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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a bitch?

86 replies

Crazycatlaydee · 06/10/2015 15:06

Long and boring alert!

I have a dtwin sister who I'm very close to but we have quite a tempestuous relationship (mid 20s). We're living in the same house right now which is fine but as much as I love her (and I do - if she wasn't there id really miss her), we can be unnecessarily cruel to each other (verbally) and sometimes just don't know when to stop. It's uncontrollable, we just don't know how to talk nicely to each other (but funnily enough we can have a laugh and a joke when with company and can be civil then).

Her big thing to use against me right now is that I'm a bit of a failure (I was maybe the more traditionally academic one at school but she went to the top top uni and I went to an academic but less prestigious one)... I'm actually having some time out of uni atm which my family didn't expect so that's why I'm fair game for this.

My "thing" to use against her is that she doesn't have friends This is patently untrue but i had a closer friendship group in the past and although it's a nasty thing to say, I say it when she upsets me (in anger) sometimes. She has told me how she hates it when I say it, and I do feel guilty and horrible.

I guess my point is, is it half and half? Am I the bitch? More importantly how can we get on??? I would really love to. If anyone has similar sibling stories and now you both really get on would love to hear

OP posts:

sproketmx · 06/10/2015 15:34

Acht you know what.... it doesn't matter. You have the foundations. You are sisters ao your going to bitch and moan and fight but you sound like you have each others back when you need to. My sister lives over the back from me and we spent most of the day driving around together which culminated in me telling her she's a Fucking airhead and a shocking driver and shouldn't be on the road and forcing her to pull over so I drove the rest. I can say this, she's my sister but he'll mend anyone else who said it about her.

I can't be doing with forced niceness. You love her but you argue. Everyone is going to disagree with someone at some point so best to just get it out. Like you said it doesn't stop you loving her but living in each others pockets like you are just now is probably a little extra strain

trian · 06/10/2015 15:35

sorry, haven't had time to read the responces.

What you're describing sounds a bit like a "trauma bond", though possibily you haven't been through trauma and I'm not an expert on trauma bonding.

Maybe Transactional Analysis could help? It's another thing I'm not an expert on but as I understand it, it's basically about getting people to behave like mature adults to each other, instead of bratty teenagers (sorry, not trying to judge, but the point of TA I think is to get you both to talk to each other as you would your friends, colleagues etc, and not to take it for granted that your blood ties erase any hurt your words could cause.) TA can be useful in responding to parents who try and undermine u because THEY are relating to you as their child, not an adult etc etc

Original poster

Crazycatlaydee · 06/10/2015 15:37

sproke thanks you've got it in one! She can tell me anything, literally anything, that if anyone else said to me I would probably walk away and never speak to them again!!! And it works both ways. But I do think we have the foundations so just want to build on those really and stop being gratuitously nasty for the sake of it

OP posts:

JasIsak89 · 06/10/2015 15:37

No offence but why start up the thread if you get really defensive about the respones you're getting. One of my closest friends has a twin sister and they argue from time to time but never throw insults like that at each other and they're in their 20s to. Being nasty is a choice you make. You can choose to take the moral highground and act like a better person when your sister says horrible things to you but you throwing equally as horrible things at her makes it worse. It's really quite simple.

Original poster

Crazycatlaydee · 06/10/2015 15:38

Ooh interesting trian I shall have a look into that! Thank you

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Viviennemary · 06/10/2015 15:43

You are both not good for each other at the present time IMHO. Then perhaps when you are both more mature you can develop a more positive relationship. It's not working out at the moment.

CupboardOfBacon · 06/10/2015 15:46

Have you tried sitting down and talking to her? Maybe discussing the type of relationship you would like to have with her and both agreeing to try to be kinder to each other.

sproketmx · 06/10/2015 15:48

Close siblings have a complicated love hate relationship. For the record I recon you're both fine. Yes some of the nastiness and sniping can be exhausting but I haven heard you post on here they she's 'vile' or anything really horrible like some people on here refer to their family members. I bet you could have a massive fight storm off and you would still be the first one she called if she were in trouble. And vice versa

hellsbellsmelons · 06/10/2015 15:50

You should really be well past this stage now.
I think I started to be nice to my DS when I hit about 15 and she was 13.
In your 20's you should be far more mature than you are behaving.
It's childish and odd. Just be good friends. You'll both be far happier.

BeautyQueenFromMars · 06/10/2015 15:57

I have 3 sisters, and sometimes we do rub each other up the right way, but we never say horrid things to each other. Not to say we don't upset each other sometimes, but it's never deliberate. One of my sisters can really rile me at times, and I do feel like saying something to take her down a peg or two. But I don't, because I don't want to hurt her. I never respond when I'm pissed off, and I check my thoughts before I let them out of my mouth.

Two of my sisters are twins, and they are the same with each other, neither wants to hurt the other, so they bite their tongues when upset.

blushrush · 06/10/2015 16:01

Wow, some harsh responses in this post. It can be really hard living with a sibling. I have a sister I get on fine with but a brother who I often argue with. We're just very different people.

It sounds like spending so much time together is what's causing your problems. I'll admit, I fight much less with my brother now that we live apart, but when we both lived at home we were vicious to each other.

Maybe it's time to look at living apart? It may help your relationship in the long term?

LittleBairn · 06/10/2015 16:01

It appears that you are both immature brats. Your 'it's a twin thing' is an excuse you could treat each other better if you wished.

SeasonalVag · 06/10/2015 16:06

Well, I am one of three and we all dislike eachother intensely. I always assumed it would get easier as we grew older.

Negative patterns of behaviour were allowed to continue from childhood
Parents were ineffective disciplinarians yet fostered sibling rivalry.
Big bullying issues between my sisters, who I doubt will ever speak again

I have walked away from my family with much regret because the constant drama has worn me out. I am much happier.

You need to start respecting eachother NOW.
Don't end up like my family.
And stop having these petty rows, because that's what they are.

pinkfrocks · 06/10/2015 16:09

A lot depends on how serious this and how much she wants to stop it too.

Counselling is one possible solution- for each of you or together.

Are you not working? you said you dropped out of uni- which is a bit odd at 25 because if you'd gone at 18 or 19 you'd be working by now. maybe got wrong end of stick but if she is bashing you because you gave up uni then that's crazy.

Are you living in your parents home? If so, nightmare for them too I expect.

why don't you move out and support yourself- then when you aren't living together I expect you will get on much better.

Original poster

Crazycatlaydee · 06/10/2015 16:13

We have moved back into our family home, yes, after four years apart. Both took years out to work in full time jobs for a year after school then 3 years at uni (hers v competitive, mine quite intense but less so). I am still at uni in theory (I'm almost 24) with "just" final exams left but have completed the tuition side of things.

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pinkfrocks · 06/10/2015 16:23

Speaking as a mum who has children older than you, I can only sympathise with your parents because if they are party to all this hysteria from you and your sister, they must be very stressed. How do they react to all of this?

Grow up a bit and learn to control your tongue.

Original poster

Crazycatlaydee · 06/10/2015 16:27

Yes pinkfrocks it's not fair on them.

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noeffingidea · 06/10/2015 16:35

You both sound like bitches, tbh.
You say you love each other, then fucking act like it! Would you speak like that to your partner? Would you accept that sort of behaviour from your partner?
You are supposed to be nice to the people that you love, at least the majority of the time. Sure everyone argues or falls out from time to time, but what is it with the sniping and the competitiveness?

Troubletutmill · 06/10/2015 16:50

I am one of 5 sisters, there have been many fallings out. The youngest is an incredibly difficult person and two of the sisters will not speak to her at all due to her goading. She tried this with me and the other sister who still speaks to her last week.

We did not rise to the bait, my nice sister spent the night with a terrible upset stomach becuause of youngest sisters behaviour and thought she was especially vile to me.

My delightful younger sister informed me that my abusive ex used to beat me because I am argumentative, I'm not especially though she is and has fallen out with so many people its unreal. Talk about projection.

We are all way past our twenties, what Im saying is that at some point if you both keep acting like arseholes you will end up with no relationship.

Sounds like extreme sibling rivalry, was one of you the obvious favourite?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/10/2015 16:52

Hey, you bitchy twin you

I think you have realised its dysfunctional behaviour, and realised its wrong. I think kudos for that to be honest.

I think you have got stuck in a bitchy and nasty behavioural pattern, for what its worth 2 of my friend had this and I hated it. Guess what? one dumped the other one out of the blue last year - and we are in our 40s if that's a consolation. I also had this a bit with my younger brother, and due to a family illness it kind of stopped (it was him, not me!)

I think now is time to call time on this, and try and develop a more meaningful relationship.

But this means someone has to be the bigger person. and that means next time one twin brings out the knife, someone has to develop a strategy for handling it without nastiness ? could that be you?

Original poster

Crazycatlaydee · 06/10/2015 17:04

Thank you stopfuckingshouting (love the username btw ), yes that's what I'm looking for really, coping strategies to stop me going back to the old petty slanging matches when we do argue. Could anyone help?

I think counselling would help us too to be honest. I do sometimes find with her that she is just unwilling to compromise or do me anything resembling a favour. She just seems very set on the fact that her way is the "right" way and is reluctant to listen to reason. This makes me think that maybe she doesn't trust me deep down or thinks I am out to get her?! So there are definitely some deep rooted issues there.

I wouldn't say my parents had a favourite st all. If anything they have tried to be scrupulously fair with us. This sometimes backfires though when my sister deals out a sort of rough justice when she feels she has been wronged by me. All very complicated but probably just bog-standard weird relationship dynamics!!!

Thank you again to the posters offering constructive advice, you don't know how much you've helped

OP posts:

Tiredemma · 06/10/2015 17:06

You both sound like you need to grow up

Booyaka · 06/10/2015 17:14

I think you've got into a vicious cycle. You both do it so you both feel justified continuing to do it because you are just retaliating. Then the other feels justified retaliating too. And it goes on and one. An eye for an eye is making you both blind.

You need to sit down with her and have a frank talk, both admit you're doing it then agree to make a fresh start where you stop.

Original poster

Crazycatlaydee · 06/10/2015 17:25

Ok, I understand why people are making comments like "you both need to grow up" but please could you refrain unless you also have some advice to add?

I know I need to grow up, I know we both need to grow up, I'm asking for advice in improving our relationship. So you're not being terribly helpful if I'm honest

OP posts:

Original poster

Crazycatlaydee · 06/10/2015 17:25

Thank you Booyaka, you're completely right

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