Am I a bitch?

[Crazycatlaydee]

Long and boring alert!

I have a dtwin sister who I'm very close to but we have quite a tempestuous relationship (mid 20s). We're living in the same house right now which is fine but as much as I love her (and I do - if she wasn't there id really miss her), we can be unnecessarily cruel to each other (verbally) and sometimes just don't know when to stop. It's uncontrollable, we just don't know how to talk nicely to each other (but funnily enough we can have a laugh and a joke when with company and can be civil then).

Her big thing to use against me right now is that I'm a bit of a failure (I was maybe the more traditionally academic one at school but she went to the top top uni and I went to an academic but less prestigious one)... I'm actually having some time out of uni atm which my family didn't expect so that's why I'm fair game for this.

My "thing" to use against her is that she doesn't have friends This is patently untrue but i had a closer friendship group in the past and although it's a nasty thing to say, I say it when she upsets me (in anger) sometimes. She has told me how she hates it when I say it, and I do feel guilty and horrible.

I guess my point is, is it half and half? Am I the bitch? More importantly how can we get on??? I would really love to. If anyone has similar sibling stories and now you both really get on would love to hear

Thanks so much laundry

Bit harsh eastmids??

Still reading the other posts, thanks all

You both really need to grow up! It all sounds really petty imo. I wouldn't treat a family member like that, using their weaknesses against them is just awful, you should be supporting each other. You need to stop it and rise above it. You're both adults, act like it.

I know fratelli, it is awful. Have been actively trying over the past day to change things and it's early days but it's working.

Anyway some real food for thought here, thanks hugely to people who've tried to understand and offered advice, hugely appreciated

Just because you can say something does't mean you should.

We know the weaknesses of the people closest to us. We know the things we can say that will hit right at the heart of their insecurities. But because we love/respect them we (as adults) can choose not to go there.

The only way you can make this better is by making an active choice not to 'get personal' - even when you feel attacked.

Practise your responses. Think through scenarios where there are known hotspots. Try to be different.

It's great that you're trying to change. Maybe show her this thread?

Google information on communicating, in particular using "I messages" - so that instead of finger-pointing and saying "you are a horrible person because you make me feel bad" you say "when you do/say X, then it makes me feel Y. Please stop/I'm going to walk away now/let's try talking when we are both calmer".

I'm afraid that you can't change your DSis, but you can change how you react to her...which will hopefully (eventually) change the dynamic of your relationship and lead to her changing herself.

I know of female twins who have similar problems-very attached to each other, hate separation but are competitive, and unable to decide between being the same or being different.

I cam imagine when others are around you two feel like a unit and loyalty comes to the fore, but on your own, your differences and resentments come to the fore.

Part of the solution will have to be unwrapping some deep feelings and experiences, but part is also just resetting your habits so you don't both slip back into the hurtful patterns of speech.

What would happen if your sister threw her usual insult at you, whatever it is, and you just owned it and turned the row into a serious conversation about that topic? If you can tell each other anything, then do. Tell her how it makes you feel and how much you want to stop throwing barbs at each other. Be sincere and authentic in everything you say, try not to react without thinking. Tell her you are angry instead of simply acting on the anger. (Easy to say, hard to do).

Or show your twin this thread.

Also when the bickering threatens to start:
Count to ten.
Say "I'm going to have to think about that" and remove yourself.
Nod and say "hmm, I hadn't thought of it like that".

Basically anything which acts like a fire blanket smothering the flames.

And think about how you are holding your body when you argue. Do you hold your hands as fists? Do you shoulders rise or your jaw stick out?
Try making a conscious effort to relax your body rather than using all that tension to fuel the argument. Breath slowly and deeply out through your mouth. Anything to control the adrenalin and the urge to fight (as you evidently aren't into flight).

Report back after the weekend OP

Will do