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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the whole point of a Will is to leave your money to whoever you want

84 replies

wineoclockthanks · 05/10/2015 20:52

But apparently that's not the case...

My Elderly Aunt is rewriting her Will and wants to leave everything to her DD2 and nothing to her eldest daughter who she hasn't been in contact with for nearly 30 years (not sure why, it's never discussed!).

I took her to a Solicitor who basically said she would strongly advise against leaving her D1 out because if the daughter contested it, it's highly likely she would win and the costs of such a case would come out of the Estate. She quoted a case where a daughter had been estranged for 42 years but contested and won a share of her late mother's estate.

My Aunt is really upset, it's not a huge amount of money, but she wanted it all to go to the daughter who has been there for her and basically looked after her for the past 20-odd years.

AIBU to be shocked by this?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 06/10/2015 01:10

My Stepfather deliberately has left his eldest DD out of his will - she robbed him blind many years ago.

He's left a letter explaining his decision with his will.

I'm glad it's not Scotland - she doesn't deserve a penny.

howtorebuild · 06/10/2015 01:20

A dysfunctional parent will leave a dysfunctional Will, complete with troubles after they die. Any decent parent leaves all children the same.

MissBattleaxe · 06/10/2015 09:21

A dysfunctional parent will leave a dysfunctional Will, complete with troubles after they die. Any decent parent leaves all children the same.

A very sweeping statement. One size does not fit all. Adult children can treat functional, decent parents very badly. Adult children may have drug or gambling problems. One size does not fit all.

I also think that children are not ENTITLED to an inheritance. It is entirely up to the person who left the will.

Anotherusername1 · 06/10/2015 09:21

I'm in a similar situation with my father. I am an only child, but he has a much older daughter by his first marriage. When I was 15 they fell out big time, she went NC. My father has tried to contact my niece and nephew but they are obviously taking their mum's side.

He is leaving me everything. I've told him that she will come in for half of it. He disagrees and says she's not entitled to anything and he's not leaving her kids anything either and I get his money and she gets her mum's money (er, I have a mum too). And to make it worse, he won't go to a solicitor or will-writer, because I am a solicitor and he expects me to draft it for him. It's not my area of law but he refuses to listen. So he has a basic will that leaves me everything and he's written a letter to ask me to make some gifts on his behalf, which I will do. No idea if it's watertight. It annoys me because she's been NC (for good reason) but I can't bring myself to do the same, so I do all the duty visits and she's better off than I am as well but there it is. Quite frankly I don't want his flippin money! Wills cause so much hassle, but I think as a beneficiary I can vary it anyway, so if my half-sister does challenge it, I'll just give her half. It's a real shame she's missed out on her nephew and I've missed out on my niece and nephew because of this, but she thinks if she's friendly with me, it's a way for our father to get back into her life.

But yes I think you should be able to leave your money to who the heck you want to, with safeguards for people who are dependent on you.

Floppy5885 · 06/10/2015 09:23

Why shouldn't DC 1 inherit? I wonder what her story was and why she hasn't had contact for years.

MissBattleaxe · 06/10/2015 09:26

Don't always assume its the parents' fault.

cleaty · 06/10/2015 09:28

I never think a parent should cut a child out of their will. It is not just about money. Whatever happens, they are still your child.

MissBattleaxe · 06/10/2015 09:49

Whatever happens, they are still your child.

Whilst I feel that way about my own children, I can see why in other circumstances that would not always fit the bill.

Like I said in my earlier post- some adult children can have addictions or dangerous behaviour or be just plain nasty. You can be the loveliest parent in the world but that doesn't guarantee that you won't get unscrupulous malicious children or children who could blow an inheritance on a gambling or drinking binge.

Or what about where one or two of your children enjoy a close and caring relationship with you, going out of their way to help and another ignores you for over 30 years apart from Christmas cards? Or what if one is very wealthy and others are on the breadline?

I do not think that children are entitled to money in a will. If they get it, great, but I don't see it as a birthright regardless of how they treat their parents.

cleaty · 06/10/2015 10:08

I don't see it as about the money. It is how it says to a child that their parent doesn't really love them. If you are going to disinherit a child, tell them that and explain why. So if they are wealthy and don't need it, explain that before you die, rather than leave them thinking you didn't love them as much.

sparechange · 06/10/2015 10:29

I think in the case of the daughter who got a claim of her mother's estate, it was also because she had lost her father when she was young, and the father's estate passed to the mother.
Because the father wasn't estranged, it was argued that the mother was 'speaking for him' in deciding 'his' money shouldn't be passed on to the daughter

ArcheryAnnie · 06/10/2015 10:30

Some old people are just bastards and easily influenced.

Welp, this isn't ageist at all.

I think if you have dependents you are morally and should legally be required to provide for them, if you have anything to leave after you die. If I died now and left my estate (a bit of a flat, shared with the mortgage company) to a cats' home, that would be a dereliction of duty to my DS. Once my DS is an independent adult, then it should be entirely up to me whether he gets it, or the cats do.

I am one of a big family. We are not rich, but my late mum had a house to leave. She left it all to one of my sisters, as the sister in question is ill and also pretty flaky, and so unlikely to be able to hold down a proper job for long. (We've all been ill at various points in ways which has interrupted our work history.) I knew this in advance (my mum had told us all) but it didn't stop me being the one to care for my mum during her long illness, disability, decline and death. Did I sometimes resent it? Of course. Do i get fed up that one of my sisters has had a lifetime of not having to work while the rest of us graft? Of course - though I still prefer my life of getting shit done than hers of well, not getting shit done. But I'm an adult. If my mum had left it all to Battersea (she preferred dogs) then that's her business. And - oddly or not - it hasn't affected my relationship with my sister.

Londonista123 · 06/10/2015 11:24

I don't see it as about the money. It is how it says to a child that their parent doesn't really love them. If you are going to disinherit a child, tell them that and explain why.

This^^. We had/have an inheritance drama in my family, with the deceased apparently (after some investigation) having changed their will because they'd borrowed a lot off one bit of the family and wanted to pay it back via the will. My mum still thinks I "did something" to the deceased to make them change their will, and reminds me of this whenever she gets the chance. I don't feel I had any right to inherit, and the assets have gone to a cousin I love dearly, but I can't help thinking that an explanatory note would have avoided some pain and shut up DM

HearTheThunderRoar · 06/10/2015 11:36

Am in a very similar situation, mum is NC with my arsehole brother, she has been for 5 years other than my dad's death / funeral and the days leading up to his death two years ago. I am in NZ where he will probably be able to contest the will so he will be included in it as we may as well cut out the solicitors, time wasting etc which could drag on for months, if not years and we just want to be able to cut him out of my lives for good.

It does piss me off big time as he has been the son from hell, doesn't deserve a penny of it but at the end of the day it's only money.

TheCunnyFunt · 06/10/2015 12:52

My MIL has written out 3 of her 4 sons. She's leaving everything to my DH, our DD and her grandson. Apparently it's been written in such a way that it can't be contested. No idea how that works, I have no knowledge of wills etc.

ArcheryAnnie · 06/10/2015 13:16

Do you know why, Cunny?

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 06/10/2015 13:39

A dysfunctional parent will leave a dysfunctional Will, complete with troubles after they die. Any decent parent leaves all children the same

Load of bollocks. What if one child is a junkie with a record of burglary and GBH who robbed the parent blind, and the other is a charity worker who feeds the homeless on the side and nursed the parent for a decade?
Equal shares then?

TheCunnyFunt · 06/10/2015 13:48

Why MIL has written them out?

TheCunnyFunt · 06/10/2015 13:55

Because those 3 treat her like shit, they think nothing of verbally abusing her and very occasionally one of them has physically hurt her. The eldest convinced her to invest in his business, to be a silent partner. The business she invested £££££'s in never existed. Last year MIL kicked FIL out, the 3 sons were ok with that. But then earlier this year MIL found a new partner, and the 3 sons went berserk, the two still living at home moved out, completely trashing her house along the way, caused a fucktonne of damage and occasionally they appear at her house to throw some more verbal abuse at her. She's in the middle of getting a restraining order.

howtorebuild · 06/10/2015 14:08

I love the child, not the behaviour. I am leaving my children equal shares, thankfully I don't have a burglar for a child so don't have that hurt to deal with, it must be upsetting.

MissBattleaxe · 06/10/2015 14:29

Exactly ConstanceMark. There's no one-size-fits-all generalization that fits every family. You can't always blame the parents for being dysfunctional.

cozietoesie · 06/10/2015 14:34

Good grief, TheCunnyFunt.

I just couldn't leave a share of my estate to people like that. (And I have pretty strong views about leaving children with a clean plate/equal shares and so on.) Just couldn't do it.

laffymeal · 06/10/2015 14:37

It only applies to moveable estate in Scotland, the heritable part is untouchable and is under the terms of the will.

DoJo · 06/10/2015 14:42

I am NC with my dad - I don't expect to be included in his will because he sees it as my fault that we are in that position and to some extent it is his choice that we are. Inclusion or otherwise in his will is not worth the stress of having him in my life, so if I 'miss out' on an inheritance then I will have no regrets and wouldn't dream of contesting his will.

squoosh · 06/10/2015 14:42

I don't believe in children always getting an equal share if one of the children has grown up to be an awful person.

ShebaShimmyShake · 06/10/2015 14:45

It does depend. I know someone who is the black sheep of his family for choosing a career path they didn't like, leaving the family business. His father tried to cut him out of the will but then relented when he was told by a solicitor that as his son had been instrumental in building up the estate through the business, he would be able to claim a share no matter what the will said.

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