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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect dh to share about his counselling

68 replies

mikado1 · 12/10/2015 19:49

I think I will be told I abu but he is going after months of me encouraging it. I feel he is suffering from some kind of anxiety and it effects our day to day life; he's stressed/short tempered/reactive. Anyway he has been going a few weeks now and I asked him would he be sharing anything he's found useful or helpful and he said no. Thing is he doesn't ever open up and never shares so I was hoping the counsellor would draw some things out that he might then be able to talk about with me. I know he doesn't have to. He said it's his thing and I said it might be but it effects me all the time. .

So aibu? (Hides eyes with hands)

OP posts:

Seeyounearertime · 12/10/2015 19:53

Yes you are being unreasonable.
If he's at counselling then HE is at counselling HE will share if and when he's ready. It's a very private thing he's going through so if I were you I'd offer support and non judgement and let him know that he can share with you, IF he wants and if not then never mind.

Littlefish · 12/10/2015 19:54

Yes, you are being unreasonable. What is discussed between him and his counsellor is entirely private. If he chooses to share some of it with you then that's up to him, but please don't put any pressure or expectation on him that he ought to be telling you.

MuttonCadet · 12/10/2015 19:54

Yes, sorry, that is unreasonable. But I think you already know that.

Hopefully his counsellor will get him to open up and talk to you more about his feelings.

cece · 12/10/2015 19:55

He has a right to privacy. He obviously doesn't want to share with you )yet).

However, I do empathise.

ilovesooty · 12/10/2015 19:55

What Seeyou said. You can't expect him to share stuff with you if he doesn't want to.

DamnCommandments · 12/10/2015 19:56

Isn't the problem here that he doesn't ever open up? I think the counselling probably should be private and personal to him - but it's not a marriage if he can't talk to you. I don't know how you've stayed patient, especially if he's been blowing up at you or the kids.

NeverGoOutOfStyle · 12/10/2015 19:56

YABU, counselling is private between the client and the practitioner, if he wants to share he can but he shouldn't feel like he has to share any of it with you, he will if he wants to or when he feels ready. I think its fine to ask how the session went and if he feels its helpful but no more details than that. I know its hard, but you do just have to leave it to him to share or not to share.

KatieLatie · 12/10/2015 19:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

mikado1 · 12/10/2015 20:16

Hmmm...Thanks all. I can see iabu but thank you for being kind about pointing it out. I did start with asking generally if it was useful or if he thought it made any difference (I can't see any yet). It's only a month in but I thought maybe the counsellor might have suggested what the main issue seems to be (or if there was a diagnosis of something) and was just generally interested in any insight he was taking from it-he wouldn't ever ask for my tuppence worth, though I have offered to share my feelings on it.

Yes damncommandments he does blow up on us at times-very intolerant/impatient more than anything which is why I said he needed to speak to someone.

OP posts:

FeelsLikeHome123 · 12/10/2015 20:17

Yabu. Your dh is going to counselling to sort his issues, it is a neutral outlet for whatever was/is bothering him. Try not to take it personally, the most important thing is that you get your 'original' dh back. See the positives

catfordbetty · 12/10/2015 20:19

I agree with Katie, you've done well to get him there in the first place. Rushing things now might encourage him to give up on the counselling. And, as others have said, he may never want to share.

slicedfinger · 12/10/2015 20:21

From personal experience I was so wrung out and emotionally exhausted after counselling that I couldn't talk to DH about it even if I wanted to.

Original poster

mikado1 · 12/10/2015 20:24

Thanks you two, yes I can see I might put him off. Tbh it was a bit of an ultimatum in the end re him going, he really had to do something. Unfortunately I think this is 'the original', just I wasn't so aware of the issues and what I did see I minimised so this couldddefinitely take some time to bear fruit..

OP posts:

Original poster

mikado1 · 12/10/2015 20:27

I can understand that slicedfinger and I am going to apologise and keep my mouth shut and my nose out schtum from now on. It's just he doesn't even say it's worthwhile/exhausting/anything.

OP posts:

PacificMouse · 12/10/2015 20:31

The thing is, in counselling, he should be talking about a lot of things, incl things he doesn't want to share with you (eg how he feels about you).

So I can see why he wouldn't want to share that with you.

However, he is doing the counselling for a very specific reason and because YOU have pushed him to do so. There was an ultimatum there and I feel it would be OK to give you some idea of progress. ie not what has been said but if he thinks things are getting clearer for him (or not for that matter).

Fwiw, when I had counselling, things got much worse. It opened up a lot of things I had brushed under the carpet and I was more stressed and shouty/emotional than before the counselling. Counselling DID help me undertstand a lot of what was going on and helped me move forward though, which was the whole point. It just wasn't plain sailing.

TendonQueen · 12/10/2015 20:32

You've seen by now that YABU about the counselling. But I can see why you would feel disappointed if it doesn't seem to be having any kind of knock on effect in your daily life together. Is he still as anxious / short as he was, and what form does this take? I'd have to say it's asking a lot for counselling to have a major effect within a few weeks. But then it also depends how difficult everything has got and what you hope for in terms of things changing.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 12/10/2015 20:33

I think you've had a bit of a hard time here.
Yes, yabu about expecting him to share his counselling, but is there an option for also arranging some joint counselling? So that you can be supported in sharing your thoughts? It seems a little unfair that he gets to go to counselling but you're left feeling left out / frustrated.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 12/10/2015 20:36

The counsellor won't be (or shouldn't be) telling him what the main issue is that is for him to work out himself

It's very early days yet he may make changes what those will be only time will tell

Let him just get on with it

TheExMotherInLaw · 12/10/2015 20:37

^This^

CordeliaScott · 12/10/2015 20:37

Yabu. However, it would probably help to maybe have some sessions which you can both attend as clearly you seem to be having communication difficulties. But ultimately if he was happy to discuss it with you he probably wouldn't need counselling.

Penfold007 · 12/10/2015 20:38

YABVU to even ask him to share. Maybe some counselling for you would be helpful.

TheExMotherInLaw · 12/10/2015 20:38

Oops, sorry for above - formatting error.
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged has said exactly what I think

Heyheyheygoodbye · 12/10/2015 20:39

It might be helpful to remember that for many people (me included) the most precious thing about counselling/therapy is that nothing you say in there can hurt anyone else. That repercussion-free zone is sacred so don't take it personally

FeelsLikeHome123 · 12/10/2015 20:41

Counselling is a bit like an onion, there are many layers and it is not always clear what the core of the cause until you delve through each layer. One month is early days, it can be a long process.

DeathstarDame · 12/10/2015 20:43

YABU but I understand why you would want to know.

Maybe in time your DH will feel able to open up to you but you need to wait until he is ready. It's good that he's made the step to talk to someone, hopefully opening up will make him feel better and help with his temper.

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