to expect dh to share about his counselling

[mikado1]

I think I will be told I abu but he is going after months of me encouraging it. I feel he is suffering from some kind of anxiety and it effects our day to day life; he's stressed/short tempered/reactive. Anyway he has been going a few weeks now and I asked him would he be sharing anything he's found useful or helpful and he said no. Thing is he doesn't ever open up and never shares so I was hoping the counsellor would draw some things out that he might then be able to talk about with me. I know he doesn't have to. He said it's his thing and I said it might be but it effects me all the time. .

So aibu? (Hides eyes with hands)

Thanks again. Hearing others' experiences of their own/loved ones counselling really helps. I am a real sharer myself and just a talker in general but I know you're right senpai and getting started was a huge thing for him. I think the dcs are foremost in his mind, they certainly are in mine and they are the reason I made the stand.

That's what I find hard senpai those boundaries, counselling or not, which is why I enquired about it so I could have an idea of where I stood/what to expect.

mikado I have no idea how DH is doing! As long as things are better than his first session when he came out sobbing and far worse than he was before...( and no coping strategies suggested so Ifelt left to pick up the pieces)
But I hope you and your DH get on well and make progress. And that he's kinder to you.

YABU to want info on counselling.

YANBU to want him to treat you reasonably and stop the unacceptable (abusive?) behaviours. Whatever he's got going on health wise or otherwise he shouldn't be treating you like that.

You can expect him to control his temper, and it's up to him to figure out how to do that.

I think he's hoping, as I am, that the counselling will help him figure that out. I do find setting boundaries on it hard as so many friends say, for example, that they shout at their toddler regularly. So what's acceptable/normal? It's daily here and he works 8-5 ie out of house. Today was first day in a few weeks no shouting and real patience tho I could hear his tolerance starting to evaporate by bedtime. I hear and see him really trying but just getting frustrated and not managing to rein it in when toddler pushes buttons. And of course he pushes wondering what reaction he will get. Anyway, I digress!

He's trying, he didn't shout...that sounds like positive progress to me, mikado.

Everyone has lost their temper and shouted at their toddler in exasperation. But you don't want it to be a habit. Getting yelled at every day is demoralizing, even for an adult.

It does sound like he's making an effort, and that's great.

What helps me have patience for mine is knowing how her brain development works. It's harder to get angry with her if you know that she's just at the developmental stage of cause and effect, and that it's not personal against you or what you say.

I also pass DD off to DH when I'm getting frustrated with her. I get a breather and come back when I've had some time to myself. He does the same.

Thanks senpai and I have said that about developmental stages etc. He knows it, he just can't always keep his cool in the heat of the moment.

YABVVVVVU

I think you have taken the comments here really well. I am in agreement that feeling pressure to share these sorts of things is not productive. However I do think that you have every right to discuss practical methods with him for dealing with blow ups and managing his irritability / temper.

This could be steps you both agree on, or asking him to spend some time either in his therapy sessions or via another method coming up with ways to manage his emotions when it all gets too much.

That to me is not intruding on vulnerable things he may not be ready to share, rather a joint decision and commitment to making your joint homelife less fractious.

Shouting at tiny DC on a daily basis is totally unacceptable IMO and would be a deal breaker for me in a relationship.

How long was this going on before he agreed it wasn't OK?

Does he shout at you as well?

Does he keep his temper at work?

Look, we all know it's a bit U to ask him to share what goes on in the sessions, but of course you want to know what's going on with him in a more general sense. You sound really patient, good for you for putting your foot down though.

I think this post is a really good one and sums it up well

"My DH has been going to counselling for a couple of months for anxiety, and I am finding it very very difficult not to want to know what he talks about. I absolutely know I am not allowed to ask but the feeling that he is opening up to a stranger, perhaps about me or our relationship, or telling her his deepest thoughts and fears while I am left floundering in the dark is extremely difficult. Part of me finds it quite damaging to our relationship as I am one of those people who shares with their other half."

I had my first counselling session yesterday. TBH it was a great deal harder than I expected, and I'm not a totally repressed person.

Having someone give their sheer focused attention to you, listening and repeating your words, asking you if you realise you've said certain things and what they mean to you ... it's actually a bit unnerving.

It's been on my mind ever since and is really, really distracting me today; I'm going to have to book the afternoon off as I'm not able to think about anything else properly and that's not fair to my boss.

I don't know if I can face going back TBH but maybe that's the point, it was never going to be some easy "there there" session.

Crucially, and sorry for rambling on to get to this point - I don't know how to recap the session to someone else. I don't quite remember everything that was said, and it wasn't a clinical yes/no/results situation. My DH is very supportive and I tell him everything - but all I could say was that I cried. I think that would probably be the same for the next few.

So he's probably not locking you out to be an arse. Give him time and I hope you see results, but don't be afraid to challenge bad behaviour in the meantime

Thanks again. This thread has been really helpful to me.

DuckDeamon I asked four times over 7 months... Three times too many. Each time he absolutely agreed but said making the call was extremely difficult. He doesn't often shout at me, I tell him it's not on and he generally leaves the room then. He said he does lose temper at work sometimes. What I see with ds is lack of patience and tolerance for theage he is. He is extremely patient a lot of the time with him but definitely takes his frustrations out on him at times. To me, demoralising comments are as bad as shouting and I hate them. I know he has heard these comments himself growing up. There has been no shouting and a lot of love and patience, with some exasperation, since Monday night. .

That really gives me an idea of the intensity of it anddeepbreath. I hope it proves helpful for you

duckdeamon it is a dealbreaker for me but I find it hard to say 'that time was the one time too many' iykwim but it is for the dc that I insisted on it and in the end gave an ultimatum. Thing is between saying it each time there were lots of good times etc. I feel he is very repressed and I know he keeps a lot of anger, even everyday annoyance, inside, slow to stick up for himself etc.

Happy to help mikado ... I really hadn't appreciated how difficult it would be. It's a strange feeling forcing yourself to open up to a stranger, who doesn't listen to the usual social cues and change the conversation when you're uncomfortable or upset!