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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to move soon?

54 replies

Polgara25 · 15/10/2015 13:57

The house we live in is owned (outright) by my DP. I sold my small flat, stuck the proceeds in a savings account and moved in with him.

Thing is, it's in a horrible area and is falling apart. I've offered to pay towards repairs but he declined.

The area is so bad I wouldn't even walk to the corner shop on my own after dark. Think smack heads fighting outside of the takeaway.

We're TTC. I've told him that I am not bringing children up round here. He agrees we can move before the youngest started school. However, I don't actually want to live here either myself.

We have plenty of money, that's not the issue.

I'm miserable - I moved from a lovely home in a decent area to this.

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 15/10/2015 14:03

Yanbu, what does DP say? Why does the want to move?

StayWithMe · 15/10/2015 14:06

Why does he not want to move? Please say you don't have the money in a shared account! He doesn't have access to it, does he?

Hold on while I stop panicking. And breath.

If the place is that rough and he doesn't want to move now, it sounds like he's stalling for time. Are you sure he's as committed to the relationship as you are? I would tell him you don't want a child UNTIL you move.

Original poster
Polgara25 · 15/10/2015 14:06

He wants to research the market for a couple of years....

I'm a local. I KNOW the market.

OP posts:
Original poster
Polgara25 · 15/10/2015 14:08

No shared account - and my salary is double his. It's OK, StayWithMe - I know what you're getting at!

OP posts:
StayWithMe · 15/10/2015 14:14

'He wants to research the market for a couple of years'

And in the meantime you're supposed to have a baby and live there? What happens if the area continues to go downhill to the point where he won't be able to sell the flat? Has he thought about that?

Have you considered that he may not be as financially secure as he has led you to believe? Has he let you see proof of his finances or does he put everything away where you can't see it? If he does own the flat, can you afford to move to a decent area and let out his flat? Make sure the flat stays in your name. Sorry, I could be completely wrong but something about his reluctance seems odd.

StayWithMe · 15/10/2015 14:15

Blimey, mumsnet has made me very cynical. Grin

Original poster
Polgara25 · 15/10/2015 14:19

He owns the house we live in. It is entirely in his name.

I sold my flat - but still have the cash that was the equity. All mine. Own account.

I get pregnant, think I'm just going to start arranging viewings. I hate this house - is it so bad to want to be able to walk to a shop? To the park?

OP posts:
PastaLaFeasta · 15/10/2015 14:28

please move before any baby arrives, before pregnancy if possible. It can be very isolating if you don't like the area you live and there aren't facilities around to enjoy in those early months/years. My area isn't that bad but I do regret not buying in the nicer area with lovely cafes and children's activities and parks, it was more expensive but affordable then, now it is impossible - we would have made a fortune in profit too.

Original poster
Polgara25 · 15/10/2015 14:42

Pasta - I'd love to move right now.

I think this house is his emotional security. Just not sure how to change that.

OP posts:
SonjasSister7 · 15/10/2015 14:47

I was very shocked at how imprisoning and isolating those months of maternity leave were. It is CRUCIAL (for your MH & all practicalities) that you are able to get out and about freely with LO in tow. Please don't get pg if that wont be possible there. And remember selling/ buying can take ages.

If your dp does not want to sell, as pps said he could let - you could also rent together in a nicer area perhaps, if he needs to 'research the market ' or at least reassure himself before committing? - though that may not be financially very logical.

suzannecaravaggio · 15/10/2015 15:21

I say he's stringing you along, he says he wants to have a child with you but his actions tell you that he doesn't want to have a child with you

passive aggressive
say one thing, but do another

Original poster
Polgara25 · 15/10/2015 16:00

He did enthusiastically agree to me coming off the pill, it's just this sodding wreck of a house...

OP posts:
suzannecaravaggio · 15/10/2015 16:22

well with my cynical head on I'd say that not being in favour of you coming off the pill would be too obvious there can be no ambiguity over that issue.

But refusing to move to a suitable home allows him to have his cake and eat it, he can indefinitely delay starting a family with you but blame it on other things so that you cant directly challenge him on it and give him an ultimatum.

Like I said, just a cynical interpretation...could be wrong

Original poster
Polgara25 · 15/10/2015 16:25

I'm off the pill - and he's really happy about it. He bought a book on fatherhood last week.

Just don't get why he'd want his babies to live here. I'm hoping the arrival of a baby will help change his mind.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 15/10/2015 16:25

I really don't think you should be TTC while this is an ongoing issue.

And I certainly wouldn't be bringing a baby into an area that bad.

suzannecaravaggio · 15/10/2015 16:31

talk is cheap, so are books

I wouldn't want to have a child with a man unless creating a safe comfortable home to bring the child into was right at the top of his list of priorities

MummaGiles · 15/10/2015 16:33

You need to feel safe and secure in you home and out and about with your baby. Put your foot down. Why does it take two years to research the market? Prices everywhere are going up again, but by the sound of it if his house needs work doing to it it won't increase in value at the same rate as somewhere you would actually want to live. I would just start looking at property - either to buy or rent - and if he questions it, tell him you want to move before the baby arrives so you can make friends in the area for company/support when you're on mat leave.

Muckogy · 15/10/2015 16:34

lots of red flags here.
i would not TTC with this guy.

JassyRadlett · 15/10/2015 16:34

To be honest, it would be house move before baby for me too...

Original poster
Polgara25 · 15/10/2015 16:36

I do have the finances to go and buy a nice house in a nice area on my own. It's tempting to do that and ask if he's coming, when the removal van turns up.....

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/10/2015 16:37

I think you need to put your foot down and say that you want to move to a better area now. Can you afford to buy somewhere suitable without his contribution? If so I'd go ahead and seriously look and tell him that you are going without him!

Alternatively if you think it's an emotional attachment issue ask him to see a therapist together so you can understand his point of view.

RandomMess · 15/10/2015 16:38

X-posts. You can afford it, tell him you are moving and he can either move with you and be involved in the decision making process or you'll consider that this isn't the committed relationship you thought it was.

Original poster
Polgara25 · 15/10/2015 16:40

I do think it's emotional - this house is cramped, plumbings shot, it's cold, heating is dodgy, wood chip everywhere....

I am actually living in a Pulp video.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/10/2015 16:43

I seriously would you speak to a therapist about it together, he needs some sort of help to address this issue.

He could drag his feet forever because there is absolutely zero logically reason to not move now...

Original poster
Polgara25 · 15/10/2015 16:48

Right, he wants to research the market.

So, we'll research the market.

How many house viewings do you think I can cram into a full time working week? 20? 30? 100?

I can't go and see a therapist over this wreck of a house. Just seems crackers...

OP posts:
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