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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people should visit poorly relatives in hospital

82 replies

Ninarina · 07/10/2015 09:45

My mum has been in hospital for a week now and is still v v poorly. No sign of being discharged. We visit every day, twice a day, but noticed that a couple of ladies on her ward have had no visitors at all. One lady had been there a month with no visitors. I thought she was out of it but she started chatting was coherent and said she has two daughters and a son who is married. Where are they??? She needed slippers but no one brought her any so staff put towels on her feet. It's so sad. Another woman was wailing and seemed in distress. We put the TV on and she knew all the answers on The Chase so clearly all there mentally. Why do people not visit their poorly families? Apart from child sex abuse what could their mothers have done to make their grown up kids abandon them like this? I'm from Asian family so it's inconceivable to me and I hope I don't sound awful but this breaks my heart. Can anyone please explain?

OP posts:
backinl00p · 07/10/2015 10:19

In the same way that some people cannot or do not visit in my case I do visit my elderly MIL when she has to stay in hospital even though she was never as nice to me and mine as she was to her own DD and her children spoiling them etc but showing false welcome to my DH and his own children who she very clearly never treated to anything. It pains me to visit. I only do it because of other family members being judgemental but what's funny is her own DD rarely visits even though she doesn't work lives closer etc and even though for years when her mother was well her praise of her mother was OTT to the point of being sickly. OP not all is as it seems even when people do visit!

MushroomMama · 07/10/2015 10:19

I live far away from my mother I don't drive and my DH works a lot so it's not easy to just drop everything to see her

plus she makes herself ill on purpose to gain attention and I've had enough of it

Etak15 · 07/10/2015 10:22

Agree with all above, lots of reasons, I can see both sides of this though dh is from Asian family they visit everyone who's in hospital even if they can't stand them! Same when someone dies, visiting the sick and dying/dead is an obligatory part of their religion. They also have there elderly at home with the family, often shared out a few months between each sibling, which is great but also done out of obligation and sometimes I feel so sorry for granny stuck in the corner not really involved in the busy lives going on around her.
The other side of this is my gm who is in 90's lives in a lovely residential home, which she chose to go into herself after living independently for 10 yrs old following the death of gf. She is about an hour away from nearest family but is visited weekly by family, In between times by friends, is looked after if she needs it, can have family to stay, is active in mind although her body is letting her down a bit recently! My dh thinks that we are all terrible because she doesn't live with us but living with us and our 4 dc's would be her idea of hell! She wants to live a peaceful civilised life in her home town with visitors on her terms - not to be stuck in a corner while we all wizz around ignoring her!

PineappleParty · 07/10/2015 10:24

I'm NC, because she's a total cunt. I wouldn't be visiting her if she ended up in hospital, maybe she could use her time alone, to reflect on what a horrid women she is!

PeterParkerSays · 07/10/2015 10:25

I live upwards of 70 miles aware from in laws / parents and have a 6 year old and work full time.

You may also be visiting a ward where there are age restrictions on who can visit, so under 12s etc.

Her family may just be being ignorant and live next door to the hospital but if two of them are in Australia and the other has a contagious disease then they probably aren't going to get there.

Please don't judge others by your standards. It must be lovely to have the time to devote to popping in to visit elderly relatives every day.

WizardOfToss · 07/10/2015 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IKnowRight · 07/10/2015 10:33

Just to echo what everyone else has said

Good for you that you have time to visit your relative twice a day. I have to work. DC's are at school.

A lot of my family are a long way away so if, for eg, my Mum was in hospital I would only be able to get there at weekends as I live 200 miles away. I would be loathe to do it every weekend too as my dc's need mum at home sometimes.

A few years back dh was in hospital 60 miles away, seriously ill. I went four times a week, as I couldn't take dc's out of school. I went on the days I could get childcare for. I tried to encourage other visitors to go on days I couldn't make it so he had someone every day but it wasn't always possible.

Unfortunately, life goes on when people are in hospital, even when they are seriously ill. People need to earn money, children need some normality and need to go to school etc. We don't all have the luxury of being able to drop everything.

JeffreysMummyIsCross · 07/10/2015 10:33

How judgemental. I'm sorry your mum is ill, OP - I really hope you don't ever find yourself having a parent with a long term illness such as dementia when you live a long way away and your employer flatly refuses to let you have time off to visit or care for them. My DH had this experience with both his parents, and his employer could not have been less understanding - they are more than happy to bend over backwards for those with children but he was outright told that he was "not responsible" for his parents. They only let him have time off when his parents' funerals inevitably took place.

SealSong · 07/10/2015 10:35

I can understand the defensive reactions in the posts on here, but in all honesty it IS inconceivable to many people from Asian cultures that old people would be on their own like this.
It's a cultural difference.

no73 · 07/10/2015 10:36

People have jobs, busy lives and they may be visiting when you are not there. I visited my Nan twice a week when she was in hospital and I work there!! Single parent, working full time plus extra in shifts no way could I manage more!

I never visited my cheating, alcoholic father in hospital and we only went to the funeral to make sure he was dead and in case we ever regretted not going. Wish I hadn't bothered tbh!

Must be lovely to have so much free time to be able to visit twice a day but most people work!

wigglesrock · 07/10/2015 10:37

A week, you're making your ridiculous assumptions based on what you've seen or been told about over a week!
My elderly grandmother was in hospital last year - she was in a nursing home and was unwell, so she was admitted. We visited her regularly but not for the 10 days she was in hospital - my Dad is her only child living in the same country, he was very ill, my mum was so worried about him she couldn't see straight, I was working and when I wasn't I was with my parents or my own children. The hospital quite rightly had very stringent visiting times.
Also my granny could answer questions on game shows, recite nursery rhymes, times tables, poetry with my kids when we visited her in nursing home, she also told people that she had no family, was not visited and that she was 27 years of age on a regular basis.

You sound naive at best and very judgemental at worst. I hope your mum improves soon.

Original poster
Ninarina · 07/10/2015 10:40

Really sorry had no intention to sound mean and v upset if I've upset people who can't visit their relatives due to distance. I'm genuinely mortified that I've come across as a cow. I'm particularly sorry to anyone who is suffering right now like me with a poorly mum. Yes I was being judgemental and I'm sorry. The woman I was referring to had family in the same area so it wasn't a distance thing but I don't want to upset anyone so will delete this thread.

OP posts:
Pico2 · 07/10/2015 10:40

I am astonished that you had to ask this.

SoupDragon · 07/10/2015 10:41

I can understand the defensive reactions in the posts on here

Defensive reactions or simply pointing out the many ways in which the OP could be wrong in her assumptions?

Cultural differences or not, surely isn't rocket science to work out why there might not be as any visitors?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/10/2015 10:45

Yes it is sad when people have no visitors. It would be a great idea if they could put in place a service where people could volunteer to visit such patients if they require it. Some will possibly be fine without visitors but some would feel left out.
There are lots of reasons though why they may not have visitors. For example.
No family
NC with family
The patient themselves could have instructed family not to visit. I have said to my dd that if ever end up in hospital. I don't want her visiting me. She has her own life to lead and that's the end of it. I don't expect or want her to be my nurse maid.
Working commitments.
No one to look after they children.
Live too far away.
It may not be as simple as. They just don't give a shiny shit.

VulcanWoman · 07/10/2015 10:45

A lesson learnt.

Sighing · 07/10/2015 10:48

I rarely visit during my elderly great aunts admissions (she is a widow and childless) to hospital. She lives in London, visiting hours. Frequently husband away at work and children (it wouldn't be good, would it, 2 children running around pestering to go to Hamleys / London Bridge - all the London things they enjoy). I can't make it there and back in a day. So I phone, send treats and keep all our bugs to ourself.

Sighing · 07/10/2015 10:48

(In a school day)

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/10/2015 10:50

To be honest I find it a bit strange too and I am not Asian. But in our family we have always had our elderly family live with us. I wouldn't hesitate to have mine or DH's parents either, the way I see it, they cared for us when we were small.

I know it's not always possible; my Dad's Mum spent her last couple of months in hospital when the Altzheimers became unmanageable, but she was visited every day.

Some people on this thread seem a bit cold about it though.

Maddaddam · 07/10/2015 10:56

Not everyone wants their family to visit. DP loved his mother, but when she had Alzheimers she really didn't seem to appreciate our visits. One time we drove the 5 hrs with our 3 small children to visit, we got there, the dc were behaving pretty well, and after 5 minutes she said, "Well, it'll be nice when you've gone".
I think she meant it.

x2boys · 07/10/2015 10:59

when i worked in dementia care although people had regular visitors sometimes it was so distressing for the visitors to visit their mum,dad, husband ,wife etc and not be recognised by them that i could understand them not wanting to visit imagine visiting your beloved parent and them not recognising you? Also there are many reasons somebody may not want to visit their relative if they have abusive for example?

littlebrownbag · 07/10/2015 11:03

My dad was recently in hospital and there was a chap down the ward who spent all afternoon and evening calling out for his son and complaing that he never visited. The only time he didn't call out was for an hour every afternoon when that exact same son visited him. the minute he left, the chap was calling out again. very difficult for the other patients and nurses etc.

My grandma, in her last days, would also tell everyone how she had been abandoned by her family even though mum was visiting at least twice a day. She lost grip of reality when she had UTIs/kidney infections, even though she was perfectly competent when well, and lived independently etc.

Unfortunately, you just can't take at face value the things that elderly people say in hospital.

PollysHoliday · 07/10/2015 11:10

I've read your last post op and I think you are admirable for acknowledging your mistake.

I live hundreds of miles away from my parents. I am hoping to move to live near them in a few years but that will involve me leaving my career behind and will have a significant impact on my pension. And if we do move my DH will still be living hundreds of miles away from his family.

I wish we all lived in the same town. We wouldn't have to use all our leave up just to visit relatives spread all over the country. I'd love to be able to just pop round to see my parents or have my bil round for a quick coffee. My family has only met my DH's family once, at our wedding twelve years ago.

DH and I moved, separately, to where we live for work. I think it's pretty common but it does make seeing family difficult.

Spartans · 07/10/2015 11:10

I was in hospital when I was 17. Hardly had any visitors. My nana had a compromised immune system and I didn't want anyone catching anything and passing it on to her. She has since past.

My grandad is currently in hospital. He is an alcoholic who is a violent bastard. I actually help care for him. I cook meals (mum drops them off) and clean his house when he is out. However I have no laid eyes on him for 5 years. The bastard broke my nanas leg when drunk, called me a whore and my children 'bastards'. I do these things for him to help my mum out, not him.

I don't feel guilty for not visiting him. It actually pisses me off when people sit there and judge because they can't imagine not visiting. Well lucky for you, you dont have relatives like mine.

backinl00p · 07/10/2015 11:13

I would say don't ask for this to be deketed it is one of those postings that might help enlighten others. One of the things MN chat can be very good at doing. We can all be judgemental at least you came back to post so others know - and others may know - that in this world there are all sorts of people, with all sorts of reasons, for doing the things they do. A bit like the posts which give the opportunity to ask a question which posters feel they can't bring themselves to ask in RL.