To think people should visit poorly relatives in hospital

[Ninarina]

My mum has been in hospital for a week now and is still v v poorly. No sign of being discharged. We visit every day, twice a day, but noticed that a couple of ladies on her ward have had no visitors at all. One lady had been there a month with no visitors. I thought she was out of it but she started chatting was coherent and said she has two daughters and a son who is married. Where are they??? She needed slippers but no one brought her any so staff put towels on her feet. It's so sad. Another woman was wailing and seemed in distress. We put the TV on and she knew all the answers on The Chase so clearly all there mentally. Why do people not visit their poorly families? Apart from child sex abuse what could their mothers have done to make their grown up kids abandon them like this? I'm from Asian family so it's inconceivable to me and I hope I don't sound awful but this breaks my heart. Can anyone please explain?

It's a reasonable question I think. We should be ask8ng this more and questioning the society we live in where this happens. I'm not judging anyone btw. The whole post needs to be read.

I see too many older people who are very lonely in old age, some because they are reaping what they sowed with their behaviours towards relatives. (Understandable - not sure if or how you would fix that issue)
Some because they have outlived relatives and friends or those relatives and friends are also seriously ill and unable to visit.

And some because their relatives (adult children) have had to move away for work. We live in a culture that does not value society and family. The policies are not geared towards the benefit of greater society but towards profit and individualism. Eg the London centric economic policy of the last 30yrs. The effects must cost the treasury millions in terms of dealing with social isolation depression and care packages etc.
I see lots of long distance families who are unable to see relatives anywhere near as much as they would like to desperately trying to keep Dm or df safe with Internet shopping andphone calls both to them and their carers. I think most are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I really don't know what would happen if either of my parents were to be in hospital. When you factor in the following:-
Live over 130 miles away
I have school age dc
work full time with frequent and unpredictable long hours and no one else to cover. Often have to work a sat so not getting 2 days off together and a visit would mean overnight stay
My dp also full time and not able to take sudden time off (teacher)
Layer onto that any journey of more than hour playing havoc with arthritis
So not really that simple OP
There is a really big problem for many families as people can't risk their jobs because 2 incomes needed to pay mortgage/rent and many people cannot live near relatives for all sorts of reasons

So do people there remain living very near family then? Or is more expected of extended family? Do fewer women work?

In countries where it is culturally unacceptable not to care for older people I mean.

We live in a culture that does not value society and family.

I don't think that's true. I know a lot of very close families, but life doesn't always work out so that you can live near your relatives forever. People move for work, university, or just because they can.

And it's not always the children that move - my parents retired hundreds of miles away - absolutely their right, but also a decision that has consequences for our relationship (I'm close to them, but rarely see them due to travel costs/work). Not a real problem while they're young and healthy, but I imagine it might be quite difficult in 10-20 years when they're not as healthy and I have DC and a job and will be incapable of just dropping everything to visit.

People can't just drop work/DC/commitments to visit sick relatives 100's of miles away. They still have bills and rent/mortgage to pay and family themselves to support. I think sometimes people need to realise that people can't be expected to drop everything to look after them. Life doesn't work like that. And just because DC aren't visiting, doesn't mean they don't want to or don't care. Life just doesn't work out sometimes.

I know its awful op, its soo very sad.

We had this recently relative taken in, we got all ready to go and visit but said prefered we went went well again and could do things.

Its very hard.

in terms of cash not a case of going both times either and would also mean missing school. case of either or and we are hoping to go soon now out.

Actually, in the country I'm living in you could miss work for "assistance to family". So, you could visit a relative and have your absence from work justified.

I think YABU for all the reasons above but also because I think hospital visiting in the UK is a joke. Like a PP I request NO visitors if I am on a ward because I think it's unreasonable to expect poorly people to tolerate the world, his wife and their snotty nosed kids sneezing all over the shop in a confined, shared space that is already less than hygienic. I would prefer nobody had any visitors at all until everyone has a private en suite and some basic dignity. It's selfish and disruptive for other patients to bring your extended family along for the ride imo.

I can totally relate to this. When my Grandad was in hospital (and subsequently passed away) there was not a minute of visiting time that at least one of us wasn't there. Towards the end of his life, there was actually 9 of us squashed in his room almost all day and at least one overnight despite the hospitals rules of only two per patient because nobody else had any so it didn't matter. I found it really sad and also difficult because my Grandad was dying and the other patients were bored so wanted a chat which we weren't really in the mood for

When my dgran was in hospital we arrived one visiting time to hear her telling someone else's visitor that she had not had visitors in the 6 months she'd been in.

Thing was we visited every weekend, leaving Saturday morning very early to get there to do all the visiting time, 2 hours morning, 4 hours afternoon, 2 hours Saturday evening, then 4 hours Sunday afternoon before doing the 250 mile return journey. It was a miserably hospital for visiting, one chair per patient, so we spent most of that time sat on the floor.
Her other family was abroad and still made the trip twice a month, costing goodness knows how much in airfare etc, staying 2-3 days.

Hearing her say no one had visited was very upsetting after all the effort we'd put in. We're pretty certain she told a lot of people that too.

We live in a culture that does not value society and family

No, not true. Any of my siblings needed me, I'd be there as quickly as I could. If my Grandparents where still alive, I'd make sure they would have the best care in the world. I would and have given a neighbour a helping hand, given my care to those who needed it.

My emotianally/physically abusive parents? I don't care what their excuses are for being vile human beings, they do not deserve my time or effort. You reap what you sow in life - sharing blood with someone does not mean you have to care for them in any sense.

Times have changed, we are not obligated to care for our elders, for whatever reason. I for one think it is a far better way of living - I would much rather see my children enjoy their lives, be out there seeing the world, raising their own families even, than travelling miles and miles to bring me slippers. Anyway, I've told my partner that when he dies of his pizza-induced heart attack, I don't plan to sit in a home waiting for visitors. I'll be off on a cruise with a nice young man called Paulo or Jose, he can bring my slippers .

When my df was admitted to hospital i told my dm not to go. She was utterly exhausted from everyday caring for him. I visited him twice a day but due to his alzheimers he couldnt remember my visits.
If he has to go in in the future, i wouldnt be able to visit as i have a sick husband.
I love my df but sometimes there are other priorities.

It's not new. I am an old biddy. When my great grandmother died in the 1960s I was three.

She had been in a home, visited most days, because she had dementia and it was impossible for her daughter, my grandmother, to cope any longer without collapsing herself. Most Saturdays I did the long trek on the bus to visit but as she insisted that I was not allowed to stay for more than five minutes ('take that child away, she's been here hours, far too long for a child') I used to visit all the other residents and get sweets and fuss from them.

One Christmas I got over £5 in shillings and sixpences. My mother was horrified but was told to bank it for me, as a lot of the people who had handed out the pennies had not had a visitor all year and I had always been friendly to them all. When great grandmother went the staff did wonder whether I'd still be visiting as I was a regular. A lot of relatives weren't.

My uncle would tell you I hadn't visited him for years. When I visited last Friday I had to tell him of a family death three times in forty minutes.

I am watching one of my inlaws slowly pick themselves up now that their relative has died. They visited to the detriment of themselves. I don't know if their health will recover, as they are elderly themselves.

It's grim.

My dad has been in hospital since Father's Day. I live 200 miles away so obviously can't go very often. My DB and SIL, who both work full time, go and visit him almost every day. It's a 20 minute drive to the hospital and costs them £1.40 to park the car there.

So I think it's quite understandable that they don't go every day.

I do think you have been gracious OP in your subsequent posts.
We struggled with this when my mil was in hospital (for 10 weeks) we visited every other day. With her other ds and dd visiting also. If you asked her, nobody had been for weeks, even if we'd been that morning, she hadn't seen any of us, she tried to 'escape' twice. If you caught her while she was lucid, she knew every answer on the quiz shows, she couldn't however, make a cup of tea, tell you what she'd had for lunch and didnt know how to wash herself. She would insist she was working in the hospital and she hadn't had a day off since she'd arrived. She knew our names and who we were, but talked about family members who'd been dead for years in the context that they were still alive and she couldn't get over how they'd not been to see her. It was distressing. Just because you haven't seen anyone visit. Doesn't mean they haven't visited.

Do those visiting actually want to be visiting twice a day every day? Or are we back on the old "family duty" rubbish. As a district nurse I have seen far too many Asian families (usually women) on their knees in caring roles because of what is expected by the wider family.

I felt so guilty and the worst wife every as I couldn't visits DH last week in hospital.

We run out of help - family and friends initially reluctant to help because don't think they got seriousness but by they then it had dragged on a bit and everyone felt they'd done their bit.

No childcare no lifts. It was three buses to get to hospital in next city - or bus train taxi.

They didn't want the DC on the ward - and I was told they may well not admit us but it was more the very restrictive visiting hours that stopped me.

Wasn't allowed to take school aged DC out early but if I picked up and immediately started journey with several pre schools as well we'd get ten minutes with him if they let us in- then the journey back would have meant being hours after DC bed times.

30 minute car journey but public transport bloody hours.

Did once do tax - £40 one way - too much when sole wage earner was in hospital facing long recovery. We did get compensation for the accident in eth end but that was 18 months later.

I don't know how well mange when GP get older - we'd have work childcare, distance and transport al thrown in.

YABU

My grandad fell and injured himself recently.

We are waiting to go and visit him.

Dd was sick the other night. Waiting for this bug to pass.

We all have the awful cold doing the rounds. Again, we will wait for this to pass.

Ds is in school, so we are restricted to weekends as we are 150 miles away.

Until we can go and visit, we phone, text and send cards.

Just because we can't be there does not mean we don't care. Nor does it mean we are not in touch in other ways.

Hospital visiting hours can cause problems too. I work full time so can't visit in the weekday afternoons and evening visiting is 7-8pm which is when my toddler goes to bed. With only one car which my husband uses for work and the hospital my parents use a 35 minute drive, 90 min bus ride with a change, an hour on two trains one of which only runs hourly regular visits are a challenge. And I'm the nearest of their kids

Perhaps some parents or grandparents just don't deserve it. Why should I be there for mine when they were never there for me? They are not owed because they are my family. Blood means nothing to me.

Lots of people live far away from relatives so it would be difficult to go see them.
Some can't afford to go see them.
Some have caring duties closer to home i.e. disabled child and so can't make the trip.
Some children aren't very nice and can;t be bothered/don;t want to visit.
Some parents have done bad bad bad things to their children and don't deserve a visit.

It is children too.When one of my DC was in hospital for a long time there was a girl of 15 who never had a single visitor in the 3 weeks she was in there.