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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want more time with my niece

72 replies

Ineedholiday · 10/10/2015 15:37

My brother and his partner live 50yards away with their DD. The last time I saw my niece was around a month ago for approximately 15 mins. It seems his partner prefers to give childcare to her family and friends. She always has a member of her family around at her house but we have to ask permission to go over.
I know my brother is unhappy about the situation but let's her get on with it. It's feels like we are being pushed away. All I want is to spend a little bit more time with my beautiful niece. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a week off work soon and would love to have her for just 1 hour but I know it's not going to happen.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 10/10/2015 15:39

you need to befriend your SIL

Dreamiesrcatopium · 10/10/2015 15:45

Seems like there may be a back story here? If not then that's very unfair. Have you tried asking your SIL yourself if you can go over and see your niece? Do the two of you get along?
I'm an Auntie myself, without any children of my own, and have always had a huge role in my neces and nephews lives, so I can empathise with you. All depends on the circumstances though.

gobbynorthernbird · 10/10/2015 15:50

So your brother doesn't ever invite you round or bring your niece to you?

Bellebella · 10/10/2015 15:57

Why is it your sil's fault? That's the impression from your post anyway.

I like the majority of my inlaws, I do but I have sometimes been annoyed at the fact they can complain about me if they are not seeing my son more but they forget the fact his dad has him 3 days a week while I study in which time he never ever takes the baby to see his side of the family.

Surely it's your brother's responsibility for you and your family to see your niece?

As a mother I know I do gravitate towards my family more. I am obviously closer to them although I do often meet up with my mil. If you don't really have a relationship with your sil then it's understandable she sees her family more.

FrozenPonds · 10/10/2015 16:05

Your niece isn't a toy for you to have a share in.

Do you get on with her parents? If you don't have much to do with them as a family, they are hardly just going to hand their child over to you.

It's all very well blaming your sister in law, but if your brother actually wanted to see more of you, I guess he would.

enderwoman · 10/10/2015 16:08

Befriend your SiL so she feels more comfortable asking you.
Does she know you well? Well enough to know that you're doing it for the right reasons and that she won't be required to repay your kindness in any way?
If you read posts on here, babysitting can be a minefield.

Spartans · 10/10/2015 16:13

I don't allow my all in my house at all. She is awful and thinks nothing of belittling me or my kids. So she isn't welcome.

It's impossible to say if yanbu from your op. You may have been awful to her, she may be an awful person. Baring in mind that your dbro is as much to blame since it's also his house and his child.

Morganly · 10/10/2015 16:16

Is it obvious to her that you want to see your niece but not her? How often did you see her and your brother before your niece came along? I agree with the PP that you probably need to build up a relationship with the whole family rather than expect to be able to take your niece off by herself. Your comment about family and friends doing childcare does suggest this as presumably she saw a lot of them before the baby arrived so they are her obvious go to babysitters.

Two suggestions. Offer to babysit at a time that would be helpful for her e.g. So she can go to the hairdresser or she and your brother can have an evening out or something, rather than at a time convenient for you I.e. When you are on holiday. Secondly, invite all of them round to your house for a weekend lunch or tea.

yorkshapudding · 10/10/2015 16:16

Another one wondering if there's a back story here.

My own SIL could have written the same post about DD. To an outsider it would seem that I have pushed her out and I'm sure she thinks its all down to me but actually DH feels the exact same way I do and there are some very, very good reasons why we keep her at arms length and don't want her to be an influence in DD's life.

What was your relationship like with SIL and DB before DD came along?

maddening · 10/10/2015 16:17

Your sils friends and family go to see her and her dd - if you only go to see her dc I can see why she wouldn't want your company, could your db ask you round for dinner a few times so you get to know sil?

Branleuse · 10/10/2015 16:21

how old is your neice?

yorkshapudding · 10/10/2015 16:22

Also, with regards to you 'having to ask permission' to visit, that's pretty normal actually. Lots of people don't appreciate visiotrs turning up unannounced, so it's generally the done thing to call or text first to make sure it's convenient. If you feel hard done by that you can't just rock up whenever you fancy then that may go some way to explaining why SIL has been less than keen.

Gottagetmoving · 10/10/2015 16:23

If you know your brother is unhappy with the situation then ask him why he doesn't sort this out with your sil.
Only he can sort this out but I suppose you could tell your sil how you feel,...but nicely, not accusingly.

I have known a few people who have this problem when they are related to the Dad. Some mums are very pro their own family and anti in laws. No idea why.

Original poster

Ineedholiday · 10/10/2015 16:26

I've known her since we were kids since we were in the same class at school. And me and my brother have always been close so it's not like they don't know me well.
Every time something is arrange as a family she cancels or finds some sort of excuse. And my brother works long hours so it's not often he is home to make arrangements.

OP posts:

BabyDubsEverywhere · 10/10/2015 16:27

My Inlaws can be a bit snarky about my DC spending more time with my family than DHs, I do not understand why this is my fault and not my DH tbh! He doesn't arrange things with my family, I do, he may be there but I have arranged it. If he did the same we would see more of his side, its not my job because I am a woman, and it isn't your SIL job either.

theycallmemellojello · 10/10/2015 16:31

I think it comes across that you are blaming SIL which is really unfair, actually. Of course she turns to her own family for childcare - she knows them well and feels comfortable asking them, probably knows that they will be able to decline if they feel like it etc. Your problem is your DB. Let him know you'd like to spend more time with his DD, and then the ball's in his court. YABU for assuming that because your SIL is the mum, responsibility for sorting out childcare and keeping up relationships with your side of the family automatically falls with her and your DB is exempt from all responsibility.

AnnaMarlowe · 10/10/2015 16:33

Start asking to see her with her Mum rather than separately.

Organise a 'girls' trip somewhere.

JeffsanArsehole · 10/10/2015 16:34

You're not actually friends though are you?

It really sounds like you're not friends

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 10/10/2015 16:36

Is there honestly any reason why she might not want to spend time with you?

Gottagetmoving · 10/10/2015 16:37

He doesn't arrange things with my family, I do, he may be there but I have arranged it. If he did the same we would see more of his side, its not my job because I am a woman, and it isn't your SIL job either

Surely you are all family?
Why would you arrange stuff with your own but not your in laws? This is where the rivalry thing comes in. That's HIS family and this is MY family! No wonder in law problems exist!
Sounds pretty.

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 10/10/2015 16:37

How old is your niece? Its important as if she's a baby the having her for an hour thing is a bit unreasonable - she's not a doll everyone gets a fair share of playing with... if she's older though do her parents actually know you are ready and willing to be free childcare, rather than just wanting to visit and be "hosted" as it were...

I guess YANBU to want, but are U to assume you are entitled to an "equal slice" of niece time, given most people don't hand their small children out for the benefit of adult family members no matter how well meaning, especially if their are a lot of family members expecting a turn...

If you are happy to be a free babysitter and live just down the road it does seem a bit funny they aren't biting your hand off if there is no back story though, unless there are just so many people willing and trusted on SIL's side of the family and she really is trying to shut her DH's side of the family out :(

TBH It can be hard to fathom the dynamics of families both sides of which all live within a few hundred meters of each other - my nearest (and only) family babysitters are about 50 miles away and are my PILs, they like to have the kids to stay in the school holidays for a night or two, and we are happy to take and fetch them (4 hours driving all-in) I think they see quite a lot of them seeing them once every 6-8 weeks - my parents see them 3 times a year...

Gottagetmoving · 10/10/2015 16:37

Petty not pretty!!

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2015 16:38

Do you never just pop in for a cuppa, or invite them to yours?

There's a difference between seeing your niece and 'having' her for an hour.

PacificMouse · 10/10/2015 16:39

She doen't want to see you or your family.

No idea what is the back story there but she is avoiding you as much as she can and I wouldn't expect it to change unless your DB starts to put his foot down.

What you CAN do is to organise thngs so THEY come over to you instead. It will give you the opportuntiy to see your DB and your niece.
Obvioulsy organise that with your DB.

yorkshapudding · 10/10/2015 16:41

Nobody would be 'having' my DD unless they had spent a fair bit of time with me and DD together first so I could be completely sure she was comfortable with them.

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