Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help...am I being unreasonable?

82 replies

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 00:28

Hi, long time lurker, first time poster.

Had a bit of a reaction from my other half this evening, feeling furious but wanted a sounding board to see if I'm being mad!

Went out walking today, something I do fairly often, had new boots which DP knew I wanted to try so decided on a walk which would incorporate visiting a friend about an hour away after I was done (I visit this friends a few times a year).

When I came home and went to sit on sofa with glass of wine DP asked if that was what I was going to wear for the rest of the evening (sportswear) so I went upstairs to change. On way back downstairs I noticed TV I had taken out of ds's room and put on landing had gone. I'd been given a second hand tv and was going to put it into ds's room as his current one sometimes has dodgy sound but new one wouldn't fit on the shelf so both were sitting on landing. DS has friend coming over after school tomorrow so I had said i'd put old one back for now.

Anyway, DP said he'd got rid of old one when I asked if he'd put old one in the attic (which is what I'd assumed he'd done) and when I asked again he said he'd given it to his friend. Now I felt quite annoyed that he'd given it away without asking me, it's not his stuff to give away and I was going to put it back in ds's room. I don't care about the tv, if he had asked I would have said yes his friend could have it but I'm very annoyed at the not asking, I wouldn't dream of giving away his things without asking no matter what their condition.

Bizarrely he kind of went a bit nuts about this, saying I was totally out of order when literally all I said to him was I thought he ought to have asked me first.

He then went on to accuse me of distracting from the issue, asking where was I today when I had told him I was out walking then going to my friend's, and kept him up to date all day with what I was doing so I'm hellish confused as to what's going on!!

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2015 12:18

Controlling or jealous behaviour only becomes a problem if you give in to it or enable it.
You don't have to leave someone you love because of their controlling tendencies but you do have to deal with it by your own reactions and responses rather than issue an ultimatum about them changing.
They will change or if they can't handle it they will have to leave.

Mind you, it is bloody hard work and probably exhausting. Depends on how much you want to be with someone I suppose.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/10/2015 12:29

What do you do? Put the tv back in your DS's bedroom as you were going to.
Don't say anything - he's looking for an excuse to have a martyr-attack at you - so anything you say will kick it off, no matter how nicely you try to phrase it. Wait until he says something then you can gauge how it's going to go.

As for the rest - you love him madly - well yes, I'd agree with the "madly" bit. The most "in love" I've ever been was with an utter bastard - it was pure chemical madness because he was shit to me. Thankfully for my sanity (and finances!) he moved on to pastures new quite quickly - and I still had sadness over it because of the chemical madness.

I love my DH properly - less chemical madness but I wouldn't be without him. I even moved countries, nay continents, for him. Grin

The money thing is bad, the making you change just by implying you look like shit if you don't is bad, the whinging about your hobby is bad, the whinging about you seeing your friend is bad, the turning things back on you when he's in the wrong is bad, the fact he took the telly without asking in the first place is bad... what were the actual positives again? Apart from you having fun with him (when he's not whinging about something, presumably - how often does something "fun" get spoilt by his whinging?) and him being good with your children (which I will accept is a good thing).

Do a list - positives against negatives - then do another list of reasons to keep him against reasons to drop him.

Then have it out with him and see what happens.

Lweji · 08/10/2015 12:37

Controlling or jealous behaviour only becomes a problem if you give in to it or enable it.

I disagree with this.

At some point it becomes too much hard work to fight it and leave, or you decide it's too much and leave anyway.

Don't underestimate how tiring and grinding this type of jealous and controlling behaviour is. That is how strong women get sucked in. They think they can control it and fight it. But that's not a good way to live.

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2015 12:54

I disagree with this.
At some point it becomes too much hard work to fight it and leave, or you decide it's too much and leave anyway.
Don't underestimate how tiring and grinding this type of jealous and controlling behaviour is. That is how strong women get sucked in. They think they can control it and fight it. But that's not a good way to live

If you read my post properly, I said it is hard work and exhausting.
I did not say anything about fighting or controlling it because that it pointless! I said not enabling it or giving in to it, which means not doing stuff to keep the other person happy or to keep the peace.
Of course, this does not apply to violence. That is a 'get out asap' situation. Just meant controlling by way of wearing what he wants, going where he wants, not having your own life, type of thing.

CallaLilli · 08/10/2015 12:57

OP, it's really sad that women think they need to put up with behaviour like this. He is being very very U and has no right to question you and be controlling. Easier said than done, I know, but you really need to consider that you may have to LTB. You've given 4 years of your life to this man - get out now before it turns into another 4 years.

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 13:05

That's very good advice about putting the tv back and not saying anything as I was going to text him and say I didn't want it back, my issue was him not asking, but I've already said that a load of times so yes, I can't win and will only lead to him having another go.

I'm very happy with separate finances as my ex husband left me with crippling debt and had my home repossessed but I'm very good at managing the debt and making sure bills paid on time and I'd never trust DP to do this given how crap he is with money.

He doesn't normally mind my spending time with friends, hence why I was so flabbergasted when he came out with what he did. Still confused tbh.

However turning things back on me when in the wrong is absolutely classic him tbh, this happens so often, telling me in mental and behaving bonkers.

Even this morning he was saying I was being mental, causing arguments, behaving like a child. It should have been a simple conversation with my saying I wish you'd asked and him saying ooops sorry, didn't think you'd mind. End of. Instead merry hell breaks loose!

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 08/10/2015 13:28

He sounds a bit unhinged to me. To be frank, I think I'd be a bit worried about how he'd react if you split up.

Cerseirys · 08/10/2015 13:36

OP please read your posts back to yourself. Is this a man you really want to spend your life with? You deserve better.

Muckogy · 08/10/2015 14:07

he's abusive. i'd kick his controlling ass out. for good.

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 14:11

I've spent a lot of time re reading this and think I really need to do something, so so many red flags as you've all kindly pointed out.

I do hate raising things with him as it's ALWAYS an argument never a discussion and I really hate that, although he freely admits to enjoying a good fight.

I have done a positive and negative list before, one side was much longer than the other! Hence why we've split up twice, stupidly I took him back last time as it was around my birthday and I was quite vulnerable to his charms due to being low and missing him.

I do honestly utterly dread the trauma of ending it again though. :-/ Is so hard when you love someone but things aren't right

OP posts:
AlpacaLypse · 08/10/2015 15:05

Flowers and a nice big mug of Brew

We'll all be here for you.

Lweji · 08/10/2015 15:09

I know exactly how hard it is, but at some point you will probably end up hating him. And possibly even more vulnerable due to how much he's worn you down.

You have recognised the red flags, this is the time to be strong.

ImperialBlether · 08/10/2015 15:28

What the hell do you love about this man? He's a real piece of work, isn't he?

It's funny... I started to read the thread and thought, "There is no way this man contributes fully and willingly to the household budget." Lo and behold, I was right. They never do. In his head it's your house, you were paying the bills anyway. Until he wants to give your TV to another woman, then it's his house as well.

Horrible man. Think about what the hell you're doing with him AFTER you've told him to bugger off.

MissMarpleCat · 08/10/2015 15:48

I HATE raising things with him as it always ends in an argument
turning things back on me telling me I'm mental and bonkers
The modus operandi of emotional abusers.

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 16:36

Thank you all so so much for your advice and input, I guess it's not that I'm not aware of the issues but it's so easy to bury ones head and its been a real wake up call having people say 'this is not ok', especially when I'm being told I'm behaving badly.

I'm literally dreading him coming home but he may well just stay out in his man cave this evening which would be great as I've got to get up before 6 and I'm already so so shattered from not sleeping last night. I'm going away with the kids this weekend so will get things straight in my head whilst I'm away and think of a plan of action.

OP posts:
fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 16:38

Stupid thing is I'm SUCH a strong woman normally...all of my friends would say I'm the toughest person they know! :-(

OP posts:
CainInThePunting · 08/10/2015 17:00

I'm not a weak woman either but the work he is doing on you is fairly insidious. Chipping away, undermining you.

The only thing I would suggest is that if you decide to tell him to leave, have someone on their way round. Either just popping by or coming to pick you up. That's probably me being paranoid because of my ex but worth considering, just in case. I don't mean to make you feel any worse.

Lweji · 08/10/2015 17:38

Stupid thing is I'm SUCH a strong woman normally...all of my friends would say I'm the toughest person they know!

And probably why you have been sticking with it for so long.
Recognise that you can't handle him and walk out.

Grapejuicerocks · 08/10/2015 22:52

How has this evening gone?

Jux · 08/10/2015 23:32

Hope you're OK my love.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 09/10/2015 09:20

Big hugs and I'm really sorry that this thread has given you the insight you probably knew already but didn't really want to see. However, I hope things improve for you going forward. I agree with everyone else, there's lots of red flags and just because you love him and he's fun, it doesn't mean he's good for your or your children.

titchy · 09/10/2015 09:38

You do realise that every single day he is there, is another day your kids are learning that this is how adult relationships work.

Do you want your kids to think this is normal and how they conduct their relationships when they;re grown up?

Damselindestress · 09/10/2015 10:49

He sounds controlling, telling you what to wear while looking at you in disgust then blowing up when you dare to question his decisions. You deserve better and so do your children. I am glad to hear that you are planning to make changes. Best wishes for the future.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/10/2015 11:40

Oh it is so NOT a case of you "not being able to handle him" - there's no "handling" emotional abusers, seriously! All you can do with them is leave them.

maybebabybee · 09/10/2015 11:46

Stupid thing is I'm SUCH a strong woman normally

Being in an abusive relationship doesn't make you a weak woman Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread