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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Commitment

60 replies

Flashbangandgone · 15/10/2015 06:55

I don't get how some people can be committed enough to a relationship to settle down and have kids, yet at the same time not be committed enough (or bothered enough) to marry. AIBU?

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 15/10/2015 07:00

Yes, YABU.

GymBum · 15/10/2015 07:02

Rarely come on MN now. I nip on for a nosy this morning and first poet I see makes me wonder if you own a tin hat Op?

GymBum · 15/10/2015 07:03

Post not poet

Axekick · 15/10/2015 07:04

In general I agree. I would never have had children with out being married. It brings so many legal extras.

Also when you have kids you are tied to eachother forever. If you get married that isn't the case. Kids, for me, are a far bigger commitment to eachother.

However, sometimes babies aren't planned and I don't think it's always best to get married if that happens. There can be many reasons people don't get married and what suits me, doesn't suit everyone.

That said I am usually quite quietly horrified when I read, on mn, about women who have kids and don't have their name on the house, not married etc and find themseleves in the shit. And yes married women also find themseleves in the shit, but legally you have more protection.

Original poster

Flashbangandgone · 15/10/2015 07:06

Yes, tin hat at the ready...

OP posts:

mummytime · 15/10/2015 07:08

Lots of women don't know just how vulnerable they are without marriage. And for a lot "getting married" means a big white wedding with all the trimmings, even if they don't want that. Or maybe they do want that but can't afford it yet, so wait...

It's like people in the US who would rather save the money and have no health insurance for a few years when they are young.

Original poster

Flashbangandgone · 15/10/2015 07:10

Axekick

Agree with pretty much all you said. I'm not saying that if you happen to get pregnant you should therefore marry, but more that if you choose to settle down and have kids then I can't see why you would reasonably not marry.

OP posts:

Axekick · 15/10/2015 07:12

Yes get your tin hat ready.......or we could have discussion like adults!

Tangoandcreditcards · 15/10/2015 07:15

YABU.

Why should I, or anyone else, conform to your/society's expectations of what constitutes commitment?

HackerFucker22 · 15/10/2015 07:17

Not married, never going to get married have two kids. Don't own a house and probably never will. Have a joint tenancy and DP is on the birth certificate so there should be no issues if something happened to me.

We have no money. No assets. Nothing if any value we have some savings but it's being used to allow me to have extended ML so I see no reason why I need to be married?

Also if you want to judge me any further we also have separate finances.

(Been together a decade, lived in 3 homes and have 2 children by the way)

SquirmOfEels · 15/10/2015 07:18

"bothered" and "I can't see why"

Do you always have difficulties with the idea that people are not all the same and that it is not compulsory to have the legal benefits of marriage?

And that considered non-marriage is just as "bothered" as getting married?

If your point is 'people really need to think about their legal and financial position when deciding whether or not to change status' then I'd be with you all the way.

But making assumptions, and using rather pejorative language about all who opt for one choice is awful.

MythicalKings · 15/10/2015 07:24

YABU to criticise other people's choices. It's possible to be committed without being married. My choice is I wouldn't have DCs without being married but others feel differently.

What I don't understand is people who choose to have DCs outside marriage but then moan when their partners won't marry them. If you want to be married, don't have DCs until you are.

EponasWildDaughter · 15/10/2015 07:25

Different people feel differently about marriage. Sometimes they do a U turn in time, sometimes not.

That's all it is.

There are lots of things which would seem to be the obvious best thing to do 'on paper', but that are subject to the hundreds of different factors which affect peoples lives, and therefore not always the way it gets done.

Fratelli · 15/10/2015 07:31

Yabu. Why do you think you're so important that everyone has to do what you think they should? I think creating a life with someone is a bigger commitment than marriage tbh.

SlaggyIsland · 15/10/2015 07:36

I can see what OP is saying. I've read thread after thread here where a woman gives up her job and independence to raise the children, the guy winds up treating her unfairly financially/cheating/behaving badly in whatever way and she has no legal recourse. His name on the mortgage, savings in his name etc.
If she were married, she'd be entitled to half the assets. Unmarried, and she's up shit creek.

Tangoandcreditcards · 15/10/2015 07:49

But slaggy - that's a self-selecting sample.

What about all the unmarried couples who just get on with it? And either don't split up or are reasonable about it if they do?

mummytime · 15/10/2015 07:50

HackerFucker22 the only thing I would be concerned about is the next of kin issue? Mainly if either sets of parents/relatives are inclined to be awkward.

The more money you have the more complicated living together without marriage seems to be. But I do think we should have had a civil partnership option for hetreosexual people, to sort some of the issues out easily.

Original poster

Flashbangandgone · 15/10/2015 07:54

Yes of course it's everyone's choice whether to get married.... I just don't understand why some people are happy to make the arguably larger commitment of settling down and having kids, whilst not protecting that arrangement with the arguably lesser commitment of marriage. Surely commitment to a permanence in a relationship should precede a choice to commit to have children (a permanent commitment if ever there was one!)

OP posts:

SlightlyAshamed1 · 15/10/2015 08:00

A quick trip to the registry office is a lot cheaper than a looong trip to the solicitors and financial advisors to sort out wills, pensions etc.

btw - if your significant other dropped dead now, would his family respect your wishes re funeral etc. Would you be allowed to arrange the funeral? Would you be allowed to attend the funeral?

I get it isn't to everyone's choice, and it's easier to get away from a boyfriend than a husband, so each case is different.

Toffeelatteplease · 15/10/2015 08:04

YABU

You may be entitled to half the assets but you can also be lumbered with half the debts. Never happen if you are unmarried.

I and my kids would be significantly better off had I not married.

Get proper legal advice and you can set everything up properly as you want them set up.

I would never marry again now. Certainly not for dubious distinction of legal protection

whois · 15/10/2015 08:09

YAabsolutlyNBU

Having children is a massive commitment and shouldn't just be viewd as routinely as it seems to be.

i think people who have children when they are in a bad relationship/marriage are fools. Why bring a child into he horrible mess you live in? Having a child without he legal protection of marriage IF you are going to on anyway sacrifice your career, earnings, pension by having said child is also highly foolish. As is having numerous 'accidents'.

CloudsofBrick · 15/10/2015 08:10

Sorry, did I wake up in 1952 this morning?

YABU. My OH and I have been together over 11 years, own a house and have children. Our relationship has already outlasted a number of 'committed' marriages we were asked to help celebrate. Marriage doesn't mean a jot.

VelvetSpoon · 15/10/2015 08:12

YABU.

Marriage and financial independence are 2 separate things. Some people seem to think that if you're married it's ok to give up your job and career, rely solely on the other person, let them control the family budget and possibly not even know what their income is. This is never a good idea. No relationship is 100% guaranteed to last, being married doesn't protect you from ever splitting up. Better to focus on protecting and preserving your financial independence rather than relying on being married to save you.

There are myriad reasons for not getting married. I'm in a committed relationship but we're unlikely to get married - my bf has been married, considered it a lifetime commitment etc and is still bruised by his divorce. Also he doesn't want to risk the complacency of married life, which seems sensible to me!

(fwiw, if we did marry, I'm the one who is better off financially so nothing for me to gain there either, quite the opposite!)

PoundingTheStreets · 15/10/2015 09:29

THere's no one-size-fits-all solution for relationships.

In general, marriage protects the less-well-off party, which is usually the woman. I am saddened when I see terms like 'common-law wife' (which does not exist in UK law) used by people with a mistaken perception that this will protect them in the event of a split. I am also saddened when I see women who never believed that their DP would treat them the way they end up being treated when the relationship breaks down.

Marriage isn't always the best way to achieve protection, however. If you have more financial assets than your partner, and you also have children, marriage may not be the best solution. Both parties would need to consider what happens to the marital assets in the event of a split or death. Children can end up disinherited because the biological parent died first and the step-parent went on to remarry and died leaving everything to the new spouse. The increase in second marriages and blended families mean marriage is far less straightforward a solution than it used to be.

No one, of any gender, should be in a relationship without applying some thought to how they are going to safeguard their future in the event of a split or death. There are lots of different ways to achieve that.

NotMyMonkey · 15/10/2015 09:47

It is possible to protect yourself financially without getting married. It is also possible to end up down shit creek if you do marry. The two are not mutually exclusive.

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