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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect dh to share about his counselling

68 replies

mikado1 · 12/10/2015 19:49

I think I will be told I abu but he is going after months of me encouraging it. I feel he is suffering from some kind of anxiety and it effects our day to day life; he's stressed/short tempered/reactive. Anyway he has been going a few weeks now and I asked him would he be sharing anything he's found useful or helpful and he said no. Thing is he doesn't ever open up and never shares so I was hoping the counsellor would draw some things out that he might then be able to talk about with me. I know he doesn't have to. He said it's his thing and I said it might be but it effects me all the time. .

So aibu? (Hides eyes with hands)

OP posts:

florentina1 · 12/10/2015 20:45

It is very early days and I think he should be allowed to keep things private until he is ready. He may be learning some unpleasant facts about himself. He may be uncovering some deep and upsetting memories. A good counsellor will help him, but only if your OH is allowed to go at his own pace.

I hope you don't mind me giving you some advice. If you notice an improvement or change for the better, do not refer to it in terms of the counselling. Whatever his issues were he has to try to heal himself. There is nothing worse than to feel you are being watched or closely observed.

NuckyS · 12/10/2015 20:48

I shared (some) of my counselling with DW and did not get a very helpful response.

I totally understand where you're coming from, but counselling should be a safe space for him where he can discuss these issues freely.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 12/10/2015 20:50

I agree, it sounds like pretty early days really. And yy that counselling should be a place where he feels like he can talk about stuff that is difficult to talk about it real life.

I do understand your frustration. Perhaps in time it would be worth the two of you having some counselling as a couple? (with a different counsellor)

KittyandTeal · 12/10/2015 20:51

You already know yabu.

In my experience it takes quite a bit longer than a month. He's probably only just learning to open up let alone dealing with issues yet.

It took me 2 years, a medicated break, 12 weeks, the inutero death of my dd2 and a further 7 months of counselling to get to a fairly functional state. Granted my issues may have been deeper than your dhs but that's a bit of a time frame.

Counselling is really powerful in my view but it isn't a quick fix, it can take years depending on where the anxiety is coming from. My first 'symptom' was anxiety, after I started counselling it all unraveled.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/10/2015 20:55

Is it remotely possible that the reason he is stressed is because you are nosy, controlling and intrusive? People have a right to keep their thoughts to themselves and some are more generally reticent than others. It's pretty stressful to have someone constantly pecking away at you to 'share your feelings', and maybe the counselling will actually help him tell you to back off.

fiftyshadesofgrot · 12/10/2015 20:55

If he never opens up or shares then that is your DH and he is most likely to stay that way. Counselling is a very private matter so YABU Im afraid.

If the counselling improves things then it will show in time.

Would he go to see his GP? He might be suffering from depression too.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 12/10/2015 21:04

SolidGoldBrass - that seems harsh. Yes, people have the right to keep their thoughts to themselves, but if doing that is damaging a relationship then surely seeking ways to try to share those thoughts (or at least hoping that's possible) is positive?

DamnCommandments · 12/10/2015 21:22

Blimey SBG! My DH is not a natural 'sharer', especially when stressed or anxious, but we're a team. If his stress affects the team, he knows he needs to discuss it, at least at a minimal level. For me, I tend to obsess about the trivia rather than the big stuff. I know that when it starts to affect family life, I have to talk to DH about why he's getting the third degree about his calendar, for example, when we have bigger fish to fry (like moving house). I don't think he could reasonably be expected to put up with it otherwise.

wineandcheeseplease · 12/10/2015 21:36

Yes YABU. I never spoke to anyone about my counselling and never would.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/10/2015 17:13

Depends. If he's had months of being pestered to talk about his feelings when he's not the type that likes doing that, which has made him irritable (as it would many people, me included), followed by months of pestering to go to a counsellor because OP has decided that he needs to be made to obey her and 'open up', and it's now being followed by ongoing pestering to tell her what happens in counselling, I really do find myself hoping he gets the confidence to tell her he's had enough.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 13/10/2015 19:11

He may not be going to counselling to change his ways

There are many reasons why people go and more often than not the presenting issue that brings them there is quite often put aside very quickly

Much if what is said in therapy if typed up in a manuscript would be very boring to read as what is going in for the client and between the therapist and the client is where the work is. So even if he told you what he said/therapist said it may not give you any indication of what is going on for him

Mintyy · 13/10/2015 19:17

I'm going to gently say yabu too.

Obviously I don't know anything about your relationship, but ime quite often it is the very fact of being in a long term and committed partnership (with all the expectations that that entails) and no room for privacy or autonomy, which in itself causes stress and anxiety in people.

KitKatCustard · 13/10/2015 19:32

Are you me? Or am I you? My DH has been going to counselling for a couple of months for anxiety, and I am finding it very very difficult not to want to know what he talks about. I absolutely know I am not allowed to ask but the feeling that he is opening up to a stranger, perhaps about me or our relationship, or telling her his deepest thoughts and fears while I am left floundering in the dark is extremely difficult. Part of me finds it quite damaging to our relationship as I am one of those people who shares with their other half.

So you have both my sympathy and empathy OP, but I have no idea how to get over it!

yorkshapudding · 13/10/2015 19:37

A month is very, very early days in terms of counselling. He is still getting to know (and hopefully trust) his therapist and may not have felt able to share anything very significant with them yet. Being quizzed about his 'progress' after only a few weeks is likely to make him feel extremely pressured. It is important that your DH isn't made to feel that he has to somehow evidence that counselling is producing 'results', he should be using the sessions as a safe space to explore his thoughts and feelings at his own pace. His goals for therapy may be different to what you think he should be working on. In the nicest way possible, If your reason for pushing for DH to have counselling was purely to change his behavior then you may need to manage your expectations.

Purplepoodle · 13/10/2015 19:43

we did couple counselling once we each had individual counselling - OH was very messed up emotionally due to past and needed to address that in private on his own before we could move forward and I need help/support on how to deal with OH issues.

Shineyshoes10 · 13/10/2015 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamnCommandments · 13/10/2015 19:46

I think this would be a very useful thread for people to read whenever counselling is suggested. Pretty sure, in general, that people absolutely do expect some change to come from it. OP - it seems to me that you find his behaviour unacceptable... And I don't blame you. Something's going to change, right?

I completely see why you can't ask what's going on in counselling, but you can and you should let him know what will happen if he can't act like he's in a loving relationship. And if you can't ask a partner why he's just bitten your head off for the fourth time in a day, then what the fuck are you supposed to do?

KitKatCustard · 13/10/2015 19:47

I get what you're saying shiney but nothing could be worse than my imagination.
And I used to be a counsellor!

KitKatCustard · 13/10/2015 19:52

I suppose it's the idea that in a marriage people don't, or aren't supposed to, keep damaging secrets from one another ( surprise presents not included). Therefore one party essentially saying " I am going off to tell someone else lots of secret stuff and I have no intention of telling you what" feels very hurtful and isolating for the partner remaining.
And I guess, most of us have no warning of this, or no expectation we will feel this way.

Shineyshoes10 · 13/10/2015 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mikado1 · 13/10/2015 20:06

I apologised unreservedly last night after posting here and he accepted graciously. I won't be mentioning it again but you've made a helpful point there DamnCommandments, thank you, either way the behaviour can't continue so I suppose what I really wanted to know was, not details from the session but when I can expect the behaviour to improve as ssome timeline would be great so I can know my limit; it can't go on as it's been.

KitKatCustard, hope your dh is getting on well. I am not bothered at all by him opening up to someone else, in fact if he's really doing that I'm delighted to think he could be being really honest and getting some help from a professional on it. I just genuinely care about what his thoughts on it are and as I said above, I wonder if it's going to have a real life knock on.

SolidGoldBrass your reading of what the position might be is nothing like the situation, honestly. As I say I minimised the problem for a long time, hoping it would go away.

OP posts:

AskBasil · 13/10/2015 20:07

YABU to expect him to share his counselling

But YANBU to expect him to communicate with you

Senpai · 13/10/2015 20:10

Yeah, the shitty thing about therapy is that you don't know if it's working for someone or not until you see it working (or not).

It would be nice to know if he has a diagnosis so you at least know what you're dealing with on your end and have some answers. But, I would for now just be supportive and let him come around on his own time.

A guy who doesn't like sharing his feelings is going to therapy on your suggestion, I think that really speaks volumes about what you mean to him. Don't underestimate how hard that is. I doubt he's blocking you out over anything personal.

I would just ask him vague questions when he gets back "Hey! How are you doing? What shall we have for dinner?" and keep it vague and casual. I've found that people will tell you the most when you don't ask about it because it takes the pressure off.

stopfaffing · 13/10/2015 20:13

Its hard, OP, but what is said in the session is confidential unless he wants to talk to you. My son (aged about 9 at the time) went to a counsellor, I took him every week to a nearby city, waiting outside, bringing him home. I never asked him what was said and he never mentioned their discussions.

That's the way it is. The counselling was very helpful to him, so I was happy.

Senpai · 13/10/2015 20:14

Oh. Read your other posts.

Don't let therapy change your boundaries, therapy isn't an excuse to put up with shit. If blowing up at you is unacceptable, it's still unacceptable even if he's got the most horrendous MH in the world.

Therapy will just help him stay in those boundaries but they still need to be there with "consequences".

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