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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people enjoy moaning about things they could easily change?

116 replies

Trippedinmuck · 10/10/2015 20:25

I've just come home from a "friends" house, we had a discussion that went sort of like this:
"Youre so lucky being a SAHM, I'm sick of working all the hours God sends and not seeing my little girl." she says,
"Work less then" I say,
"I can't afford to work less" she replies,
"I'm sure you could if you gave up a few things"
"Why should I give up anything?"
"Well do you need 2 fortnight holidays abroad a year? Theres £10000 saved. Do you need this 3 bed semi when theres only you and you daughter? Move nearer work and pay less than £800 each month. get a cheaper to run car because you're an office worker and not a farmer, I don't think you need a 4x4, theres another £3k a year saved. do you need the massive sky package? You don't watch sport, theres £100 a month plus saved, do you need to shop with Ocado? surely Tescos is cheaper?"
"Oh no, I don't want to give up holidays, car, house, sky, Ocado etc"
"Then stop moaning"

Lmfao and smfh. Grin

OP posts:
SilentlyScreamingAgain · 10/10/2015 21:15

I think that a mother’s place is in the wrong. It’s still almost impossible to have a part time professional career, companies might claim to be family friendly but ask to drop your hours and you’re no longer taken seriously. Getting back into paid work is always difficult after a career break and even more so if you haven’t trodden a very clear professional employment path.

You don’t need to spend long on MN (or in the real world) to find women who’ve given up careers or the prospect of careers because they think that their husbands are going to provide long-term financial security, who find themselves single and penniless.

I hope it keeps fine for you, OP but if it doesn’t I hope you don’t run into anyone smug enough to think their way is the only way.

Original poster
Trippedinmuck · 10/10/2015 21:16

You do realise details change slightly when posted on here and it was hardly a transcript of the conversation.

OP posts:
CatMilkMan · 10/10/2015 21:18

Sorry, I'm probably not being fair.

JeanSeberg · 10/10/2015 21:20

"Work less then" I say,

Yep. Cos it's as easy as that isn't it. Just change to a reduced hours or part time contract or cut the hours in your existing job and to hell with some tasks not getting done.

CatMilkMan · 10/10/2015 21:27

My issue is life is never that simple and if a friend said to me what your friend said to you I would agree and mention some of the good bits as well as maybe some of the downside.
I wouldn't disagree and try to myth bust the ideas they have, like I said life is not simple and friends make it better even if you have to gloss over the occasional bit of bullshit.

I just realised I may be doing what I'm accusing you of and over analysing your post and calling you on it.
Why don't we all just agree that spiders suck and be friends? Wine

whattheseithakasmean · 10/10/2015 21:28

OP you are the one moaning on this post. Sounds to me like you are jealous of your friend's flashier lifestyle. Why not get a job, instead of sitting at home stewing in bile about someone providing well for herself and her child?

CrapBag · 10/10/2015 21:35

God some people are so twatty in AIBU.

OP, you don't sound jealous. You sound fed up of her moaning about not seeing enough of her daughter but not willing to work less and have less material things. She can't have both and she has made her choice but she moans about it. It's not difficult to get your head around.

The OP also didn't tell this woman to become a SAHM, she said work less. There is a huge difference. I love how people, especially read what they want rather than the actual words on the screen. Hmm

whattheseithakasmean · 10/10/2015 21:51

The OP sounds jealous of her friend's more affluent lifetstyle to me - the way she enumerates all she has and what it has cost suggests an unhealthy overinvestment in some one elses achievements.

ghostyslovesheep · 10/10/2015 22:45

wow your friend works 7 days a week??? or does she see her kids at the weekend - like all us working parents

hazeyjane · 10/10/2015 22:54

I think you need to stop calling her a friend. Friends do not talk about each other in this way.

cogitosum · 10/10/2015 22:57

But could she actually go part time? It's not that easy in lots of jobs. Companies often refuse requests and finding a part time role in the same position may be impossible.

Duck90 · 10/10/2015 23:03

If you were to reverse this, and guess - what would she criticise about your life style? Do you spend no money at all on items that others may say was a waste?

sparkleup · 10/10/2015 23:37

It irritates me when people do this too, its totally about the fact they have the power to change things (ok, some you've mentioned here aren't easy but some are given the circumstances) but its like they want to moan.

Recently I've had two friends moan to me about how hard life is for them financially. Both of them spent large amounts of the previous fortnights eating out for lunch and having takeaways. I got one day out in that fortnight (the money spent on which totalled about £20). It's so nice for me to have a day's break they say, I'll never understand their hardship. WTF??? Granted, that day was great but I had to pack my own lunch because the money choice was ticket or food. If you want to spend a day out like I did, skip a takeaway one night. The takeaway I can't afford!!!!

I am a bit jealous, but then I'm not the one moaning I'm broke. Because I'm not, there are loads of people out there who don't even have the means to have my choice.

Floppy5885 · 11/10/2015 00:25

You're not jealous OP.

I think it's totally acceptable to be honest with a friend who thinks their situation in unchangeable and stuck. As long as it's done in a kind way!

multivac · 11/10/2015 00:41

I don't have "friends".

I have friends.

It's pretty simple, and means I don't have to rehash dull conversations online in an attempt to validate my own life and choices. You might like to try it, OP. It's just a case of losing the ironic quotation marks and, y'know, finding some friends.

trollkonor · 11/10/2015 00:54

Many people cant just work less and and still get the same rate per hour. What often happens is they get their annual salary and do the unpaid overtime. Or they they get the part time salary but for the full time job. Do you know her job and the market? Can she just reduce her hours?

Spartans · 11/10/2015 06:30

maybe the OP wouldn't be quite so judgey and smug if she had to work for a living as a SP.

What are you talking about?

Op you don't come across as jealous or nasty or judge. You are simply fed up of being moaned at when she could change the situation. If she wants to spend more time with her child then she knows what to do. It doesn't matter if it's not easy to reduce her hours. The reason she won't do it, is because she likes the extras working a lot brings, not because her work won't allow her to reduce her hours.

Tbh if that's what's she wants to do, that's fine. Just don't moan about it. It's a choice she has made and she likes the level of lifestyle she has. She isn't a victim of her circumstance. She is choosing to work a lot to pay for the extras. So she should crack on. It's the moaning that's the problem.

It always amazes me that people don't know anything about other peoples finances on mn. I don't sit dbro down and discuss money, but he will moan that sky has gone up again or show me his new phone. I looked at getting a new iPhone as mine is on its last legs. So I know how much they cost. I know he has been away, sometimes not until after he is back and he drops off a Toberlone for the kids. And then moans about them being poor. I have no idea what he earns, but I do know that he moans about money and mentions huge expenses.

Lndnmummy · 11/10/2015 07:39

You sound very judgemental to be honest about her little she sees her little one. Those hours you describe are very common for most working parents. Imagine the pressure she is under, as a single mother trying to provide for her young daughter.
Why cant she vent to her friend that she wishes she could see her child more? Most of us working parents wish that we could (thankfully, my friends dont judge me when I do, I think).

It is not as easy as just working less, if it was all mums would choose work part time. Another poster put it very eloquentluly above. To think everyone can just "work less" is very naive.

Casimir · 11/10/2015 07:42

Its not moaning, its boasting.

IzzyS · 11/10/2015 07:43

Wow, I'll give it to you, you've got balls, I wish i had the nerve to speak so frankly lol. I totally get were you're coming from. I've posted yesterday about a friend of mine who keeps having digs at me for being a sahm whilst she works a grand total of 16 hours a week and thinks she's a full time worker.

I'm currently a sahm because my ds is autistic and I had to give up my job because school couldn't cope with him and were calling me in at least once a week to go in and calm him or to take him home. My "friend" who I've started to cut her out of my life has such an easy life, works minimal hours to get the most in benefits, she's out every weekend whilst her "ex" minds the kids, she has a full sky package, buys new clothes weekly, haircuts and blow drys every week, manicures etc every week then she moans she's skint, it's ridiculous.

Leavingsosoon · 11/10/2015 07:48

Haircuts every week?

Jeez. She'd be bald!

NotSayingImBatman · 11/10/2015 07:55

The problem is, if you've reached management level, the extra hours are part of the deal. You don't get to say "right, I'd quite like to work a three day week".

The company may agree, and your salary would drop accordingly, but you'd still be working full time hours to keep on top of everything, so effectively working a couple of days for free.

If she were to take a less demanding position to lower her hours, her pay would decrease dramatically. Remember, there isn't a DP working in the background in her setup, this may push them to be reliant on benefits, a very precarious position to be in.

One day, her daughter will be extremely proud of her DM, she's being set a fantastic example of doing your very best for your children in challenging circumstances.

IzzyS · 11/10/2015 08:07

Well, blow drys every week and trims and full hair cuts in between but at fancy salons, and no before anyone suggests I'm not Jealous, my brother is a hairdresser at a top well known salon so I get my hair done for free:) I was just trying to get across that I understand the op's frustrations. In the case of my "friend" she only works part time but she has her children in full time nursery and after schools clubs so that she can have some me time. Fair enough it's her choice, but she has to pay out a lot of money for this but then moans cosntantly that she's skint. She goes out weekly and spends a fortune but if she were to say cut back on that then she'd easily be able to afford to pay for childcare that in reality to be honest, she doesn't need.

RandomMess · 11/10/2015 08:07

Things is this person isn't saying "it would be career suicide" or "I've asked and they won't let me reduce/change my hours" - they are clearly saying they can't do without a certain lifestyle.

I think they judgement about someone not knowing their child enough etc is completely uncalled for. I do know a fair few people who moan about having "no money" and being so hard done to that never go out without day to day extravagances. I just get fed up of it.

Perhaps I should just bang on about how little we lived off for 5/6 years when we lived in the south east on shitty civil service salaries - no holidays, no new clothes, not using the car because we couldn't afford fuel. Yes I could have worked full time and been about £50 per week better off (I did the maths) however I made a choice, therefore I didn't moan about it!

capsium · 11/10/2015 08:08

I think some people enjoy a moan. They are seeking sympathy and understanding that their live isn't all great. They don't necessarily want a solution to their problems.

Have you indicated you are envious of her lifestyle, OP? She might just be trying to counteract that.

NB not all 4x4s are expensive gas guzzlers. There are hybrid versions...