Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not really want DH to go out now

118 replies

DisappointedOne · 13/10/2015 21:47

It's my birthday. As usual, very little thought has gone into it so have spent the evening doing what DD wanted to do. One of DH's brothers is staying the night in a town about 20 miles away and has a spare bed in his hotel room. DH wants to go out drinking and stay out all night with his brother. I'd really rather he didn't, but he says this is the height of unreasonableness on my part. So, who is BU?

OP posts:
Fugghetaboutit · 15/10/2015 20:01

I did it Kiwi I met a man just like my stepdad. It's a schema and it's all we know. Hope you're ok op

DisappointedOne · 15/10/2015 20:08

Thanks Thumb. It's not really as simple as leaving or acceptin it, is it? Have spent the whole day on my own today and have come up with some points that shall be discussed/laid down urgently.

OP posts:
Fraggleyourock · 15/10/2015 21:47

I really hope that he is sincerely sorry for the way he spoke to you and for calling you such a horrendous name... And I hope you make it clear to him that it isn't acceptable and won't ever be. He needs to know that regardless of how unreasonable he thinks you are being, calling you a cunt is never going to be tolerated.
I hope things improve for you!

DisappointedOne · 16/10/2015 16:34

I asked outright for an apology but he refused, saying it was an honest reflection of his feelings at that moment.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 16/10/2015 17:31

So his honest reflection of his feelings at present is that he thinks of you as a fucking cunt?

I suppose that confirms to you all that you need to know about him.

I couldn't stay with anyone who thought about me in any such a way.

Thattimeofyearagain · 16/10/2015 17:44

He is a Cunt. That's an honest reflection of my feelings at this moment.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 16/10/2015 17:46

Well I hope you're not going to bother with his birthday if that's how
he feels.

Fraggleyourock · 16/10/2015 20:20

That is an absolutely shocking response! How disrespectful and degrading he is! He should be ashamed of himself! Sorry op! Thanks

YakTriangle · 16/10/2015 20:25

So, by that way of thinking, nobody need ever apologise for anything shitty they've done, because the bad behaviour was a result of how they felt at the moment.
'Yes, I smashed up your car after we argued, but I won't be paying to repair it or saying sorry, because whilst I was doing it I was angry, and so it was completely justified in that moment.' Hmm

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2015 20:29

I asked outright for an apology but he refused, saying it was an honest reflection of his feelings at that moment. Sorry but that is bullshit. Feeling; anger, frustration, rage. Not feelings; thinking someone else is a cunt and telling them that or telling someone to fuck off. I will never apologise for feelings. I will absolutely apologise for how I behave if it is unacceptable.

What are you going to do about his birthday?

TendonQueen · 16/10/2015 20:55

None of what you've said excuses his shitty behaviour. You sound like someone who takes pride in your own ability to be self-disciplined, mature, not demanding or self-indulgent - as in having one pudding a year, putting the focus on your DD's birthday rather than your own, treating Christmas as a cultural construct etc. That's all well and good but it doesn't mean you should feel you ought to be content with no thought or consideration at all on your birthday, and certainly not with being called horrible names when you point it out.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/10/2015 00:07

OMG - it might have been an "honest reflection of his feelings at the moment" but that still doesn't mean he should have fucking SAID it!! What is he, a fucking toddler? A person with no self-control, no inhibitions at all?
Or is he supposedly a grown adult who might actually give a shit that what he currently "feels" might hurt his wife of many years?

Jeez-us. I've heard some shit excuses for not giving an apology, but that one sucks massive balls. Angry

honeyh365 · 17/10/2015 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jacks11 · 17/10/2015 01:02

Your husband is telling you what he thinks of you, isn't he?

And he clearly thinks very little of you. He believes that he is entitled to say anything he wants, to behave badly and show you very little respect or care (unless it suits him). Which suggests to me that you think very little of you too. And that you allow him to be disrespectful and unkind towards you.

This man is supposed to love and respect you. He doesn't act like it, does he?
In my view actions speak louder than words- he is not sorry for the way he treated you and does not think he has behaved badly. He therefore doesn't think you are owed respect, kindness or care at all times.

"reflection of how he felt"? Agree with another poster- presumably he has control over what he does and says, even when angry? It is never ok to speak to your spouse like that (and especially not over something so unimportant). Again, seems more evidence of the fact he does not seem to respect you- he doesn't need to control himself or consider the impact of his words/actions on you.

I'd cancel the holiday. He doesn't deserve it after the way he has behaved.

If I were you I'd also be taking a long hard look at this relationship. I know it isn't as simple as LTB for many people, but your marriage doesn't seem to be making you happy and your husband is treating you like dirt. You are getting the blame for things which are nothing to do with you, your husband is verbally abusive towards you when he doesn't get his own way and doesn't appear to show you any degree of respect.

How would you feel if your DD's future partner spoke to her that way? would you be happy for her? Or worried about her?

You know that sooner or later she will pick up on his attitude towards you. Is that the healthy example you want to set your DD?

From the outside, it looks as though major changes are needed to save this relationship, if indeed you want to do that.

GruntledOne · 17/10/2015 09:52

If that was an honest reflection of his feelings, how does he justify feeling that level of rage towards you just for preferring that he doesn't go out drinking for the night on your birthday?

NumbBlaseCold · 17/10/2015 19:42

I asked outright for an apology but he refused, saying it was an honest reflection of his feelings at that moment.

I wonder, if the boot was on the other foot, how he would feel about that statement from you?

If you told him exactly how he's behaved in the form of insults, would he accept it?

Would he would accept you saying he behaved like a cunt by saying that?

I think not.

I hope you cancelled his birthday holiday.

TheOddity · 17/10/2015 20:11

I really would cancel the holiday or take someone else in your shoes, and do absolutely nothing for his birthday. If he isn't man enough to apologise for calling you a cunt, he isn't a nice enough person to be worthy of a special surprise holiday.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 17/10/2015 20:22

He calls you a cunt, you take him on holiday.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page