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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To try to get pregnant even though I'm bridesmaid?

79 replies

ThePartyArtist · 06/10/2015 17:16

I've been invited by my best friend to be bridesmaid, along with several other girls. We've been friends since school and I am really over the moon to be asked. The wedding is August 2016. DP and I have been thinking of starting trying for a baby around December / January which could mean being very very near the due date at the time of the wedding. I know there are no guarantees we'll get pregnant when we try so don't want to put it off for the sake of a wedding. But is it better to wait until after her wedding to try? Or start trying later so I'd be further from my due date at the time of the wedding?

OP posts:

TSSDNCOP · 06/10/2015 20:29

As I said if dresses are being bought off the peg there's likely to be a problem if the BM is pregnant to has recently had a baby. Most off the peg dresses, aside from often being ruinously expensive, have absolutely no fabric to let out and are really uncomfortable for women with suddenly bigger boobs, bigger waist etc.

That is why I'd tell the bride, who is after all your best friend, what your thinking. Not for permission, just because it makes life a teensy bit easier.

Obviously if she's having the dresses made its not such an issue. My own MOH was fitted out in a matching dress to the other BM's 3 weeks after giving birth.

minipie · 06/10/2015 20:34

Not sure why most posters are focusing on the dress . Obviously being huge in your bridesmaids dress is not an issue.

But, babies do come early sometimes. Or you may be on bed rest or having other complications which mean you can't be there.

So the real issue is, how would you feel if you missed her wedding due to pregnancy/birth? If you'd be devastated to miss it then yes it might be worth waiting to ttc. If not, then no need to wait.

OctoberCupcake · 06/10/2015 20:45

I'm another that says don't wait. Best case scenario, you fall pregnant within a couple of months and can still be a bridesmaid with a couple of months to go. Or you fall pregnant straight away and you have a special celebratory date in common with your friend :)

EchoesOfLeon · 06/10/2015 20:46

Don't wait. We've been ttc for over two years with one MC so any waiting I'd have done for weddings would have been pointless.

In fact, we are having IVF shortly which will mean I could be pregnant at the time I am supposed to be bridesmaid for my friend. I'd be over the moon to pull out because of pregnancy (and would reimburse the bride for ten dresses if needed).

Ohgodohgodohgodohgod · 06/10/2015 20:49

Omg fuck that. Do what you want.

TurquoiseDress · 06/10/2015 20:56

YANBU
I would recommend cracking on with TTC.
You never know how long it might take & you can't delay things or plans things like this based on other people's plans or life events.
Just get on with it.
So what if you're heavily pregnant? You'll have a baby on the way & will just have to make do with soft drinks or a cheeky glass of champagne!

MrsMook · 06/10/2015 21:34

I was a BM at 6wks pg. The point at which I was ready to TTC could have meant I was a maximum of 5 months pg. The bride was aware of this and we chose empire line dresses that paid off as I was bloated and could have struggled with some closely fitting styles. She was a close enough friend for me to feel comfortable about discussing it.

From the experience I'd had first time (and repeated second time) I would have struggled to be a BM in the two months either side of the birth due to an inability to walk or do anything much!

Anyone worth being a bridesmaid for should be easy enough to discuss it with, and be understanding of whatever position you are in.

MillieMoodle · 06/10/2015 21:51

Don't wait until after her wedding to ttc; if she's that good a friend, I think she'll understand.
I was supposed to be chief bridesmaid for one of my best friends. As it was, I missed her hen weekend as I was 8 months pg, wasn't able to be bridesmaid and didn't even go to her wedding. DS was born (12 days late) just before midnight on the day before her wedding. (I think him being born on her actual wedding day might have been a step too far ). She was lovely as always, she woke all her family up on her wedding day to tell them I'd had DS, he and I were both mentioned in her lovely husband's wedding speech (including the fact that I was supposed to be bridesmaid) and she and her husband are DS's godparents (apparently I owed her a godchild for missing her wedding )
Good luck ttc OP!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 06/10/2015 21:56

Well you can't be expected to put your life on hold just because she's getting married.

Nothing to say you're going to pregnant by then. I've been ttc for over 2 years.

FishWithABicycle · 06/10/2015 22:01

Don't wait. If she's your true friend she will be delighted to have you as bridesmaid heavily pregnant if that's what happens - or accept you having to be there in spirit but not in body if you conceive in December.

If she's pissed off by your getting pg, whenever that happens, she wasn't your friend.

Brummiegirl15 · 06/10/2015 22:05

Do not wait and certainly do not ask permission!!!

You aren't pregnant yet - and you don't know how long it will take...

When you are 12 wks then deal with the dress issue but until then it's no one else's business

angelos02 · 06/10/2015 22:53

It wouldn't even cross my mind...TTC over a fee hours of someone else's life? FFS

onecurrantbun1 · 06/10/2015 22:54

I've just been BM at my best friend's wedding at 20 weeks pregnant. I fitted in the original dress fine but had a maternity option lined up which was off the peg and I'd have ordered it (with next day delivery if needed!) if necessary. The only thing I would say is be prepared and offer to pay for the new dress if and when you announce your pregnancy - I felt it would've been hugely unfair TO ask friend to pay for a second dress when she'd already provided the first!

Some people do have complicated pregnancies and premature births and HG but the vast majority of pregnancies there'd be no reason why you couldn't fulfil BM duties

honeyroar · 06/10/2015 23:02

You said you and her are best friends, so surely you could discuss it with her? Do you already think she will take offence?

Rowboat · 06/10/2015 23:03

Speaking as someone who was 34 weeks and bridesmaid to my best friend; go for it, life's too short. When I told her I was pregnant I offered to stand down but she wouldn't hear of it. I was huge on the day and had some 'interesting' braxton hicks moments at the reception but it was important to both of us that I was there.

leedy · 07/10/2015 05:52

Don't wait and don't feel you have to ask her. I didn't tell aaaaaaaaanyone I was TTC and it took 10 months to conceive DS1 (DS2 happened on the first try). It felt very private to just me and DP, I'd have hated the idea of someone, even a good friend, wondering every month if I'd managed to get myself up the duff yet, well, she did warn me she was going to try to get pregnant before the wedding, God, it's taking ages, I thought it just happened for most people, wonder if they took a month off, are they having problems, etc. etc. It was bad enough wondering about it myself.

toomuchtooold · 07/10/2015 06:14

I'm another one voting to not wait and not ask. My first pregnancy, I was due in the same week as my DH's best mate's from school was getting married, so we warned them as soon as we knew. I had a miscarriage and although they were lovey, still it was awkward for all of us over the next couple of years as they had their two children and we had another two miscarriages.

MidniteScribbler · 07/10/2015 07:41

I wouldn't hold off TTC, but I would tell her before she bought or ordered dresses. I wouldn't care if a friend was pregnant at my wedding, but I would be annoyed if they were actively TTC and let me go and spend a fortune on a dress they may not be able to wear. If she knows, she can hold off on ordering dresses until closer to the time.

TheSwallowingHandmaiden · 07/10/2015 07:46

Why would you tell anyone - including the bride - you're ttc? Your baby plans are more important than a friend's wedding! You only need to tell her when you're 12wks gone.

wonkylegs · 07/10/2015 07:54

We've been TTC for no.2 for nearly 3yrs (1 miscarraige, now 9wks and shit scared) so I wouldn't say anything until you actually have something to say. Our DS was conceived after 5mths of trying.
I'd be upfront once you have something to say because then it's helpful with sorting out dresses etc , now it's just speculation and one more thing for you and the bride to stress about.

chrome100 · 07/10/2015 07:56

Bloody hell, don't wait just because of her wedding. If I were the bride I just be chuffed you were pregnant, the whole bridesmaid thing really doesnt matter.

Vedamakesthebesttoast · 07/10/2015 09:27

Good luck with TV as many people have said its not always as easy as first try (4 yrs and 2 Ivf cycles for us) just don't be a dick about it if you do get pg. my sil still isn't speaking to us 4 yrs after our wedding because we wouldn't change our date when she found out she was due on the same day. We'd already paid for the venue and booked everything plus sent out invites! And we'd bloody well chosen that date to suit her oldest' school term times!

Pidapie · 07/10/2015 09:32

Just go for it, and tell her if you do get pregnant :) Don't put it off or ask for permission, you never know when you'll get pregnant, or if baby will be born early or late and so on. Don't let the wedding decide on your life plans!

Hellocampers · 07/10/2015 09:38

Sorry but I actually laughing out loud at thinking of discussing such a personal issue with a friend.

Incredible that posters think you should run this by the bride to be.

Just get on a do what suits your life.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 07/10/2015 09:43

I would hold off a few weeks. Not for the wedding, but so you don't have an August baby!

And yes, tell the bride too.

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