Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To want more time with my niece

72 replies

Ineedholiday · 10/10/2015 15:37

My brother and his partner live 50yards away with their DD. The last time I saw my niece was around a month ago for approximately 15 mins. It seems his partner prefers to give childcare to her family and friends. She always has a member of her family around at her house but we have to ask permission to go over.
I know my brother is unhappy about the situation but let's her get on with it. It's feels like we are being pushed away. All I want is to spend a little bit more time with my beautiful niece. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a week off work soon and would love to have her for just 1 hour but I know it's not going to happen.

OP posts:

Spartans · 10/10/2015 16:57

She is avoiding you. I find your posts a bit odd. You say you knew eachother but don't sound like you knew her well or were friends.

You dbro works 10 hours a day everyday? If he isn't happy either he is in an abusive relationship and is scared to tell her he isn't happy with it, or he agrees with what she is doing.

You have avoided answering whether there is a back story, so I will assume there is.

You have no interest in your sil or your dbro (if you did you would spend time with him) but expect time with your niece because her family do.

Your niece isn't a timeshare.

Spartans · 10/10/2015 17:00

Why would you arrange stuff with your own but not your in laws? This is where the rivalry thing comes in. That's HIS family and this is MY family! No wonder in law problems exist!

In some cases it is petty. Not in all. Dhs family are not all that close. We spend much more time with my family. Nothing wrong with dh a family, they just aren't very hands on parents or grandparents. They would find a day out at a park with the kids odd where my parents would jump at the chance. My pills don't even come to the kids birthday parties. Again I have no issue with this they are just different to mine. They don't get upset either.

VimFuego101 · 10/10/2015 17:01

I agree, you need to make the effort to get to know SIL. If she doesn't spend much time with you or know you well, then it makes sense that you're not going to be her first thought when it comes to babysitting.

slithytove · 10/10/2015 17:01

None of my or DH's siblings will ever be having our kids on their own.

Equally no one gets to have our kids if they don't make an effort with us.

Do you spend time with dbro and sil which isn't child centric?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 10/10/2015 17:08

Honestly not being petty about how much time we spend with inlaws... I arrange to see my sisters as they are my friends, we are close, we anjoy each others company. My DH doesn't arrange to see my sisters, which is generally considered fine, neither of us is being petty, we arrange to see people we want to see, sometimes we see other couples, sometimes I met up with my friends and DH with his. My sisters are my friends, DHs friends are not his family group... that's all, nothing sinister.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 10/10/2015 17:11

There has to be some back story here - have you raised it with your brother? Have you and SIL ever fallen out?

brokenhearted55a · 10/10/2015 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SrAssumpta · 10/10/2015 17:26

Oh my god this thread could have been written by DD's aunty! We'd know each other since we were kids, she felt really hard done by that she couldn't have DD (!?) etc.

Our backstory was that she had no time for me or her DB until I had DD, then suddenly she thought nothing of landing up to us day and night (I'd just had my first baby at 23 and lost my mother 11 days later and frankly entertaining a guest who would barge past us and pick up my tiny new born DD, was the last thing I wanted)

I'm very happy to say that DD now has a lovely relationship with her aunty and I'm very thankful but in those early years you need to make an effort with the mother and whisking her child off shouldn't really be expected without building up a relationship between the two of you.

Witchend · 10/10/2015 17:28

How old is your db?

Because what you've written comes across at wanting to play happy families wth a baby/ toddler on your own.

Witchend · 10/10/2015 17:29

Dn not db!

beetrootpickle · 10/10/2015 19:12

agree with lots of comments upthread - witchend hits the nail on the head with

"Because what you've written comes across at wanting to play happy families wth a baby/ toddler on your own"

My SIL is exactly like this - she wants to take my child away and "have" her too.

As a result I never feel comfortable with her.

I don't leave my child with people I don't feel I can trust or feel comfortable about.

As everyone else has said be nice to your SIL.

Completely agree with "in those early years you need to make an effort with the mother and whisking her child off shouldn't really be expected without building up a relationship between the two of you"

DoJo · 10/10/2015 19:24

All I want is to spend a little bit more time with my beautiful niece. Is that too much to ask for?

Perhaps - why do you not want to spend time with her parents as well?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 10/10/2015 19:31

I'm afraid I agree with others. The tone of your post suggests that you both only blame you SIL for this situation, along with only seeming interested in you niece and 'having her' like she's some sort of doll. Of course you SIL is going to put her family first, because they are interested in her along with her daughter. You're not entitled to your niece just because she's related, show some respect towards her mother - ask after her, ask if there's anything you can do to help her. She's more than just the woman who had your niece, she's your brother's partner, and an adult to be shown respect (unless some severe behaviour shows otherwise). Why don't you invite them over to yours, and make it about the family, not just the little girl. That way it doesn't seem like you're intruding on their life, but are welcoming and open to the three of them in your own.

Mehitabel6 · 10/10/2015 19:40

It does appear that you want to see your niece and not your SIL. I don't think it will work unless you want to spend time with SIL. Do you do anything with just SIL as friends?

Mehitabel6 · 10/10/2015 19:42

Have you thought of suggesting that brother has the child and you go out with SIL?

rosieliveson1 · 10/10/2015 19:51

I agree with witchend and beetroot too.

My MIL says she doesn't see DS enough. We live an hour away but see her at least once a month. What she actually means is that she doesn't get to 'have' DS on his own, away from me.
That's where my parents are different. They genuinely want to spend the time with me too.

NotSoHappyBeet · 10/10/2015 19:54

My SIL probably says exactly what the op does to any and all who will listen

However what she probably doesn't mention:

My family call me to arrange to pop up and make all the effort to come to see us. (Well except for right now, we are living at my parents while waiting for a bathroom to be fitted)

Whereas she rarely speaks to me. She occasionally contacts dp, once including a long drunken Facebook rang where she essentially said I was ruining his life and making his family unwelcome. She never visits, dd doesn't really know who she is. On top of that she has made it clear she dislikes me. Why would I leave dd with her?

I arrange to see my family. I don't see why it is my jobs to arrange our family visits with do's family. That's his job, but naturally I suppose it's easier to blame me than to realise maybe do just can't be bothered to visit them or organise anything.

One of the main reasons dear SIL dislikes me is that I helped dp get over and stop his problem drinking which was destroying him and our family (alcoholic, as is most of his family)

SIL sees this as me spoiling dp's life, to the point that she drunkenly ranted at dp's 40th birthday party that 'He should just have a fucking drink, he's so fucking boring without a drink' loudly in front of him and everyone there. Tried to 'sneak' dp a drink ( poor dp was not happy) and then gave up and say on FIL's lap throwing me daggers and mumbling about what a fucking bitch I am.

Oh and has gone out of her way to not congratulate us on our healthy pregnancy this week.

Gosh reading all that I just can't see why I don't throw dd at her at every opportunity!

Mehitabel6 · 10/10/2015 19:54

I don't understand why people want to see the child and not the adult.

backonthewagon · 10/10/2015 20:17

Have you offered childcare? She may not want to ask you in case she feels she is being a bit cheeky? If I need childcare I nearly always ask my Mum or Sister first. DP is not DS' biological Dad but we have been together over 5 years. I felt too awkward to ask DP's Mum as she had never offered. It was only through pure desperation about 12 months ago I got DP to ask DP's Mum and she was thrilled to have him and has had him quite a few times since. We have still never asked her to have him overnight as she has never offered and I don't want to put her out.

Gruntfuttock · 10/10/2015 20:23

How old is your niece?

CrapBag · 10/10/2015 21:21

So you were in the same class and have known each other for years. You clearly weren't friends though because you would have said schoolfriend or something.

I don't dislike my SIL but I wouldn't gk out of my way to see her or facilitate her seeing the DCs, that is down to her brother. I don't buy this notion that you marry the whole family, ILs are DHs family and his responsibility. But then in my case SIL isn't interested in seeing the DCs anyway a d hasn't seen them for probably about 2 years now!

The fact that she comes up with excuses and cancel suggests something has gone on or she doesn't like you, whether that is justified or not I don't know.

Why can't your brother bring your niece over? If it bothers him then he can bring her to you. On the odd occasion SIL has expressed a wish to see the DCS, DH has taken them to her house.

Gaspard · 10/10/2015 21:52

I'm trying to imagine having had a baby and then a relative, as suggested up thread, suddenly going all out and 'making an effort to get to know me'. Being a dyed-in-the-wool introvert, I would feel quite smothered and would have to work hard not to resist at least some of this new attention. That said, I'm an aunt as well and and relate to the love one can have for one's nieces and nephews. Tough one, OP.

Mehitabel6 · 10/10/2015 22:22

DH certainly got my whole family- they were not optional!

MinecraftWonder · 10/10/2015 22:34

My SIL is exactly like this - she wants to take my child away and "have" her too. As a result I never feel comfortable with her

THIS with bells on.

This is my MIL. Never particularly wanting to pop in and see the ds's for a couple of hours (she has always been made more than welcome). She want's to 'have' them, and take them away and is pretty clear that she wants to have them alone and not with me or dh.

I just don't get it. I don't understand why. So it makes me uncomfortable and less inclined to allow her to take them.

Sazzle41 · 12/10/2015 03:02

You have not gone down well with SIL or she wouldnt cancel and not want to see you. Is there some history of you upsetting her/you both not getting on. Or are you not close/never seen each other regularly before. You need to visit the parents and niece together really often and also be really close personally and separately to the child with a parent, not just the parent you are related to before they would trust you with sole charge. It sounds like you aren't close personally , so naturally, she trusts her own family more/ automatically as she has known them all her life and they are close.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread