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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really want DH to go out now

118 replies

DisappointedOne · 13/10/2015 21:47

It's my birthday. As usual, very little thought has gone into it so have spent the evening doing what DD wanted to do. One of DH's brothers is staying the night in a town about 20 miles away and has a spare bed in his hotel room. DH wants to go out drinking and stay out all night with his brother. I'd really rather he didn't, but he says this is the height of unreasonableness on my part. So, who is BU?

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/10/2015 10:20

I low carb the rest of the year.

OP posts:
icanteven · 14/10/2015 10:20

Please, for the love of God, cancel whatever it is you have booked for him. You simply CAN'T be so bereft of dignity that you put up with him treating you like this and then come crawling to him with a "but please still love me - look how kind and selfless and generous I am!" birthday gift for him. These things are RECIPROCAL and he is being an utter dick.

And every single day that this goes on, you are teaching your daughter what an adult relationship is like and what she should be looking for in a partner. Is this REALLY what you want her to be doing? Being shouted at and called a cunt on her birthday, and then trying to appease her husband by buying him an expensive holiday in return? Honestly? Because that's what you're setting her up for.

And seriously, you need weekly pudding. None of this once a year nonsense.

Inertia · 14/10/2015 10:32

Cancel the holiday and get as much money back as you can. Put it in a savings account in your name that he doesn't know about. You'll need that money one day.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/10/2015 10:33

I have money. No worries on that front.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 14/10/2015 10:53

I read your other thread. Why are you still with this awful man? He treats you like dirt. He's never gonna change.

TheOddity · 14/10/2015 11:04

I know it's hard when you are in the middle of this, but it's not normal to be called a cunt. It's really not on, even once. Has he apologised? I would be telling him that I didn't mean to hit a nerve about his family but the way he spoke to you and the way he treated you on your special day was not on and you won't tolerate it again. And wait for the heartfelt apology. As for his birthday, it sounds like you make a whole lot more effort in this relationship with him. At the very least, I would not be making his birthday surprise a surprise any more. I'd be telling him what you have organised so he can see the contrast between how you treat him and how he treats you. He needs to wake up.

coconutpie · 14/10/2015 11:21

Oh and I don't know why you even made an effort to book anything for his birthday after the thread you posted a few months ago. The fact that he called you a cunt would be the last straw for me - I'd be filing for divorce. You're just flogging a dead horse here.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2015 15:38

What are you going to do? Because venting on here is great but you sound so sad, and low, and small. Do you want this?

ShowMeTheWonder · 14/10/2015 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/10/2015 18:03

No, I hate Xmas. Our Xmas has no Santa etc but has a meal and a small stocking for DD. (don't worry about that - she's absolutely fine. Xmas is a social construct. ;))

He went absolutely mad for my 30th, so it is within him to do it. But with mine and DD's birthdays being only 2 days apart the focus is quite rightly on her these days.

OP posts:
GoblinLittleOwl · 14/10/2015 18:17

Cancel the holiday. Use the money as the basis for your running-away fund, and keep it safe while you decide what you are going to do.

Start by giving your daughter a normal Christmas and tell your husband why you will not be doing special things for his birthday ever again.

There is no future in this relationship.
You will just go on being hurt more and more.

TheCatsMother99 · 14/10/2015 18:21

Christ, your H is not only being unreasonable, he's also being a complete wanker

magoria · 14/10/2015 18:24

I think the best birthday present you may be able to give yourself is to be divorced this time next year.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/10/2015 18:30

Start by giving your daughter a normal Christmas

I'm perfectly happy with our version of Xmas thanks.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2015 20:43

I'm perfectly happy with our version of Xmas thanks. That's as may be. But the message to your DD is that normal cultural events aren't a big deal, your birthday is barely noticeable, her birthday is marked by you but not by her DF's family, and her DF's birthday is a bigger deal than all of those combined.

Do you think that this is a message that will result in her getting her needs met as an adult woman?

Topseyt · 14/10/2015 21:00

OP, I don't think you are really taking on board what people are saying to you.

I read your other threads too. You had similar advice then but clearly weren't in the frame of mind to take it.

Here again you seem to be closing in now and becoming slightly defensive.

Keep doing that and this will just carry on. Your DH thinks he can just ride roughshod all over you, and your response will be to do things like book expensive holidays for his birthday.

It is all wrong, and very very one-sided. Surely you can see that?

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/10/2015 21:17

I did say that his is a significant birthday, didn't I? Mine very much wasn't. He doesn't usually get such things - one year we boarded out the loft because that was what he wanted to do on his birthday that year.

OP posts:
NumbBlaseCold · 14/10/2015 21:26

DisappointedOne I do not think you are ready to accept your OH unreasonableness, hence you are justifying.

You started angry and realising and have gone back to defending.

You will not accept until you hit rock bottom and he treats you so badly you cannot deny.

I hope you will accept then.

I have not seen your other threads but I agree with Topseyt.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2015 21:28

Oh well, everything is just peachy then. He's a Prince and your DD won't be learning any lessons about women getting the shit end of the stick at all. Move along people, nothing to see here.

milkmilklemonade12 · 14/10/2015 21:32

Agree you're misting over the whole thing now OP.

I understand why though.

mrsterry I understand where your post comes from, as I felt the same way about a friend for many, many years. Her choosing to accept and cover over her H's bullshit was all part of the abuse though.

It is incredibly frustrating though Sad

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2015 21:34

Sorry OP and thanks milkmilk for the incredibly gentle telling off. Smile I shouldn't have got pissy. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Just try to find your happiness OP.

milkmilklemonade12 · 14/10/2015 21:35

It's not a telling off Smile more of a recognition of those feelings, and a sympathetic pet Wink

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/10/2015 22:16

No I think you're being a touch unfair - Disappointed has said that she's realised how much energy is being sapped from her by this marriage, she knows.

Fugghetaboutit · 14/10/2015 22:28

Op, how would you feel if your dd's future husband spoke to her like that? Because that's what will happen. She will replicate your relationship. If you get out now, she's still young and will be better off. Break the cycle.

KiwiJude · 15/10/2015 19:48

OP, how would you feel if your dd's future husband spoke to her like that? Because that's what will happen. She will replicate your relationship. If you get out now, she's still young and will be better off. Break the cycle.

What Fugg said and I said something along the same lines earlier.

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