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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think people enjoy moaning about things they could easily change?

116 replies

Trippedinmuck · 10/10/2015 20:25

I've just come home from a "friends" house, we had a discussion that went sort of like this:
"Youre so lucky being a SAHM, I'm sick of working all the hours God sends and not seeing my little girl." she says,
"Work less then" I say,
"I can't afford to work less" she replies,
"I'm sure you could if you gave up a few things"
"Why should I give up anything?"
"Well do you need 2 fortnight holidays abroad a year? Theres £10000 saved. Do you need this 3 bed semi when theres only you and you daughter? Move nearer work and pay less than £800 each month. get a cheaper to run car because you're an office worker and not a farmer, I don't think you need a 4x4, theres another £3k a year saved. do you need the massive sky package? You don't watch sport, theres £100 a month plus saved, do you need to shop with Ocado? surely Tescos is cheaper?"
"Oh no, I don't want to give up holidays, car, house, sky, Ocado etc"
"Then stop moaning"

Lmfao and smfh.

OP posts:

LadyMaryofDownt0n · 11/10/2015 08:14

Yep, one woman judging another woman, judging each other about their choices!

Bloody hell just stop it. Some single mother have/want to work, some choose not to work, some mothers stay at home as a housewife because they can.

This whole let's judge each other's choices to feel more superior than the other makes me sick.

RandomMess · 11/10/2015 08:15

I think I'm just too pragmatic...

Someone once moaned relentlessly about not being able to afford their credit card payments whilst simultaneously being half way through saving up for a trip of a lifetime. I did try and explain about interest rates etc.

Leavingsosoon · 11/10/2015 08:16

But does any choice then mean that you cannot moan about it? I don't know the context but I think some of the things people mention here about 'moaning' might actually just be chatting. If I 'moan' about something (like toddlers behaviour for example) I don't want someone to lecture me about what I need to be doing, I just want chuckles and sympathy and 'yeah, mine did that too!'

Obviously, if I said to someone 'I am really struggling with DDs behaviour, what should I do.' that would be different.

RandomMess · 11/10/2015 08:22

It completely depends on the attitude - it's the "Woe is me, I a so hard done by" day after day despite much listening and sympathy I struggle with.

I know so many people who are genuinely trapped by their circumstances, busting a gut, zero family support etc.

Yeah I guess they just enjoy a good moan and are too insensitive to ever think of their audience...

MissDuke · 11/10/2015 08:23

The woman clearly works blooming hard, can't she have a little moan now and again about it? Don't we all sometimes think the grass is greener, I am sure if you were truthful op there are times that you wished you had your own income and career?

I could see your point until the 'my little pony' thing, including that was very nasty and proves you really are not a friend to her at all.

I personally think that having a moan about ourselves is good for the soul. Not when it is about a 'friend' though.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 11/10/2015 08:33

When you said 'work less' what did you mean OP?

Is your 'friend' self employed?

Because if she is a salaried professional there is probably little chance of going part time (and that may not be enough for a LP).

And even dropping hours as a self employed person isn't always doable, you can't just tell your clients no without it harming your business.

You sound out if touch with regards to commercial relaity, OP.

SoupDragon · 11/10/2015 08:35

TBH, you don't sound like that great a friend. I'm glad you areentomeofmine - you are supposed to ba able to whinge to friends without them subsequently bitching about you on a large social media site.

SoupDragon · 11/10/2015 08:36

Did you name change especially for this?

londonrach · 11/10/2015 08:41

£10.000 for holidays. Wow we spent £3000travelling across american for 3 months. That does seem an awful lot for 2 x2 week holidays. It must be flying and far away, somewhere hot. We certainly travel for. Alot less than that. Maybe its where you go as we usually go to germany and book rooms as we travel so get amazing deals. Honestly can say we lucky if we pay more than £800 for 2 people one week, using the train. However this friend of yours sounds like shes working very hard. She feels relaxed with you op about this. Why not have a moan back and possibly a laugh about life (sharing a bottle of wine). The grass always seems greener unless you stand on it. Yes there are solutions to her moans but maybe she just wants a good friend (which is views you as) to listen to them. If you dont want to make polite excuses orturn the conversation onto something different.

Aquarius320 · 11/10/2015 08:54

This woman can work less. She could change jobs! It really sad hearing how this mother doesn't really know her daughter. I don't think this little girl will look back and be proud of her mother raking it in, working hours at every opportunity, I think she'll look back resentful that her mother didn't spend more time with her.

I don't think the op is jealous at all. I think the mother in question feels terribly guilty. But her sense of guilt does not override her want for the niceties in life.

Leavingsosoon · 11/10/2015 08:55

Woman, know your place ...

iloveeverykindofcat · 11/10/2015 08:57

I think a lot of people underestimate how much of life is a choice and pretend it's inevitable because that's easier than making a different choice and dealing with the consequences. A lot of the things we complain that we 'have' to do, we don't have to at all. We'd just rather do them than the alternative.

Minionkeeper · 11/10/2015 09:10

I seem to be reading this differently from everyone else. I've been there. The moaning friend who did nothing to fix the issues? That was me.

I have a friend who is fabulously outspoken and when I moaned about my child not sleeping. . For 3 years... she patiently offered solutions. When i moaned about my mum's bizarre behaviour she told me - repeatedly - about her nan's dementia diagnosis until I was ready to hear what she said and do something about it. She wasn't jealous but she did get sick of me moaning and tried to suggest alternatives. Ditto the friend who, when i moaned about having no cash because dh was struggling to find a job pointed out that i could afford to go out if we'd not redone the kitchen with an inheritance. ..i didn't mention it again. She was right. I'd made my choice. (It was the right choice though!).

People who moan about the same things and don't even try to fix them are very boring and miserable company

TheOddity · 11/10/2015 09:11

I feel for this woman. It probably doesn't feel like a choice to her. Sounds like she is in a managerial job that won't likely offer reduced hours and so her 'choice' is either to continue the status quo and enjoy the side benefits like nice car, holidays etc, or a demotion and reduced hours, probably living a lot nearer the breadline to spend time with her dd. You need to walk in someone's shoes for a while before you judge. I personally find it hard to imagine having the paralysing weight of it all on my shoulders as a single parent, knowing if I make the wrong move it could all come crashing down. Try to have compassion OP.

JoySzasz · 11/10/2015 09:17

If she were a friend you wouldn't have posted this.

If you don't feel she is and you are not close, why worry?

Your friend sounds like she makes decent money. In cutting her hours, her job probably wouldn't exist.

Plus, it is very easy to go from being comfortable to struggling. Sometimes with not much of a salary or hourly change.

You need to calm yourself, and look after your own nest.

sparkleup · 11/10/2015 09:17

I think the problem is there are several types of people who moan. Some genuinely just want a moan and someone to nod their head. Some want active suggestions. Some do it to stealth boast. Some do it to create sympathy and control. Some just say it aloud because they're trying to work something through in their heads and the sounding of it helps. Others do it for reasons I won't have listed or thought of.

Totally depends on how often it happens and what situation or type of person they're moaning too.

iloveeverykindofcat · 11/10/2015 09:18

It's not the moaning I object to (to a point). Sure, a good moan can be liberating. It's the 'have to' and 'can't' stuff that gets to me.

sparkleup · 11/10/2015 09:23

minionkeeper both you and your friend sound lovely insightful people. You prove you can be outspoken, offer advice and criticism and still be a good friend (in fact I prefer my friends like this, I don't need someone to keep telling me I'm wonderful - unless I am of course ).

PurpleHairAndPearls · 11/10/2015 09:24

I think the word "friend" actually doesn't mean friend to a lot of people in AIBU

I think they actually think "friend" means someone I actually don't like very much

PeopleLieActionsDont · 11/10/2015 09:25

I'm kind of with the OP - the friend is making a choice. If she really wanted more time with her dd, she could look for a job which enables her to do so. However, it would pay less and so she'd have to give up the expensive holidays etc.

The friend values her job and lifestyle and doesn't want to change it. That's her choice, it isn't being imposed on her. Therefore she shouldn't whinge about how hard done by she is, because she really isn't.

As for the dd growing up to be proud of her - that may or may not happen. It's equally likely that she may grow up wishing her mum had been around more.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 11/10/2015 09:27

Oh and by the way, those people who say all this "DC would rather spend time with their parent (and by this they always mean mother) than have things", I would give the following advice...

WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE TEENAGERS

cruikshank · 11/10/2015 09:27

I think your 'friend' needs to find some better friends than you, OP.

Crazypetlady · 11/10/2015 09:28

We would be better off without sky. I enjoy the documentaries and movies therefore I am not going to give it up. I'd rather have some nice things than more money as I want to enjoy myself.
Maybe as a friend she was just off loading to you. She probably uses these holidays to spend time with her dd as she works a lot. Yes she could cut down hours and not go on holiday but why should she ? Everybody needs a moan sometimes , we all want to talk about what we wish we could do. You should have just respected it when she said she didn't want to cut her hours.
She needs a friend not a financial planner.

Floppy5885 · 11/10/2015 09:30

Some people just are very materialistic and put high importance on 'stuff' wrongly thinking it makes them happy. It's 100% their choice though. Of course the friend can change her job and lifestyle if she really wanted to.

kawliga · 11/10/2015 09:44

Many mothers work long hours outside the home and their children look back and feel proud of them. There is nothing to feel guilty about if your work keeps you away from your children for long hours.

As for my little pony. OP, do you spend more time with this child than the mother? No? Don't be so confident that you know the child better than her own mother knows her - even if you do, it's not because of how many hours you spend with the child, so the mother's number of working hours is irrelevant. Sometimes I buy gifts for my dd that other people might wonder about, but I know why I choose the gifts I choose.

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