Commitment

[Flashbangandgone]

I don't get how some people can be committed enough to a relationship to settle down and have kids, yet at the same time not be committed enough (or bothered enough) to marry. AIBU?

Shut - this is exactly what the OP is saying, if you read it properly rather than just leaping onto the nearest bandwagon

If you read my post properly what I am saying is that a piece of paper does not make you more committed to someone than not having one. There isn't a 'commitment scale'

It isn't about not being 'committed enough' or not bothered, they don't want to!

People can do what they like. It is no one elses business.

Err I haven't 'jumped on a band wagon' please don't make assumptions!!! be rude and get it wrong

My point isn't about people choosing not to marry for ideological/personal reasons, but rather people for whom marriage is something they are theoretically open to, but don't feel they can commit to it with their partner with whom they've already committed to have children.

That isn't what your OP says though.

Some people when push comes to shove just don't want to.

Funinthesun

Not sure how it doesn't?

I accept you can be committed without getting married.

I'm not talking about people who choose not to marry for reasons that have nothing to do with their level of commitment, but rather people who have no objections to marriage per se, but are just not committed enough to the relationship to marry, but are nonetheless committed enough to have children.

in some other cases, i have seen men and women who are with their partner but who they do not think enough of to marry.

And yet something they think its reasonable to plan to have children with them?

i know OP. this comes back to that whole commitment-phobe thing, for some.

I'm pregnant (planned). I own the house we live in and earn more than dp (with no intention of giving up work or going part time). I have absolutely nothing to gain from marrying dp.

SoozeyHoozey, and everything to lose if he decides to go off with another woman, leaving you holding the baby.

If married, he takes half of everything- house, pension, and only has to pay a tiny amount as maintenance for the child! And everyone acts as if women as so stupid to not be married. Ha, not this one, matey!

Having children is a huge commitment- to the children.
And at the time you hope that a lifetime commitment to the other parent would be in the interests of the children, but it isn't always.
But yes, op. logically, you are right. Does anyone ever decide to marry and /or have children logically? Love, lust, broodiness, fantasy, fear of loneliness, societal expectation, timing, etc etc. Forever is a flipping long time.

Opposite question... does anyone out there know with absolute certainty that the father of their children is the person they would choose to spend the rest of their life with whatever happens?

Having children is a huge commitment- to the children.

Having children together is a commitment to each other. Unless one of you behaves like a complete loser, you are making a commitment to co-parent for the rest of your lives.

You can walk away from a marriage much more easily than you can walk away from someone with whom you have children.

The problem is on mn it's more common to see the women living in her dps house. Rather than snoozys position.

However I would love to see the reaction if a woman posted that she was oh living in her dos house and he refused to marry her. She would be told that man is a dick. And that keeping hold of his assets is more important that than her and that she is in a risky position. But women get applauded for it.

Personally I would never live in a house my partner owned. Regardless of my sex, because it gets messy if the relationship breaks down.

When I decided to have kids I decided to share my life and assets. I have always worked full time and neither me or dh would like to be financially dependent on the other through choice.

Yabu. I'd have liked to get married but my partner changed his mind after we were pregnant following expensive IVF. I feel very disappointed that I'm not married and it's a bit of an annoyance that people/society assume I am.

However my dc have my surname and I'm financially independent and own my own property independently of dp. So I may not be married but I'm certainly a free woman, condemn me all you like OP.