-rides every other consideration.
Her mother was entirely right in objecting to her refusal to wear pink, the whole point of the day; I hope a higher authority at school makes her change into her PE kit and wear it for the whole day.
Why a mother should be made to feel unkind because she is reinforcing rules beats me.

SoupDragon · 16/10/2015 10:25

I don't think you were wrong to make her comply with the dress code. It's not like it was "dress as a walrus for dentistry" day.

notinminutenow · 16/10/2015 10:26

PS. You may be a teeny too invested in this stuff. In my house, at 13, if she wants to wear pink she would be off to the shops to get her pink thing herself. I wouldn't be shopping for tat on my day off...

SoupDragon · 16/10/2015 10:27

At this age she should be able to express herself whether or not you approve of every minute detail.

Being required to wear something, just one thing, in a particular colour is hardly not allowing her to express herself br trying to control every detail.

threenotfour · 16/10/2015 10:27

Your DD would have struggled at my DC's school last year OP. They all had to do a 5K run for breast cancer fundraising. No exceptions or not taking part. No one looked cool at then end of that. They all looked seriously hot, sweaty and exhausted.

frigginell · 16/10/2015 10:27

Yes you are. You don't want her to care what other people think of her image, and you've just criticised her for not caring enough about what you think of it.

Original poster

NoonarAgain · 16/10/2015 10:33

three, i would have much preferred that!

not in, we live in a rural area. she can't pop to any shops. i was going in to town, she said can you see if you can get me a pink top so i popped into primark, as i was going any way. is that over invested?

frigginell, it was so much what i thought of it, it was more about what it was actually about, surely?

OP posts:

Orrery · 16/10/2015 10:34

I think you were spot on - the whole point of fundraising is to put aside your own ego for a day and try to do something for someone else - so the message was spot on. If you feel bad for shouting at her, then maybe make it up to her in another way to demonstrate that shouting our message isn't the best way to go about life - maybe wear a hideous pink top yourself for a day while you go shopping together to get her something she does like.... in pink!!

derxa · 16/10/2015 10:36

On a side note I fucking hate these pink breast cancer fund raising days with a passion. I have had breast cancer and these things just make me feel fucking awful. Why pink anyway? I hate pink. A day for people to dress up in pink and feel saintly. I have done a Pretty Muddy Race in aid of BC research. Did it make me feel better about? No.
Rant over. I'm with your DD. I like her.

Asimovbuff · 16/10/2015 10:41

I think you were a little bit U. Teenage girls and clothes is a serious minefield.

I also hate dress up days. I would have probably bought her a pink hairclip or pink lipstick

Let her wear what she wants. The donation is the important bit tbh. She'll probably regret it slightly when she gets there.

Asimovbuff · 16/10/2015 10:43

Also it's her dress up day, not yours. I agree you sound as of you care too much what others think whilst telling her she shouldn't care what others think

derxa · 16/10/2015 10:44

I was a teacher at a school that did these. I never wore pink.

Asimovbuff · 16/10/2015 10:48

No I never do. I think it's stupid, pointless and patronising.

Brioche201 · 16/10/2015 10:48

YABU

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