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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help...am I being unreasonable?

82 replies

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 00:28

Hi, long time lurker, first time poster.

Had a bit of a reaction from my other half this evening, feeling furious but wanted a sounding board to see if I'm being mad!

Went out walking today, something I do fairly often, had new boots which DP knew I wanted to try so decided on a walk which would incorporate visiting a friend about an hour away after I was done (I visit this friends a few times a year).

When I came home and went to sit on sofa with glass of wine DP asked if that was what I was going to wear for the rest of the evening (sportswear) so I went upstairs to change. On way back downstairs I noticed TV I had taken out of ds's room and put on landing had gone. I'd been given a second hand tv and was going to put it into ds's room as his current one sometimes has dodgy sound but new one wouldn't fit on the shelf so both were sitting on landing. DS has friend coming over after school tomorrow so I had said i'd put old one back for now.

Anyway, DP said he'd got rid of old one when I asked if he'd put old one in the attic (which is what I'd assumed he'd done) and when I asked again he said he'd given it to his friend. Now I felt quite annoyed that he'd given it away without asking me, it's not his stuff to give away and I was going to put it back in ds's room. I don't care about the tv, if he had asked I would have said yes his friend could have it but I'm very annoyed at the not asking, I wouldn't dream of giving away his things without asking no matter what their condition.

Bizarrely he kind of went a bit nuts about this, saying I was totally out of order when literally all I said to him was I thought he ought to have asked me first.

He then went on to accuse me of distracting from the issue, asking where was I today when I had told him I was out walking then going to my friend's, and kept him up to date all day with what I was doing so I'm hellish confused as to what's going on!!

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2015 09:00

I was quite knackered so I did intend on just crashing out on sofa but when he said that I thought I should change, wasn't a big deal really

If it wasn't a big deal, why did you mention it?

Grapejuicerocks · 08/10/2015 09:03

He hates your hobby, he dictates what you wear at 9pm? He takes his bad mood out on you regularly? And in this instance, carries it on the next morning and still can't see why he should ask first?

Everybody can be unreasonable occasionally. It does sound as if this is a bit more than occasional though.
I get why you wouldn't want to see someone in pj's or sportswear all the time. I would hate that too, but at 9pm when you don't do it regularly - wow. That's seriously controlling.

Really examine what else he may be unreasonable about. I'm wondering if if there are many things you don't question and take as normal in a relationship, are things which would horrify others who are in a more healthy relationship. Do you think this could be true?

rainbowunicorn · 08/10/2015 09:04

I can not believe that you would just pop upstairs and change your clothes into something more presentable at 9.30 at night on the say so of anyone to be honest.
He sound like a controlling pig and I would be well rid of him by now.
If you want to slob about your house in the oldest comfiest thing you own it is nothing to do with him.

MissMarpleCat · 08/10/2015 09:07

At 9.30 I'd be changing into my pjs and fuck what anyone thinks. He sounds like a pompous, angry arse. No way would anyone dictate to me what I can wear in my own home. The TV shows a complete disregard of your property.

AlpacaLypse · 08/10/2015 09:08

yanbu. I'd chuck him out. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being bossed about by him in your own home? DP and I have been sharing our home for nearly 20 years, nevertheless neither of us would dream of disposing of anything that either of us brought to our partnership without consultation (apart from the tatty stinky curtains the cat wee'd on, I did unilaterally get rid of those...). Neither would we dream of telling each other to get changed.

nilbyname · 08/10/2015 09:09

Hmmmm.... He wanted you to change at 9pm...into what? A ball gown Confused

He sounds like a controlling pig and I would be taking a long look at my relationship dynamic.

molyholy · 08/10/2015 09:11

Oh my god. What an arsehole. He was basically saying 'you are not presentable to thine eyes. Go and make yourself acceptable to me woman'.

Telly is a side issue. He prefers you dressed nice with your make up on. Are you a doll or his partner?

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 09:11

Gottagetmoving, I meant it wasn't a massive deal, I was initially a bit cheesed off when I'd literally just sat down and he said this but decided when I was upstairs changing that I wasn't going to make an issue of it as I didn't think out was worth being stroppy about

OP posts:
Greengardenpixie · 08/10/2015 09:13

Why did you go and change clothes?

It sounds like he was spoiling for a fight after stewing on where you were all day to me.

Totally and utterly this!
Change your clothes??? Really??? On demand...er no!
mmm....
Definetly not happy with you going out and looking for a reason to pick a fight with you.

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 09:17

Oh god I need to do some serious thinking don't I? I think I bury my head about some things because mostly things are pretty good. The lack of support about my hobby had always bugged me, he's even outright said he wishes is give it up but I just ignore him. He's often said he come third after my kids and my hobby, I don't see it on those terms but tbh if it came to a choice i would choose my hobby.... is that an awful thing to admit?

Maybe I should just stop making an effort at home and see what happens!

OP posts:
molyholy · 08/10/2015 09:21

Oh god I need to do some serious thinking don't I
if it came to a choice i would choose my hobby

And there, you have your answer. Do you think your life would be more relaxed/more pleasant, without him in it?

Just imagine, you would be allowed to wear what you wanted, when you wanted for one thing.

Greengardenpixie · 08/10/2015 09:22

I say this because i live with similar. My dh is moody and has been more often in the past, possesive of me . I told him i was leaving him if he didnt change his ways. We had an enormous fight and things got sorted. It still bubbles up from time to time but he has become less possesive over the years.Believe me, i know the signs. In a nutshell,he was not happy with you going out but couldn't come out with so uses another excuse to pick a fight. Your hobbies bring his insecurity and possesiveness out. You need to talk.

Lweji · 08/10/2015 09:22

How long have you been living together?

It sounds to me he's starting to push his controlling issues on to you. Which means you'll have to define your boundaries. Now.
He will keep pushing them bit by bit and before you know it they'll be miles behind.

What will be a deal breaker for you?

Personally, and having been in an abusive relationship I'd dump him now.
He is showing no regard for your things, demanding you act and look as he wants. Doing very little for himself. You having friends and hobbies makes him feel bad about himself.
It looks like he's looking into controlling you to raise his self esteem. Never a good thing. :(

Greengardenpixie · 08/10/2015 09:28

As above ^^

My situation was brought to a head and i have children but you need to have a good long hard look at your relationship and decide what you want. Sort it out now with him or run from it.
He will take control of you bit by bit. Agreed.

sliceofsoup · 08/10/2015 09:28

Red flags are jumping out all over the place.

What does he actually bring to your life? Does he improve it in any kind of meaningful way?

Because to me he sounds like he is just warming up to be a controlling prick.

Greengardenpixie · 08/10/2015 09:31

but tbh if it came to a choice i would choose my hobby.... is that an awful thing to admit?

Sounds like you have chosen what you want already.

CainInThePunting · 08/10/2015 09:35

He sounds just like my ex, even down to the 'putting your hobby first' argument. And he made shitty comments if I didn't get showered and dressed 'for him' after work/a day out.
Does he talk about his 'psycho ex' who he 'had' to put into a head lock? If so, run for the hills!

You have boundaries to set or a decision to make about your future with him.

Jux · 08/10/2015 10:07

You'll save yourself an enormous amount of grief if you dump him now, but if you don't, then define boundaries strongly now. Do not allow one tiny toe over, either, ever.

Sounds like hard work? Yes, it will be. Constant. If you're prepared to pick up on every little thing - no, I'm going to chill here for a bit, I might change later - every little thing, every single time, then that's your choice, but as you'd choose your hobby over him it doesn't sound like he's worth it.

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 10:53

We've been living together for four years now and things have come to a head on a few occasions when I tell him it's over but end up taking him back because I still live him madly. He's rubbish with money which drives me mad and also makes my life sooo much harder as I can never rely on him to give me the agreed amount of money each month. Everything is in my name and I pay ALL the bills and he's supposed to give me x amount but it doesn't always happen and I never know when or how much is coming from him, it's not that he's tight about money but he's self employed and didn't always have enough work.

Truth be told mostly he did make things harder but on the other hand we have such fun together and get on so well and the kids really like him

OP posts:
fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 10:54

Apologies for rubbish spelling!!

OP posts:
fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 10:56

It's got to be said that I feel I'm getting less tough with him when standing my ground and I guess this has brought to my attention that I'm letting him take over more :-/

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/10/2015 10:57

Nobody is all bad and he has to maintain a relationship with you somehow.
My ex can be fun and nice when he wants to. He has also been an utter bastard to me.

But you keep forgiving him, and the more you do, the harder it is to leave and the more he'll push it.

fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 10:57

Also, to be honest I'd probably choose my hobby over any man as it's more a way of life and means so much to me.

OP posts:
fieryfighter · 08/10/2015 11:31

Oh ffs... Just went downstairs and the tv is in the hall! Think he must have been and gone while I was in the shower. Now what do I do? It wasn't about the tv it was admit the not asking!

OP posts:
Eveysdad · 08/10/2015 12:02

Sweet mother of jeebus. More red flags than a game of minesweeper in this topic OP.

Demands you dress presentable for him. Red flag
Gets rid of TV without asking. Red flag
Moans about you walking. Red flag
Moans about seeing your friend. Red flag
Moody and takes it out on you. Red flag
No good with money. Red flag
Doesn't give you X amount when he should. Red flag
Separate finances (red flag if you can't see them, he could be hording cash and you don't know. Also of hes self employed how muchncashnin hand does he do and then tells you he's got no money? Red Flag)
Wants you to give up hobby. Red flag
Does nothing himself. Semi red flag
Talks about doing things but doesn't actually do them. Red flag.

You've got enough little red flags to make a lovely bit of bunting. Wink