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AIBU?

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Original poster

to get cross at this engineer ? Feminist rage.

98 replies

PaddingtonStareBare · 13/10/2015 23:45

DH thinks I have 'ishoos' Hmm

So we have a broken piece of equipment at home, I call the help line and speak to an engineer. He tells me a certain part will need to be replaced (major part). I ask if this is something that can be done at home or does it require a specialist to do, at the same time I'm looking at said piece of equipment and thinking "Doesn't look to hard."

After my question the engineer then asks me if my husband is "mechanically minded" I pause (there has been no mention of my marital status or husband at this point) and started to get pissed off at this assumption that the man has to do it, I replied "What needs doing then ?" Engineer goes on to explain it's just some screws basically and you just screw a new peice on. Angry

I then said "Well it doesn't sound like a man can be the only one to do that thanks, it might surprise you I even know the difference between a flathead and a phillips screwdriver !" He then goes on to say "Yes but some men just tend to do those things don't they and the women don't" and carries on to tell me about the part and cost.

I told him not to assume that all women are incapable of doing that but ended the call politely. It still bloody pissed me off that he automatically assumed the "Man of House" does anything involving a screwdriver. I told DH this when he came in and he laughed it off saying I had issues and yes that is how it is in some couples etc etc, I said of course it is but it's the assumption that pissed me off.

Was I being unreasonable to get shitty at the engineer ? and my husband or am I being over sensitive ?

OP posts:
shadowfax07 · 14/10/2015 01:24

unlucky Phillips screw heads just have the cross slots, the pozidrive heads are more like the Union Jack, deep cross slots and less deep diagonal slots.

ModenaMan · 14/10/2015 02:17

Phillips = Cross of St George
Posidrive = Union Jack
Grin

unlucky83 · 14/10/2015 02:28

Thanks Shadow - I do kind of know but then get confused Blush ...Pozi are 'posher' ...but then I think which one is the posh one again?
My driver bits are in a labelled (PH and PZ) box but then end up just using any driver head that seems to fit ...which I believe is 'bad', more likely to strip the screws especially with a power drill driver...
I thought most cross head screws were actually the posh one (so Pozi) now...

DadWasHere · 14/10/2015 03:20

Mixed feelings OP. People make assumptions based on probability all the time. The alternative is to make no assumptions and communicate in a way that assumes all possibilities to find if one that applies. That can be very exhausting.

For example, my level of computer tech expertise exceeds the levels of people employed to do phone based tech support. But they, based on probability and not prejudice, are taught to assume that I know far less than I might think or say I do. Thus I have to explain to them my qualifications and background so that I can clear the books and have a proper level of interaction with them, one that cuts through what I would call 'quite reasonable but incorrect assumptions'.

DoreenLethal · 14/10/2015 06:43

I am an engineer. I spent 14 years in civil engineering. Then left due to daily, almost hourly, shit like this. i went to buy a van last year and the salesman was speaking to my OH, he said 'dont tell me mate, it's her van' and after that, he was ok. I mentioned a few things that needed doing and heard him saying to his colleague 'she even picked me up on the tyre so we need to get a new one on there'.

I prefer to embarass them rather than go in all guns blazing. I would have said 'what sort of screws, flat, phillips or pozi, i will just go get my toolbox out hang on a minute...'

DoreenLethal · 14/10/2015 06:45

Pozi aren't posh!

Phillips are a crosshead. Pozi are a star. You just have to make sure that you use the correct one, otherwise they slip.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 14/10/2015 06:49

fatmomma. Just curious as to why you take your Dh with you when you buy a car if he doesn't drive?

Ive never taken Dh with me when ive gone to buy a car. No confusion for the sales people then of who to talk to! Grin

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 14/10/2015 06:55

I used To work as a very specialised engineer. Unusual job and afaik I was the only woman in the country at the time doing it.

Usually when Id ring a customer for directions to their house as I was trying to find it in my van they would assume I was a call centre person and say stuff like " tell the engineer when he comes down the lane we've got a post box outside our house, the White one". They'd look a bit bemused when I appeared five mins later.

scallopsrgreat · 14/10/2015 07:02

Who cares if people make assumptions all the time, DadwasHere? Doesn't stop this assumption from being sexist. But clearly it is 'exhausting' not to be sexist. Think how it feels to have sexist comments and assumptions directed at you on a daily basis. Then talk about fucking exhausting.

YANBU OP and your DH needs to check his privilege (to coin an overused but in this particular case, apt phrase).

Antlily · 14/10/2015 07:02

I usually try a response along the lines of 'which bit requires a penis to fix?'

I also get the engineer title thing, I have a chemistry degree but my current job title is now 'something' engineer where as what I'm doing is definitely still chemistry.

StealthPolarBear · 14/10/2015 07:04

Depressing comments on this thread
"If my Hoover needs fixed "
If our hoover needs fixing I take it apart. I spent a very satisfying couple of hours the other week with a wire coat hanger, yanking great balls of fluff out so satisfying.

Slugonthewindow · 14/10/2015 07:08

Yanbu

SoupDragon · 14/10/2015 07:14

Pozi are a star

They can't be a star with only 4 points. That's just a cross.

scallopsrgreat · 14/10/2015 07:15

"The alternative is to make no assumptions and communicate in a way that assumes all possibilities to find if one that applies." No the alternative is to treat them as equal human beings. So you think the bloke on the phone made a 'reasonable but incorrect assumption', to assume a woman couldn't fix something?

DoreenLethal · 14/10/2015 07:19

They can't be a star with only 4 points. That's just a cross.

A star with 4 points is a cross indeed. A cross with more points becomes a star.

to get cross at this engineer ? Feminist rage.
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 14/10/2015 07:22

fatmomma I had totally the opposite experience when out car shopping.
Went with dh to buy a car (for him I would never drive it). Salesman kept asking me my opinion.
The first few times I just explained it was dh's car so not up to me - and I'm really not interested in cars at all.

This didn't put him off he kept asking my opinions, "wouldn't this one look good on the drive" etc I mean who gives a fuck

The salesman said most of the time it's the woman who actually picks the car not the husband. Really annoying.

EponasWildDaughter · 14/10/2015 07:34

dadwashere - People make assumptions based on probability all the time.

Look at what you said dadwashere

It's high time that it is not automatically thought that the probability is always that the woman can't do it.

Sexism is so ingrained it's almost invisible to some men.

To answer the OP - unreasonable to get shirty or grumpy, not unreasonable to point out that he shouldn't be assuming you are incapable of doing something just because you are a female.

On a personal scale like this messages tend to get across better without aggression behind them on the whole, otherwise defenses come up and nothing is learned. And IMO it's more important that this message gets across rather than 'punishing' the person by being shirty with them.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 14/10/2015 07:40

YANBU

It is very annoying and unnecessary. Funny how many men have helpfully popped on to comment.

I got just as annoyed when someone called me up to sell me cover for my dishwasher. They made some comment about how men don't know their way around one. It was sexist and pointless.

Dh and I both do the DIY. It's one of our favourite things to do together (sad gits that we are). It was my DM who taught me how to wire a plug, put up a shelf and other basics.

I'm stealing your response, Antlily, it'll work both ways, "I think I must have been doing it wrong! Can you tell me which bit requires a penis to fix/I didn't realise "front loading" meant I should be using my vagina, do I need a special attachment?"

Chopstheduck · 14/10/2015 07:45

I would have laughed. DH is not at all mechanically minded. He does all the geeky, techy things at home (because I cannot be arsed!) I do mechanics, electrics, DIY. DH tried to mount a tv once and it ended up upside down.

I like the penis response!

I get it a lot with cycle mechanics. I work in cycling, but generally mechanics assume I know nothing. I don't get shitty with them though, just stand my ground and slowly the penny tends to drop and it's a lot easier to deal with people that you haven't pissed off!

Mermaid36 · 14/10/2015 07:45

YANBU - I get this a lot too....DH works away a lot and I've been dealing with a load of building work. The number of times tradesmen (cos they've always been men) have suggested I check with the husband/speak to the husband first, despite him never being there etc is astounding.

I am perfectly capable of making decisions about money/building work by myself, thanks very much

CaptainMartinCrieff · 14/10/2015 07:46

*I'm a chartered engineer and I get the designated title thing. A TA is not a teacher (though just as valuable a human being and a vital part of a class); a doctor is not a pharmacist; a repair technician is not (necessarily) an engineer (but may be).

I may be an engineer but I cannot fix a car, or understand electricity. I need people who can do those things, who may or may not be engineers, like me.

We shouldn't make assumptions about people's knowledge, skills and aptitude and we shouldn't use professional titles for people who haven't earned them.*

I agree! However as far as I am aware 'engineer' isn't a protected title. The chartered part is and the OP never at any point said 'chartered engineer'. So to the poster who went on about her husband being a chartered engineer and the other guy being a repair man and being horrified at being called the same is extremely snobby in my opinion.

ditherydora · 14/10/2015 07:52

this would have seriously pissed me off. he was patronising and rude. It would have been different if you had said you were going to ask your DH to do it for you - but for the engineer, on a helpdesk (!) to make assumptions about your mechanical skills and marital status when he knows nothing about you is not on.

I would make a formal complaint actually.

wonkylegs · 14/10/2015 07:59

We have recently completely refurbished our home and thankfully have come across very few sexist opinions but I suspect that is because I am very clear from the beginning that I work in construction. DIY is my domain except electrics as that's DHs hobby and heavy lifting (he's 6ft and I'm a rather petite 4'11 with disabilities)
Car buying is the one arena I did encounter stereotyping but I turned on my heel and walked out of the Honda Garage when he refused to talk engine size and was more interested in what colour I wanted. Alfa salesman realised too late that he'd been talking to the wrong person and lost his chance of a sale. Toyota were fab though and talk to me like an intelligent being everytime it's been in for a service so funnily enough I've been a loyal customer.

fieldfare · 14/10/2015 08:02

Yanbu at all.
When I divorced my exh and was in the process of renovating a house I had bought for Dd and I to live in, the number of times men assumed I knew nothing grew beyond a joke.
"When your husband gets in love ......"
"There is no husband, he pissed me off so I'm getting rid, just like I will do you too if you make a bad job of it"

CuppaSarah · 14/10/2015 08:07

I hate this kind of attitude. I get it at work all the time. Site managers won't use technical language with me, but will with my male collegues. Worst part is, its always fucking basic stuff that is common knowledge. Even worse is when they think I'm there to 'survery' before the engineers come to work. No I'm there to fit the fucking meter, it's not rocket science whatsoever. It's a 30 minuite job, why would we send a poor little lady to stare at it for a while before someone does the work?!