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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the whole point of a Will is to leave your money to whoever you want

84 replies

wineoclockthanks · 05/10/2015 20:52

But apparently that's not the case...

My Elderly Aunt is rewriting her Will and wants to leave everything to her DD2 and nothing to her eldest daughter who she hasn't been in contact with for nearly 30 years (not sure why, it's never discussed!).

I took her to a Solicitor who basically said she would strongly advise against leaving her D1 out because if the daughter contested it, it's highly likely she would win and the costs of such a case would come out of the Estate. She quoted a case where a daughter had been estranged for 42 years but contested and won a share of her late mother's estate.

My Aunt is really upset, it's not a huge amount of money, but she wanted it all to go to the daughter who has been there for her and basically looked after her for the past 20-odd years.

AIBU to be shocked by this?

OP posts:
VulcanWoman · 06/10/2015 14:53

What a shitty thing to do.

squoosh · 06/10/2015 14:59

We can't possibly know if it's a shitty thing to do without knowing the reason for the breakdown in relationship 30 years ago between the Op's aunt and the OP's aunt's daughter.

cleaty · 06/10/2015 15:00

I know someone cut out of a will for being gay. Some parents use wills to be shitty.

squoosh · 06/10/2015 15:01

Of course they do. And some are just reacting to shitty kids.

cozietoesie · 06/10/2015 15:17

... And some are just reacting to shitty kids...

Maybe so - but who is to say how much they contributed to the children turning out to be nasty little beasts?

I just think that when the time comes to execute an estate, your race is run and there's little virtue in trying to 'fix' things or administer retribution from beyond the grave. (No cackling from Hades for me.)

About the best you can do, I think, is try to leave your children with a fairly clean plate so that they can make their own decisions without old wounds being opened up needlessly and animosities being compounded through the generations.

And estates are so darned complicated. Equal shares or the cats home are at least understandable decisions which are less likely to resonate through the ages.

(I exclude wills where the testator might have had to make allowances for a child with special needs or for eg the continuation of a viable farm. Those matters are complex indeed.)

cleaty · 06/10/2015 15:20

I just think if you are not going to do equal shares to your children, at least have the courage to tell them before you die, and explain why.

squoosh · 06/10/2015 15:24

That's my point cozietoesie, we don't know the ins and outs of this particular family so we're just guessing.

Scoobydoo8 · 06/10/2015 15:27

There is often one DC that the care of the elderly parent lands on. However ime they are never usually rewarded over the other DCs as the DP wants to be fair.

That is a shame imv. It can be life changing for the carer eg giving up work or promotion etc

cozietoesie · 06/10/2015 15:28

Indeed. When you write a will, you're pretty well always guessing though, aren't you? You can sometimes drive yourself mad with 'What Ifs' - there's little point in that when you're dead.

cleaty · 06/10/2015 16:23

My experience is of friends and neighbours doing lots of caring, and relatives only swooping in for the very end bit. But generally people leave money to relatives, not to friends and neighbours who may have helped practically for many years.

Original poster
wineoclockthanks · 06/10/2015 16:51

Gosh, lots of replies.

As I said, I don't know why they fell out but I know my Aunt was very upset and hurt by it all. AFAIK, no-one in the family has had any contact with Dd1 for years and years and I assume don't know where she is.

We are not talking about life-changing amounts of inheritance so it's not really about the money and I appreciate things are very different if there are dependants involved, but I guess I, naively as it turns out, assumed you could do what you want in a Will.

I will talk to my Aunt about getting a second opinion.

OP posts:
VulcanWoman · 06/10/2015 16:51

If my Son turned out to be a little shit I would leave him my money in any case for failing him because that's what I'd feel I'd done.

thelittleredhen · 06/10/2015 16:52

Sorry for not RTWT - but I would assume that during the meeting with her solicitor, they would have spoken about the reasons why her daughter was to be left out of the Will and so they will have it recorded in her attendance note.

I would also advise your aunt to put a letter with her Will if she is worried.

VulcanWoman · 06/10/2015 16:52

It's the principle, not the amount.

squoosh · 06/10/2015 16:58

Sometimes people turn out to be shits despite having good parents.

mrsnec · 06/10/2015 17:05

I was estranged from my father but he still left me 42% of his estate in his will. I see it as him trying to make amends after he was gone.

He was in the process of divorcing his wife, my stepmother when he died.

She contested. The executors went to mediation and she was awarded a larger share than we, his actual children were.

It took 3 years and our legals told us if we hadn't gone to mediation and it had gone to court as his wife she would have been entitled to everything because they were still married and despite the fact she wasn't even mentioned in the will. They hadn't even lived together in years.

Wills don't mean much to me now and I shan't be making one.

VulcanWoman · 06/10/2015 17:15

Do they really, Sometimes Parents are good, bad or inadequate and sometimes their best isn't good enough, why punish their children again for that.

squoosh · 06/10/2015 17:21

And sometimes the parents' best is more than good enough but their adult child has chosen their own path in life.

If we can easily believe that people can overcome bad parenting why is it so hard to believe that some people 'overcome' good parenting?

cozietoesie · 06/10/2015 17:21

mrsnec

Even if they don't mean much to you, always make a valid will. It saves all sorts of hassles when you die. (Even if you leave the lot to charity.)

Booyaka · 06/10/2015 17:21

It's a really, really hard one. Because I hate to say it, but when you hear the stories of children involved in these cases often they're very, very sad stories which often involved abuse of some sort, particularly emotional or psychological. Or where money and inheritance has been used as a weapon or means of control. There was a thread on here earlier this week about a couple whose marriage was breaking down because the MIL was basically dangling the DH's inheritance as a means of controlling him and stopping him from being independent and protecting his family from her nastiness. Often writing someone out of a will is the last act of nastiness in a long line of nasty actions.

I'm sure there are cases where the person with the money is entirely the innocent party, but I think it's probably fairly rare that they are totally innocent in whatever the fallout is resulting from. I tend to think more often than not if they are the type of person who is going to exercise a deliberate act of revenge by disinherting someone you will tend to be the kind of person who would also have made life a bit tough for at least some of the people around you while you were alive anyway.

AnyoneButAndre · 06/10/2015 17:24

Did the will date from before his marriage to Evil Stepmother mrsnec?

mrsnec · 06/10/2015 17:30

I don't know if I'd want to leave it to charity either. My great aunt died last year and left everything to charity. They have been pestering the executor to ensure everything reaches the maximum value for them. The sole executor is her sister who is in her 80's.

In my opinion what is written in a will should be carried out regardless of what anybody else has to say and in my experience that just doesn't happen in the UK. If the system changed I might change my mind.

I used to see a will as a guarantee that your last wishes would be carried out in a dignified way but I no longer believe that.

DoJo · 06/10/2015 17:31

Sometimes people turn out to be shits despite having good parents.

I'm sure that is how my father views it, whereas I believe that there is more fault on his side than mine (naturally) which is why I think people should be able to will what they want to whom they want - the person with the assets is the one whose opinion matters when it comes to dividing up their estate, and if siblings/step-children/other beneficiaries involved really think that the way the will has been distributed is unfair then they are able to make their own decisions and share their portion if they see fit.

mrsnec · 06/10/2015 17:34

In my case there was an earlier will but he had amended it and stated his intention to divorce and she'd already had a settlement from their separation.

He died of cancer that spread to his brain so she argued he wasn't of sound mind.

I think this kind of thing can really bring out the worst in people.

VulcanWoman · 06/10/2015 17:42

Agree, well said Boo.