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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want more time with my niece

72 replies

Ineedholiday · 10/10/2015 15:37

My brother and his partner live 50yards away with their DD. The last time I saw my niece was around a month ago for approximately 15 mins. It seems his partner prefers to give childcare to her family and friends. She always has a member of her family around at her house but we have to ask permission to go over.
I know my brother is unhappy about the situation but let's her get on with it. It's feels like we are being pushed away. All I want is to spend a little bit more time with my beautiful niece. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a week off work soon and would love to have her for just 1 hour but I know it's not going to happen.

OP posts:

Redglitter · 12/10/2015 03:14

Im very close to my brother and get on very well with my SIL but I love spending time with my nieces on our own. I'm very lucky that they're happy for me to do so. Sometimes it's as simple as dinner at KFC then a wander round B&M

Other times its a proper meal.out at a 'real' restaurant and I take them on 4 day holidays twice a year. I adore the girls and I know I'm lucky to get these opportunities but I guess a lot of it is down to the relationship I have with their mum and dad.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 12/10/2015 04:07

As others have said, your SIL is not comfortable with you and that means she won't let you "have" her baby for any length of time. I wouldn't let my SIL either.

With me it's because SIL is very odd and has issues around food. She also swears. Is there anything you can think of which might have upset your SIL?

bluebolt · 12/10/2015 08:01

I only became involved in my brothers DCs lives when they separated. TBH there seemed no malice, my ex SIL worked very few hours or part time and spent her time with DCs with her family and friends during the week as weekend where for family special time. my brother was in the tricky position of trying to visit his side of the family and have some alone time with his wife and children and trying to do this occasional weekends only meant many of our side never saw the DCs unless we could all manage the occasional 2 hour slots at out parents, which could be cancelled at very short notice (sickness, kids parties). My ex SIL is lovely but very shy unless with those she trusts.

Littlegreyauditor · 12/10/2015 10:38

I agree that it is the 'having' which is the problem. Always wanting to see children without their mum seems fairly common, but makes the mum feel like an incubator, and reinforces the idea that she is 'other', particularly when it is done in the early early weeks and months.

For example, comments like 'I can't wait until mummy wises up and gives you a big bottle, so you can come away to my house, with me' tend to stick in the head for the longest time. projecting massively, sorry

Been there and no, it doesn't make me inclined to involve the people who do it. I have to make a real and conscious effort to consider them over the people who are happy to see me, and spend time with me, as well as my children.

I do think it is a in law thing, because the person who has actually had the baby, actually given birth to it, is not their genetic family. There is a bit of a disconnect inherent in the relationship even before there are children. The baby becomes a really big deal because it is their relation, and in the excitement the mum becomes an afterthought, and the seeds of resentment are sown. Being charitable about it I would say in most cases it isn't even a conscious thing, but the effects of it can last for ever.

EatShitDerek · 12/10/2015 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littlegreyauditor · 12/10/2015 11:06

It depends on how it's done I suppose. When it is made very clear to you that you are not welcome, that you are absolutely required to be elsewhere because you only existed as a means to supply a child, then maybe it leaves enough of an impression to affect all future interactions.

maybebabybee · 12/10/2015 11:06

*I don't see the problem with having someone's child without them there confused

Only on MN does it mean you are making the mother feel like an incubator*

This. So much drama about this kind of crap on MN. Never see it happen IRL. My own SIL is very PFB though so perhaps I should be expecting it when my DN gets a bit older!

Shaddawadsa · 12/10/2015 11:07

My sil makes no bones about wanting to see our DC 'alone'. It makes me feel like an unwanted but necessary add on. It also freaks me out, especially when she wants to share a room with her favourite when we have done overnight visits. I'm not saying this is you, but I would honestly recommend if you want a relationship with your dn to make an effort to have a proper relationship with your sil. It can be nerve racking to let your young children spend time with someone who may not know their natural limitations in terms of tiredness/food/ hyperactivity which can all lead to melt downs and can even be dangerous. Get to to know her, try to appreciate how she parents and why she does, and be respectful of the fact that she may feel uncomfortable with you for whatever reason.

trulybadlydeeply · 12/10/2015 11:09

What happens if you knock on the door and say hello? Will SIL let you in? Can you not just pop round with flowers/cake/wine and say "I'm so sorry we haven't been able to spend much time together recently, and I'd really like to change that".

How old is DN?? How often did you get together with DB & SIL before DN was born?

I find it really odd that you live 50 yds away and don't just bump into each other anyway.

AbeSaidYes · 12/10/2015 11:11

sorry but why do you want to 'have her for one hour' - can you not just go and visit for one hour?

Fannycraddock79 · 12/10/2015 11:21

I had no idea that so many people felt the same way as I do! I've always felt pushed aside in the desperate need to 'have' my children. Am I not important? Am I not a person too? Not once in 3 years have pils (who live 20 mins away) asked to come and see dc, they only ever want to 'have' them or dh too. When ds was born 3 years ago, I said to them "you can come whenever you like, just text to see if we're in". Not once have I been contacted. Dh asked early on if they wanted to come over and said I was in all day, they said they would come at 5.30 when he was back otherwise they wouldn't see him. So in my mind they made the decision that they would rather come after work (in our valuable family time) on very rare occasions than have to spend any time alone with me. Consequently (as they are retired with no commitments and are perfectly capable of driving) I have not taken dc to them as I know they don't want me (the incubator), just dc and dh.

Shaddawadsa · 12/10/2015 11:24

OMG fanny you could be talking about my in laws. I am absolutely the incubator, and an inconvenient one at that. In the end, their attitude is counter productive for them. Its totally unpleasant.

FingerOFudge · 12/10/2015 11:29

I totally don't get the "having" thing either? If I want to see my DN, I invite my brother and SIL round. If they wanted babysitting, then of course I would do that, but I don't see it as some kind of right to "have" him. If I wanted to him to visit without them (I don't know why I wouldn't want to spend time with them too, but to put that aside a minute), I would ask them and totally accept that they might say "yes" or "no" and that would be their call. Him being their child and all. And I would expect exactly the same treatment from them in respect to my DC.

I don't think it's MN that's strange, I think some people are reeeeeeally weird!!

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 12/10/2015 11:30

My in-laws like to have the kids for little "holidays" / overnights but somehow this didn't seem odd, as they also like us to visit as a family, and it is all done in a mutually beneficial way - so we'll discuss timing in a way that might allow DH and I to do something together (though they live too far away to really "do childcare" exactly)

It depends how you go about it and only IMO works when you already spend time all together and the kids know and are comfortable with the extended family members - for a while one of my DC strongly didn't want to be away from me overnight, so for a couple of years he came with me to drop his siblings off but came home with me while they stayed - it was a PITA because it meant there was no child free "gain" from driving all the way to in-laws and back twice in two or three days for DC1 and 3 to stay but DC2 to come home with me, but it was because both parties (DC1 and DC3 and PIL) wanted the night or two "holiday". DC2 decided eventually he wanted to stay again too and does happily now.

My in-laws do cool stuff I can't do with the kids - they are really knowledgable foragers and have taught the kids loads about edible mushrooms and berries you can find in the forests around their house and take the kids out foraging in spring and autumn (they've been doing it since before DH was born and he did it as a kid, but as he stopped going in his early teens he doesn't trust himself enough to be the one to teach the kids which mushrooms are edible etc.) I love that.

My pfb was born in another country but when DC2 was a baby MIL did try the "you should stop breast feeding and give him bottles now" thing... and again with DC3 (she mentioned being able to have him overnight but also is of the opinion generally that once babies start solid foods you are meant to give them bottles to "control how much milk they are getting" - I think this is separate to the bottle just meaning she can have the baby to play with and perhaps generational to a degree) it did cause a bit of friction, as have a couple of other things in our relationship, but now the kids are older it is lovely they like to stay with their grandparents.

So I'm not against kids staying with other family members - but the way the OP is phrased doesn't sound like part of a wider relationship as much as wanting her "turn" with a novelty she feels she is entitled to a part share of because of blood relationship and nothing else. IMO the age of the child is massively relevant - a child of 3+ will have her own opinion on whether she wants to go to SIL for an hour and that should be a huge factor... I personally wouldn't hand a baby or young toddler to somebody who I didn't spend time with generally... and even in the case of an older child there has to have been time spent together with parents for a relationship to form, before the child goes off alone with the extended family member - the child's wishes on the matter are by far more important than those of the adults, unless the adult is privey to knowledge that means the non parent is an unsuitable caregiver.

EatShitDerek · 12/10/2015 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maybebabybee · 12/10/2015 11:33

Ok well I must be in the minority then as would be absolutely beyond delighted if anyone wanted to have my DCs for a few hours without me.

Pyjamaramadrama · 12/10/2015 11:38

This type of thing gets on my nerves. Your niece isn't a doll for you to take out or 'have' for an hour.

Why don't you simply ask your sil if you can pop over for an hour for a cuppa?

lostInTheWash · 12/10/2015 11:39

My IL did at first try and treat the DC as fashion accessories almost - seemingly oblivious to their needs and not wanting the inconvenience of parents around.

It got worse as DC got older and MIL bad mouthed us to the DC as she wasn't getting her way.

We made it clear it wasn't acceptable to push us out or bitch about us. If we couldn't trust them with the DC safety they didn't get to have the DC and it was our decision not their right.

Took years but they came round - asked instead of demanded, heeded safely advice and started as the DC got older to treat them as people. Got to point we could trust them and then they could have the DC by themselves even to the point of overnights and weeks away.

You need to befriend SIL as other poster have said - spend time with all of them and show you are trust worth - she needs to know she can trust you with her DC in all ways then I expect you'll get added to list of trusted family members.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/10/2015 11:57

On a rough count, five posters so far have asked how old the niece is, with no response. It makes a huge difference whether we're talking about a newborn (well, one month old as OP hasn't seen her for a month), a toddler or a 10-year-old.

Less surprisingly perhaps, questions about how often the OP saw her brother's family before DN came on the scene or whether there has been a falling out as such are also still waiting for an answer. The issue could be about an unsafe environment, a dangerous dog, smoking, niece's particular needs... could be anything. How can anyone give truly meaningful advice knowing so little of the context?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 12/10/2015 12:03

Annie on a rough count the OP hasn't been back since Saturday! She's not reading the thread!

Anniegetyourgun · 12/10/2015 12:09

That'll be because nobody offered unqualified sympathy, I expect.

(Note to self: must pay more attention to dates. At least it was only two days ago, not a couple of years.)

blobbityblob · 12/10/2015 12:19

I think it depends on the age of the dc with me. As a small baby/toddler my dd was quite difficult, often sick, a food refuser (which led to her being more sick) and she liked to run off. By the age of 2 you needed to be pretty fast to keep her safe.

Looking back when I first became an aunty pre dc of my own, there was no way I'd have coped with my niece with my non existent childcare experience, unless I'd spent a great deal of time being shown.

I'd want assurance that someone really understood what they were taking on/doing. Probably by them visiting us a family beforehand.

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